A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Star, I know you like this therapist, but have you considered finding one with a sliding scale? That’s a pretty substantial rate, and I know you could do better. Have you asked your therapist if she would do a sliding scale with you? Probably you already have, and this is as far down as she goes. So then, why don’t you ask her for a referral to someone who does sliding scale to a lower rate. But who also works with family trauma issues. The methodology is going to be pretty much the same, but they all have something personal and unique to offer.
I totally relate to what you say about being able to share what’s going on with you with the therapist. And about it being stuff that would scare or alienate your friends. The year I did with a therapist in my multi-year recovery was when I first hit the angry stage (not just about my ex, but about everything) and I used to think of myself as the human flamethrower. She not only gave me a safe place to talk about what I was feeling, but encouraged me to explore these feelings. She also helped me stay on track, guiding me gently back to my important issues when I started to get distracted by stuff that wasn’t so meaty.
And I understand why you’d be angry about spending the money that you had put away for a fun adventure. But you know, this might be part of your righteous rage about your family issues, and actually part of this healing stage.
I think you know I’m in my early 60s, but I had my first round of therapy when I was in my mid 20s. I’d been through a lot, and I had what they call a psychotic break, which was just an overwhelming lot of emotional noise. And in that first round, I just wanted to get the noise down to a bearable level. I had a second round at 40, a couple of years with someone who actually was a specialist in incest recovery, but I still just wanted to work on self-defeating behaviors, not their causes. I had another round in my early 50s, with a woman who specialized in working with artists, and all I wanted to work on was why all my relationships were so bad.
It wasn’t until I kicked the ex out of my life, and decided to finally figure out what was wrong with me and fix it, that I found the last therapist who also specialized in adult survivors of childhood abuse. Unlike my other therapists, I didn’t particularly like this woman at the beginning, but she said things that were really on-the-button. So I told her exactly what I was doing, and what I wanted out of this, which was to get down the original causes and do whatever I had to do to heal them. I wanted to do it as fast and efficiently as possible, because I was sick of being dysfunctional and I wanted to have a different future.
She said, “You know this is going to take a little time?” I said, “Probably not as long as you think. Let’s get started.”
Well, it did take time. Really, counting from the time I kicked him out to the time I think I was really working on changing my life (not just my head), it was somewhere between three and four years. Because as focused and determined as I was, it just takes time to follow the feelings down to the sources, to find a way through the patterns of acceptance and denial, to face facts I was hiding from all my life, and then to learn how to allow myself to “own” the feelings that I’d also buried with the memories.
But I can tell you that, in one year, I did the parts I simply couldn’t have done alone because my denial was so entrenched, and my blocks to memory and feeling were so much a part of my self-protection. Being with her helped me feel safe enough to do this, and I trusted her to keep an eye on me and let me know how I was doing. After every session, I asked if I was doing okay. And she’d tell me. Most of the time she told me I was doing great. Occasionally she’d say that I seemed to be spinning my wheels a bit, and give me a suggestion about what to focus on. And after a year, though she didn’t think I was “finished,” I was ready to do the rest of it on my own.
I’m telling you all this, both to encourage you to think seriously about spending this money as a gift to yourself and your future. And to reassure you that you may be able to get the most difficult and important work done in a relatively limited amount of time. I know a lot of people stay in therapy for years, and I can understand why they do it. But I also believe that if you just can break up the logjam of fear and denial at a fundamental level, and you feel like you want to go on with healing under your own management, it is a possibility.
And I think that, compared to me, you are working on the “real stuff” at a much earlier age. And this is important. I got this work done in my late 50s. Though I’m glad I did it at all, I can’t help but think how different my life would have been if I’d done it earlier. I’m the same person I’ve always been in the best parts of me, but all those ways that I had such low expectations and all the ways I sabotaged myself because I really didn’t think much of myself or was at war with myself are not totally gone. But I know them now for what they are, and I’ve gone a long way toward changing the way I think and changing my life.
Recovery is really about recovering our sense of who we really are and our power over our own lives. Not in a defensive sense, though that comes first. But in a creative sense, where we understand more about our own potential and the options we have in the world. And how to live in a way that has more meaning and makes us happier and more satisfied.
You deserve that. How we treat ourselves is the first cause of what we get from other people and the world. And you deserve to be treated as the tremendously valuable person you are — with care and love, with concern for your future, and with the kind of personal education that brings you to your highest potential. And it has to start with you. What you think you’re worth.
So I’m not sure if this seems like I’m trying to convince you to pay for therapy. Maybe I am, but you know what’s best for you. Therapy might not be as life-changing as going to Jamaica. That’s a decision you have to make. As they used to say when I was a kid, “You pays your money and you takes your chances.” But, one way or another, it sounds like you’re working on changing your life in fundamental ways. If you’ll forgive me for sounding like your mother, I am so proud of you for what you’re doing and what you’ve already accomplished. You’re definitely on the right track.
Kathy
Star,
I too understand about loving therapy, and feeling safe to be yourself there. I hope that you find a way to resolve your current difficulty, and get to therapy, if that is what is speaking to you.
I have raged (really) over how much time and money I’ve spent in therapy, saying that if I had all that money back I would own several houses, and have paid for a master’s degree, gone around the world, and still had a good savings account balance. I have been angry that I have ‘had’ to allocate these resources, BECAUSE of my effed up background. I have been angry that childhood trauma made me seek wholeness through abusive relationships, and that this siderailed me from other, more ‘healthy’ pursuits and accomplishments. I have been angry that I ‘wasted’ so much of my brain power and goodness recreating my original trauma, over and over. If it is any consolation it looks like this could be a shared experience for us ‘survivors’, and is part of the process of healing. This outrage at what the deficits from our childhoods ‘cost’ us. And it is plenty, for many here.
I don’t have any advice Star. But I wanted to throw in my understanding and send you my wish for resolution.
Much love to you…..
Stargazer– I get your points that it is a bit strange to have someone say you “worry” them. It is also strange to get advice when you specifically state that you are not seeking advice.
I try to be conscious of these subtle things, especially since written language cannot be easily interpreted as well as face-to-face communication.
Never do I want to give anyone here the impression that I think I possibly know them or the details of their situation better than they do — so I generally stay away from giving definitive advice, or will offer suggestions only in the context of what worked for me without implying it will be the appropriate step or choice for them.
When I make comments to others here, my general approach is more philosophical, in the interest of “relating” by sharing common areas of concern or providing affirmation in recognition of someone’s growth and the positive changes they are making internally as a result of their experiences.
And to trust that each person here has the intelligence to figure out their next steps without need of pity nor admonishment from me to “do this/not that” — as if one size fits all, based on us sharing a common experience with a N/S or other toxic people.
Kathy,
I did not read your entire post because it began with advice, and I have mentioned twice that I am venting and grieving the loss of someone wonderful. I really don’t need advice. And yes, I have tried literally dozens of therapists over the years, most of them the discount variety. This one was special. I had just gone through two of them prior to her. Please do not therapize me today because it is not what I need. I mean this with all due respect, because usually I enjoy your posts. I do appreciate your support.
Recovering, I did not get the feeling you were therapizing nor do I ever get that from your posts. And thanks for respecting my request.
For those who have thought I am so far along in the healing process, you can see I have a long way to go.
Slimone, I think you “get” it today, and for that I am very grateful. Thank you also for your support. Sometimes it just sucks and sometimes you just gotta rage at the heavens. My inner child is about 3 and very borderline. If there is a way to work out these issues without a therapist, I will find it or die trying because I don’t really have much of a choice right now.
Sorry I sent a draft by mistake.
Just to finish that sentence: if I ever write on this site that I’m about to let my ex-S back into my life, please all feel free to give me advice – instructions even – come over and kick my a** if you are close enough!
Eileen. I will. I’m taking names and kicking asses today, so just give me your address. I also have a very large skillet. lol
Star, I know, I know, I know. I actually wrote two posts last night and deleted them, telling myself, “Kathy, you are a grown-up and you can write a supportive post without any suggestions or advice.”
But I lost it today. And you saw the results. After I sent it, I read a couple of your recent posts on another thread, and wanted to bang my head against the wall. (Figuratively, not literally.) Because you clearly didn’t need to hear anything I had to say. Other than I sympathize and relate. I’ve been there and actually am there right now with being unable to afford a lot of things I really need.
So, I’ll just duck out of the way now, and leave you to people who are better at what you’re asking for.
Kathy
Star,
I think I get it to…I think it is because I am right there with you, on the same path, possibly in the same stage. Only older than you. UGH.
I to, have found a therapist, but one that does work on a sliding scale. And she seems pretty workable for me to maybe get through some of my issues…However, even with the sliding scale I don’t know how long I can afford to continue to see her as my income has changed so drastically.
It really just sucks. I think of it as myself as being in a very angry stage. And I feel kind of stuck in it. And I don’t even know what to deal with first. The stuff on the surface, the issues with my son. The here and now stuff…Or the core stuff. The hurt & angry child inside of me. It is all so complicated.
And to be really honest, sometimes I would like to just be able to skip it all and get onto the “happily ever after” part of life. Even if that means being alone, without a partner. Because I thought I had made peace with all of that already. Just recently though I started feeling really lonely again. So that feeling of going backwards instead of forward is weighing heavily….Sigh.
Vent away Star…At least venting is free. And the feeling of support here does prevail.
A big hug to you….
Kathy, thank you for taking the heat like a the cool woman you are. (((hugs))) Please don’t give it another thought.
Hi Witsend, know what the most frustrating part is? I could probably afford this therapist if I asked for more hours at my job–the job I’m desperately trying to get out of. It’s like the golden noose.
Funny, back when I was a stripper, I had money oozing from my pores. My mortage (in my ghetto condo) was $150 a month, and I was bringing home about $1000 a week in cash working just a few nights a week. Did I spend it on therapy? Of course not. The nature of the work made me focus on other things besides spiritual/growth ones, as you can probably imagine. There are so many ironies in life and that one didn’t escape me.
Oddly, it really does help to know I’m not the only one. I suppose I could take it out of my emergency fund. I really hate to do that. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.