This past weekend, I learned some terribly difficult lessons. I learned first hand how dangerous a Psychopathic parent can be during a medical emergency. I also learned another reason that “co-parenting” with a psychopath is not possible (because they have no intention to co-parent and have a reckless disregard for the law and, in turn, will disrespect Custody Orders).
During my ex spath Luc’s second unsupervised visitation with my baby boy, the supervisor for the exchanges called me about ten minutes before we were supposed to pick up baby boy from the visit and said, “Don’t freak out, but I just received a call from the hospital telling me that Luc brought baby boy in after baby boy had a seizure.” Time seemed to stop as I sat there in complete shock.
The Beginning of Craziness:
I immediately stepped sped out of the parking lot where I had been waited and headed out on the 50 mile drive to rescue my son. As I sat in hellish traffic, I called the hospital attempting to get more information. As I spoke with the nurse, it became clear that before I was notified of the emergency Luc spent a significant amount of time spinning a web of lies with the hospital staff. When I told the staff that I wanted Luc escorted from the hospital well before my arrival, they refused stating that Luc had indicated that he was baby boy’s legal guardian. My concerns about the Luc’s history of domestic violence and child abuse were completely dismissed as the nurses stated, “he has told us all about YOUR situation and he has done all the right things by taking the child to the hospital.”
The lesson I learned from this situation about myself is that I need to somehow find it inside of me not to have a physical reaction when I witness the aftermath of Luc’s incredible story telling. I tell people everyday how important it is to remain calm and not show a psychopath your emotions and not to react to their insane behavior. Unfortunately, this weekend pushed my buttons like they have never been pushed before. The Mama Bear inside of me came out to protect my little baby bear cub. Insane acting Cappuccino Queen came out on the hospital and, sadly, I played right into his negative description of me.
How Luc put baby boy in danger:
Thankfully, by the grace of God, Luc was savvy enough to call 911 when he witnessed baby boy having a seizure; however, 911 was called an hour before I was ever notified that baby boy was having a medical crisis. Luc called 911, took the trip in the ambulance, arrived at the hospital, completed the medical examination questions and intake paperwork and never thought to mention my name to the medical personnel or the important fact that I am baby boy’s sole legal custodian. It was as if I had died and Luc was the sole surviving parent.
When I arrived at the hospital, I was told that baby boy was ready to be dismissed and the hospital staff was not interested in asking additional questions about baby boy’s true medical history. Baby boy was released from the hospital without a blood test and while he still had a fever. Luc completed paperwork stating that he was the legal guardian and that baby boy did not have health insurance (which is a lie because baby boy is on my health insurance). He also lied to the hospital staff about baby boy’s medical history and answered questions inaccurately (knowing that he didn’t know the answer).
Round Two – Post initial hospital visit
After being rushed through hospital discharge, I realized that something still appeared “off” with baby boy. He was still feverish and appeared to be struggling to walk. Though Luc didn’t notice this as odd behavior (or maybe didn’t really care), I noticed as I see baby boy on a daily basis and know what is normal for him. I was not satisfied with his treatment at the first hospital (as it was clear Luc had been running the show and lying to the staff), son I brought baby boy to a hospital closer to my house.
At first, I felt like maybe I was being a little paranoid but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had been missed. Low and behold, about 30 minutes after baby boy was admitted into the second hospital, his fever spiked and he proceeded to have two more seizures. The hospital near my home indicated that the first hospital had been negligent in their care of baby boy as they had not ordered additional testing to identify the true cause of the seizures.
Parental Alienation:
I have heard a lot about Parental Alienation through this Custody War and it seems as though at every turn my lawyers are warning me not to come across as negative toward Luc. I have always thought that Parental Alienation would be extremely hard to prove as it is a lot of hearsay. I have also known that as soon as baby boy can understand and communicate, Luc will begin his attempts to poison my son against me.
What happened this weekend, in my humble opinion, is a clear example of Parental Alienation. When baby boy had a medical emergency, Luc refused to acknowledge my existence and he denied baby boy access to the safety and security of his mother (and legal custodian). For the time period he was with Luc, he didn’t believe it was important tell medical professionals the truth about his status as a parent.
After two days of no word from Luc, the supervisor called him to ask him if he intended on taking his visit this week with baby boy. At this time she notified him that baby boy had had several follow on seizures. She also scolded Luc for his untimely reporting and told him that he violated the Custody Order by not providing accurate information to the hospital – particularly the fact that he did not have legal custody and is not legally allowed to make medical decisions for baby boy. Luc told her that he didn’t agree that he did anything wrong and that he did not believe he was responsible to give my information to the hospital in a medical crisis. Clearly Luc misunderstood the meaning of Legal Custody or maybe this is just yet another example of his reckless disregard for the law.
Lawyers Response:
After nearly 48 hours of no sleep and emotional turmoil over what was happening with my son, I took all the information I obtained (through hospital records) to my attorney’s. I was sure that they would agree with me that this was grounds to change the Custody Order. I believed it was clear that Luc put my son’s life in danger when he chose to deny that he wasn’t the legal custodian in order to protect his ego and or reputation at the hospital.
Unfortunately, I owe my attorney’s several thousand dollars. While I wrote up the Emergency Order and brought it to them to file, I was met with sneering faces and judgement that I did not expect. My attorney’s proceeded to accuse me of trying to block Luc from baby boy’s life and “nit pick” in order to find something wrong. After about five minutes in their office, I walked out in tears knowing that my relationship with that law firm had come to an end.
It was clear that even after the past year of learning WHAT Luc is, they still didn’t understand the true threat this man poses to my son. That was clear with the following statements:
1) Don’t you understand what positive things Luc can offer your son? He is great at manipulation!
2) Your son deserves the right to love his father.
3) Luc probably killed people, do you think he is going to care about following some small detail in this Custody Order? (Yes, I know…they actually said this after points one and two with a straight face. It was clear at this point I was being mocked)
4) Maybe you need to provide your insurance information to Luc and you two should go to family counseling. (I guess we will just hope that Luc decides not to carry a weapon that day and end my life as he promised)
Anyone who has followed my story knows how incredibly ridiculous these statements are.
Next Steps – What does this mean moving forward?
Seven months ago this week, I was awarded sole physical and legal custody of my son. When this occurred, I remember feeling a sense of relief knowing that at least I would be legally allowed to make important decisions about my son without the psychopath Luc trying to control us at every turn. It was my understanding that when a judge awards legal custody to one parent over the other, he/she does this for an important reason. In my case, the judge made it clear to Luc that he did not trust his judgement and that he was not the “mature parent”.
This weekend was one of the scariest weekends of my life and I learned a tough lesson – legal custody doesn’t mean much when the non-custodial parent refuses to acknowledge the law. When the judge specified that I had legal custody and that Luc was irresponsible and immature, Luc must have teleported out of the court room and disappeared for that part. He seemed to misunderstand what Legal Custody really meant.
Since the final Custody Order was submitted, I have weighed my options. I have to consider the following things moving forward:
1) As the only person financially responsible for baby boy, I cannot go into financial ruin in this custody war.
2) I have to protect my son at all cost.
3) Continuing to fight Luc, will also encourage him to fight back. More time in court means more contact with this blood sucking monster.
Unfortunately, It is likely that my son will have another medical emergency of this nature. In the event that this occurs, he deserves to have the comfort of his mother and the security of something as simple as HEALTH INSURANCE. While it is impossible to change Luc’s psychosis and tendency to disregard the law, I can push for consequences to this behavior and raise it to the attention of the court.
After taking several days to calm down, I realized that I need to think smart. No matter what I suggest, Luc will continue to disrespect the Court Order at the expense of my son. This week, however, I will be drafting an emergency plan which includes an emergency card for him to hand to the hospital upon his arrival. I will also draft a letter to his attorney reminding him that since I am the legal custodian, I am required to make medical decisions. After making rational suggestions and citing medical advise, I am flipping this script on him. Instead of making me look “nit picky” and “irrational”, I am going to look like the cooperative parent. When he does this again, I will return to court with the proper ammunition and nail his boots to the ground and hold his accountable.
In the sea of chaos this past weekend, I had to fight long and hard not to go down the rabbit hole of crazy. In the end, I realize that I need to stay one step ahead of Luc. He is dangerous, but predictable. While I have sole legal and physical custody, the Custody War is clearly not over. Despite my lawyer’s negative comments, I will NEVER stop fighting for my baby boy. Period.
tdpprocessing1, I will pray for your daughter. I hope she gets a real THING job as well. That being said, I also respect you for knowing when to walk away. It’s sounds like you tried to be the best parent you could and sometimes no matter what you do – its not enough. My ex’s mother should have walked away a long time before she did. Had she – she would still be alive today to tell the tale.
20years, I can see how many looked at this situation as just “normal” because you’re right – it becomes normal. That is also the reaction I am getting from a lot of people. Even my friends are saying, “CQ honestly…did you expect him to act any differently? I am praising God he even called the ambulance!”
On one hand, they are right. I am not only dealing with a sociopath, I am dealing with one who is not very bright and can’t seem to think himself out of a paper bag…unless it involves dodging criminal prosecution.
One of the most important lessons that I have learned this week is that I am still not in a place where I can see what he is trying to do while its happening. Does that make sense? Like, for example, I was so busy getting upset and going into mama bear mode that I couldn’t see how important it was for me to show him that grey rock.
Lastly, this week struck a person nerve for me because I actually remember MY last febrile seizure. For a child, it is a terrifying experience. You feel paralyzed, terrified, can’t breath, and can’t control your body. I also remember how having my parents there to hold me and love me made all the difference. My son experienced his first febrile seizure with a man who is not capable of love. I think my ex probably was scared, but only because he thought he was going to get into trouble for what was going on with the baby and not out of fatherly love.
When my son was born, there was a video. As soon as he came out, my ex actually stepped away from him. The doctors handed him to me because my ex didn’t want to touch him. He faked tears after the nurse said to him, “don’t you want to hold your son?” I left him two weeks later but this alone should have been an indicator that he was everything I feared he was – a monster.
CappucinoQueen, everyone’s situation is unique and at the same time, there are these universalities. The more stories that are shared here, the more the patterns seem to emerge. Yet, you are in the middle of YOUR situation and I know, it is hard to THINK while you are being mama bear!
The situation that you seem to be in (from what you have shared) is that you have mama bear turned ON (as should be, your son is fortunate to have you) because there is very real danger. At the same time…. this time in your life is hard for ANY mother, so… you are being tough for your son’s sake, while you are flashing back to your own experiences as a kid. Do you have time or luxury to dwell on the things that any mother would be going through at this time of her life, giving birth and having your son’s father TURN AWAY? What a grieving thing! What a sad, awful thing! Do you even have time to address that? I’m so sorry…. I know those feelings from experience.
You sound very in touch with what is going on and what you are feeling, and it is from that that I have a good sense that you and your son will be OK. But you will have a wild ride ahead of you.
Well, that’s how I see it some of the time… God gives us all “horses” (circumstances is what I mean) and some are gentler and tamer than others. Some are spirited, and some are downright wild. So you ride the horse you are given, and don’t waste time wondering how come you didn’t get the gentle, calm one. If you can figure out how to ride yours, you will make a shift in perception and get to the place where you can “think” and “ride” at the same time, and you will be able to act “in the moment” and it becomes more satisfying when you can do that.
None of this is easy, though.
Sometimes I look back over the last 20 years or so and wonder why I’m still standing. In other moments, I realize others have had it much, much worse than I have.
I’ve also had friends who have had what appears to be 20 perfect, easy, joyful years with a loving spouse who then suddenly (much too young and unexpectedly) dies — and they are thrown into the deepest, paralyzing shock. At this point…. I’m not sure anything can shock me much anymore. I’ve already had so much awful stuff thrown at me.
But by normal… so much awful stuff, after a point, you just find a way to live and enjoy your life and appreciate the beauty in it and in others. You can come to discern true beauty and pick it out of all the distracting rubbish. What’s really important, like the love between you and your son.
Cappucinoqueen,
I am so sorry for the trauma you and your little one have been put through with this latest issue.
I am glad you are familiar with the medical problems your son is having as that tends to lighten up the fear when we know of the condition and know it can be benign for the most part.
As far as Luc, he is infuriating and horrifying when we hear of what he does but it is so typical of these monsters that it just validates and revalidates he is that hollow shell of flesh.
The advice you’ve been given and the thoughts you have come up with after the fact on how to handle the future going forward with him concerning this sounds all spot on. I did think when Oxd, gave you the advice of giving copies of your sons medical info along with instructions you should probably make one more copy for the supervisor. Just seems like it can’t hurt.
I want you to know my $300 per hour attorney who I hired at first and who got most of all of my money I had managed to save in the beginning of my custody case and who was considered a pitbull, old timer in the system, acted the very same way with me when I had valid issue with the father. My attorney after spaths deposition told his secretary spath was a piece of shiat point blank. He knew what I was dealing with but there was this underlying opinion that I heard verbally in the beginning which stayed while spath terrorized us and it was “you slept with him” or “you felt he was good enough to have a child with” so it is almost like you are getting what you asked for in these attorneys minds. They are so detached from the emotion and the childs wellbeing, they can only see you are mom and he is dad and even when I gave detailed accounts of near death issues, it seemed like because I was there able to tell the story, it was irrelevent. Must not be that bad if you are still talking and walking.
I cried many times in shock in my attorneys parking lot unable to drive from the disrespect shown to me and disregard of my daughters wellbeing. My attorney at one point said he knew I was a good mother as my child was still doing well but I looked like hell so I was taking the hits instead of letting her take them. This was true as much as humanly possible. These court cases are the marathon of abuse I never thought I could endure.
You are on the right track and I think pumping up the “job” caring for your childs condition and the “risk” Luc may be facing could turn him off. They don’t want to be caught with a child that took a turn for the worse in their care that can be pinned on them. It takes the fun out of the game as this is truley something he can’t control. I hope for you it gets him off your back.
I wish you all the peace and money you need to get through this. I lost most everything after my 3 and a half years of protecting my daughter. I am left trying to figure out how to survive now with our lives in this way.
I no longer have representation as I can’t afford an attorney anymore but my case slowed down right then also as I think spath thought he won something when I was sanctioned by our new judge….. Who knows. But stepping back and thinking smart is the best thing you can do. Don’t beat yourself up for emotional outbursts though when they do occur as it is work for us to be “on” all the time preparing for their antics or attempting to act differently than our nature.
Wishing you all the best.
Eralyn
Tdprocessing, I am glad that you are still here and glad that you have finally managed to get some stability in your life regarding your daughter.
Having worked with these children professionally in an inpatient setting it is scary to think about going to bed at night with a child like that in the house…wondering when they will burn it down on your head.
My Uncle Monster was at age 7 (from the stories of his behavior that I finally got out of the family) a DANGEROUS child, and of course he grew up to be a dangerous, monsterous man. I’m not sure that anything would have changed the situation.
My P-sperm donor had 4 children and out of the 4 of us, I think only one is like “daddy dearest” and he admires the very hateful mean murderous qualities that made sperm donor a Psychopath. I haven’t been around the other 3 kids since they were 12, 13 and 8, but I remember that the 8 year old was scary even then. I was only 17 myself at the time, but the youngest would come home each day with his clothes torn off his body from fighting with other kids. He was a straight A student and obedient to his teachers, but the fighting all the way home from school was scary, and the more I look BACK on it, the scarier it was.
I hope your daughter can stay in that school until she hits 18 and you can disengage from her….but don’t bet that she will disengage from you. She very well may not.
I keep you in my prayers and I wish you well in all things. God bless.
Eralyn, yes…that whole Lawyer attitude of “you slept with him” and “you chose this guy” infuriates me.
One of my attorneys told me about his daughter who is engaged. I asked him how he would feel if he one day found out that the fiance he “liked” probably killed the woman he dated before his daughter. He said, “that would never happen because my daughter has good judgement and doesn’t like bad boys. Her fiance wears collared shirts and went to Harvard.”
I started to say, “so you don’t think any psychopaths have ever attended Harvard or worn a collared shirt?” After a couple more minutes of arguing, I realized it was pointless (which most of the discussions I have with my attorneys have become) because even my intelligent attorney wasn’t savvy enough to understand that anyone can be conned if the con artist is good enough at his/her trade – conning.
It is also a defense mechanism. People hear my horrible story and they don’t want to think it could happen to them. Like getting HIV/AIDS. It’s so dangerous because people look at folks who have been diagnosed and say, “well you had a choice..you could have worn protection or just chosen someone who wasn’t ‘dirty’.” People don’t want to worry about whether it could happen to them.
Psychopaths are everywhere. They wear normal clothing, they have custody of their children (sometimes), the don’t always have a criminal record, they have jobs (unless they are like Luc), they wear collared shirts and sometimes even suites, they are all around us.
Maybe your parting gift to your attorney should be the book “Snakes In Suits”!!
That book (and Without Conscience) were a godsend to me, in the aftermath of my first P experience. I met first spath in the real estate firm we had both worked with, and wow, what an experience that was. He took me for everything I had. He groomed me, set me up, we became partners, then he love bombed the Hell out of me, we had a 10 month intimate relationship. He took my business, clients, heart, soul, trust, faith, hope, self worth. One day, still without knowledge of PS’s, his “mask slipped”. Of course I had no knowledge of that term, at the time. I simply inquired about some of his behaviors, and wow, the rage was horrifying, literally. I called my sister. Told her what had happened, and that I was shocked. She said “he sounds like a Psychopathic sex addict”. I googled “Psychopathic” and low and behold, he had traits on the list. I saw the book “Snakes in Suits” mentioned on the same website, along with “Without Conscience”, and the knowledge I gained from those books helped my Psyche so much, plus I found them highly fascinating. Still pick them up and read then, on occasion. They are like bibles, of sorts. Blessings to all. Hope you all had a great day!
Ox, it was a tradgedy but a blessing going to bed at night with her! She almost burned the house down frying corn dogs and french fries when I told her she was not allowed to even be in my kitchen, but she still did it in her selfish (all about me) self gratification. That night, I went home drunk and after I passed out, the kithen almost burned downed! That was my beginning of social workers in my life after the fire department dispatched the police.
The above incident resulted in so much recovery. It’s completely ironic that the incident landed me in an ideal situation that I thought at first was a definite suicidal prompt. But OMG, I’m still here!!!! She has been monitored since the incident with so much red tape and intervention, even though I was charged with “child endangerment”. But it got me in the system! Something that could not have happened with a simple plea for help. I had to be the bad guy! A woman who LOVED to get drunk at night and pass out afterwards while living with Rosemary’s baby! I mean, please don’t sympathize with the fact I produced Thing2 from Thing1. I am the daughter raised by a sadistic SP, Thing3.
Shane, the book by Dr. Hare is like completely insightful. It’s from a clinical standpoint, not based on an everyday life sort of situation dealing with THINGS. It was there I discovered the disorder and it all came to me about my mother (Thing3), My brother(deceased), my first husband (Thing1) and my daughter (Thing2).
I feel so bad for ANYONE dealing with this pathology that do not know what in the name of GOD is going on? It is so baffling to say the least.
But my “Ad” aka Ox, it seems like 1 out of 4 is more than 4 percent of the population that “Realist” believe. But as a wise, urban hombre said, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” I swear that was a wise hypothesis deducted by a baffled supply! LOL
You are so right. There are so many out there who are unaware, and until one has personally been slimed, there is no depth for them, in terms of the true definition of a P and their existence. So glad that you have the knowledge, and are doing all of the right things for yourself and your son. I read your story last night, as well as the article that you wrote, a while back. I am at the tail end of the aftermath of a second P relationship, which thankfully only lasted 3 and a half months, since this one was far worse (and much different), than the first . I have truly learned so much, which in turn is the GIFT I have received from these 2 entities. Onward and Upward. Yay!
tdprocessing and shane,
I love how you are both able to see the gift.
It’s a gift, not from the spath, but a gift we give ourselves by taking knowledge and becoming stronger for it. The spaths intended us to lay down and die from the experience. My spath was intent on my suicide, either by my own hand or with a little help from him. I guess I was a disappointment to him. lol.
Yes, it’s true shane, that someone who hasn’t experienced it, can’t fathom it. Even after experiencing it, I still didn’t understand it. I was lucky that I ran into someone who explained it to me and then there were all the books and LF to help me along. Without this assistance, I likely would have been conned into going back, unable to conceive of a human being completely without conscience or empathy, filled with sadistic desire and envy that rotted his heart.
It sounds impossible, but that actually describes him accurately.
That’s why it’s so important to help each other and to educate as many people as we can.