A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Newstart,
I tried the “being friends” routine, and boy it DID NOT WORK! Ended up being harrassed and threatened.
It’s particularly hard for you, I’m certain, since you did have a caring relationship with your former husband. Just keep remembering that — that there are good, caring people out there, and some of them are men.
I just want to post this somewhere, because it’s a revelation I’ve had lately, and blogging so lets you share those revelations:
I have realized, over the past couple months, that I’ve had a chain of relationships with sociopaths or narcissists, including my ex-husband, who was, to many people, a sweet, caring man.
He was, actually, a blank – an absolute blank, who hated and feared women, and idolized men. In our relationship, though, he was very passive-aggressive. Of course, everything was about him; he let people (women) rent rooms in our house and asked them to join us for dinner whenever he sensed that I might want to have a conversation about something that challenged him. He basically refused to have sex with me most of the time. He refused to have children because they would ruin his life.
After we broke up, I learned that he had taken all of my complaints and issues against him and turned them around, telling our friends that I did those things to him. (I refused to have children when he wanted them so much –no, no, that was the other way around; I wouldn’t let him do things to the house that he really wanted to do (the man wouldn’t be able to identify the right end of a screwdriver if his life depended upon it); I denied him sex. . . . ) He ended up going after underaged girls in Nicaragua, and getting literally kicked out of the country!
So, you know. I’m thinking I should take a serious sabbatical from men, since it does seem that I attract the psychos. . .
“Let’s not waste 5 years…” isn’t it weird? He makes the relationship sound like an investment! It’s actually what it is to him. It took him 5 years to wrap you around his finger and you want to ruin it now?…(I hope you do!)
TO ALL :
Thanks so much for all the prayers and well wishes. They mean a lot and I so believe in the power of prayer for strength and healing.
Every prayer, visit, phone call , gift and gesture adds to her healing and well being – and helped build her self-esteem – has made her realize she is valued and loved by others more than she knew. There are truly angels at work in our lives and I have a few at this very place – thanks so much !!!!
Happy New year to all,
I came to this site about a year ago broken and battered feeling like I would never ever love or trust again. I took more than a year to be on my own and work on what made me stay with my ex p. I had many sleepless nights, pissing, moaning, whining, complaining, praying, studying, meditating ect in hopes of never getting to a point where I had to remind myself to breathe again. I thought I had arrived. Went on a couple dating sites, had much higher expetations whent on a couple coffee dates, but learned to say thanks but no thanks..even if they were “nice”. Then, I thin he was #5864, 5,864…I weeded through so much bs . But then I broke my 3 e mails, 3 phone call then coffie rule. I had just got out of ICU after a unexpected heart ablation. When I was in the ICU they had me complete a living will and choose a power of attorney. Then they asked who to call,what was my husbands name….I am divorced…who was my significant other….I had none….My mind said you came too far to die alone. when you get out quit being a chicken. 3 days later #5,864 sent a simple message. “wanna chat” We e mailed then he sent his # and I called. One of the first things he said to me was, “it’s going to be ok”…I did not understand at first why he said that when we had only exchanged small talk. But then my heart told my head….this was fate…it’s going to be ok. We met the sameday for dinner. We saw each other everyday, he e mailed, he texted, he wanted to see me. He told me he never ever felt this way ever in his entire life and that he loved me. Ok yes talk is cheap, but he woke up several time before 6am to make me breakfast before I had to go to school…no one ever made me breakfast before. He just showed up at one of my heart doc’s apointments stating that he knew how scarry they were. He drew me a bath and washed my hair. He insisted I went to the emergency room when I got sick (my ex p) had left me for 5 days when I ended up in the hospital so I thought he really cared. Once I gave my all and took down my wall. The light switch …got switched. No more nice words, no returned e mail, texted messages, and if I asked what was wrong he pretended nothing was wrong and insisted that he loved me. We spent many days together 24/7 but most of the time he was on the computer or cell phone. He was suposedly retired when we met but suddenly started doing his advertising again so he nolonger had time, plus he was having problems with his kids and he did not feel good ect. He would no longer touch me. an atta boy hug and peck was all I got. I showed up one day to voice my concerns and he was very cold and basically said that he was just fine with himself and if I had a problem , I could do what ever I needed to do cause he was not going to change. It got worse, viagra disappeared but yet he was not touching me, he talked to other women friends all the time and even had us going to a old gf for thanksgiving. He also told me that he has not trusted me because I did not tell him about my heart problems which I did. He then sid what else arnt you telling me so I said ok you want to know everything “I have brain tumors to” He laughed and I told him it was the truth but I havenot had any problems for 3 years so I did not feel the need till that point to say anything. Well after that he became more didtant, never touches me, when I am gone he says he misses me and when I am there he is on his phone and internet. He always tells me “it’s not all about you. What do you want Molly…I say “all i need is for you to hold me at the end of the day. Then comes the atta boy hug a peck a grunt and he rools over. mon was our 3 months of dating, I bought stakes but he left me at his house for 4 hours. My next heart ablation was the next day so, it was to late for the stakes. The next day he just dropped me off at the hospital, I gave him # to call people to keep them up dated. He never called anyone. When he showed up, he looked in the mirror and let me know how many people “noticed him” in the hallways. He then told me he was hunghy and had to eat so he left. When he came back up he just sat there and then fel asleep. I was to be on complete bed rest. We got home and he made everything just misrable. I could not believe it, he never said a thing about the gifts I left him and when I asked he said he did not like frames, yet he is a photographer. He asked what I wanted for dinner and when I asked if he could please make the stakes he said he did not want to messs around with the grill, he ordered food came home made a plate for him self and went to bed, about an hour later, I got a call from my son who was just placed in the hospital because he had become sucidal. I began crying and I was basically told that I was loosing it and having a “epsode”. I explained that I was not feeling well and that I had already lost 3 children, that I could not loose my last. Before we went to bed I made an appointment with him to hold me the next day (yes I was being passive agressive) at 10 15 I emailed him a reminder. he did come in he pecked me gave me a atta boy grunted. when I asked whats going on he told me he was thinking about Ad copy. I got up packed my things and left.
And yet I still question if I did the right thing or if I just blew things out of proportion.
He e mailed me and told me to contact him after I gathered my thoughts, that I just wanted to control things and that that never worked in my past so why would it now. He ended by saying that he know that he was there for me and he still was if I still wanted A ride to my doctors appointment.
Molly – So sorry to read this, my heart goes out too you – but I would walk to that Doctors appt. and never look back, you are doing the right thing.
Molly:
Don’t let anyone place THEIR problems on you!!!! Duck…..
Glad you found LF….read, educate and make the changes in your life to be free of this.
Oh….and take a cab to your Dr’s….the ‘fare’ of riding with an S is way to steep!
🙂
Welcome, Welcome!!
EB
Molly my dear –
HE IS A BAD MAN!!!! Please, think of yourself and kick him to the curb.
He’s playing every Spath game to the letter.
1.) LOVE BOMBING you at the beginning, making you believe their is instant love from him. There ISN’T.
2.) Going from hot to cold. He’s playing the rejection card with you to make you weak.
3.) Complete LACK OF EMPATHY. You are SICK and now how does he show he “feels” for you? Do you feel cared for or is he really showing his true colors that he only gives a shit about himself?
4.) JARRINGLY INAPPROPRIATE REACTION to terrible news. You told him you have a tumor and he laughs. Your child is suicidal and his reaction is that you are having an episode. This begs the Sociopathic RED FLAG question, “WHO DOES THAT???”
5.) PROJECTION – he maligns your NORMAL human emotional responses and makes you believe that you are the bad person and accuses you of trying to control things when in reality he is MANIPULATING YOU like a true Sociopath.
You want my advice? Tell him you’ll find your own way to the hospital and that he can go to hell.
(((hugs)))
I remember after the S left…..really -really wanting exposure….to scream it from the highest mountains……and I knew the more I talked the more I looked bad.
I remembered whenever there was a terrible tragic incident that we would hear about on the news…….
911, airplane crashes, earthquakes, hurricane Katrina etc…..
When so many people suffered and died……
I would watch the news in horror……just horror……and when the S would get home, I would be just so horrified and try to connect with him about this tragedy…..(my mistake!)…..
His response would be…..so flippant too…..he’d say…..”It’s population control”.
I remember being SOOO VERY disgusted by this…..but it was the same each time.
At first, I couldn’t believe he REALLY felt that way….how could anyone feel that way about others suffering……
BUT….it was the same response EACH time, as he would flip the channel to sports and say…..I don’t know why you would watch this.
ICAN~ your #4 above triggered this memory……
After he left and figuring out no one really wanted to know what an asshole he was……OR NOT FROM ME especially…..and being so frusterated with it…….
I decided to plant the seeds of bringing up tragic moments in ‘history’. Holocast, 911, wars….etc…..
I would bring it around to the S and say….yeah….next time your with the S……he has an interesting view point of this….ASK HIM ABOUT IT!
Some did……and it ended friendships……HE EXPOSED HIMSELF…..
For these friends…it wasn’t good enough what he did to his own family…….but when they heard his views on peoples suffering……disgust would be all they would feel and cut him off…..
This was a great manipulative trick for me to plant the seeds to expose him…..then with time….he does a fine job on his own…..
I no longer feel the need to expose him…..BUT….the minute he steps out of line/legally……I bury him with exposure…..
I think this is why he’s staying away….he never showed up as he had planned….over the holidays…….he’s been cut off his local housing and financial supply…..BY EXPOSING WHAT AN ASS HE IS!!!!
FUCKER!
Wow Erin = you have all the tricks down pat – you’re such a clever gal!. I never would have thought of doing it that way =- ask him his thoughts on such and such because they’re pretty interesting.
I also have been wanting to expose him, but have remained silent. However if anyone asks, I will tell them what happened. But so far he has won over all the mutual friends we used to have and they can’t even make eye contact with me so I know he’s been talking s***. It’s early days yet though. I am sure he will hang himself eventually in public. Just hope I get to hear about it lol