A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
One….It’s appearing on this thread, time/date…above Stars posting…….
pollyannanomore — Appreciate the understanding from you. You asked if people have assumed things about me. I posted a question that was straight-forward the other day, and I got bombared with a lot of things from left-field that seemed to include many assumptions — as if I didn’t know my own self or my own intentions and plans.
It would have been fine for you to tell me to be careful.
Regarding my ex, we’re not in a personal relationship. I do owe him money loaned to me during the 1.5 year relationship. It’s been over for many months and I talk to him periodically, just as I talk pretty regularly to my other ex, with whom I am co-parenting a son — we work well together now that the dust has settled, and my son’s father could have been narcissist too (now in hindsight, but I don’t know for sure).
What I do know how to do is separate business and personal stuff. And my exes aren’t the only men available if/when I want to date again. I have options now that I am allowing to unfold slowly. Celibacy works for me now, and it has before.
But my main point is, when I know enough of what I’m dealing with in any person, I don’t imagine they are going to be something other than what they’ve shown me, both the good and the bad. And I know I don’t have the power to change my exes, and the issues in those relationships brought things to an end.
So, for me, since I already owe money to my recent ex and he offered to lend more for a new phase of business development, I am considering him as a potential investor with some equity just like I’m considering several other people (and there is no way I can know the complete character of all of them). Some are even people I previously knew in high school and have had contacts with in recent years. Doesn’t mean I’m getting back into a personal relationship with them.
I feel my healing at this point in life has allowed me to accept what is. And, there is no resentment on my part because I recognize the role I played (and my family-of-origin stuff that overlapped) in the previous relationship, after having gone through phases of anger and blame toward him.
Yes, I’m aware there are potential risks — it’s also a risk to be an entrepeneur. But I also trust myself and my own boundaries enough.
My business has been structured in a very non-traditional way that does not fit the typical model. Based on what I know about my recent ex, he’s not likely to be interested in taking over the business, just getting his payments based on investment. He is more interested in controlling a woman on a personal level — he doesn’t bother with business details, believe me I know. And even if he did attempt to manipulate, everything will be in writing. I plan to maintain majority ownership regardless of how many investors.
There are more aspects, but not necessary to go into detail.
So yes, you’re right ”“ none of us know the particulars of each other’s experience and every situation is different.
Stargazer,
Both.
Kathy
EB – crap, no one has responded to MYBOYSMATTERSMOST.
MYBOYSMATTERSMOST,
Have you contacted Donna about lawyers in your area who ‘get it’?
Keep strong. There are many women here who have gone through court with thie spaths – there is much wisdom – please reach out for help.
Recovering – you already have experience of owing this man money and our best indicator of future behaviour is previous behaviour – you sound like you know what you’re doing here and you sound like an astute person who knows about business. I on the other hand only know about being an employee – so who would I be to give you advice on this situation>? My only concern would be to protect yourself – and that’s not related to the business situation, but rather to the hurt we all have suffered at the hands of disordered people. I know the people who posted to you in relation to the business situation would have had the best intentions towards you at heart but can see how it would have been pretty overwhelming for anyone to get that volume of advice.
Like you I am remaining celibate for now – it’s the safest and simplest choice for me. I know I am not ready to be in a big relationship and have no wish to muck someone else around or toy with other people’s feelings. I am enjoying having men as friends and doing this is starting to heal my view of men. Yes I know not all men are like my ex but the whole experience made me very wary – friendship feels safe and good and I will jus trust my feelings as I go along. It is so good to see you write that you know you have lots of options – we certainly do – I think back to when I was with the ex and he said some very nasty things to me that I believed
“You will never be happy no matter what or who you get” (Um actually I am quite happy alone right now if a little lonely!)
“It’s a crowded market – the over thirties with their clocks all ticking”
(Um true but remember there are just as many single males around when relationships and marriages split up)
“You will be alone forever – who could love you?”
(don’t believe this – but I didn’t love MYSELF so it’s true that till that started happening nobody could have loved me)
I don’t know about you Recovering but I feel so much more free now – there are options and choices all around and my problem now is deciding which one to follow and pursue! I hope to be like you one day and confident in business – that would be a great achievement for me – it’s doubly something to be proud of when it’s a woman doing it for herself.
Go YOU!!!!
Excuse me if I am off topic. I have never stopped thinking about him,the thoughts just play over and over in my mind. Sometimes I don’t blame him for finding someone else. I remember how he was that mirror of my life, the good and the not so good. I feel so damaged and used up now. I have no doubt he exploited me. No doubts that he did not or could not love me. But he did not love me for so long, for many many months he was that mirror that reflected back the ugly truth. The harder I looked in that mirror the uglier the reflecton became. I wanted him to be real, not my refection or shadow. I was his only option at the time, and that hurts so fuckin bad, to be an option, to be used. But (I) was his only option, it was me or the streets. And I worked so hard at making something real out of such a big ugly lie.
He left me with good memorys, things I miss, the companionship, the comradere. The truth has devoured my self worth.. I dont want him back, I just want back what he took from me..I can’t explain what it was, but it’s gone and I dont want him to have that part of me, he is still using it to survive..the good in him that he reflected back in that mirror was me and he took it with him. He gained so much from me, and I dont mean materially or financially…I was such a fool..I let everyone think I am fine and over it but I am not. I learned the lesson but at such a high price..
ErinBrock: No problem. You did indicate your understanding of need for correction on a few relatively minor details from my original post.
Everything you say about your life, I have to take at face value, unless you make suggestions otherwise.
I think I communicate pretty well. Nowhere in my posts did I say I was struggling with whether to reconcile with my ex. Yet that seemed to be the focus when I was simply mentioning consideration of the ex investing more money in my business.
And, let me be the devil’s advocate here for a moment — let’s say I was reconsidering the relationship. I really would make that decision on my own, not seek a committee vote.
LF serves as an educational forum and supportive place for growth. People here do not — and cannot — possibly know me as well as I know myself. I would likely consult friends in real life for that kind of advice, if I needed it.
I’ve learned enough from my life experience and read enough here to understand that choices have natural and “unnaural” consequences.
No problem with forgiving. But how do people come to the conclusion that someone is not respecting themselves or not demonstrating boundaries because they are in their own place of contemplation about an ex investing money in their business? That is the question…
Hens: No one is ever off topic. Your honesty is respected by me. I hope you can be gentler with yourself, knowing you did the best you could at the time, with the information you had.
pollyannanomore: thank you again for your support. I appreciate the various posts you have added here today, and hope you are proud of yourself for the growth you are experiencing. I don’t know about you, but for me celibacy, I’m finding, can be healing in itself.