A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Renewedhope
We as victims have to stay angry at these parasites. For Instance, Every time I get a weak moment and think about a good thing Queenie did for me as a lover or as a friend I have to remind myself of the damage she did to my heart in breaking it three times, and the fact that she did so with no remorse! In the mind of a sociopath:”It’s all about ME” and “what you can do for ME!” This may even include verbal abuse when they get bored and want stimulation in their relationship. Every time I think about her infidelity she did I hate her all over. Since I am in the early stages of getting and keeping her out of my life I need that hate right now. It keeps things in perspective for me. Things are getting easier for me and not only am I closing that door..I have begun sealing it with “caulking” and “tape” and “glue” so that it can’t be opened again! 😉
witsend
hens,
I believe that it is that uncanny ability an S/P has to create that illusion to be exactly what we want them to be. Initially in the begining they are the love of our life. There is that INTENSITY that exist in the relationship. And our feelings are ALSO so intense because we have fallen for what we believe to be our “dream”, what we always wanted. Soul mates, whatever you choose to call it. It really is a SEDUCTION. We are seduced and groomed and pulled into this illusion on all levels.
Maybe our feelings (ironically) ARE so intense to make up for the lack of any “real” feelings on their end. But it doesn’t really matter why they are so intense. They just are.
It really is more of an addictive thing, after awile, more than anything else.
And he did “live” that dream with you, and you DID fall in love with that dream, that illusion he created. And it was REAL for you. Very real. Because you were REAL, your feelings were real, your interactions with him were REAL. Everything at your end of the relationship was real.
He was the deception. I guess bottom line is that we fall in love with deception rather than an honest to God “human being”.
And by the end of the relationship, we want BACK what never really existed. That illusion. The soul mate. What we fell in love with but it never was….
And also by the end of the relationship, they have brought out the “worst” in us as well. We might do things that we are ashamed of. After they have sucked us dry of all the “good” in us, we see a side of ourselves that we would rather not see.
You are NOT a selfish person. Quite the opposite. An S/P wouldn’t have any use for a selfish significant other.
It was your good heart that he saw and went after, and tried to steal from you.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Star: is it cool if i respond to your processing post?
Stargazer
one-step. LOL yeah, I am not biting people’s heads off today. In fact I went back and read some of Kathy’s advice posts and I’m mulling the advice over today. Please feel free to respond and you don’t need to ask.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
star – k 😉
very strong impression from your post that you have a car full of kids inside you who want attention. and they are messy inconvenient creatures!
i have a young one – and fortunately i got to meet her mirror in the real world this summer – a 3 year old. MAN, i liked hanging out with that kid! We’d do all kinds of non adult yelling and running about.
i hear a tension between lettin’ the kids out and being disgruntled about the whole damn thing – it’s a bother and too much work. that’s how lots of adults responded to kids when i was young, so maybe that’s someone else’s edict, and not really yours.
maybe you could just go stand by the car and get a bit curious about it.
i have a whole bunch of stuff coming up like this too. i have to go right now – but look forward to being able to ‘get into it with you!’ 😉
one step
one/joy_step_at_a_time
ouuu, cool edit feature Donna!
Stargazer
Hens, first of all here’s a hug for you :HUG: It’s profoundly sad that your family was so disappointed in such a sweet man. Personally, even though I may get mad at you sometimes, I’ve never seen anything that would make me feel disappointed. This is a very sad commentary on how really closed they must have been.
I don’t see the longing feelings you have for your ex as a setback. I see it as deeper feelings breaking through. You really beat yourself up and feel bad that you let him treat you like that for so long. But from my perspective, that anger is misplaced. It should go onto all the ones who disappointed YOU and let YOU down, not on yourself. You did nothing wrong but try to love someone who turned that love into something ugly and hurtful.
witsend
Star,
I think you accurately nailed your fear in your first paragraph.
Being on this healing journey brings up alot of fears I think.
Because as unhappy and lonely as we might be in our present circumstance of isolating ourselves, or that feeling that even when we are in a room full of people we are alone….At least this is familiar to us.
I personally cling to “familiar” sometimes rather than wanting to explore the unknown. And wanting to get more out of this recovery process always means opening up that can of worms. And once it is open…..I can’t close it again.
Sometimes I want to close it again. This process is so difficult. I just want to shut it down. And take an easier softer path. But I don’t think there is one.
Stargazer
one step,
That’s exactly what my therapist said. 🙂 In the beginning of the dream, the kids climbed into the car and took over the controls. We started driving down a hill where the cars were coming in the other direction. So I told one of them to step on the break, and I turned the wheel to pull over. I yelled at them all to get out, whereby they went back to the house (and were still there when I got back).
So yes, astute observation. I am afraid if I let the “kids” take over, I will be out of control. But the kids are also good for me.
It’s very interesting. I feel sort of like Cybil integrating all these different aged personalities. And I am still the adult.
Stargazer
That’s exactly right, witsend. But the good news is that there are some good things to be gained by taking risks. There are pleasant parts to meeting new people and having friends. Unfortunately, I may have alienated this new one. I called her last night and again this morning, and she has not called me back. I’m really upset with myself about this. How hard could it have been to just show up after the service to say hi to her? She has trust issues too.