A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
JAH – damn girl,awesome direct post!
In relation to advice: I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have those friends who were not charmed by my sociopath ex-boyfriend – and who, timidly enough, advised me not to lend him money etc.
Throughout the relationship I was brainwashed and manipulated. I couldn’t think straight. When I found out, it wasn’t much better. I was in shock and vulnerable. I had been obeying “my master” for so long, without even realising it – I needed other voices to direct me through the fog he created. That’s why I value advice…realising the extent to which I was manipulated and brainwashed by a sociopath (not even a particularly bright one) was a very humbling experience. And thinking about all the lies I believed, all the signs I ignored…is just humiliating!!
What irritates me sometimes is people wondering why I stayed with him, how come I didn’t see any signs etc. They think that when a man starts seeing another woman, there are signs which are easy to spot – so if he sees 3 other women and possibly men as well, how can one be so blind not to see a thing…or I would talk about his tantrums and they’d be horrified. Or they would be among those who never liked him from the start and can’t understand what attracted me in the first place. Or they tell me how I should have reacted when I found out (burn all his stuff, beat him up or whatever – a normal cheater wouldn’t argue with that, but a sociopath would sue…) Or they’d say what people say after a normal break-up: “just forget him”. And I find that annoying. Partly because I have to explain again, again, and again, what sociopaths are and what they do, while it should be common knowledge. Partly also because somehow I agree with what they’re saying: I should have seen, I should have guessed, I shouldn’t have lent him money, etc…
Recovery: that’s fine, then. One last thing though, which I didn’t pick up when I first read your post – you were wondering if some people on this site were behaving like their sociopath exes. Please don’t direct such comments at me in the future.
Thanks for the feedback about my style. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, and I understand perfectly. I feel the same way, when the situations is reversed. And I’m sorry. 7
But I’m going to ask you to try to hear me talking about myself for a moment, and maybe understand. I’m talking about a model of healing. I went through it myself, and wondered about it how the steps were so… well, staged. One thing led to another. When I got triggered by something new, I seemed to go through the same cycle, more or less, of resolving it. Then later, as I started to talking to other people who were going through similar issues, I saw that they also followed something like the same path.
I actually think it’s built into us, a kind of emotional/intellectual sequence of response to threat or completely unexpected information. I’m reading some of the parts of Temple Grandin’s book right now about animal emotions, and that’s giving me more information. I keep working on this, to try to understand it.
So that’s a lot of what you hear from me. Me identifying things according to the model. It’s not that I’m so much farther than you. I’m still cycling triggers, although I’ve done a lot of work on underlying causes of the specific issues raised by the relationship with my ex.
My problem in talking with you is that I’m doing two things at the same time. One of them is model-related, trying to understanding everything I hear to see how it fits in, and sharing what I know about it. (And I know, that’s when I sound “above it all,” like I’m talking from the great beyond of having done everything and looking down from the top of the mountain.) The other is sharing my experiences and trying to be supportive.
If I’m talking about the model, I drift into an intellectual zone where I’m not sufficiently holding on to the fact that every stage is really felt, and it has it’s own dominating reality. My sister, who I talk to about everything, got really angry with me — not the first time — the other day when she was telling me about some new thing she was feeling, and I said, “Oh, that’s really cool. It sounds like you’re moving from X to Y.” If we’d been in the same room, rather than on the phone, I think would have smacked me.
She called me arrogant, and I felt so bad, because she felt it as condescension and I was actually really excited for her. She’s getting over some really hard stuff. And if I hadn’t been in my analytical mode, and just said something like, “You sound happy about this, and I’m glad,” she would have been validated and we would have been able to celebrate together.
I’m not sure how to fix this. It’s the nature of what I write. And how I think. And maybe I should just stick to my articles, and the discussion that follows them. The discussion after the last one was really good, and it helped me to understand more.
I’ll think about it, and see if I can become more conscious. But I can’t guarantee that I won’t do it again. I that that ultimately, it may just have to come down to “That’s how Kathy is,” and you’ll have to take what’s useful and leave the rest. I know that I’ve been through periods here when certain people irritate the hell out of me, and I’ve just had to accept that’s where they’re at.
I’m not perfect or all-knowledgable. I’m just me, doing the best I can to understand. I really do hear what you’re saying, and I am sorry that anything I said triggered those feelings.
Kathy
eileen, on your point in relation to advice: “I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have those friends who were not charmed by my sociopath ex-boyfriend ”“ and who, timidly enough, advised me not to lend him money etc. Throughout the relationship I was brainwashed and manipulated. I couldn’t think straight. When I found out, it wasn’t much better. I was in shock and vulnerable. I had been obeying “my master” for so long, without even realising it ”“ I needed other voices to direct me through the fog he created. That’s why I value advice””
I hear you loud and clear.
For me, I’ve learned that many people are not objective about other people’s lives — I’ve had friends who’ve put up with far worse than other people or spent 15 years in a bad relationship who are quick to tell someone else to “get out” after one bad experience. They may think they’re doing this from a caring place. I think it’s presumptuous.
I find such assessments off because an individual in any given situation doesn’t need to be further shamed even more or made to feel more foolish when she’s already informed me she knows she needs to get out or wants to get out and is working on it.
I believe in supporting people where they are to help them get to where they are trying to arrive. Where I set a boundary is when it’s a life-threatening situation or when a “victim” asks me to provide resources like help her pay bills to keep her lights on in the house for her and her children, while she allows her man to stay with her but not have to work.
But, of course, we are all different in our approaches — and what works for one may not work for another.
Also, regarding your comment: “One last thing though, which I didn’t pick up when I first read your post ”“ you were wondering if some people on this site were behaving like their sociopath exes. Please don’t direct such comments at me in the future.”
My exact words were: “Could some people be doing the very things they label as offensive in their exes ”“ projecting their issues onto others; judging as if they know it all, assuming they know what is best for someone else?”
I’ve done things my ex did, just not to the same degree, extreme and perhaps not the same motivations. From what I’ve read here, I think this statement applies to others as well. Last I checked, even people who’ve been affected by a toxic person can also have control issues and try to impose their will on another (such as saying we hung in a relationship thinking we could help “improve” a man, as if our motives are simply for his benefit only) or on a situation (such as trying to predict outcomes or change things beyond our control).
I definitely have both positive and negative qualities even if I try to do my best.
If you feel none of this applies to you…Ok.
Kathy:
My style of ‘reading’ and interpreting posts is variable….I read all posts when I’m on…..and take what people write from wherever I am at at the time.
I ‘get’ what you say about stages….and I too believe we are all in different points…..not a good thing…not a bad thing….just a thing…..
I think we need to be cautious of how we interpret the intent here. We are all here to heal from a involvelment with a Cluster B suspect.
If we decide to post, we are opening ourselves up for ‘comments’ , if we do not wish feedback…..write a letter to ourself and keep it private, because essentially tha’ts what we are asking…..
One of the neat experiences for me here is all the different viewpoints. Some I agree with, some I dont…..but I appreciate ALL the wisdom here.
In ‘real’ life, we don’t often have the opportunity to hear ‘real’ from people……and I see a lot of raw and real emotions here along with feedback. I love that about this blog.
I like to learn from others…..and I like the openness and availability here.
I appreciated you putting yourself out there…..whether or not you views are shared…..I like coming on and seeing KathleenHawk in red on the left side of the screen……because I know I will read wisdom, regardless of the content.
I see the imperfections in you, and I love that too……that makes you just like me….. 🙂 Even though your a much better writer and can spell like a wiz.
Kathleen, you are a suvivor…..I am no better, no more victimized and don’t have a better or worse, more harmful or less story……nor does anyone else here……we have all experienced pain from a suspected – sometimes diagnosed cluster B…..But we ARE all equal here.
I know when I write, comment etc….it’s from my heart….I am sometimes challenged to ‘present’ my words in a nice package. I mean only the best for all here when people are here sharing……I know I should keep a few of my ‘sailor’ words to myself……but this is just how I express myself…..I mean NO harm or offense……AS I KNOW YOU DON”T EITHER!
That said….I think its important for us all to be able to ‘filter’ out and ‘censor’ our own readings……if it doesn’t apply….no harm, no one is checking up on us to see if we took the ‘advice’ or whatnot. We are only going off what has been shared and then what we have retained of others journeys……as I’m sure no one could reguritate back to me my story…..play by play…..(GOd I hope not).
Point is…..we are all trying to help. If we see a post that is not helpful…..don’t read it….but know the good intent is there.
I personally enjoy all your posts…..prime example yesterday the business one……and others have commented on this also….ie….when the student is ready to learn the teacher arrives….type comments…..
I didn’t ask, never did I show up on the blog yesterday expecting that lesson….but OH, how valuable it was!
So….Kathleen……thank you for being YOU, thank you for ALL your contributions, vulnerability, your heart and accessability and know…….I sure do value seeing you here!!!!
Kathleen Hawk: Based on my professional training in counseling, I understand the reference you’re making to “a model of healing” and I’ve gone through it myself at different life cycles, the psychosocial stages of growth, where one thing led to another with regard to resolving various issues.
As you indicated, there is actually social science supporting the concept that this capacity for growth is built into us — that some tap into and others don’t for whatever reason — a kind of emotional/intellectual sequence of response to threat or completely unexpected information, and then integration of this new experience into a self with heightened awareness. Sorta like the building blocks of consciousness.
This experiential/existential awareness is part of the basis for my renewed self-trust now after much healing, and part of why I “know with humility” that I have an “upgraded” sense of awareness and boundaries after the 1.5 year relationship with my N/S ex.
eileen,
Oh man, I could have written that last paragraph of yours!!!!!
Starting with, “What irritates me sometimes…” and ending with, “…I should have seen, I should have guessed, I shouldn’t have lent him money, etc” ” and everything in between!!
Oh, I just want to scream sometimes. NO ONE gets it unless they’ve been there.
DID THEY FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM? NO.
DID THEY SLEEP WITH HIM? NO.
DID THEY BOND WITH HIM? NO.
DID THEY LIVE WITH HIM? NO.
DID THEY TELL HIM ALL OF THEIR SECRETS AND THEN HAVE THEM USED AGAINST THEM? NO.
DID THEY HAVE THEIR OWN HISTORY AND SELF-HOOD RECOGNIZED BY AN EVIL PERSON AND TWISTED BY THE SNAKE HE IS? NO.
DID THEY WALK IN MY SHOES? NO.
You know what? Someone doesn’t understand? I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT SOMETIMES. I AM NOT A STUPID PERSON. WHAT I AM HOWEVER, IS HUMAN. And you know what, I only have time for people who will at least make an effort to understand HUMANITY.
The rest can KISS MY GRITS!!!!!!
Seriously.
I got really, really angry tonight about some monumental arrogance of a family member about my situation and it felt good. I’ve spent a lifetime of swallowing my right to stand up for myself.
NO MORE.
icanseeclearlynow,
‘NO MORE. ‘
there is an echo – thank you for saying this tonight. i am tired and sick and grumpy and i have to finish a project…..and i forgot the clarion call, ‘NO MORE. ‘
🙂
one step
Kathleen I sincerely hope you don’t just decide to ‘just write the articles’. Your articles are fantastic but what I have gained from reading your stream of consciousness posts to myself and others is unmeasurable – even when the topics have nothing to do with me (like the ones on business) I absorb your way of being and pull out parts that I think I could try on in the future.
I personally like your style – yes there have been some things you have said to me that have called me forward to a better place, rather than sitting wallowing in my sorrow like a child. Those sentences were hard to read and re read, but when I pushed aside my whining, I saw they were exactly what I needed to take in on that particular day and at that very hour when toxic thoughts were circling in my head.
I often say to friends around the world – the internet is a wonderful thing but it can be a lousy medium for communication. So much of the intended message cannot be seen or felt and all we are left with is the stark words by themselves. If I were in a room with you, while you were calling me to my higher self then perhaps you would have a knowing smile and a warmth in your eyes as you pulled out from me that which I could not see. Maybe you would touch my hand or hug me if I got upset and my eyes welled up (and probably at the end of the session you would have handed me a nice fat bill lol) . But this is not possible on a screen and thousands of miles separate us. So I am left with your words and the vast majority of them are affirming, warm, hopeful and intimate – that’s something very few of my RL friends honor me with.
I think also I am very raw and sensitive – I don’t like to generalise about others, but see lots of hurt feelings on the board so maybe others might feel the same as me. For myself when I practiced an emotion I had bottled for yrs it came out too forcefully – anger that should have been expressed gradually came out as rage = intolerant and fizzing with poison. Sorrow came out as the deepest and emptiest pain – and I had the feeling that nobody in the world could ever have felt it as bad as me.
In placing boundaries I am the same – I place them too stringently at the moment because I am literally just learning and of course still deeply hurt by my experience. So in my placing of boundaries to suit myself – I try to control others. It’s too far in this direction for me. I am just watching what I do and trying to be as compassionate as I would be if watching a child learn to walk. I will fall down, I will hurt myself, I will make mistakes … but I believe I will get there in the end and it will be wonderful.
Several of you have mentioned becoming aggrieved about people saying ‘dumb’ things in the wake of the sociopath – why didn’t you leave earlier? And of course the classic ‘Well it’s over now – just get over it”. I could be very wrong, but I think this reaction from people (with me anyway) is making me quite defensive about my pain. And I then go and turn that defensiveness and over sensitivity to many situations and people.
I liken it to when a child falls over and skins their knee – some people advocate saying ‘Up you hop! You’re ok!’ the idea behind this approach is to not give the child extra attention to wallow in and make the skinned knee more than it might otherwise be.
I disagree on the whole with this approach. My experience has been that if you respond this way, the child’s crying and hurt magnifies and gets louder till you acknowledge their pain. My approach in those situations is to say “Ooooh! I bet that hurts! That looks really sore and you are being so brave – how about I give you a big cuddle and then we’ll go get some ice and a special plaster? I remember falling over lots when I was your age and it was so sore!” I have found that as soon as they are acknowledged, the tears and upset die down.
The point?
Maybe we’re the same. Maybe we need that acknowledgement of the pain and humiliation just as if we had fallen in front of a playground full of children and grownups. Maybe we need huge cuddles and wiping of our tears and stroking our hair. I know I definitely do from time to time – I wish I were smaller so I could be rocked in someone’s lap and hear their heartbeat directly in my ear.
BUT
I also need a friend to show me the path – to show me that there is indeed a path when the going is rough and I can’t see it for crying and blurring my vision. I need someone to tell me
“You’re right by the tree right now – if you just step a little to your left and follow that track then you’ll come to a stream just like I did. And it’s ok to lie down at the stream – it’s perfectly safe. But don’t lie down forever – it gets dark quite soon and you need to keep moving. After the stream you’ll need to take a right hand turn at the willow tree – when I walked that path, it felt like it went on forever but it does come to an end.”
IN short – I need a friend who understands, kicks my ass on occasion and gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and Kathleen you have been a major person doing those things for me through your writing. I have travelled a far greater distance by following your footsteps than I would have managed on my own. So please keep posting. Those who don’t want advice … well that’s cool. I do want advice though – for the longest time I have been muddling through this getting tangled in my own dark thoughts and unable to see the road for the trees. I appreciate knowing someone else has walked this path and knows that despite the darkness and danger, there is light ahead. That gives me hope of better days ahead.
I too have a tendency to give advice and I humbly apologise if I have offended anyone. It’s not my intention to control or give help where it isn’t wanted – I just feel in my heart that each person who posts here has been through so much pain that I want to do something in some small way to make them feel a little better – to let them know that even though we’re all spread all over the world, I care about them, their life, their feelings. This place means a lot to me – and it’s because of the people that are here. I don’t know how I would have coped with this journey alone – you’re all wonderful companions to travel with.
(fighting the urge to cry right now – yes you all mean THAT much! It’s a damn good kind of crying though – not the despairing crying of before. This is the crying that comes from a heart full of gratitude at the wonder of humanity – that all of you can care so much and give so much after being so wounded:)