A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Spirit40
“Never fall in love with someones “potential”….I heard that somewhere ..hindsight….he is trying to get his life together…to be a better father….”still going on 13 years…later…OK when ?
Oh and dark side”don’t make the monster come out” you pushed until I made the monster come out… until I cry ..still didnt stop….
Twice Betrayed
They don’t want to change. They are perfectly and I do mean ‘perfectly’ happy just the way they are. Secretly in their hearts they are laughing at the con they run on us and the rebellion they carefully spin around to suit their whims. They win in the beginning but not in the end….and “He who laughs last laughs loudest.” After the looks, virility, and charm start to wane….they find they are working their magic less and less till they are delegated to the bottom of the heap and many times all alone. ” Good always trumps evil….the wheels of justice grind slowly…patience is the greatest virtue.”
eileen
Mine wanted a baby (with me and another gf at the same time!!) and said that would surely help him develop his potential!! It would give him the motivation he needed to sort out his finances, his diet etc. Yeah right…
Ox Drover
The baby with you is the final tether to tie them to you so that they will always have something you value that they can abuse and get you upset–your child! Yea, great thing to make him get himself “in order”—and develop his “potential” FOR EVIL!
Spirit40
Yes .. classic..
“Impregnating the woman is a classic method of “controlling” and “binding” her down. The narcissistic psychopath aware of the shallowness and transience of his own simulated emotions – attributes the same fleetingness to his partner. Saddled with a baby, she is unlikely to vanish on him.”
Think again…….
lightsaber
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses, Blame, Blame, Blame, until the cows come home, about why he hasn’t done anything with his life and then…..
“All I need to turn my life around is the love of a good woman.” <—– BIGGEST LIE EVER!!!!!!!!!
The ex S started getting some gray hairs this year, had a kunipshun fit and ran out and got some Grecian to cover it. He was also beside himself noticing a couple of crows feet developing. If my final strong will after he nearly devoured me was the cause of ANY of that than weeeehaaawww!!!
Maryjane
Mne told me that he needed a supportive woman…
I am laughing about that now..
Let’s see in the first few months of dating him I am helping with his dying mother.. taking her food flowers,, and a Tv to the nursing home, picking up clothes,, buying her clothes, even at times washing her clothes..
She went to my hairdressers for her birthday.. and sat in my dining for her birthday.. with her favorite flowers, desert, etc..
I held the phone to his mother’s ear so her granddaugher could talk to her…
The nursing home called me when she died and I called him…
I helped him do a garage sale.. I helped him pack and store things.. I cooked gourment dinners.. he lived at my fully furnished house and slept it MY BED!
I listened to his sad life stories.. I picked up his cleaning so that when he came home he didn’t have to..
I met his daughter and she caused a scene in one of my freguented restaurants.. where I am known…
And HE WANTS A SUPPORTIVE WOMAN….!!!!!!!!!!
I listen to his financial plans and question but am encouraging..
This was all in the first 7 months of knowing this man!
Who would’ve put up with it all?
No one but a kind, supportive woman like I am…
and he tells me that ‘he’ needs a supportive woman..
eileen
Style 1 – you “helped him do a garage sale”? While you could have done it all on your own! Actually if you had been a supportive person you would have given him more money, and then he wouldn’t have had to sell anything at all.
…I’m joking but I’m sure that’s the way sociopaths really think.
Brrr I would hate to be that supportive woman he’s looking for. Maybe he means he deserves more praise? Like build him a statue in your frontgarden? Have giant pictures of him as wallpaper? Kiss the floor wherever he walks? Brrr…
pollyannanomore
Mine also talked about a baby and something in me knew my life would be hell if I had one with him – I couldn’t put my damned finger on it though – I never twigged it was abuse. That would have beent he ultimate power trip for him – a permanent tie to me forever – thank goodness I had some wisdom on that.
I wonder if he’d like a street named after him … or a magazine …and certainly a posse of admirers – he is hanging out with 22 yr olds now – they’re certainly about his level intellectually .
one/joy_step_at_a_time
BULLET PROOF! – LIKE the new name Stayingsane!