A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Hens: i went for a walk to day and started to list what she took, what I gave and what she can’t have of me any fucking more.
i gave in love, she stole in deception. what i gave is NOT what she took. i REFUSE to operate from the belief that they are one in the same.
‘The harder I looked in that mirror the uglier the reflecton became. I wanted him to be real, not my refection or shadow.’
THIS is some powerful stuff – HE wasn’t your reflection, he USED it.
So, how do you get yourself back? What are all the qualities of what you feel missing? You’ve got to fight back against this belief that he lives on what you fed him, and you can’t get it back. You darned well can.
best,
one step
okay, to bed with me. good night everyone.
Alot of good things said here tonight. I think it is very important for all of us to remember that because we have finally found a group of people that “get it”(some of us haven’t found that in our RL) sometimes we might cross a line w/o meaning to. We just feel that common bond with each other and maybe speak too frankly what we are thinking.
On a personal level I am a big thinker. And not so good with words and often the words to express what I am thinking, fail me. Some here on LF are so articulate and I am often in awe of how the words flow and their thoughts are expressed so eloquently. But I truly believe that everyone here (except the occasional trolls) has a sincere heart and is only trying to be suppotive and share what has worked for them.
The written word even when well expressed does not come with the sincerity of the person delivering the words, the same as if the words were spoken face to face…
I think Pollyannanomore pointed that out already but I think it important enough to say again.
Sometimes I read several post at once and then respond to only one. Although I might have read the post carefully after reading a few more I might have overlooked an important little piece of information in the post.
We can easily be triggered, because we all have triggers. It just comes with the territory that we are all trying to explore.
Healing &. Recovery. All, at our own pace.
Our journey, long, and not without its relapses, is better because LF does exist. We have a place to come. And it is a better place because of the different opinions expressed.
The support here is exactly what we need. And as they say in 12 step groups. “Keep coming back.”
Hens:
It’s the 2 steps forward one step back process.
I can bet…what you gave to him, he isn’t possesing now…..so reach out into the universe and ‘take it back’!
Keep walking down that right road……and don’t be too hard on yourself!
XXOO
Witsend – good point there – it does feel like we all have this incredible bond as fellow survivors – I guess it is really easy to cross the line and make assumptions about others – really good point … and very articulately made 😀 I will think further on this – very very good point. The friendships here feel very natural even though in reality we don;t know that much about each other beyond our spath experiences. You are so right.
I also can miss things – I read greedily here – wanting to see who has made what breakthrough in their thinking – trying to salve my soul with their words – really easy to miss details – I will try to be more vigilant in future.
Now I think I might know who Moon Tea is??? The 12 steps gave me the clue!
Recovering – you are spot on – celibacy is healing in itself. I have a whole new appreciation and respect for sexuality and relationships now and myself 🙂 I don;t think I would have got that by jumping into another relationship,
One step = night night – have great dreams!
Henry – I understand what you mean … not wanting him back but rather what he stole from you. Your way of writing sometimes is so wistful it makes me want to cry. Do you write poetry? Because if y ou don;t – maybe something to think about. You have an incredible way of expressing yourself and the pain. Sorry you are feeling yuck
Hens….I’m rushing to sign off for the night, but the obsessive thoughts, yes, I know! I know too the feeling of everyone thinking I’m over it. In most ways I am, but …………. And, Yes, a VERY HIGH price. I hear you.
hens,
I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain. I think that is the worst thing an s/p does to us. When we reflect back on what our relationship was with them there was no reciprocation. No mutuality. No give and take. No balance whatsoever.
And yet the “big ugly lie” as you put it, once gone, feels like a big empty void. It is amazing to me that the void, that BIG empty space that we feel, does FEEL, so empty when they are gone….Because even when they were in our lives they did nothing to fill it. But I think that we were so preoccupied when they were in our lives trying to make them happy, trying to fill their voids, and in general bending over backwords, to make the relationship work….That we didn’t notice our own empty “space” until after their departure. And we feel depleted. Drained.
Hens I am not anywhere near filling the space. But I am lead to believe that no one else can fill it for me either. It is all about feeling that self worth again. Learning to love ourselves. Being our own best friend. Taking back what rightfully belongs to us. The ability to find a true happiness within ourselves.
It is hard to put all the pieces back together again. To feel complete. To understand that we likely had these empty spaces/voids to begin with. It sucks.
Your feeling this way makes me want to cry, because you are such a great guy. You have so much to offer. If only we could see ourselves through the lenses that others see us with. Maybe we would feel better about ourselves?
I knew if I came here and expressed my feelings I would feel better. All of you thanks. ONESTEP your comment ‘he wasn’t your reflection , he used it, yes thats right, he did. POLLY I wrote a few poems when I was in grade school. They were depressing. I am such an old soul, always sad and missing something on the inside, but try to be there for everyone on the outside. My life would of been different if I had had different parents, a different childhood. I try to make the best of who I am. There are alot of gay folks that feel good about themselves and dont have issues with their sexuality, I am not one of those folks. I was a dissapointment and embarrassment to my family, still am I guess. Funny how I spent most of my life trying to gain the approval of my parents when in truth they were not worthy of it. Oh I am in one of those moods tonite – so sorry…
pollyannanomore,
yes I think that Moon Tea is someone that used to post regularly and often make referances to AA principles, as I find myself doing as well. I miss her, and a few others that no longer post very often. I hope that it means that they are doing well.
Oh Witty – You do understand dont you…and yes, we can only look to ourselves for happiness and contentment. But why does if have to be such a daily struggle? You said you were a deep thinker, I am also, and sometimes I think that is a disability. But your words have lifted me up tonite. Its comforting to be understood or at least my thoughts and feelings are valued here.