A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Over the years I’ve had some friends who were much healthier than me. I observed their “no tolerance” policy with men. I had one friend who was dating this guy that she really liked. When the anniversary of her brother’s death rolled around, she was understandably sad. Her boyfriend told her to “get over it.” That was all it took for her. She kicked him to the curb. I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years who used “get over it” as his personal mantra toward me. Curiously, I never left him until he cheated on me right in front of my face. Had I taken a lesson from my healthy girlfriend, I could have saved myself 3 years of grief.
Thanks Oxy – just a developing theory – I can well relate to the idea of the ‘imposter’ … I recall not trying hard at school and still making B+ and A grades – I suspect that had I tried I would have been termed ‘gifted’ but for some reason I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself. My teachers always knew I was capable of more so my report cards always without fail read ‘Could achieve so much more if she applied herself’ however what I achieved was enough for me. I remember as a child I had a great tendency to disassociate – I would be in class and all of a sudden I was in this incredibly vivid alternate universe – strong imagination.
Even now I feel somewhat of an imposter. I work at the top of my game and am the youngest in my position in my organisation by about fifteen years – my colleagues are in their fifties and sixties – I have had some struggles with this throughout the years. Lots of people have treated me differently when they meet me in person because they didn’t realise my age – however once we open up discussion and they realise I do know what I am talking about they usually relax. I talk a good game – have never yet been turned down for a job I have gone for. At interviews I am full of confidence, but it’s not the real me. The real me wonders at times if I am a fraud because my heart is not really in my work at the moment. In my profession there is a huge expectation that you will put in sixty hour weeks and spend all your free time reading and studying and I am just not interested in that. I want to turn up, do my work and go home. I do read on topics I am interested in and aim to share this with colleagues and clients, but I can’t just read for the sake of reading.
I didn’t get to pursue my real love, which would have been entertainment related due to lack of family support when it was critical to have it and huge doubt within myself. So I took the safe route and forged a ‘respectable’ career but I still harbour dreams about pursuing the path I really wanted and always wonder in the back of my mind if I would have made it. Who knows? If I get the blessing of having children, I will support them to the hilt to pursue their bliss no matter what the risks are – life is so short – we all should have the chance to follow our dreams and some dreams definitely have a use by date unfortunately 🙁
I also have problems with the term co-dependence. I can cope with the term enabler, but neither term should apply to these abnormal relationships in my view. In pathological relationships the adage ‘It takes two to tango’ has no place – in these relationships one person declares a secret war on the other and the victim, unable to identify, articulate, or defend themselves has no chance at all. And that’s not just making excuses for myself because I got conned – that’s the reality I have lived and is confirmed in several texts I have read about abusive relationships. They’re not normal so these self help concepts don’t fit with them. Let’s also remember co-dependence as a concept was first applied to the partner of an alcoholic who makes excuses for them to enable their drinking. Yes we make excuses for our partners, but there are mitigating factors such as brainwashing and trance states and destruction of identity that only happen in abusive relationships – sure alcoholics can be abusive too so in my view if there is abuse going on this term is an inappropriate one to use although there are similarities in several aspects.
polly – yes, some dreams do have a best by date.
but, what if………………………
no, reallly…
what if………………………..
lol trust you matey to raise that! I have wondered that too. And what about you and your dreams … what if?
exactly polly, exactly. 🙂
Style and Oxy, IMHO what we are describing here, ie, the enabling, the denial, the frustration and the desire to cure and control, IS co-dependancy. Feeling somehow immune, or superior to co-dependants, or feeling unique to them is not helpful. The primary symptom of both addiction and co-dependancy is the little voice in your head that says,”I aint got it”. The first step is about breaking through this denial. In our cases it might go something like this…..”admitted we were powerless over S/P/N, and that our lives had become unmanagable.” Can anyone relate to that?
Sorry Style, I got that wrong. I meant pollyannanomore.
My point is simply this: Co-dependancy is simply a label that attempts to identify a syndrome, and apply an active strategy for recovery. It is not a judgement, or a critisism or an assault. It is not a life sentence or a failure. In my case it is just one more of those,”it is what it is.”
In AA’s big book it says, Acceptance is the key to all of my problems today…” Codependants are riddled with the desire to control and cure. They alsoacceptthe unacceptable and lie to themselves about it. We need to meditate on the serenity prayer and work on the first step. At least I did. It still took six months to actually get it through my head. I wanted what I wanted….but until I got to acceptance that I couldn’t have it, I lived in that unmanagable hell: frought with heartache, frustration and rage.
Peace to all of you. Kim
admitted we were powerless over S/P/N, and that our lives had become unmanagable.” Can anyone relate to that?
……………..
No, I can’t relate to the above.. as soon as I had recognistion of the actuality .. I was gone.. What made me temporailly powerless was their hiding things and their con.. I didn’t ‘quite ‘get’ or see it because of the cover-up or their spin..but when I did.. I exited..
I wasn’t powerless.. I took the power that they were ‘trying’ to take from me back.. as soon as I saw clearly..
now when I was younger.. it took me longer.. because I was young, naive and trusted them more than me…
Sure you can get caught in denial for awhile.. but co-dependant.. is knowing that you are married to an alcoholic, cheater, gambler or whatever and creating the atmosphere for it to continue by convering up..I don’t do that…
I may be stunned for a bit until I get my sea legs back, but I do not enable..
Even with this last one.. when he would talk about his ‘big deals’ I would use reality to balance it off.. and that is what he didn’t like.. he called me ‘negative’…
I wasn’t negative.. I was being real..
I like living in reality.. sure things happen in life that can seem like magic.. but you can’t base your life on that happening..
Each circumstance is different..
but I get tired of these blanket over used labels…
in any relationship you have interdependance.. love, marriage, child/parent, business…
and that is what creates the relationship..
co-dependant is to know what is happening and create and allow and enable it to continue when it is destructive to self or others..
I woke up and wanted to write this to my ex.. I had revealing dreams about him .. so instead of writing him.. I am posting it here:
The way that you use love and manipulate is of pure evil…
and that is why you have so much sickness and perversion around you.
You take something good and pure and try to use it for your benefit..with no regard to what you do to others.
Like you did to me… you try to use me and what I have and even my life for your benefit.. but I never trusted you or your motives and your own mother gave me warnings….and awarenesses…
you just think that you can fool by using love love love and your contrived charm and contrived spirituality that actually shows that you are so off and so lost…
I am so glad that you and yours are out of my life.
And my mother never wanted me around you.. all your spiritual knowings are so off…
where you go and where you get your information is a distortion…
…………………….
His feigning spirituality and his ability to get messages from the otherside.. he would say that my passed on mother was giving him messages…
I have felt my mother around me and like she was protecting me and my feelings were that she didn’t like him at all…
He tried to even manipulate me by using my dead mother..
this makes me ill to even think about..
I would listen to him and not say a word.. I am having these knowings about him and his manipulation.. things that I had forgotten.. I didn’t buy his gig.. but just recalling his efforts and the extent of his manipulation.. Well, to me it is of evil…
And this man is charming in that European way and he is on the lose again.. or not . he has probably already met some woman and is conning her…
but that post.. regarding the woman .. that when the man said ‘get over it’ and she dumped him …
Good for her.. and that is how and what I do later in my life… I see and I get away..
but with this man.. I was sucked in for awhile.. he came at me differently… he probably studied me and knew he would have to be more cunning… and never trusted him and I lost respect for him and I was never attracted to him sexually..
the weird part is .. why did I let him stay in my life.. but when I think back.. I had some benefits with little loss.. but I was hooked into the dream of what if.. and when that happens…
but I made him tow the line…
but it got to where I could barely look at him.. as my disrespect began to reveal itself.. then he started trying to make me doubt myself and he used spirituality.. he hit way under the blet…. and I did have doubts at times because I am so introspective.. but my honor, common sense and self-protective God given ragar and BS detector stood well by my side…
Reality…
what is their purpose.. what are their goals.. what do they want… Ask yourself this….be clear and not thrown off by your holes, loneliness, or anthing else.. Promises are just that,
And Nothing absolutly nothing that this man said would happend did…
All he did was bring flowers and chocolate and talk talk talk.. and all of those are easily attained and are cheap.
When someone tries to take and distort your reality into their dream … RUN! When they negate what you know, for what they want you to believe .. RUN!
When they make promises of the future.. RUN!
It is what is now, that is what important and what matters…
Dreams are great and goals are great, but that is NOT what a relationship is based on.. a real relationship is based on REALITY … not ‘someday’…
When mine was around the reality of my family and when he knew that his BS.. was showing to be BS.. he would get stomach disturbances frequently.. and he would sleep more.. and he would be gumby..
the once ‘spiritual’ zen-like man became a wreck..
but never admitted to feeling off.. oh no.. he was too perfect to admit fear, uncertianity or that maybe, things weren’t as he hoped or claime..Instead, he would listen to religious music and constantly read spiritual material to keep his eye on God… and preach to me about what was wrong with me.. and how rude I am because I didn’t respond “you’re welcome” to his “thank you” after I did his laundry…
This man is a distortion..he is lost trying to appear found while preaching to and about everyone else…
I saw it off the get go… my mistake was not honoring what I saw…fast enough…