A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Oh, I meant to say $1000 a week I brought home.
Kathleen,
Even though you might be farther along on the road to recovery than I am, I always read your post. Regardless of whom they were intended for. And although sometimes I get “lost” in the process of how hard you have worked to get to where you are today, because I am not there yet….I still always have hope, after reading what you have said. Because it shows me how difficult and long the process really is. And that it really is POSSIBLE with alot of hard work to get to a better place. And more importanly that it is worth it.
So your words are never written in vain. Someone here on LF today read exactly what they needed to hear in your post. That is the great thing about coming here.
Witsend, I sometimes wish two friends who are going through similar things could just make a contract with each other to just blow out all the anger at one another, push each other away, or whatever we need to do to act out (which is what I have been needing). If the other person understood, no therapist would be needed.
eileen, what you say here makes sense for you and your life: “if I ever write on this site that I’m about to let my ex-S back into my life, please all feel free to give me advice ”“ instructions even ”“ come over and kick my a** if you are close enough!”
Your “I” statement makes all the difference, I’d say.
So please take the following for what it’s worth, in the context of your reference directed toward something I sense (and because I am not certain, I am I willing to give the benefit of doubt…):
What you said to me yesterday on a different post was one of those generalizations that actually could be misconstrued as judgmental at best and insulting at worst, particularly when you don’t fully know another person’s particular situation. You wrote: “Someone with clear boundaries wouldn’t want anything to do with their ex-N/S anyway.”
Should I have taken that as an insult when you gave advice I didn’t ask for, about whether I should allow my ex to contribute more money to my business?…And since I already owe him money he previously loaned me (a fact that cannot be erased until the money is repaid), does it mean I don’t have clear boundaries because I occasionally talk to him on the phone?
Does your comment also apply to people who co-parent with an ex-N/S ”“- even when it’s in the best interests of their child/ren to interact and work cooperatively to the best of their ability with the other parent?
Just wondering.
Could some people be doing the very things they label as offensive in their exes ”“ projecting their issues onto others; judging as if they know it all, assuming they know what is best for someone else?
Just wondering.
For what it’s worth, I happen to think there are people who do know themselves well enough to know what they can and cannot handle, based on their own history, personal qualities, life experiences, motivations, etc.
Whether I understand the reasons or not, the approaches people here take to their own life and how they deal with other people are ultimately for each of them to decide, not me, except when pertaining to my own life.
MyBoysmattermost:
Welcome, Welcome…..
Your situation sounds horrible….and I’m sorry you have had the experience.
You sound as if you have a good head on your shoulders and are coming to the reality of your situation.
Continue to educate yourself and raise your awareness and keep your strength.
Thank you for having the courage to post. We can all learn from each other.
Stay strong……
XXOO
EB
Star,
I think your onto something.
I do not have any friends in RL though, that are going through similar things. Do you? They are all in much different places in life that I find myself in. I can relate to some of them better than they might relate to me. Most of my friends are married. Some happily and some not. I have been married, so I can relate to some of the issues that arise in both a happy union and a non happy union. However none of them are alone. Some are financially secure and a few of them are not but facing this together, not on their own. None of them are in therapy.
I feel like the “sick” one of the bunch. Although ironically many of my friends do come to me for advice? LOL. As if that makes any sense. I suppose it is because I can be a good listener. Or because for some reason my friends think of me as the “survivor” type, I am not sure why. I am a survivor I suppose, but not in the way they think.
I guess that might be EXACTLY where I am in my life. I am tired of just being the survivor. I want to live life and not just survive through it.
Recovering,
If I may make a comment about your concern toward eileens posts;
When I read that post from her to you, “Someone with clear boundaries wouldn’t want anything to do with their ex-N/S anyway.”
I did not take her comment to mean that you did not have clear boundaries. Maybe I am neive, but I feel and trust that everyone here, even if what they say comes off as rude, means well. That they have taken the time to post to support and encourage me, or to get be back on track.
I feel strongly that no one here would EVER try to hurt someone else (with the exception of those rouge/mole posters just here to hurt us and leave).
So, although I cannot speak for anyone else here for many reasons, one being that I am reletively new here, I think you need to take the comments in the most positive way.
My therapist has said some things to me that I thought were insensitive for a therapist and a CHristian therapist ESPECIALLY to say, and after some thought I could see she was challenging me to become more introspective
I think I am babbling a bit.
But I feel your pain and I wish I could be there to look you in the eye and show you my sincerity.
I do have to co-parent with my XS, and my boudaries are very UNclear. In my family of origin there are NO boundaries, and it has been difficult to grow since I’d rather spend time with them on the weekends than anyone else, because I can be my most horrible true self with them and know they will NEVER reject me.
I suppose that is why I feel your pain so strongly and wanted to tell you that I did not feel eileen was insulting you.
I take what people say or don’t say to me very-much to heart, and always worry what other’s think. It’s hard for me to make friends because I am assuming they will not like me and reject me as all my HS and college friends eventually did.
I also feel for you STARGAZER for the same reason and wish I could be there to be that friend you stated you wanted to, “just make a contract with each other to just blow out all the anger at one another, push each other away, or whatever we need to do to act out.”
Hugs to you STAR
No, witsend, I don’t have any friends in this predicament either, outside of here. This is one of the things that sets me off these days when my friends think they can relate to my struggles….with their 4 cars and fancy houses and retirement funds. I feel like I’m just not in the same category, and sometimes I want to yell it at them. But you know, you can’t do that.
One of them is going through a divorce after many years of marriage. Her husband helped her move and even bought her new furniture. When she spoke to me, she compared it to what I went through when she and I first met, with a guy I split with. I didn’t say anything, but I was living with that guy. He cheated on me openly, told me I wasn’t his gf, threatened to throw my things out in the street if I didn’t leave, and I never spoke to him again. It cost me my entire life savings to get away from him. He was rich but never helped me with the move or anything else. After 3 years, I learned he had never loved me. How is this the same? It took me YEARS to get over that, and I still dream about it sometimes. How is this the same as divorcing a loving husband that you have used for his money for several years, knowing you were no longer in love with him, and then still having him help you financially and physically during the divorce?
Another one that I can’t even bring myself to speak to any more borrowed $250 from me last year to pay her phone bill. I found out later she was spending $500 a month on storage units at the time!!! Gee, I wish I could afford a storage unit. She was not able to pay me back for many months because it was beneath her to take a job in anything besides real estate. Well, gee, I’d love to be able to live on commission sales too, borrowing from poverty-stricken friends to pay my bills.
Sometimes people just seemed so privileged to me and don’t know what real suffering and real poverty are. It’s definitely one of my triggers at times like this. I have scrubbed toilets, waited tables, taken off my clothes, and now am an office slave, in order to pay my bills.
It sounds like you judge yourself for being the odd person out and feel bad about it. I feel angry about it. It makes me want to live in a third world country where people appreciate every little thing they have.
Thanks, banana, I just saw your comments to me. I wish we all lived closer to each other.
banana, thanks for your comments, and I do believe in giving the benefit of doubt. But I also think any of us can sometimes forget that where we are in our lives does not always overlap into someone else’s life.
I had an aunt who loved giving unsolicited advice without having enough information, and she often gave unbalanced feedback to younger women in the family (based on our subsequent comparisons of her comments). I learned to tune her out on many things, because her perspective would often be so far off-base that you knew she had not heard you, and was simply reflecting on her own issues more than anything else. Such as when she’d make over-generalizations about contemporary men, money and work-related matters that she had no direct experience with.
My aunt was wise in many other ways, though, so we had to sort through the wisdom versus the non-sense. But she rarely gave people “credit” for knowing anything/themselves, as if she knew what was best for everyone. She’s mellowed with older age and lacks the energy to run everybody else’s life now due to health challenges.
Like you, I generally trust that everyone here means well when they take time to post, and I have appreciated the support and encouragement. But I also know we are all human and can occasionally engage in “blind-siding” communication styles/ tricks-of-the-trade with others and dis-own things in ways similar to how disordered people habitually relate.
So my goal is to practice boundaries and restraint here too as much as possible. Given the lack of face-to-face communication, I also know there are times I have to step back and reflect after offering an opinion, and acknowledge a different view/understanding upon receiving new information from someone.