A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
As usual, a brief-to the point- hard hitter article, Steve! I love your meaty, no nonsense style of writing!
You are so right….I always told myself….he is really good…he must just need some help expressing himself correctly….not so…just the opposite.
You have concisely pinpointed a crucial moment. I like the way you do this – like a sharp shooter!
This section of a line, particularly stands out:
“to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.”
I can remember EXACTLY the first time the ex S did this. I called him out on a whopper of a lie. We were on our way to a movie and he nonchalantly dropped information about a townhouse he was supposed to be moving into. From what he said, something hit me about a huge lie he was feeding me. So, I told him that he was lying. I KNEW he was. I questioned the glaring inconsistencies in his story. I was really angry and hurt. Unfortunately, I too quickly let my RIGHTFUL ANGER at the BIG LIE pass into tearful hurt.
What happened next was the dropping of his mask to show the absolutely ARROGANT, CALLOUS, NARCISSISTIC, EMOTIONLESS Sociopath that he was.
There was a GLIBNESS and ENTITLEMENT shown, if only for an instant. How did he show this? He did not react with any feeling whatsover to the betrayal and there was NO APOLOGY or recognition of the lie, ONLY EXCUSES.
As soon as the dropping of his mask (even though I didn’t recognize it as such), was shown…POOF! It was gone and replaced with the game mask again. He instantly TRUMPED the BETRAYAL of me with his DRAMA. There was no space, no room, no consideration, no validity given whatsoever to my feelings. Suddenly it became ALL ABOUT HIM.
He pulled out all the stops USING the sympathy tactic. He played the tormented, confused and abused husband going through a divorce. He turned on the tears and the empathy inducing act of normalcy. I fell for it. Hook. line and sinker.
I now know the reason that I would fall for this kind of manipulation is my original wound from the abuse in my childhood. I was groomed for it. I’ve been walking around with this achilles heel for the past 30 years without knowing it.
Now I am armed with that knowledge. I have received my street smart honors degree in sociopathic abuse. I paid a huge price for it, but it’s the most beneficial education I could have gotten.
Steve
I knew the P had a dark side and I found it exciting. I know…what does it say about me needing that kind of excitement.
There is something inexplicably attractive about the bad boy, what can I say, but after the harrowing experience I had with the P i can safely say bad boys can go to hell. I think what I was attracted to was a false sense of autonomy, he knows what he’s doing, he does not care what others think blah de blah NOT being robbed abused and cheated on!!! there is bad and there is psychopath bad…no essence, absence of essence…nothing there! lights are on but no one at home.
To be fooled once shame on him, to be fooled twice shame on me.
Dear Bulletproof, welcome to LF–glad you are here, it is a healing and learning place. Welcome!
Steve, as usualy you are so right on, “He is such a great guy, when he is not robbing banks.” LOL (not original with me but can’t remember where I read it, but SO RIUGHT ON!
NO amount of the “good side” can outweigh the first glimse of the BAD SIDE, the DARK EVIL SIDE.
You are right, too, in that we all (humans) do things we shouldn’t do, even some pretty “bad” things, and it is up to those we have injured to decide to establish trust in us again if they choose, but trusting a psychopath, a manipulator, a DARK ONE is never good sense or a wise move!
THANKS STEVE!!! GOOD information! Good insight! Your two latest articles are the drift wood I am holding on to right now to keep myself afloat and they “floated by” at just the right time to keep me from sinking into the river of despair again! Your wisdom and insight is life saving.
Very very true Steve – we alll closed our eyes to the badness in them and reasoned with ourselves ‘But he was so nice last week – therefore he must be nice underneath and this must just be tiredness / stress/ something else’. In actuality the reverse was true – the dark side is his natural persona and the light side is his false public face. Yes they have no concern about how hurt we get when they bleed us – it’s like water off a ducks back.
Never ever again.
bulletproof: We are attracted to the ‘bad boy’ because of their confidence and what we perceive as strength [which is actually cruelty]. If you notice in the movies and a lot of romance novels [why I could never write them even tho they are a very lucrative venue] they tend [used to any way] to give the bad boys a hidden tender side that only ‘his’ girl can see. They make the bad boy attitude the persona and the tender side his real self. Not so in real life with these P types…that bad boy persona is the real deal.
When people make mistakes it is one thing.. when someone exploits, mnaipulates and cons .. it is quite another…
I saw the manipulation.. and that is what made me hold him at arms length.. I saw and felt how he watched me…
his dark side wasn’t just the human flaws that we all have.. it was manipulation and control for his agenda.. with no regard to how it affected me.
Yes TB I was also attracted to what I perceived as confidence and strength. I am reminded of Liane Leedom’s red flag for children at risk – the absence of fear. That will definitely be a red flag for me in the future.
Style I agree we have to be careful not to cut people off for an honest mistake, but when it gets into the realm of repeat behaviour and manipulation then I will be outta there so fast!
I was also trying to focus on his “potential” – a word he suggested! He kept saying about himself that he was “work in progress” and that kind of thing – I only needed to be patient!
oh yes Eileen! The potential was there alright but never developed – he always used to say ‘I just need you to be patient with me’ Pffft I think I was more than p atient and nothing changed at all.