A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
style1 – what you wrote about all of the things you did for him is all too familiar. It was the same for me. The things I did for that parasite…it makes me furious!!!!! I was working full time. He was working part time and even with that..only off and on and went through 3 jobs in a year with a months between 2 of them doing NOTHING but claiming to be depressed, which he wasn’t by the way, he is just f**king LAZY.
I drove him everywhere including his many trips to dealers (Gawd I’m in idiot) his late night job to and from – when I started work early in the morning.
He never paid for gas or offered once or thanked me and from someone who never drove, never shut his pie hole while I was driving and told me how to drive!!!!
I packed and moved him, not once but TWICE.
I cleaned HIS place (even admitting this I feel like the world’s biggest shmuck)
I cooked for him for which he never thanked me and complained. When I called him on that he denied that he complained.
I am a GOOD COOK by the way!! *ahem* What an ASSHOLE.
I made him an excellent CV so he could get a job. I spent hours on that. THIS one REALLY, REALLY pisses me off. To think he is benefiting from the glowing CV I wrote for him.
I bought him a new wardrobe of clothes. I bought him expensive shaving supplies. I bought him top of the line speakers…I could go on and on….pfffft it’s money. It’s the TAKING and never once giving that pisses me off.
I’m already getting sick of this list. I could continue for hours probably and I’ve already wasted enough of my life on him. What did I get for my birthday last year? SQUAT. I got an excuse and a feigning of illness and then he got ANGRY at me on the phone!!! On my birthday – while my daughter watched me cry my eyes out wondering what the hell I was doing with him. Then I got promises of this present or that present which strangely never materialized…kind of like him.
icanseeclearlynow: – wow, that’s a lot. want to date?
…….and i got a WHOLE lot of the never materialized thing. word gifts. no substance.
okay, gotta go back to resume writing. 😉
🙂 LOL one_step yeah that was a lot and that’s only a fraction of it. The well is dry. Gee I wonder why?
Good luck with the resume writing!
I ask Lovefraud, when is fraud an actual crime to be prosecuted?
I have been suspicious my ex S has been stripping the security on a one time legitimate drug screen PDF file, altering the dates and perhaps results, and then re-securing it and submitting it to me, with falsified email headers as if he’s been being drug tested, per the custody order, for the PAST 14 MONTHS!!!! I became certain when he became defensive and refused to comply when I asked for invoices substantiating the past 14 tests. He also refused documentation that he is and has been, in fact, in therapy; another requirement of the order.
Ok, so I know this is a family law issue and my attorney is all over it like flies on the proverbial poo. However, what shocks me is when I reported it to the testing company, while they all but directly substantiated my claims (confidentiality limiting, of course), are not themselves addressing the problem as being theirs, as well. The fact that he’s used their doctor’s signature and company name in a falsified record to produce court ordered results, appears to be of little direct concern. They did move swiftly and answer rather quickly and couldn’t have been more clear the files were falsified without outwardly stating such and suggested my attorney have them subpoenaed.
And, while my attorney thinks we have a strong case to petition for contempt of the order and modification of the order in regards to visitation as a result, he highly doubts my ex S will actually be charged with contempt!!!! Perhaps family law isn’t the arena for criminal charges? Am I mistaken or isn’t such tampering and false representation, as well as document falsification, a crime?!?!?
Most importantly, I think this event, as well as other issues with his visitation, may allow me to protect my son a bit further from his father. Most disheartening is that a man who not only is capable of committing such crimes AND does will basically get away with it, AGAIN. AND, he works in information technology which means he’s able to make a living working with countless numbers of peoples’ data, records and information even after he proves himself, AGAIN, someone who does not respect such things in any moral or ethical way!
Duped
P.S. – “AGAIN” references the time he used a keylogger on my computer to obtain my log on credentials to my personal banking accounts to transfer substantial funds to his. They arrested him…but then didn’t prosecute as long as he paid the money back!
He paid me back for things and he did work and he did buy things.. but he couldn’t have gotten through what he did without my support.. now he thanked me.. he played the game well.. and I don’t regret helping his mom.. in that she was a lovely woman and she needed some kindness..
But towards the end when I was getting fed up with his dreams and promises … and he said what he needed was a supportive woman .. it was like some joke…
My friends were saying right off.. why are you doing all this?
And WHY was I …
Because he was so charming.. and told me that I was his soulmate.. blah blah blah.. and I am kind and I got caught up in the spin..
It was one problem after another.. one issue with a child after another..
He needs mother Teresa. but I don’t think he would think that she was high style enough for him…LOL
and he was ready to ust give all his things away… like he was some weathly man that could just go replace it all..
But gee.. I forgot.. I had a fully furnished house so … what care did he have..
I am too cautious with money and belongings to just throw perfectly good stuff away….
but gee.. he was this King of The world
and me.. just an unsupportive woman….
Style1, Regarding being nice, kind and supportive to your spaths aged Mum, you can definitely feel proud of yourself for this . Kind,altruistic acts like this are NEVER wasted. God sees them all and will reward you in ways you cant even imagine! I know this because its happened to me! You helped to make her last days fun,less painful,less lonely,more colourful, you took her mind off her suffering. You should be very proud of yourself for this. Never mind the spath,-he wouldnt even know or care what you were doing for his Mum.But God saw it all. Love, Gem.XX
Yep I can relate to so many of these posts.
Mine too Style gave things away like we were rich. He worked fulltime but contributed very little to the house – was always secretive about money he had and always pleading poverty – he spent his money on food, coffees, alcohol at bars, computer games and technology and heaven only knows what else. I even made his lunches for him to try to save some money. We never had any savings. My whole salary was taken up in paying all the bills and all the living expenses so if an extra bill came up or one of his disasters there was no backstop fund to pay it. Unbelievable stress. I too can’t believe the things I did for him.
I also bought him a whole wardrobe several times – he would just wear his clothes till they wore through – shoes as well. He never bought an item himself – not once. He should have had some shame about that but he grudgingly accepted everything – made me feel bad for buying things so he would be presentable – I didn’t want to be seen with a bum. Just like the cooking and the housework ‘I don’t expect you to cook for me / clean the house / buy me clothes’ and then he wouldn’t do it.
If I complained about doing all the housework alone he would say ‘Well leave it and I’ll do it tomorrow’ and of course tomorrow never came. I recall waiting four weeks for sheets to be changed and five weeks waiting for the floor to be mopped. God help you if you reminded him about it – then you were a nag. It’s a wonder I stayed sane in that hell with him. What a pig.
How did we get so fooled with the words that didn’t measure up in actions? I feel like the world’s biggest idiot. I said again and again – your words and actions don’t measure up but then he would start the verbal spin of course and I could never bring up anything from the past – we could only discuss this particular incident – and then he wouldn’t even discuss this. He would raise his voice to accuse me of shouting at him and abusing HIM. Oh the irony!
Thank God he is gone from the house. I hate him. I hope he suffers horribly in his life and gets a taste of his own medicine one day but undfortunately karma doesn’t seem to exist and it’s bloody hard to console myself with ‘well he’s the one coming off worst when he has no emotions’ No he isn’t – he can wangle his way out of anything – no remorse, no regret and no consequences to him the B.
Thanks Gemini… I appreciate that.. I have no regrets there..
but my friends would comment .. why are you doing all this for the man’s mom? You just met him… and they were correct..
but the audacity for him later to say that he needed a supportive woman is like insane…