A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
banana,
The OW being around during visitation is one of those things that you can’t do anything about. Think about it. At least half of all marriages end in divorce. So that means 50% of children are subject to forming relationships with people that are in the exs lives.
However since you pretty well know that your ex is likely playing video games or anything other than actually having some good “bonding” one on one time with your son……Since he isn’t capable of having a good loving relationship….Maybe “she” isn’t the worst thing that could happen here.
The fact that he is so young and calling out her name more than his fathers indicates to me that possibly she is spending some play time or special time with him. In other words she is more of the care taker than his father is in your little boys eyes.
The fact that he likes her is actually more comforting than if he was crying and screaming not to go with them. That would be heartbreaking.
So even though you fear his “attatchment” to her, in the long run might be painful, if she no longer is involved with your ex, down the road…..Maybe she is the better of the two for him to become focused on, right now and as young as he is, in his innocence, he knows this.
I like what one step said about love expanding in your sons world.
You know that your ex is NOT a healthy, loving person. Chances are this OW has compassion and empathy and love all the other things you would want your son to be surrounded by when he is not with you.
Until you learn differently she might be the one who has more of your sons best interest at heart than his own father does during his times of visiting. Remember she is likely his next victim. And the S/P/N do usually pick some very compassionate and nice people to prey on.
You will always be his mom. That will never change. But when you have to let him go for his visits with his father this OW might be your sons care taker for the short time he is gone. It is better that he likes her than if he didn’t like her.
Try to think of it that way. You know his father can be harmful with his lack of emotions and good judgement. Maybe this OW will be the one who has GOOD judgement when your son is in their care.
banana, I’ve been through something like this when my ex-husband (father of my son) remarried, though he wasn’t a sociopath. Similar feelings.
The one thing that struck me in your letter was your son’s age. He’s just heading into the toddler years. They’re really wonderful years in some way, watching them start to become more independent and explore their worlds, and really taxing in other ways. Because the growing independence creates situations that require us to control our irritation and worry, and really think about how we handle everything. I remember wanting to shout no-no-no, when I knew I had to be more clever and less emotional about it, cheerfully diverting him from dangerous or breakable things with exchanges of more appropriate things for him to explore or play with. I also knew that it was crucial for him to know that I was always there, waiting for him to come back to me.
My point is this is an important developmental period for him. He needs patience, tolerance and attention. And she seems to be a benevolent influence during these visits. And I’m not sure that, if she were not there, they would go all that well. His behavior is going to become more challenging over the next couple of years.
And though I know you feel a little insecure about this, I think that her presence might be a real blessing for you, in knowing that someone compassionate and interested is take responsibility for him.
Children’s bonds with their mothers don’t diminish, even if you have childcare. You are the home he comes home to. And in fact, the worst thing you could probably do is communicate any worry about this situation. He has an immature emotional system, which reads things pretty much in terms of whether people are happy and whether they’re happy with him. And if you’re not happy about something he’s doing, his inclination is going to be to try to regulate himself to make you happy, because your nurture is that important to him. This is true, even at his age, and it’s going to more true going forward. So, if you’re praising him for knowing new words, this is just another word to praise him for.
What I would watch out for is signs of emotional complications. If he gives evidence of not being the happy, enthusiastic baby that he is now. He’ll be learning the word “bad” soon, if he hasn’t already. And that too, is just a developmental piece, but you need to stay aware of how he’s using it. Talking about food or other things that he doesn’t like is one thing. Talking about behaviors and/or other people being bad is something that you want to keep an eye on. He is going to pick up this kind of information in any case from TV and other social contacts. But if you start feeling you’re having to “re-do” any fear or confusion that he’s picking up at the other house, you might need to have a chat with them about consistency, and if that doesn’t work, you may have to start thinking about other options, like changing the terms of custody, if you feel he’s at risk.
Shared custody is challenging under any circumstances, and I’m not trying to raise red flags where none exist. But these are important, actually the most important years in child development. I empathize with how you feel, but I think you’re not facing a significant risk of being supplanted, but you want to be concerned that his development is progressing well.
I hope that makes sense —
Kathy
Banana,
I do want you to know that I have been in your shoes. Almost 20 years ago I had the same worries with my son (my oldest) when he went to his visitations with his dad. Although his dad wasn’t an S/P/N, he was a heavy drinker. And so was his live in GF. And they would fight like cats and dogs when they were drinking. I was afraid of “domestic violence” when my son was visiting.
That my son would witness this. Even though my ex was never violent with me in the many years we were together I knew he was capable of it when he drank. Especially if his buttons were pushed.
And they lived in another state so I felt even more helpless because if something happened it wasn’t like I could run right over there and rescue my son.
Sure enough my son was there once for a long weekend and they got into it and my ex was violent with his GF. She called the cops. The cops came.
My son called me and he sounded so scared. Thank goodness my best friend lived close by (I lived hours away) and was able to pick him up quicky (police request) to get him out of the situation.
But the moral of this story was that I didn’t want my son to “witness” domestic abuse. I know it is not good for boys to see this, as often they grow up to be abusers themselves.
However my son talked to me about this on the phone later and also when he came home. And he “sided” with his fathers girlfriend. (the victim) The entire “story” he told was how he saw his father get out of control and then push around a defensless woman. And to my horror he even told how he tried to get into the middle of this fight and help the GF.
He saw it for what it was. And because he didn’t live with it on a daily basis, (or ever again to my knowledge) I don’t think it damaged him by witnessing it this one time. If anything I think it brought out the sensitive side of him.
My biggest fear, of him seeing this side of his father, just might have built some “character” in my young son that he might have never gotten without witnessing this situation.
So sometimes these things that we have no control over, do have a positive influence on our kids. Especially if we are aware of things and willing to talk to our kids about their feelings afterwards.
You are a great mom banana. Just keep “listening” to your heart and your son.
Banana – echoing what the other posters have said = when a child says someone else’s name it means generally they have had a fun time with that person and gone to them for comfort a few times. One step I think mentioned that all mothers may have to deal with this feeling of competition for their children’s affections. I have seen this a lot = teacher friends of mine have talked about young children calling them Mom or later saying ‘I wish you were my Mommy’. These statements can be terribly hurtful to the real mother who thinks they are totally sincere.
However what the child is doing here is expressing love and affection with the only model they have for it – they are generalising the love they have for their real mother and applying it to others when they get a surge of warmth or enjoyment with them. It doesn’t mean they actually want the other person as their mother – just a token of affection when they don’t have a big love vocab.
The real Mom always is number one. This can also be witnessed when children of any age are upset = they can cry for hours for their Mom and no caregiver can comfort them. It sounds like this lady has taken a real interest in your child and made an effort to form some kind of bond – this is very important when children are starting to use the adult as a secure base for exploring and coming back to at this age. I wonder if you can talk with her and form some kind of bond yourself with her?
The other thing that might be useful is to create some kind of home book of photos of you, home and you and your child together for your child to take when visitation occurs — this means he can comfort himself with your image if he feels vulnerable – it could also be a resource for this lady and your son to bond together – looking at the pictures and talking about them – favourite toys or activities, pets, family members. I agree with Kathy that although this is hard for you at least your son has someone really responsive during those visits – you could also ask her to take some pictures of their time together to make a book for the other house for when he is at home with you.
Chances are if a good bond is formed between your son and this woman, she may remain in his life even if the relationship doesn’t work out – I’ve seen this happen quite a few times – the woman becomes an ‘Aunty’ like figure. If not, children are fairly resilient when caregiver adults move on from their life – they usually ask about them for a little while then move on to form bonds with someone else. Children can form bonds with a number of special people in their lives from a young age, but Mom is always number one in their hearts 🙂 This must be a really difficult situation for you to live through – you’re showing great maturity and sensitivity to your son’s needs and that’s to be commended – he will remember that in years to come.
banana:
male = dada, female = mama, he’s figuring out gender, and has no pronouns. awesome. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. Give your head a little shake, there is spath spell clogging your thought processes. stupid low- riding scmuck muck!
Today your posts seem to be about grief, loss and anticipated loss. i’ll ask this, cause i know it is on my mind today; are you dealing with any anniversaries of loss? I hear wanting to hold things close to you and much sadness. Hope you can take it easy tonight and spend some time doing something lovong and grounding for yourself.
best,
one step
banana:
BINGO!
um, yes.
…but also, it is just the quality of the sad. wistfullness – like you are holding something that is already disintegrated in your hands.
that doesn’t explain the low rider black hoodie though – that definitely was a physic image. 🙂
Bananna~
You just reminded me that the FINAL day I endured physical abuse from the S….January 18th….was the day I told him to get the fuck out….or I’d call the police.
Wow……what 2 years will do for a gal!
banana – the something disintegrated could be a time, the past, etc.
is he being complacent? or is this a tactic?
there is something – some hurt, and maybe a lack of acceptance that is asking for your attention, that is manifesting as ‘trouble getting over yourself.’
best 🙂
one step
Bananna:
It’s NOT personal!!!! Remind yourself of that and BOINK for saying you were not good enough for him……
You are WAY too good for him!
and He doesn’t deserve you.
So…….reverse your thinnking……and he isn’t good enough for you……..
And KUDOS for the professionalism at the dr’s today…..that is growth!!!!
Hold onto that one…..and let it empower you……