A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
banana,
You said:
“Would I be the first to say that although there was no part of me today that wanted or even recognized the father of my son as anything but that”sperm donor, father figure, I am hurt that I was not good enough for him?”
That is just not true. You are WAY TO GOOD for him. That is the truth. Look how far you have come 🙂
I think you might be going through a painful period where you are seeing your son “happy” to see the OW. And you see that your EX has moved on and has someone in his life and this is creating hurt feelings for you.
That is normal to feel this way after a break up.
BUT always remember that he is NOT NORMAL. So although you are feeling these normal emotions, once you really look at the situation in the light of reality, this is not a normal break up. (because he isn’t an average guy, he is toxic)
The best thing that could happen to you is happening right now. You are getting this toxic person out of your life.
You are experiencing a small set back (emotionally) and you should to do something to feel good about yourself. Remind yourself daily that you are a wonderful & loving woman and way to good for the likes of him.
Maybe on the weekends that you don’t have your son try and make some fun plans occasionally. Go to the movies with a friend. Or to dinner with a girlfriend. Or whatever you enjoy doing. Go visit someone that you wouldn’t normally find the time to visit. Something.
As moms we can become so “busy” that it is hard to find time for ourselves.
Try to make this time for yourself. Don’t sit at home feeling lonely when your son is away. That just makes what your going through right now worse. Utilize this free time as time for you!
banana: i know this one. i haven’t figured out for myself yet. i think it MAY be some tendril of belief in the dream presented.
(my spath did that whole ‘ everyone IMPORTANT and TRUE is still having a MARVELOUS time’ stuff (and I suspect she still is) and even thought i KNOW the truth – that ALL those people DON’T EVEN EXIST there is still a tendril that i have to unravel.)
So, what is it saying, and what does it ask of you in growth?
It must be the weather.
I keep going to bed earlier and earlier (not tonight of course) and I am always tired and depressed.
Gotta love the north east.
I don’t really think he’s happy with her. He has tried to come back to me many times, even twice after he was served. So I know he has expereinced life with OW and looked ahaed (a bit). I somewhat wonder if he wants to sleep with me again, as his OW is not as easy to cheat on as I was. Her family lives right down the road, they carpool to work everyday, they eat lunch together.
I would be the only excusable choice.
I don’t want it. Don’t worry. bUt there is a seed of doubt, maybe he IS happy, but I am sure from his track record he wont last too long without another OW. I wonder how she could possibly be happy with the man I can say never REALLY made me happy. It was all those unmet promises, talking me up and acting protective, all the while sneaking around.
He must be doing the same with OW right?!
Why would she be happy? And gosh darn it, when will he get caught again?! She is an adultress and by virtue deserves some of what is coming, but I hate the way she gloats like she’s got some prize.
Yeah. The losers lottery babe!
He must tell her some awful stuff about me.
PS I HATE The fact that she does all his writing, e-mails, journal for our son, and even texts.
Witsend,
It must be a setback and I hope its only temporary. I was doing SOOO well. I think things started going down hill after XS hired a new attorney. This guy tells my attorney he has to pay, and he sees he needs to take a hardline approach with him.
My first day back from a nice holiday was interupted by text messages, which are frustrating because of the court order which states he is NOT to talk to me about anything except our son.
(I know there is no feeling here, just a meager ploy by someone with out real emotions, to get me to concede, but boy did it get my head spinning)…
“I would like for you to understand that im not hapy with twhat has happened. My attorneys actions have made things very difficult. He has done things on purpose to keep us fighting. 1.The day we had court and we were talking about getting back together. I told you that my attorney will say something in court to prove to you i wanted to get our marriage back..hefailed me big time there. 2.Then I wrote several emails to him about the 4 way conference we had and OW was there. I told him I would like to have a 4 way conference with u at your attorneys office and me at mine. he even gave me an option of doing it that way. He then waited to tell me you were coming to his office as you got there. im sorry for that, id id not intend for that to happen. i can show you the emails to prove it. it was done on purpose… 3. He told me some rude bs about another topic and that did it for me. im trying to do my best here to resolve our differences. I am not happy with the way things are despite what you think and are told from others. I have been and still very sorry for what has been done..take this as u please.”
I don’t think his attorney set him up. His attorney told my attorney that he asked my XS, “what the “F” is OW doing here?”
banana,
If his lips are moving (or in this case he is typing) he is lying.
Don’t let his attorney or your own for that matter complicate this PARTICULAR thing for you.
You know that he lies. That is one thing for sure you can bet the farm on.
If I understand correctly the OW is paying his attorney fee?
The honeymoon might be over as soon as your divorce is over. Remember that to….Sooner or later she will be as miserable as you were with him. Just a matter of time.
one_step_at_a_time said,
“So, what is it saying, and what does it ask of you in growth? ”
Focus on ME and providing for my boy, and not on XS.
Where is thinking of or trying to figure out XS get Banana? No where.
It’s stinking thinking…the more you think, the more it stinks…I must do and move on!
PS I chose the screen-name, banana because it was nick-name a few years ago when my new friends couldn’t remember my last name except that it had the same letters repeated…but they also thought banana was spelled bannana : )
Banana – sorry for suggesting the bond with this woman – I didn’t know your circumstances are as you described. You must feel gutted about all this and to then see them playing happy families while you’re struggling alone … that sucks. I still stand by my suggestion of the home book though – that will keep your son very close to you even when he is with them and will also show her YOU are Mom – you could even write some simple words under the pictures so if he takes it to her to be read, she has to say the words or he will 😛
One good thing about him being with her though is … if you can strike fast with your lawyer you will get through the divorce with much less hassle than if he was pretending to pine for you and single. That’s the situation I am in at the moment – I have just found out he’s dating someone much much younger. I was angry at first when I found out but now think this is to my advantage in going through proceedings. He will want it wrapped up very quickly and will be more willing to concede on what I want. So as far as I am concerned – I hope his romance lasts right through my legal work!
However it is different for you – you had it end very very badly (are there ever any good endings to these relationships?!) and you have a child with this man at a vulnerable age. Don’t be too hard on yourself with regard to what you are feeling – if you’re angry let the anger come up. Notice and listen to all the feelings that come up BUT DON’T ACT ON THEM. When we act on strong feelings we end up losing and legal arenas are the last place we want to lose – we’ve already lost so much to these sickos. Don’t be manipulated by him and analyse every communication to figure out his angle and what he’s trying to extract from you whether pity, concessions or support. Doing this logical analysis with my ex allowed me to gradually distance the emotional hurt from me and now I feel quite detached from him. I am very very sure I don’t want him back and if he came knocking I would kick his ass from here to kingdom come. She is welcome to him – every sick molecule in his being.
I’m really sorry you’re going through all this – it sucks. You are way better than him and she’s an idiot for taking a married guy with a young child – karma will ensure her actions backfire on her. They’re in honeymoon mode at the moment, which I bet you can remember – it’s that character you fell in love with – the charming, gorgeous man who was all fake. Rest assured she will be suffering soon as you did and doubting herself and wondering why she is crying. She might even contact you then to find out what the heck is up with this guy. Pathology is the inability to form meaningful relationships and sustain them, the inability to learn from previous experience and the inability to grow, change and learn. He won’t be treating her any different from you once they’re fully settled into relationshit – remind yourself of that often.
Kathy had a great idea on another post – to create a ledger of what he ‘owes’ you whether financial or whatever. Write down everything he stole from you. Then if he wants back into your life in any way you simply say
“Sure but first you have to pay me XXXXX plus interest plus a fabulous piece of jewelry as a token of goodwill for the heartache you caused and then we’ll think about it. Till then get on your donkey and ride off into the sunset gaucho”
Can you honestly imagine him paying you back for what he took from you? Is it even possible for him to pay you back and balance the ledger? Use any tactic you have to in order to remind yourself what a bad dark hearted evil person he is. For me that meant scrolling through abuse websites and copying and pasting anything I found that I had experienced. I have over seven hundred pages in that file now. In addition I wrote over two hundred of the specific ways he hurt me over the time we were together. Any time I felt weak in the early days, I just had to review all the evidence I had gathered – usually after reading a few pages, I was well over him and my blood was boiling with righteous anger – it worked! You have to find what works for you because your words are full of hurt and hurt is a dangerous space for us to be in – hurt makes us vulnerable. Anger is better – anger is deserved for what they did and it ensures we will never be sucked in again. My lawyer told me when I was crying in her office
“You have to find your anger about this – you are falling apart with hurt right now and that’s no good to go through this process with. You’ve hurt enough already. I want you to go home tonight and write all the things you have to be angry with him for and don’t let the hurt feelings get in the way – just the angry ones need to come out.”
Anger is not a great emotion to sit with for ages, but it’s preferable to the vulnerability of hurt. I’ve felt so much stronger since uncovering and finding expression for the anger and the best thing is – he has no idea about the emotions I have gone through – I wouldn’t give the bast*** the satisfaction. But you must express them in some way – whether writing, painting, punching a pillow, smashing tiles with a hammer, dancing – whatever – find your outlet and let it out 🙂
Your’s with much love – please let us know how you are feeling – let everything come out that needs to – you’re way better than him and one day soon you will realise that 🙂 Hugs 🙂
What a great post Pollyannanomore!
I am finally away after almost 14 years of marriage and am now just connecting the dots.
Now he is trying to contact me again, his message today was:
“Now I am sure you are and have been cheating on me. All you wanted was for me to leave. I loved and fathered your son for most of his life. In return you took my son away from me.. You are truly sick and need help. How could you do this to everyones lives?”
In early October he lost his job due to excessive absenteeism. He started using prescription and illicit drugs and was sleeping all day and partying all night…and methodically emptied our accounts…I finally told him I could not live this way anymore. This was the third drug “cycle” as I call it and he would always lie, about everything!! He also broke my finger quite badly a few years back during his last drug binge but it was “my fault” for getting in his way…his mother validates his feelings and tells him that I will always blame him for it…I don’t know why I stayed, I kept hoping he would “snap out of it”…and therapy was terrible and now I know why…he is such a master manipulator.
In the beginning of December, he locked himself in our son’s room for 5 days and came out only to terrorize me and the children while highly under the influence. He tore down my bedroom door but would then hide in there. He then beat himself up and went to the police to tell them I did it. He was committed to the local mental hospital and was held for five days. The diagnosis was severe mood disorder with a psychotic break. He then fled the state, cutting off my access to all our funds and I did not hear from him until last week when he started asking why I was doing this to him. I have been struggling to keep everything together since…I thought he was gone for good but apparently not.
The above is in response, I believe, to the child support notice he received from the AG. I have not been able to find an attorney to help me as they want $$$ as this appears to be a nasty case in the making…so I am taking care of it myself with an attorney who has offered to look over my paperwork but not represent me (I am so grateful for the little bit of help I have gotten:) but it takes time…lots of time…he has not attempted to contact our son by email, mail or phone, even on Christmas and does not inquire to his well being, just appears to think of him as a possession…He did accept my older son from a previous relationship (now 18) as his and this is what he refers to above. He disowned them both verbally the last week he was here, and quite disgustingly I might add…
Neither of the boys want him back…they are afraid of him at this point…
For the record, I never cheated and am not even dating or ready to at this point…I so strongly feel the need to defend myself and let him know he is and was the problem but I realize this is fruitless…I am now trying to stand strong with NO CONTACT!!
I am only realizing now that something was NEVER right and I recognize this in his other family members…I am trying so hard to stay strong and not reply to this bait – no contact as I have read…
Not sure where to post this non-sequitur, but I’m feeling a little upset and scared today. My 10 free therapy sessions have ended. Even though the therapist was able to cut her fees in half, they are still more than what I can afford, moving forward. (Please do not give me advice to pick up a 4th job–I will bite your head off. Just giving you fair warning). Although I think I was just starting to make progress, therapy was the only place I could be totally authentic. The thought of going back to work and all my social circles and having to put a face on, with no one I can be authentic with, scares me.
I could use my emergency fund/savings to continue therapy. But I think I’d be even angrier if suddenly I had an emergency and didn’t have the money for it. Or if I had to cancel my upcoming trip to visit a friend in Jamaica this October so I could pour all my savings into therapy. (They are both the same fund, and it is all I have to my name). I mean, I need to have SOME life. Even if I could afford the therapy, I’d never be able to go out to lunch or do anything besides stay home all the time.
Having to deal with survival issues my whole life, I have never had the luxury to afford a really good therapist like this one who can actually help me. I feel like therapy is a necessity in order for me to get well. But at 49 years old, I just don’t have the energy to make any more sacrifices for it. I work very hard at several different jobs so I can buy food and living expenses for myself and my 4 animals. I’m just at the limit. HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO SACRIFICE OVER MY UPBRINGING??? My parents took so much from me, and now I feel like they’ve taken my future away too.
I don’t want any advice please. I’m just angry and venting. Most people in my life don’t understand what I’m doing when I push them away, which I’m doing a lot of right now. The therapist understands and she understands the pain underneath it. So I can be myself with her. It’s the only place to deal with all the borderline abandonment issues that I have to hide from all my clients, co-workers, and even friends.
I’m so tired of my life being a catch-22.