A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Recovering, I guess I misinterpreted the question you were asking. I thought you asked if it was possible to become friends with a S-ex. I think you used words like “play a part in one’s life”, which for some reason I interpreted as the possibility of having a meaningful friendship with the S. I had no idea you were referring to your personal business situation – your question seemed general, so was my answer.
I’m not too sure what’s the boundary between answering a question and giving advice, but I’m sorry if I offended you.
However, my post did not contain nor imply any judgment directed against those who have to stay in contact with a S for professional or co-parenting reasons, and I don’t think I deserve your charge of projecting, knowing it all, etc.
I’m not sure exactly how to say this. Mostly because I’m pretty sure I’m going to get whacked. But I’m going to do it through a story about myself.
When I was in what I now call my flamethrower phase, the person in my life who was probably most helpful in dropping great recovery hints made the mistake of commenting that he was worried about me. The occasion was that he’d found out that I had made an effort to see (just from a distance) my ex’s subsequent girlfriend. My interest at the time was to see whether she was okay, because at that point I was still feeling responsible for him. And if she looked like she was falling apart, I was going to try to talk with her and offer her help.
(I know, I know that my thinking and my intentions were loaded with stuff that we could all tear apart, but that’s not the point of this story.)
When my helpful friend made that comment. I went off. Really off. Told him I didn’t want his judgments. Told him he was behaving like a stooge for the ex, because no one profited from his criticizing me in this, except the ex. Told him that I was beginning to think I’d misjudged his character all along, and that maybe he was being so “helpful” to me in order to keep me all involved with my own healing, so I wouldn’t be thinking about getting back at my ex and trying to retrieve some of what I’d lost. That maybe the two of them were in cahoots. And it was a good thing I realized this now rather than later.
This was before I came to LoveFraud. You guys didn’t meet me until I’d gone through this.
Now my friend, who is the wonderful Buddhist I’m always talking about, thought about it for a few weeks. And wrote me an e-mail that said, “I respect your opinions, and I’ve really thought about what you said. And asked a few other people for their opinions too. And I have to say that none of us really think I’m a stooge for X.”
I can laugh about this now, sort of. But at the time, I was really dangerous to be around. I broke off decades-long friendships because one person made the mistake of telling me that she understood why I was so sensitive, and another person made the mistake of telling me that at least I hadn’t lost my house. I had forceful conversations with people who were totally compassion- and spirituality-based in their entire lives, explaining to them why they really needed to get in touch with their anger and how they were misleading anyone they were teaching, if they didn’t rouse them to righteous anger about what was wrong in the world. I stared down strangers if I didn’t like the way they looked at me. Etc., etc., etc.
And you know what? I was a good time. Sometimes I almost miss it. I realize I sound like I was out of control. In some people’s views, I probably was. But my sensitivity to what was respectful and what was not was at an all-time high. I was seeing through passive-aggressive behaviors and refusing to participate. I started telling the truth and not caring what anyone thought, because it was my truth. And I started — for the first time in my life — respecting the history, experiences, feelings, and perspectives that were uniquely mine. Not only respecting them, but really valuing them, because I saw how muddle-headed and acquiescent and lost in denial and manipulative other people were. I started judging and blaming. A lot. Things that had confused me all my life just started untangling in my mind. And I remember thinking “Damn, damn, damn, that’s what happened! What a jerk X was. What an unconscionable a**hole.”
I wasn’t here on LoveFraud then. And I’m glad I wasn’t. Because no one in my personal circle was really vulnerable to getting their feelings hurt in any major way. All the people who cared about me had been watching me implode for years, and they knew I was trying to claw my way out of it. So my Buddhist friend’s response was one of the few direct responses to something I said. More often I would hear something like, “I hear you and I understand how you feel.” Which just seemed like a bland no-comment at the time, but in retrospect, I realize that it defused my attack mode. (My therapist, by the way, said I was really lucky to be living alone at this time, because it would be a lot harder if I had children.)
If I’d been here when I was that sensitive and that prone to anger … well, I don’t even like to think about it. Since I’ve been here, I’ve had my feelings hurt a few times (by people who were sensitive and got angry about something I said) and only got angry at someone once. But I didn’t discuss it in the posts, because I was afraid of what it might start among other people, who might frightened by my anger or feel like they needed to take sides.
When I first started writing as an author here, Donna wrote me a private note. It was very nice (as she always is) but also a polite little whack about the way I was being analytical and judgmental toward other people. She said that there was only one rule on LoveFraud, and that was that we be supportive of one another.
Over the time that I’ve been writing here, I have thought over and over again how brilliant she was to make that one rule. How well it served us when it came to outing visiting sociopaths. And how it really, really helped me to appreciate and try to learn how to support other people, from the way other people supported me.
But big supportive hugs to everyone —
Kathy
eileen: I appreciate that you did not mean your comment as an offense. Thank you for clarifying this. And I can accept your view that projecting, knowing it all, etc. does not apply to you.
Miss Hawk – we should start the SISTERHOOD OF THE FLAMETHROWERS.
*I* want to join. I want to be whoever, however, whenever.
it IS important.
and freeing.
and creates a huge swath of scorched soil at one’s feet.
but there is wisdom in the boundary of that parched ground; new vision, protective love and aloneness. Ground zero.
one step
Star,
Well we are on the same page there for sure. I had a friend awile ago that her husband USED to work all week away from home and only came home on the weekends because he worked out of state. Making very good money I might add.
This was back when my sons behavior first became out of control. And I’ll admit I was whinning about it with a group of friends. (also was before I even knew the REAL extent of the problem) And this particular gal said that she knew exactly what I was going through, raising kids alone blah, blah, blah.
And bless my other friends heart, she told this gal that she had not even an inkling what I was going through because while her husband was away from home making money, (while she was busy w/kids) and coming home on weekends only to present her a nice big fat paycheck & each weekend he would then take her long “honey do” list and work on all her projects she had listed for him to “do” over the weekend…..This was not quite the same, what I was upset about.
I might add that this friend (w/ the weekend husband) was a princess and a very entitled one at that. She thought that being one week over do for a hair appointment was a major crisis in life. And her hair appointment was never over do because of money being an issue. It would be more like “how dare” her hairdresser be on vacation when SHE needed a haircut. If you catch my drift.
I actually am not friends with the princess any more. I really can’t deal with her at this stage of my life. And I really can’t relate to her on any level. She is one of the most self centered people I have ever met. I deal with her on a business level now and not any kind of personal realationship.
I have done a little house cleaning, when it comes to people I spend time with on a personal level. My friends are all good people. They might not live the kind of life I do, or even relate to it much, but they are wonderful people that accept me for whom I am. And I DO appreciate that.
Because I am not always the easy person to be around when I am down.
I wish we did live closer, and could all support each other in RL.
For the record you can “yell” at me any time you want to. Just let me know that is what you want from me. So I know, NOT tell you what I might be thinking but to just shut up and listen.
I THINK we really all DO need this kind of person in our lives. If we can’t have it in RL, we can have it here.
I honestly think that you are onto something about having that in our life. Someone who won’t judge us at the moment. Or even try to fix us at the moment. Someone we don’t have to PAY to listen. (lol)
Sometimes when we are really angry about something other peoples input sound like they are minimizing our situation or feelings, or even our intelligence. I am pretty sure that isn’t most peoples intentions. Especially here on LF.
It is easy to slip into wanting to give advice here because many times when we post that is WHAT we are asking for. And many times we have been there, or are currently there or…So wanting to share seems kind of natural. But not always what we want to recieve.
Good for you Star that you are able to even know what it is you really NEED at the moment. Sometimes I don’t recognize that until after the fact. I think you are awesome 🙂
Kathleen,
Thanks for sharing part of your story. I enjoy reading about where you’ve been and what your life has been like. I always seem to find similarities. Occasionally, I do feel condescended by some of your comments. It’s in the wording…”once I was where you are….”. It’s really hard to look up to any one person here as any better or farther along than anybody else at all times, because I believe we all have our pockets of unconsciousness and our strong points. Even now, I imagine your response will be something to the effect of…”Star, I once was where you were at in my flamethrower phase…” It’s this type of terminology that alienates me because I don’t know how to respond to it in the present. And now having said this, I need to hold myself to a different standard of communicating because I know I do the same thing sometimes. It sounds very nice and analytical to just call it a “phase”. And who knows, maybe some day I’ll look back and laugh and think, “you know, Kathy was exactly right.” But for now I just prefer to have my feelings understood and validated rather than analyzed and looked at from a distant perspective of someone who’s way past all that. I hope that makes sense. Good lord, if my therapist had ever said to me …”You’re going through a phase”, I’d probably would want to knock her into this time tomorrow. Not really, but it would really piss me off. I’d say, “you want to see an angry phase? I’ll show you an angry phase.” Analyzing my feelings is a form of invalidation to me, and that’s what my parents did the one time I had the guts to be angry around them. It just feels patronizing. What is really nice is when someone just lets me be angry. No analyzing, judging, worry about what’s wrong with me, etc. Just let me be. If you can relate, great. If you can’t, no harm done.
I also want to say that I admire you for putting yourself out there and being willing to take the heat. It’s really scary for me to do that myself, both giving and receiving feedback.
Respectully,
Star
Thanks, witsend. Your post went right to my heart.
Kathleen — Like Stargazer said, I also want to say I admire you for putting yourself out there and being willing to take the heat. Your examples really spoke to me in different ways.
What you’ve written also feels like a sense of closure for me with this episode, almost like after a family meeting to discuss things. Misunderstandings can happen whenever giving and receiving feedback.
Best wishes to all of you who were willing to share in this post today. My sincere thanks for your generosity of spirit.
I am triggered, actually, when anyone says “I’m so proud of you” or “you’ve come so far” because for too long I was really into people pleasing, esp. N’s who demand it.”Congratulations” doesn’t trigger me. Nor does “way to go”. They don’t come from a “further along than you” or “parent” place. Nor does it sound like the P/N used to sound. He was “proud” of me. ARGGHHH!!!
I am triggered when someone says “you may not understand this now” or similar statements, because again, it comes from a place “above” me. After the P or N, I have no tolerance for that anymore.
On the other hand, I’m not triggered when someone says “Leave him. Get out now.” etc. That very open directive language seems non manipulative to me and very straightforward. It does not solicit worshipful feelings or statements, such as a P/N seeks.
Kathleen, so much of your writing I have cut and pasted into documents so I can reread the GREAT insights. But lately I’m so triggered by the style I can’t make it through the posts! Maybe it is unavoidable, by the discussion of “stages” of healing and it just isn’t an approach that will work for me, but will work for others. Probably not good for someone like me who was raised being told how she should be….or else! And now recovering from a P/N/S who did the same. Never again will I repeat THAT pattern…I sincerely hope!
It is also true that what one most rejects about oneself, one has the hardest time accepting in others. And heavens knows I’ve had others say all this to me at one time or another.
I’ve been reading and reading the the well respected “New Personality Self-Portrait” and trying to really gain a greater appreciation of how some of us need to process things and think and think and think….and others don’t. There are many paths to healing. I’m a thinker but trying not to think so much!
Hmmm. I didn’t articulate all that very well. I should have just said, I share Stargazer’s reaction.
One of my favorite jokes to tell on myself is that I don’t even like a recipe telling me what to do! LOL! And it is TRUE!!! I can’t stand to follow any recipe exactly. ROTFLMAO!