A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Thank you, Erin. I can second that entire post. And as for the generous feelings you have toward anyone who exposes themselves here, I feel the same way. We’re all doing the best we can, and the amount of support and potential for learning here is just amazing. I’m so grateful LoveFraud exists.
Kathy
One Step = you outlined nicely how I feel at the glib remarks from others ‘just let it go’ ‘get on with your own life’ ‘why are you so stuck on this’ ‘why can’t you just let it go’ ‘it’s over now so why are you dwelling on it?’
They don’t understand and they never will understand if they haven’t walked several thousand kilometres in my extremely uncomfortable and unstylish shoes. I think they’re like ten inch stilettos with toes that pinch at the front – the type of shoes with which you could kick a snail’s eyes out 😛
It is so frustrating though. They don’t seem to understand that ‘getting on’ with life is more complex after these relationships than anything else on earth. We have first to find the self that was buried and presumed lost. We have then to bolster up that self and encourage it to action in the future despite the fact it has been mortally wounded. We have then to hide the oozing wounds from everyone else and pretend we are fine while they go on with their normal lives, never having experienced the devastation we have been through.
Watching the one who inflicted the wounds laughing and playing as though there was no hurt, no nastiness, no fighting and no stabbing is perhaps the most difficult aspect of all this. Were the wounds visible physically these people would be locked up for life with no parole. Instead they get to taunt us and make fun of our pain and difficulty in living. It’s a horror alright.
Does seem like we’re into another area of discussion now.
Kathleen and ErinBrock make good points about taking what is useful and leaving the rest.
I can handle that kind of feedback, which is often educational and general enough to be applicable to many.
What I cannot handle is when people (I’m sure unknowingly) misrepresent my situation or the facts of my life. If someone makes a statement not based on the reality of another person’s experience, feedback is likely to be distorted and not very helpful.
Of course, none of us is likely to recall another’s story in full detail, even based on what is shared over time in different posts.
But let’s say, for example, that my ex cheated (which I don’t know for sure whether he did or not) or was physically abusive (some N/S are and some are not). Because of the generic N/S checklist, do I have a right to say to someone else, “Oh yes, I’m sure your ex cheated.”
No, I don’t. I can only know your story based on what you say, so I should not assume anything using the checklist of sociopathic traits.
I doubt if anyone wants to feel their actual personal experience and specific facts about their life have been altered (albeit innocently) because another person made assumptions or only skimmed the content of someone’s comments. It would take too much back-and-forth responding to set the record straight.
hi polly – ahh, you have confused me with the lovely icanseeclerlynow in the first part of your above post. i consider it a compliment.
Oh sorry One Step – I saw the No more and thought you had written the first one too! I think those points are fantastic though – don’t you? Maybe we should ask people those questions when they make those glib remarks …
“I;m sorry but I seem to be missing something here – was it YOU who slept with him? Supported his hopes and dreams? Got f***ed in the head by his games? Was blindsided by his lies? NO? Well STFU then!”
😛
Hope I am brave enough to say that one day some place other than here lol
Polly:
What a beautiful post!
The below quote from your post reminded me of a time i was flying with my best support GF.
“I also need a friend to show me the path ”“ to show me that there is indeed a path when the going is rough and I can’t see it for crying and blurring my vision. I need someone to tell me
“You’re right by the tree right now ”“ if you just step a little to your left and follow that track then you’ll come to a stream just like I did. And it’s ok to lie down at the stream ”“ it’s perfectly safe. But don’t lie down forever ”“ it gets dark quite soon and you need to keep moving. After the stream you’ll need to take a right hand turn at the willow tree ”“ when I walked that path, it felt like it went on forever but it does come to an end.”
We had just taken off as the tower tried to abort her take off….we were in mid runway and heading off……
She had a hellova time gaining altitude……and the wind shears were fearce. We would go up 200 ft and drop 250…..we circled and circled and had to get out of the way of incoming commercial airliners…..(UH yeah)……we circled to the next small town airport, continuing the up/down deal……well, i’m not a pilot and I probably shouldn’t have even been flying with my med. condition at the time…..BUT….I was! She was sweating profusely and asking for water, I fed her water, she had me change the ‘dial’ on the controls and I did whatever she asked….as if I knew no different. She was very nervous and I had no idea the seveerity of the situation……and even if I did….what the hell could I do about it…….then she say’s ERIN…..KEEP AN EYE ON THOSE MOUNTAINS AND LET ME KNOW IF THEY GET TOO CLOSE! I’m thinking uh, yeah…..I guess I would speak up if I thought they were too close…..but okay..
We finaly made it up and on to our destination for fun……
When we landed she said…….OMG…..you have NO IDEA how much danger we were in…….you were a trooper.
This was several years ago…..and we have had quite the laughs over it…..I was not afraid to die and I knew I wasn’t in any sort of control…..although I knew how to use the radio…..
But that statement has become the ‘crux’ of our friendship…..
We have made a pact to let each other know…..”IF THAT MOUNTAIN GET”S TOO CLOSE”.
Whatever that mountain stands for……..
My feeling as I told her upon landing was……Well No duh…..I’d definately speak up and well before we were trimming the tree tops!
She said…..thats the kind of friend you are……..good, bad or indifferent you will alert me of ‘THAT MOUNTAIN’,
Even if I get upset with you at the time.
I think we all need someone to kick us in the ass sometimes…..it may even kick us into the next stage of the process….through others enlightenment.
Thank you for sharing your caring thoughts!!!
Good point Recovering – back and forth is really hard in clarifying comments between us when we are communicating electronically. I have had the situation you outline with the ex cheating. I don’t have evidence that he did cheat, but several people told me based on what they have experienced it is POSSIBLE and in fact PROBABLE that he did. I was at first freaked out by this because I hadn’t considered it at all before, but now think those posters did me a favor by pointing out a very common spath characteristic.
Have you had people assuming things about you? I decided not to respond to your question about whether it was possible to have some kind of different relationship with the ex after splitting (at least I remember it was you who posted that – hope I am not mistaken!). I thought about writing – ‘be careful – sounds like you might be thinking about going back!’ but then thought against it – you’re right – none of us know the particulars of each other’s experience and every situation is different. Perhaps for some people a relationship in a different context might be possible after both have done some healing and the target has put in place good boundaries.
Oh – I am feeling very aware of stepping on toes today … not your’s in particular but lots of people seem to be sensitive today – myself included 🙁 I hope your day is going better than mine Recovering
Erin – that’s nice – someone to let you know if ‘you’re getting too close to the mountain’ – I like that! How many self serving friends do we all have in our lives who don’t really tell us the truth? Who don’t want to journey with us to the painful and scary parts of our lives and ourselves? I would rather have friends who are honest with me – even when I am being a spoiled brat with a sense of entitlement – you know – tell me to reign in the inner bitch and start practising some compassion and tolerance.
I am so impressed with the people who post here. In every case they are intelligent, wise (there is a huge difference between the two!), compassionate, powerful, articulate, feeling and caring people – what a gift to find a group of folks like this after the disillusionment left by the P! I can hardly believe my luck – it is restoring my faith that the world is a good place and there are plenty of good people in it. You’re one of them Erin 🙂 Hope you and Ruby Tuesday are doing well!
Recovering:
This is where we need to have a ‘forgiving’ sense when we read and it’s quite obvious to us when our stories have been befuffled by another poster.
It’s the generic ideal of a blog. We feel like we know people, but we only have the LF connection.
None of our lives are/were duplicates…..
And we don’t have to take everything as litteral. Weed out what doesn’t apply.
I know I have had people offer advice that didn’t apply, someone thought the s was a boyfriend for a brief time…..
No worries…..and no harm done….
I too have NO evidence the s cheated….but I will tell ya…..what I know now, from putting the puzzle of my life together 28 years…….I have NO Doubt he did…..everything he said or did was a ‘cheat’.
But, I can’t speak of any instances and this is my feelings…..I also became aware he was doing men…..I NEVER knew of this during our relationship…..but now….looking back…..I have no doubt.
I think it’s agreed…..very few are diagnosed…..so in technical reality we are dealing with toxics…..unless diagnosed. But also that if we come here and can identify whatever ‘listed’ behaviors are labeled……they don’t have to be ALL of them……
Whether it’s a boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, child, parent, sibling, neighbor, bus. associate, boss……..and the list goes on!
In the end…..it’s been harmful behaviors, outside of the ‘norm’, we have been hurt, pained, abused, children harmed, some have been outright destroyed…….and we come here for comfort and support.
This is what LF is all about.
Kathleen,
I read your post about the different stages and I understand what you’re saying. But I still found myself wondering if you took me seriously and took what I said to heart, or if it was just filed away under “oh she’s in her angry phase”.