A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
lightsaber
Yup. They DO let their mask slip and that’s a great example you gave – the absolute lack of emotion and humane response to tragedy.
Here’s another example: Not showing disgust at pedophiles. I remember very clearly having a “debate” with him around Thanksgiving the year we were together when there was a news story about a pedophile and I got disgusted and voiced my opinions about them.
His opinions, and moreover his LACK OF DISGUST and shrugging off of pedophilia bothered me and this is interesting how he tried to explain himself. Paraphrased, he said:
“I hate getting into these discussions. Everyone always reacts so predictably. Then when I give my opinion, it always turns into a big fight with everyone mad at me accusing me of having a horrible indefensable position on pedophiles, which I don’t. It’s just the people can’t seem to put their feeling and emotions aside and use their brains when this topic comes up. People always get stupid and emotional and then they don’t hear my very logical reasoning.”
“So what’s your very logical reasoning?” I asked.
“Well, society shouldn’t stigmatize and hate on pedophiles the way they do. You know, it’s been proven they obviously can’t help the way they are. They are programed to get turned on by kids. You can’t help something like that. So, crucifying someone for something they can’t control is wrong. It’s like I’m turned on by women with red hair and maybe someone else is turned on by big breasts, so they can’t help that either. It’s the same thing.”
I tried to make the point that it’s not that. Even understanding that they can’t help it, does not take away the revulsion of how disgusting and wrong it is. It is NOT the same as other sexual turn-ons.
Then he got pissed off and said I was like everyone else that couldn’t put their FEELINGS ASIDE in a logical debate.
What really creeped me out and that I DIDN”T LISTEN to because of his rationalizations, was not that he didn’t even bother to debate about what should be done legally about pedophiles, but that he SHOWED ABSOLUTELY NO REVULSION toward them.
When it comes down to it they are very predictable and unoriginal. Which I look back on with cynical black humor because the XSpath I was with thinks he’s sooooooooooooooo unique. Uhuh sure.
ErinBrock
FIND THEIR WEAK POINT and counter control!!!
It’s just so covert, they will never trace it back!
SSSNNNNNAAAAKKKKKEEEEEE under rock. sssssssssssssssssss.
I’m bad!
lightsaber
hahaha I like this. OK I’ve got another one that will expose them what they are and make the mask slip – not always because they can control it at times but this one applied properly should work.
One common trait about them is that they HATE having their OWN boundaries invaded. This can be different depending the Spath and the person doing the boundary invasion, but I have a theory it would work.
They are masters at breaking other’s boundaries and can be relentless and insanely ballsy in doing so and if called on it will rage in defense mechanisms and projection, yet contrarily they have extreme reactions to their personal boundaries being invaded often to very minor things.
So, if someone were to just touch something of theirs or go into a room or space that’s theirs, their backpack, even stand too close they can fly into a crazy rage.
This would be a good one to prove to someone that doubts when you know someone is a sociopath and you know their triggers. ie. “Oh yeah, you think he’s such a NICE GUY? Go touch his keyboard and see what happens. Let me know how THAT goes.”
banana
Off topic, but I wanted to hear some of the veterans weigh-in on my concerns.
I keep telling myself not to give my X real estate in my head, but my son (19 mos) has recently mastered the name of OW (as best he can as they have taught him ).
When I made the Wednesday exchange he said dada as usual while waiting in the parking lot, as we have been doing this for three months now, but when they pulled up he waved and said her name several times. When I put him in the car next to his father he did not look to him or say dada (perhaps this was because his father looked as if he were running from the law; with his hood pulled way over his head).
Today on our way to day care I asked my son if he was going to see [names of friends] at day care and he said dada, then I said he would see him after day care and he said [OW]like 12 times.
As you may guess this sort of thing just gets me thinking.
She must be paying more attention to him, and as my mom says they are both (my son and OW) seeking attention from one another as last I knew, my XS spends hours (4-8) a day playing video games. (You don’t suppose he has changed at all do you?)
I’d like if OW would get sick of my son. Perhaps she is, but my passive aggresive XS is probably using our son as a buffer and bargaining chip with her.
I don’t know, but it is sad that my son is happier about her than his own father and may become attached to someone who willbe gone in 5 years.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Banana – i think you nailed it; SHE is paying more attention to him.
And I hear your pain about his attaching to her, and to the probability of her going away. kids have lots of great people in their lives who come and go – like teachers. if she lasts 5 years that will be a marvel.
i don’t know anything about her, but you know these assh*les tend to attract caring compassionate women, so that is an upside.
LOVE your description of him. hehe…
personally, i am glad that his time with dada is not vacant against the sound of the video games – that there is some attention there, and if your son is comfortable with her, then they are obviously not vying for dada’s attention – which would be a dynamic i would wonder about coming up.
give it time. all things change over time and maybe don’t look so far into the future. i am curious about how it feels for you to have him attach to her, not just abut the potential of her (if she is so lucky) going away.
best,
one step
Cat
banana,
I understand your feelings of competition where the OW is concerned, but I have found over the years that children come to their mother, no matter WHO or WHAT has come into their lives. I know that happened in my case. This OW won’t last. I have a sneaking suspicion he is doing all of this just to get you upsest. Just because he’s out of the house doesn’t mean he won’t trip your triggers. He knows how much you love this child and now he’s trying to tarnish that. Like my ex, who was, and still is, a pro at using his own child, I feel this one is doing the exact same thing. They ALWAYS have an agenda. Trust that this will pass and life will get better. I wouldn’t let your XS see your reactions about this. I’m guessing he’s counting on that and remember, our emotions are how they get in. Show them none and they will stop. You’re very smart in venting here. WE won’t use your own emotions against you.
one step, right on the money! I’m guessing she’s only his next victim, giving him a chance to display to the world this nice “homey, happy picture”. What a farce!
Hugs! Cat
one/joy_step_at_a_time
banana –
do you think maybe all mom’s have to deal with the competitiveness at some point? but maybe it is about love expanding in your son’s world, and not about it contracting in yours.
i keep getting the ‘lowrider running from the law’ vision in my head and it keeps making me smile. dude. seriously. get a life.
he’s empty, but your son isn’t. and that’s a blessing.
one step
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Banana – oh, it was THERE, even if you didn’t say it! LOL
one/joy_step_at_a_time
…ouuu, did you say black before…no you didn’t, but it was SO obvious. he needs a real crap banger car. a mercedes….any way you can take that from him?
just kidding.
kinda. 😉
ErinBrock
I’m not well versed on ‘OW’ issues…..my kids have nothing to do with their father and they are much older.
I would imagine being able to ‘predict’ S’s future…of not having a stable relationship would be a discomfort for you to know about in regards to your child.
especially if child is bonding.
At some point, it’s like us regretting we didn’t ‘give’ our children a better parent…..we just can’t do anything about the sitution. To be able to see the good in all…..you could view it as……you have….
Well….at least he’s given attention by someone when he’s not with you.
It’s all wrenching……
Bottom line…….if we bring an innocent child into this world…..well stand up and raise a healthy and productive citizen to pass on into the world!!!!
I think they should all be shot!