A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
I am learning if something riles me internally.. then I listen to it..
I may not address it externally immdiately, but I recognize what I am feeling.. my gut is not wrong.. never has been.. it’s when I try to not listen to it that I get messed around…
and I don’t view myself as this exceptionally attractive woman.. I just think that I am okay and I take care of myself.. but I am realizing that maybe, I don’t have an accurate view of myself..I have been told that I am intimidating also.. and I thought .. umm.. so reel it in..
nope.. not any longer.. say now, thank you for the compliment..
if you are intimidated that is your problem.. I am a nice person but done with being steamed rolled..
Style1 –Perfect!
co-dependent….Sandra in her book “Women Who Love Psychopaths” says these relationships are not about co-dependency. Just another perspective. She identified traits of women who love psychopaths and co-dependent is not one of them. What she did find: “While the women may be conservative about attaching (because they may
not be highly impulsive) once they do attach, it is with great passion and
enormous depth.” She does not see this as co-dependency.
I have read so many different explanations for what a person goes through…the betrayal bond, Emotional Rape, etc….I guess we take what fits us best. All the different explanations can get confusing.
That is one thing I like about Steve’s writing (the blogger)…his advise works, no matter what theory you are working from.
Dear Polly,
There is so much wisdom in your post above. I think you are right. Have you ever heard of the “imposter syndrome”–I have felt that since I was a kid…dismissed my own accomplishments like I was “faking” them. Once I remember in 7th or 8th grade I made 100% on a test and was the only one in the class to do so. The teacher complimented me and my FEELING was “Boy, I FOOLED HER” DUH????
NO! I did NOT “fool her” I studied and I knew the stuff! I DESERVED that grade, but I felt like an IMPOSTER.
When people compliment me, I feel like I have “fooled” them, when in fact, I KNOW for a fact that I am SMART, and my grades were earned by my hard work and smarts…yet, I never felt like I had earned them or deserved them. My career was quite successful l(I am a retired registered nurse practitioner, now called an advanced practice nurse.) I was more than competent, I was damned GOOD at what I did, and I changed people’s lives by my compassion, insight, caring and hard work–yet, sometimes I felt like I was just “play acting” the part and that some day “they” would find me out.
What made me choose to feel this way? Like I was a kid playing “let’s pretend” ? I’m not really sure, but I do know that no matter how I succeeded, or how hard I worked, I never was able to “live up to” my egg donor’s expecations of “excellence.” Some how I was always a brick shy of a load to please her. I could please others, but never her.
Was that the problem? Was that “Why” I kept trying to EARN her approval, her love, to “be good enough” to suit her?
The thing is the WHY doesn’t matter any more, for goodness sakes I am 63 years old now and I am what I am and my problems or short comings today are not “because my mommie didn’t breast feed me enough.” My problems and short comings in self esteem are what they are, and I have to recognize that however I got here, and that is the result of the CHOICES I made, I can only go forward from HERE, TODAY AND NOW.
My son C isn’t a P, but he is a human being with some dysfunctional and poor choices and he seems determined to “justify” those choices to make himself feel better. The drama queen came by today to pick up some things her husband had left here the last time they visited (some guns that C was repairing for him) and I don’t think she cares one way or the other what he said, but even if she did, I really don’t give a flip–the thing is I’ve quit worrying about “what the neighbors would think”–which has been what my egg donor’s mantra has been her whole life. In her opinion it doesn’t matter a tinker’s dam what happens, as long as the neighbors don’t know! LOL
In my old age I am finally learning to validate myself, my own actions, and expect others to be responsible for their own actions and own choices. I wan’t tell you it is EASY when those we love disappoint us (even if they aren’t Ps) because it is, but it is less painful I think to confront those choices when they show dishonesty or poor judgment, lack of responsibility, or failure to live up to our agreements. I no longer have to “smooth” over and pretend it didn’t happen or accept it.
I’m standing up on my “hind legs” and “walking upright” like a REAL HUMAN BEING and sometimes that’s painful and ground is rough, but I’m giving it my best shot! That’s all anyone can do. I love my son, but I sure don’t LIKE how he is behaving and won’t tolerate dishonesty. If he ever gets my total trust again, he will have to earn it, and the price for that is pretty steep.
(“While the women may be conservative about attaching (because they may
not be highly impulsive) once they do attach, it is with great passion and
enormous depth.” She does not see this as co-dependency. )
Totally agree with the above… TOTALLY.. I was self-protective the whole time.. but I did form an attachment.. and it is difficult to extricate myself from it.. when ‘normal’ people form attachments it is real and when those that contrive do .. it is for just as long as they benefit…then they are off to find that next one…
Him.. he’s gone as fast as he came in…
and I am not a co-dependant type, nor am I an addictive type…
I get sick and tired of this kind of thing being thrown around and labels attached when it is not the case…
I self evaluate myself until I am freaking dissected…
My issure is giving other the benefit of the doubt when the writing is clearly on the wall…
Style, I had to take a little break from reading self-help books because I got tired of hearing how screwed up I was. If anyone is my worst critic, it’s me.
Dear Style,
The term “co-dependent” has a negative conitation to me that I prefer to use the term “enabler” as I think what the person (like myself) was doing was “enabling” the other person to shirk their responsibility. Now, I am not saying that “enabling” another person, assuming responsibility for their problems, trying to “fix” the other person is a GOOD thing, because I think it is decidedly UNhealthy, but the “fixer” (enabler) doesn’t REQUIRE a “bad guy” in order to survive, doesn’t require someone to “fix”—but I know I DID assume responsibilities that were NOT mine, I did do for others in an effort to seek their approval, to earn their love, to ber IMPORTANT to them.
I “fooled” myself that I was “helping” when in fact I wasn’t. I was not letting them get and use the consequences of their behavior for THEIR growth.
If, for a far out example, I had been so worried about my kids that I had NEVER allowed them to try to walk because if they did, they would fall down and “go boom” and hit their heads, so instead of letting them LEARN from their FALLS I had CARRIED them around until they weighed 150 pounds.
Of course that is a ridiculous picture, but they would never have learned to walk, because the oNLY way someone can learn to walk is by getting up and trying and falling and learning from their falls.
What I was in effect doing, was keeping my loved ones from learning from their mistakes, from bruising themselves for sure, but mostly from learning.
Then, after a while they began to DEPEND on me to carry them, they expected me to carry them, DEMANDED I carry them and if I didn’t they would punish me. Then, if I tried to put them down, (and set boundaries) they became very very angry. I’d always carried them, why was I refusing to now?
I have to accept that I was trained from birth to ignore bad behavior, to excuse it, and to “enable” it–especially in the male members of the family. I was punished if I didn’t comply with this “family tradition.” I was pounded on the head with the Bible and told if I didn’t go along I would go to hell and burn forever.
But at a point in my life when I RECOGNIZED that I was engaging in this behavior I had a CHOICE, to STOP or to keep on doing it. I chose to STOP and to learn to set boundaries. I was punished by those who were HEAVILY INVESTED in continuing this “tradition.”
It was painful to UNlearn the “principles” I had lived by, as painful as they were, but I have come to belive that I MUST keep on a path to healing and face my own part in the past, in the enabling of unacceptable behavior in others, behavior that was abusive to me, that was hateful and manipulative and simply EVIL. The only way I can STOP that behavior is to NC those people and to protect myself from further attacks and further demands that I ACCEPT dishhonest or abusive behavior. I am NOW working hard to become 100% HONEST WITH MYSELF—as well as HONEST WITH OTHERS. I realize I haven’t been as honest with others as I wish I had been, I justified their behavior and I justified or excused my own poor choices. So now it is time to sit up, stand up and accept the TRUTH—the truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off!
Freedom has a cost, and freedom has responsibilities as well. It means I must be responsible for how I treat others and how I allow them to treat me. That doesn’t always make me “popular” either. Truth is NOT a “vote”—right and wrong are not “voted” on any more than “democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.” But, I have a RIGHT to decide what is RIGHT to me, and as long as my “freedom” ends where someone else’s nose begins. I can look myself in the eye and be OKAY. I don’t have to depend on other’s assessment of my motives or behavior for my own self esteem. It is a difficult road to relearn how to walk, andn then run, but I’m committed to do it. (((Hugs)))
Star,
agree.. I read and read.. and have for years…
Another thing I am aware of acutely.. is how many are still in these types of relationships.. hiding behind the facade of “I’m so happy.” when they are anything but…
and even have abuse and all sorts of craziness behind their facade..
I have friends that envy my freedom..
I have one girlfriend whose husband went though all her money.. and he came onto me after they had been married for one month.. and she still ‘acts’ like they are happy.. I can barely stand to look at him and she takes care of all her children and his.. six in total.. and at first, one thinks what a great family… nope.. nada.. it’s a freakin mess… he conned her BIG TIME…
total delusions..that mantal of the happily married woman is many times all BS…
So, while we are on here learning, healing, becoming more and more aware…
Applaud yourself for being out of the craziness….
Another girlfriend told me that I was one of the lucky ones..
I have felt all alone and on the edge.. but I get out of the chaos.. and pull back into me and my honest self….
so all these labels.. carry them lightly… we are free…
The way I figure it, style, I’ve been to hell and back. Things can only get better from here. 🙂
Oxy.. I get it concerning your children.. in that, we women are given that roll.. and it just depends on how into it that we are.. there is guiding and helping then there is enabling…
With men … it is slightly difference than children.. men aren’t there for us to rear and guide.. but to walk beside..
I got rid of the men when I realized that what they were doing, Alcohol, gambling, womanizing was harming me.. and they weren’t changing of taking responsibility…
then with this last one.. he just had a messy past.. that ws being dumped on me and I had nothing to do with any of it.. so I chose to not take it on.. His daughter and he tried to shame and blame me but I stood strong..
so in ways my boundaries are well-developed…
but why so many issues with men in the first place.. I wonder is it just not part of them..
like I said.. my married friends are no better off than I am…
they just endure…to stay married.. for the kids.. for the image.. because they are afraid to be alone..who knows…
and it is better to be alone.. than with a creep or someone that is sucking you dry.. and killin your spirit…
kids are a different story…
I have had a stepdaughter and I think that I did fairly well with her..
andI have two boys that I assisted in their life.. when I was dating their Dad… and the oldest one told me “thank you for always doing the right thing.”
So… who knows.. I personally am glad that I do’nt have chldren of my own.. as their is a fine line when they need help as to what it is and what it isn’t…