This past weekend, I learned some terribly difficult lessons. I learned first hand how dangerous a Psychopathic parent can be during a medical emergency. I also learned another reason that “co-parenting” with a psychopath is not possible (because they have no intention to co-parent and have a reckless disregard for the law and, in turn, will disrespect Custody Orders).
During my ex spath Luc’s second unsupervised visitation with my baby boy, the supervisor for the exchanges called me about ten minutes before we were supposed to pick up baby boy from the visit and said, “Don’t freak out, but I just received a call from the hospital telling me that Luc brought baby boy in after baby boy had a seizure.” Time seemed to stop as I sat there in complete shock.
The Beginning of Craziness:
I immediately stepped sped out of the parking lot where I had been waited and headed out on the 50 mile drive to rescue my son. As I sat in hellish traffic, I called the hospital attempting to get more information. As I spoke with the nurse, it became clear that before I was notified of the emergency Luc spent a significant amount of time spinning a web of lies with the hospital staff. When I told the staff that I wanted Luc escorted from the hospital well before my arrival, they refused stating that Luc had indicated that he was baby boy’s legal guardian. My concerns about the Luc’s history of domestic violence and child abuse were completely dismissed as the nurses stated, “he has told us all about YOUR situation and he has done all the right things by taking the child to the hospital.”
The lesson I learned from this situation about myself is that I need to somehow find it inside of me not to have a physical reaction when I witness the aftermath of Luc’s incredible story telling. I tell people everyday how important it is to remain calm and not show a psychopath your emotions and not to react to their insane behavior. Unfortunately, this weekend pushed my buttons like they have never been pushed before. The Mama Bear inside of me came out to protect my little baby bear cub. Insane acting Cappuccino Queen came out on the hospital and, sadly, I played right into his negative description of me.
How Luc put baby boy in danger:
Thankfully, by the grace of God, Luc was savvy enough to call 911 when he witnessed baby boy having a seizure; however, 911 was called an hour before I was ever notified that baby boy was having a medical crisis. Luc called 911, took the trip in the ambulance, arrived at the hospital, completed the medical examination questions and intake paperwork and never thought to mention my name to the medical personnel or the important fact that I am baby boy’s sole legal custodian. It was as if I had died and Luc was the sole surviving parent.
When I arrived at the hospital, I was told that baby boy was ready to be dismissed and the hospital staff was not interested in asking additional questions about baby boy’s true medical history. Baby boy was released from the hospital without a blood test and while he still had a fever. Luc completed paperwork stating that he was the legal guardian and that baby boy did not have health insurance (which is a lie because baby boy is on my health insurance). He also lied to the hospital staff about baby boy’s medical history and answered questions inaccurately (knowing that he didn’t know the answer).
Round Two – Post initial hospital visit
After being rushed through hospital discharge, I realized that something still appeared “off” with baby boy. He was still feverish and appeared to be struggling to walk. Though Luc didn’t notice this as odd behavior (or maybe didn’t really care), I noticed as I see baby boy on a daily basis and know what is normal for him. I was not satisfied with his treatment at the first hospital (as it was clear Luc had been running the show and lying to the staff), son I brought baby boy to a hospital closer to my house.
At first, I felt like maybe I was being a little paranoid but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had been missed. Low and behold, about 30 minutes after baby boy was admitted into the second hospital, his fever spiked and he proceeded to have two more seizures. The hospital near my home indicated that the first hospital had been negligent in their care of baby boy as they had not ordered additional testing to identify the true cause of the seizures.
Parental Alienation:
I have heard a lot about Parental Alienation through this Custody War and it seems as though at every turn my lawyers are warning me not to come across as negative toward Luc. I have always thought that Parental Alienation would be extremely hard to prove as it is a lot of hearsay. I have also known that as soon as baby boy can understand and communicate, Luc will begin his attempts to poison my son against me.
What happened this weekend, in my humble opinion, is a clear example of Parental Alienation. When baby boy had a medical emergency, Luc refused to acknowledge my existence and he denied baby boy access to the safety and security of his mother (and legal custodian). For the time period he was with Luc, he didn’t believe it was important tell medical professionals the truth about his status as a parent.
After two days of no word from Luc, the supervisor called him to ask him if he intended on taking his visit this week with baby boy. At this time she notified him that baby boy had had several follow on seizures. She also scolded Luc for his untimely reporting and told him that he violated the Custody Order by not providing accurate information to the hospital – particularly the fact that he did not have legal custody and is not legally allowed to make medical decisions for baby boy. Luc told her that he didn’t agree that he did anything wrong and that he did not believe he was responsible to give my information to the hospital in a medical crisis. Clearly Luc misunderstood the meaning of Legal Custody or maybe this is just yet another example of his reckless disregard for the law.
Lawyers Response:
After nearly 48 hours of no sleep and emotional turmoil over what was happening with my son, I took all the information I obtained (through hospital records) to my attorney’s. I was sure that they would agree with me that this was grounds to change the Custody Order. I believed it was clear that Luc put my son’s life in danger when he chose to deny that he wasn’t the legal custodian in order to protect his ego and or reputation at the hospital.
Unfortunately, I owe my attorney’s several thousand dollars. While I wrote up the Emergency Order and brought it to them to file, I was met with sneering faces and judgement that I did not expect. My attorney’s proceeded to accuse me of trying to block Luc from baby boy’s life and “nit pick” in order to find something wrong. After about five minutes in their office, I walked out in tears knowing that my relationship with that law firm had come to an end.
It was clear that even after the past year of learning WHAT Luc is, they still didn’t understand the true threat this man poses to my son. That was clear with the following statements:
1) Don’t you understand what positive things Luc can offer your son? He is great at manipulation!
2) Your son deserves the right to love his father.
3) Luc probably killed people, do you think he is going to care about following some small detail in this Custody Order? (Yes, I know…they actually said this after points one and two with a straight face. It was clear at this point I was being mocked)
4) Maybe you need to provide your insurance information to Luc and you two should go to family counseling. (I guess we will just hope that Luc decides not to carry a weapon that day and end my life as he promised)
Anyone who has followed my story knows how incredibly ridiculous these statements are.
Next Steps – What does this mean moving forward?
Seven months ago this week, I was awarded sole physical and legal custody of my son. When this occurred, I remember feeling a sense of relief knowing that at least I would be legally allowed to make important decisions about my son without the psychopath Luc trying to control us at every turn. It was my understanding that when a judge awards legal custody to one parent over the other, he/she does this for an important reason. In my case, the judge made it clear to Luc that he did not trust his judgement and that he was not the “mature parent”.
This weekend was one of the scariest weekends of my life and I learned a tough lesson – legal custody doesn’t mean much when the non-custodial parent refuses to acknowledge the law. When the judge specified that I had legal custody and that Luc was irresponsible and immature, Luc must have teleported out of the court room and disappeared for that part. He seemed to misunderstand what Legal Custody really meant.
Since the final Custody Order was submitted, I have weighed my options. I have to consider the following things moving forward:
1) As the only person financially responsible for baby boy, I cannot go into financial ruin in this custody war.
2) I have to protect my son at all cost.
3) Continuing to fight Luc, will also encourage him to fight back. More time in court means more contact with this blood sucking monster.
Unfortunately, It is likely that my son will have another medical emergency of this nature. In the event that this occurs, he deserves to have the comfort of his mother and the security of something as simple as HEALTH INSURANCE. While it is impossible to change Luc’s psychosis and tendency to disregard the law, I can push for consequences to this behavior and raise it to the attention of the court.
After taking several days to calm down, I realized that I need to think smart. No matter what I suggest, Luc will continue to disrespect the Court Order at the expense of my son. This week, however, I will be drafting an emergency plan which includes an emergency card for him to hand to the hospital upon his arrival. I will also draft a letter to his attorney reminding him that since I am the legal custodian, I am required to make medical decisions. After making rational suggestions and citing medical advise, I am flipping this script on him. Instead of making me look “nit picky” and “irrational”, I am going to look like the cooperative parent. When he does this again, I will return to court with the proper ammunition and nail his boots to the ground and hold his accountable.
In the sea of chaos this past weekend, I had to fight long and hard not to go down the rabbit hole of crazy. In the end, I realize that I need to stay one step ahead of Luc. He is dangerous, but predictable. While I have sole legal and physical custody, the Custody War is clearly not over. Despite my lawyer’s negative comments, I will NEVER stop fighting for my baby boy. Period.
Sky ~ what would we ever do without you ~~
((((((hugs))))))
Milo,
lol!
(((hugs back)))
This is not a simple solution, it’s more of part of a package.
If he knows she has a tracking device on the child, he could even use it to create drama.
My exspath bought me a fancy car alarm, back in 1989. It had a pager so that if anyone touched my car, I’d get paged.
Then he would go jump on my car while I was at school just so he could watch me run out of my physics class to see who was messing with my car. There he’d be smiling at me. I thought it was funny too, but my teacher didn’t.
The point is though, that this will only work in conjunction with a no drama attitude. I know it’s almost impossible to not feel stressed when involved with a spath, but we can’t show it or it feeds them.
Trust me Sky, I’m a believer. I listened carefully to what you had to say (way back when) , thought you may be a wee bit crazy, but tried it anyways. You know the rest, it worked and it worked like NOTHING I had tried before. Take the shiny thing away from them and they crumble.
You are right, there is no simple solutions when a child is used as a pawn.
I believe CappQ is a remarkable young woman and will do all she can for her precious child. That is all any of us can do.
Thanks so much for all of your comments and thoughts. I am working so hard to be that grey rock when it comes to Luc. Luckily, unless we are in court – he never sees me. So I cry in private and complain/ talk to my friends who keep me sane.
I have been thinking this week as to whether he planned this…to a degree because he was bored and the court drama was over. I am sure he thoroughly enjoyed spinning the nurses and just knowing that I was upset about his blatant disregard for the Custody Order. He is stupid…but not stupid enough to misunderstand what Legal Custody means.
I keep hoping that he will give up on terrorizing us. I hate hearing my lawyers try to convince me that my son “deserves to love his father.” They really don’t understand how dangerous it is to love someone who isn’t capable of loving you back.
CappQ ~
Your lawyers are WRONG, your son deserves to be surrounded by loving, caring people in his life. He has that with you, your parents and extended family. He needs to feel safe and secure and consistency in his life. He has that with you. What he DOES NOT deserve is being subjected to a dangerous, toxic individual that just happens to be his sperm donor. YOU know that and don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.
CQ,
Unflipping-believeable. And I agree with Ox: What a complete nightmare co-parenting with your “THING” (incidentally that is my new word for the SPATHS in my life….Thing1..Thing2..Thing3). The fact that he was there smearing you to unsuspecting medical personnel, to the contrary, really doesn’t shock me at all. That’s a part of their daily agendas. It’s THING’S Oscar award winning stage act to engage an audience in the mirage and hype, while not realizing they they have become snake charmers of the THING. I am just so glad you took a stance to protect your precious boy. Had it been your THING, he would not have even thought twice to check on the boy and if he did, it would have been for some sort of supply, maybe even to bash you while there to upset you even further as you were HUMANLY concerned, but he being BEASTLY motivated.
Thinking back and even now, I just wish I had lovefraud in my life a million years ago to identify what Thing1 was and even before I had his child and unfortunately produced Thing2. Some readers know of my story from 2008 (http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/10/10/sociopathic-children-and-psychopathic-traits-during-childhood/), but with counseling, support and alcohol rehab, I’m healing.
Thing2 now resides in a psychiatric facility where she also attends school for the oppositional defiant “at risk” child. I have joint legal custody of my son who is now 6 and I can’t tell you how happy I am having a non-pathological child and he fortunately survived 2 poisonings and a smothering at the hands of Thing2. I visit her as often as I can (well actually when I have the energy to engage in her her whoa-is-me act…staff hates her…other children are demons…social worker is a cruel bitch). I placed her there before and she conned me back into coming home and was ten times worse, but she was good at it, it took about 5 months for her mask to slip and me to uncover all of her lies, deceit, theft, sex (you know, just the normal things that THINGS do). Prior to that, Thing1 begged me to get her out of the system and said that he would take her but the reason why he couldn’t is because of an expired visa. Actually Thing1 painted a beautiful picture of himself to social services (who also charmed the snake). Once I got her back, it was one-excuse-after-another as to why he couldn’t take her in (i.e., he is homeless, no job, no means, no food., no visa, no car: all of which are lies I can prove because I am in contact with his current exiting M.D. professioned victim, but whatever!!!)and yet again, when it was time for me to return her to the facility, he once again pretended that he wanted to help. I just take everything at face value with THINGS and call a spade-a-spade. I won’t sugar coat what Thing1 or Thing2 really ARE and I am often vilified by social services for it, but whatever, they are all a bunch of clueless robots anyway.
I’ve gone 2 months without seeing her and the reason why is because my current boyfriend (an absolute saint and normal) was victimized by her and has never met her. She told psychiatric staff that he was outside the facility whistling at her while she walked back to her ward as I exited through security, but yet she can’t describe what he looks like and social services called me and asked why I continued to make poor decisions in men. Note my last boyfriend I had she accused him of rape and he spent a week in jail before they could prove that it was a complete fabrication, but STILL, she still holds on to the lie to this VERY day saying how I’m insensitive about her rape when I ask for answers to obvious inconsistensies in her better than “Stephen King” fiction, and even point out her incorrect description of his penis, social services steps in and tells me I am not allowed to discuss the past and that it upsets Thing2 when I question her? LIKE OMG and wtf???). F’n A! LOL. THINGS so hate being cornered. ROTFL. They hate it in even the most critical, let’s-put-it-on-the-table….let’s call it BINGO, let’s call it crown me or check mate situations.
It slipped that I have a significant other when he called me at visitation and she asked if I could take her for an outing and we could all hang out with my boyfriend she has never met (OMG, her predatory hunting eyes were in full gear). I told her that it would never happen in a million years and said it non chalantly but staring directly into her soul as she does to others, while observing her predatory “I’m on the prowl” 4th of July eyes (we all know those ones, the ones that just scream, I’m on a mission). She called me the same day to tell me she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.
Fast forward 2 months, she has been blowing up my phone and I have ignored her completely. The social worker left me a message just today stating “you are all that she has, no one else sees her and she is all alone in this world.” I called back leaving a message and said, “call Thing1 and tell him to visit her”. I also went on to say that I’m all she has because staff there don’t like her, she pisses off the other children and my family and friends want nothing to do with her. I guess that it has finally dawned on them that Thing1’s lies and alibis are all premeditated and simply a sick, twisted game. It did make me feel guility for a bit, but then I started having flashbacks of all the misery Thing2 has caused me in her 14 years of life.
Protect your boy. Use this site as a resource and read Dr. Leedom’s material about “at risk” children because the disorder is definitely genetic and no one can convince me otherwise. For me, it’s too late for her. I really miss the child that I knew from birth to about age 5. When people see me out with my boy, they ask, “Is that the only one you have?” and I respond with “yes” because really it is. I am happy; however, that I have my son and I would die and go to hell for him, but unfortunately for her, I’m just fulfilling an obligation kind of like what THINGS do (treating others like an object that you have to maintain) only because social services won’t terminate my parental rights, but even with all that she has done, I still care what happens to her and will say goodbye to her when she turns 18. Take care and God Bless. Just remember and absorb, they are THINGS, and I define them as something unnatural, skin crawling, lysol and Raid spraying cochroach worthy. And you know what, I’ve been infested (other readers, please cut me some slack if you do not understand what I have been through) but I am still seeing Thing2’s psychologist to help me cope and be R-E-A-L about real-life “pestilence” the bible speaks of. Before getting real (imagine this), I waited in the parking lot to bash her psychologist over the head and hide her body when she told me initially she saw something “dark” in Thing2. What a conundrum!
Dear Processing,
I share your frustration at how our society handles these kids that in some cases are out of control by age 6 or 7, others not til teen years. I’ve worked with some of them inpatient and the GLEE in their eyes at the things they either have done or plan to do is CHILLING.
Many of these kids are adopted into good, caring families, so are not problematic because they are neglected or abused, yet, they come from “problematic” backgrounds where the genetics come through even in the good homes in which they were parented after birth.
I’m glad that you are able to keep her in the residential facillity in which you are reasonably safe from her. I’m afraid, given what I know now, I would not be able to make myself “visit” her. I visited Patrick in prison for so long and at such great cost (in money and time and emotions) and I am so glad that I no longer even WANT to see him or be connected to him. And there were years when I wrote him daily, making him PART OF MY LIFE…and now I think of him seldom.
I am glad that your younger son is safe from your daughter. That YOU are safe from her. God bless.
tdpprocessing1, that is a heartbreaking story about your daughter. It is stuff like that that terrifies me. Sometimes I feel like my son and I have such a great connection. For example, I felt there was trouble during the last visit before I even got the call. I know some of you may think that is not possible but really…I did.
Also, sometimes it seems as though my son is so connected to my emotions. Though he is still mainly non-verbal, that boy senses when I am upset and he will come over from the other side of the room (where he was playing with his toys) just to hug and kiss me and have him tell him everything is ok.
I also refuse to let himself see him as anything other than wonderful. I whole heartedly believe that if it were not for that child, Luc would have killed me long before I found out who he really was. When I got pregnant, he saw dollar signs in my son and for that reason he let me live at least long enough to give birth in hopes to get some sort of child support (in a joint custody situation) or life insurance policy (if he killed me just like the mother of his older son).
So, even though I know this condition is genetic. My son and I are bonded for life. He is my little man and he will survive this genetic muck. I pray for that every day..
CappucinoQueen,
My response is not intended by me to be “all about me,” though that’s the way it starts: my immediate reaction to what you wrote was, “hmmm…. yep. I see nothing unusual at all here.”
My second reaction was, “….WHOA! Did I just think that? What I life I’ve obviously been living all these years, ‘co-parenting’ with my ex-spath!”
In other words, you triggered in me the realization that your horrifying experience is so horrifyingly, repeatedly familiar to me, over a span of many years, that it actually seemed normal at first glance. And it’s NOT. It’s HORRIFYING.
I get that, and I guess that is my preamble to say (maybe like Linda and some others said? not sure because they actually didn’t say what they were thinking but wouldn’t/couldn’t say) — that is my reaction: That I have SO MUCH to say… and can’t really. But it goes along those lines, that you are so clearly “living this (horror story of a) life” that I have lived and grown accustomed to.
And after so many years of this “normal,” yeah, I guess, it is actually sort of …. NORMAL.
It is what it is, you do what you have to do, you deal with what it is. You WILL. And I can see that you ARE.
Bless you, that you are awake (not dissociating) and fighting back, using your brain, using your resources, working so hard to figure this out and fight for your baby boy. I can tell how much you love your son, and I can tell that you won’t give up — ever.
I have never given up, either. My kids are now 18 and 16 and 16. I continue to fight. I’m much better at it now than I used to be. I’m past the stage of shock. Past the stage of dissociating. Past the stage of illusions. It took me a long time, though.
At this point, my kids are old enough to fight their own battles with their dad. He did NOT win. He accused me of parental alienation which I have NEVER done (in fact, the opposite; for years I tried and tried to facilitate the kids’ relationship with their dad, because I mistakenly believed the experts that they had a right to a relationship with him, and vice versa).
One day several years ago, spath remarried and told me to “butt out” of his relationship with the kids (trying to facilitate and mend and explain for him and encourage them to keep trying). So I did.
And the kids immediately started seeing their dad for who he is, and they began avoiding him. And spath accused me of parental alienation.
He did all the alienating, himself.
I pray for a good outcome for you and your son. I do believe you are entirely on the right track.
What has gotten easier for me over the years is that I no longer take anything the spath does personally, so I do not react emotionally. (gray rock is automatic). And I see “farther” than he does, so I can react to him as if in slow-motion, and my actions and reactions are deliberate and make sense, and his are more from the hip and show his puniness as an opponent.
(I try not to play the game — ever — but if my kids are in danger, I will make my protective “mama bear” moves to protect them).
The best thing I have ever done for my kids over the years, from a very young age, is teach them to protect themselves, for those times when they were with their dad and I couldn’t be there. I taught them independence and critical thinking and to stand up for themselves. And that I love them absolutely, no matter what, all the time, forever.
I know you can do this, CappucinoQueen — you already are!
20 years, I’ve been an on-and-off blogger since 2008, M.I.A. since Fall 2009 until Fall 2011, although I always kept LF on the burner somehow, even if the back one. For heaven’s sake, being the daughter, ex-wife, sister and mother of THINGS, it just sort of rubs off wanting to get so much off our chest. LOL
CQ, that maternal instinct, bond and intuition with your son reduces me to sentimental tears, like honestly. Through constant research, It appears that the gene is a hit and miss sort of deal and I pray that you have a miss (seems like it). You feel that bond and girlfriend, I say RUN with it and keep doing what you are doing for lil man. My THING mother (aka Thing3), only hit 1 out of 4 of us! But for me, I have given up and I know that I appear hard ass, but secretly, I really and truely do hope that Thing2 will “blend” and maybe even accomplish a real THING job like PRESIDENT, MESSIAH or PROPHET.
But seriously CQ, OMG. THINGS rarely become murderous BUT ARE ALWAYS MONSTOUROUS, but if your ex THING is in this case, OMG RUN, HIDE….
Ox, miss you, but I’ve been checking almost once a week on the topics and I see you there and ya should be changing that Ox to Ad (as in advocate). This one was one I really needed to respond to. And a little revelation, it totally got to me so much before when I began to “let go”, especially the ridicule of teachers, social workers and countless others, who are clueless and uneducated. (OMG, forgive them father, for they know not what they do).