A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
style – ‘religion is the opiate of the people.’ – karl marx
your description shows how grandiose, how drugged, how completely devoid of emotional connection and an internal compass the spath is.
best,
one step
kimfrederick,
Nice to see you back! I miss your posting. For what it is worth I agree with you. Whatever what we choose to call it…..It really isn’t important in how we “label” it. Co dependant, enabler….As long as we see it as “it is what IT IS”.
In the end, the fact is that we accepted the UNACCEPTABLE into our lives. And the addictive quality these relationships create.
And when most of us come here (in the begining) all we can do is focus on them. (the addiction) It is only later after N/C and the fog clears that we can then start focusing on ourselves and our own recovery. And that is when the really hard questions start to surface. And the hard work begins.
I hope you will post more often. I miss your wisdom.
kim frederick: I agree with you that what we are describing here (i.e. — the enabling, the denial, the frustration and the desire to cure and control) IS co-dependency.
I also see merit to your view that, in the case of an addiction to a person, addressing our co-participation in the relationship in the tradition of 12-steps might go something like this”..”admitted we were powerless over S/P/N, and that our lives had become unmanagable,” as you wrote.
All of us are many things. Describing myself as a “woman” doesn’t mean that I am like all women. Describing myself as 47 doesn’t make me similar to all people my age.
Considering myself a “co-dependent” doesn’t mean I’ve had every single experience that others who consider themselves co-dependent have had.
My relationship with my ex N/S wasn’t exactly the same as other people’s. It was emotionally abusive in similar ways as many have described their experiences here on Lovefraud.
But from what I’ve read here, a lot of people insist that all N/S/Ps cheat, swindle money or are physically abusive — and yet I know this doesn’t apply to everyone’s experience.
I’ve also read here where people on the “outside” tell others all the time that another person’s ex couldn’t have loved them or that nothing was real about the N/S/P except the negative stuff — these and other generalizations I don’t feel comfortable making about other people’s relationships, since I was not part of their situation.
I can only know my own specific situation — not generalize all the same details to other people’s lives.
Same with whether co-dependency fits for some or all of us.
If something doesn’t fit, so be it.
We take what we can from others’ examples and hopefully learn. We apply information based on what is applicable to us.
I don’t think “co-dependent” or any other term is a permanent label. For me, it simply provides a framework for better understanding the entire spectrum of feelings, thoughts and behaviors related to enabling, based on various research I’ve read that makes sense to me.
I consider myself a “recovering co-dependent” for what it’s worth.
context: spath i tangled with had several characters – so the good and bad sides were pretty much divided up between characters. there was ‘the reports’ (what the sock puppets said about one another), and then my actual experience of each.
and the badness or goodness of each was connected to where they showed up in the timeline….the bad came out later/ and last.
it has taken time to ‘get’ that these folks were all one person. it is ongoing work. but more and more when i talk about the spath i say ‘she’, and don’t reference the beauty boy. ‘fraid to actually. like typing his name has juju. well, it does -’cause that name is the center of the story/ THE LIE/ my love.
the truth is that she made this story, made this ‘boy’. gave him to people and then took him away. killed him, resurrected him, had the other sock puppets stir jealousies and threaten and intimidate – And THE WHOLE OF IT IS HER. It is easier to see ‘bad’ cause all of it is a lie. this context makes it easier in some ways. and that she was never here in the flesh made the lie possible. and it wouldn’t have been possible AT ALL, not THIS STORY if she had been here.
she should have been a novelist. her characters are often large and well drawn – i have read some writing where she is playing herself’ – that character IS THE LEST CONVINCING.
the spathy bad roles around in me daily – amplified as the love of the story crumbles. i rage at her: angry, vengeful, afraid. deconstruct the story – and yet, this in some way ‘preserves the beauty of the story – i feel like i am safeguarding it for me, for future unwrapping. to use it to write about ‘looking for bb’, which is a story of my searching for myself in this story; the love type of love that i thought might be in front of me; my healing; the identities of the people whose photos she used in this scam; and the beautiful avatar; and her writing, her stroy, her desires, her mythology. she be stellar.
the spath was not.
one step
One step.. yep.. he is like delusional.. and I saw it in the beginning.. but was preoccupied with moving.. and he moved in on me…
No excuses.. just that the timing was ripe for him and off for me.. but, perhaps, I was put there to help with his mother’s passing.. who knows all the whys and what fors???
But yes,, it’s like he knows all, and lords over.. and his life is so full of tragedy and he hasn’t pulled out of it..it is like he holds to it.. and was trying to drag me into it.. Like that movie.. DRAG ME TO HELL…
What blows me away with the distance on it.. is how I saw it the whole time.. but how he kept me in his spin… kind of.. and his only being here on weekends.. also kept it spinning..
Whew!
He acted like to be apart of his dysfunctional family was something I should want..
I wasn’t holding true to me.. at this time in my life, I don’t want to be with a man with young children.. and he has sick ones…Selling love.. using love to sell .. the con…
whoa.. I am just getting it on a deeper and deeper level…
Thanks for letting me droan on.. I hope what I have written triggers others to awarenesses of their own..
style, i have been meaning to say – that i was the same – i knew, from very early i ‘saw’ also.
thinking about the mighty lord in your story – it is such a STRONG image – this ‘holy’ man…it radiates through all societies, all mythos – so it would be particularly persistent in ones head. I CAN SEE him. but now, he is ‘all that’, with the addition of a little set of horns.
😉
one step.
One step..
Yep using the ‘light’ to take ahold and to mask his dark intentions..
Of course, I know the gig.. saw it, realized it.. but still it infiltrated on a level
And for some reason today.. I have a level of anger bubbling up…
I recall back and after we had broken up and I needed to vent to him.. he would not respond.. the once.. constant communication was completely halted.. of course, he knows what he is doing..
but when I had seen him and need to get it out … of course, he disappears… it’s calculated by him…
And that angers me.. So I post on here.. because I want NC .. but because anything I might try to communicate to or with him.. falls on deaf ears..
like it did when we were together.. he never heard me.. it was all about him..
Love… it was the opposite of love.. it was control….usuary..
and maladjustment…
I have a kind of shame that I was taken it.. but then am proud that I wasn’t hooked totally and I got out…
but for some reason, still have the anger that the ‘dream’ was so false and untrue…
….
syle, ouuu boy – i got that anger about the dream!
for me it is a beginning of the anger that need to connect with – but this particular thing is the thing i keep experiencing: SHE MADE AND THEN SHE TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME. Leaving me devastated that i will NEVER HAVE THE DREAM.
but………..
…………………..these are OUR dreams. OURS. WE need to figure out what WE can make – even if there isn’t another to make it with or make it for us. WE need to get fierce AND STAND UP, and STEP UP.
Your dream YOUR dream. For YOU. FOR STYLE. STYLES DREAM FOR STYLE.
one step… I have my dreams for myself and am working towards them and didn’t stop..
I am talking the ‘dream’ that he created of a man and a woman together.. living the good life..
and that is for a man and a woman..
I have been on my own for years… and I had given up the dream of a man/woman relationship.. he brought that possiblity back into my life.. and it was false..
so that is my anger…the false hope..
oh now, had I done just as he deem, I could still be in that dream.. but what the ‘dream’ turned out to be.. was his agenda.. and when I realized that my agenda wasn’t half of what matters then I shut down more and more,. stepped further back and he realized that and it was over….
but that dream.. of love between a man and woman is a powerful dream and that is why we are all on here in the first place…
so I still have reside of anger.. that he reawakened that possiblity and it was not only false. It was corrupt..
I still have my dreams for myself..
style1: You clearly describe — and I sense — your anger. Your very legitimate anger at him, for his misrepresentation, and for not being there when you needed the kind of support you gave to him and his family. You deserved to have someone listen to you.
You had good reasons for all the things you did, and it is his loss he did not or could not see and fully appreciate you and the positive things you provided.
You were paying attention and noticing things, to the best of your ability at that time.
You did the best you could under the circumstances, based on the information you had.
Any of us can get drawn into something strange before we know it — we can be distracted by various things, or focused on moving as you were at the time — before we have a clue that something so totally foreign to us, out of the realm of what we’ve previously experienced, is happening.
And we are thrown for a loop. We have no road map initially for navigating this thing.
But you are taking steps — to figure things out, to work through feelings, to get a new direction. To heal. You are human.
Can you also forgive yourself?