A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Star,
There is probably more good things than bad that can be gained by taking risk and meeting new people that have the possible potential to become new friends.
Maybe she does have trust issues to, like you said, and maybe this was a big deal for her as well. (out of her comfort zone, maybe?)
But all you can do is the “next right thing” and it seems like you have done that by calling her. That’s all any of us can do if we think we made a mistake.
Thanks, witsend.
It’s not like me to care so much about someone I just met, or for anyone at all besides my animals, for that matter. I know I’m now reminding her of a former friend who let her down. I hope she will give me another chance. It’s usually me who is the one to feel let down. I usually don’t do the letting down.
At the time when I made the decision not to go, I really was pretty indifferent as to whether I saw her or not (that is my usual). But about an hour later, it hit me, and I felt really bad. I haven’t had a really good trusted female friend in many years, and I think she could have become one over time. I really liked her a lot. (I don’t like most people). And she has been through years of therapy so she’s pretty processed. But I thought to myself, Oh well, my friendships never last anyway. It’s just a matter of time before she would leave. Stupid negative thinking. Way to sabotage a relationship.
Hello all–
Dark and light, charming and exploitive, Jekyll and Hyde. . .
When I musterd up the courage to tell my husband (N) I wanted to separate, I kept repeating in my head, “the enemy, the enemy, the enemy” from the movie with Julia Roberts Sleeping with the Enemy. He wasn’t that guy, of course, but the manipulative, circular, intimidating, crazymaking talk was what I feared could convince me to change my mind.
This was almost 2 yrs ago. I tried therapy. Read a gazillion books about sociopaths and narcissists. Filed for divorce. Changed locks. I kept physical distance to help me SEE HIM CLEARLY. And he has shown his dark side again and again during separation: “poor me,” sulking victim mode, wants to be accepted for who he is, threatening not to pay a penny of child support till divorce is final, calling me ungrateful because his dad bought “me” “HALF a house” “to raise MY child” in, telling me “I am your enemy now” after I filed for divorce. Shall I go on?
And stupid me, still hangs on to the idea, the fantasy of the nice guy once upon a time before he revealed the fangs and claws.
I listen to everyone here and the big message across the screen is RUN!!!!
I wanted to leave no stone untruned and tried couples T one last time; last week he admitted that he can’t reach out to me anymore, he can’t ask me out to spend time; he wants a break though it doesn’t have to be LEGAL. Next he emails asking to talk last Thursday, when I say I can’t, says he can’t this weekend, possibly he will early next week.
The court date to gie a status report to family services is this week. I am feeling a lot of pain and grief and fear. He is weirding me out.
Please tell me your opinion of this gesture: He came to pick up daughter; she went to his car, then both came back to the front door and sh easked me to let the dog out for a second. I said ok. Then he comes up on the porch, and moves aside where he can’t be seen from front door, and when they leave, he sort of gives a self-satisfied look toward the house. I saw that the dog hadn’t swallowed a treat he gave him. But why NOW suddenly giving the dog trats? We’ve been spearated for almost 2 yrs and he NEVER did that before. AM I paranoid or is he doing something weird.
I feel very frightened still and unsure of facing him at court and firmly proceeding with the divorce. I’d love to hear how other people summoned strength and confidence for this difficult final parting.
(p.s. I am haunted by good memories of family life and little things remind me, making it physically painful to accept the end. The urge is so strong to reach to HIM for comfort, knowing too well he has none to give.)
Hello everyone.
I want to say that I am so sorry that I was judgmental myself about some people and things in recent posts, and I know that comments made to me in recent days were well-meaning.
I am PMS-ing (no excuse) and some family-of-origin stuff got triggered when I felt my assessment of my healing from the relationship with the ex-N/S and my personal/professional realities were not fully heard or acknowledged. But I know you all did the best you could to offer support based on your own experience and the information I provided.
One thing Kathleen Hawk was very correct about is that I have experienced authority issues — I am conscious of this, resulting from having adult responsibilities at a young age in my family and not receiving the caretaking I deserved as a child — so there’s been self-nurturing of myself since. My mother had been abused by my stepfather, and died from heart disease at a young age when I was a teen.
So this history makes it hard to for me to accept assistance sometimes from others — although I’m better at boundaries and believing I deserve give and take in all my relationships.
The authority issue also has something to do with why I became an entrepreneur, in addition to being a creative person. Corporate America generally is not a good fit for me.
I have been working on my co-dependency issues for 20 years on/off and really am proud of the progress I’ve made in self-awareness and personal responsibility.
But I feel foolish for going into thinking mode only, and forgetting to feel my way through this recent episode of comments on Lovefraud. Had I done so, I would have focused more on knowing that everyone here commented on my situation (regarding whether to allow my ex and others to invest in my business) from a good place in their heart.
To those I offended, please accept my apology.
But this also makes me realize I need to take a break from posting because this place — LoveFraud — can get addictive.
Beats being addicted to a N/S of course…lol.
recovering, if you’re still around. I had a thought last night when I went to bed about what you originally asked for. You asked if anyone knew of a situation in which a feeling person and an N/S had a successful business relationship. (There were more details, but that was the jist of it, I think.) And if so, if there were any examples. That’s all you wanted.
I remember at the time, I was tempted to write “No” and be done with it. But I was worried about you and concerned you might be a first-time entrepreneur, without some the “educational” experiences that you’d have if you’d been through a few start-up experiences. That was what drove me to write those long posts. (I’ve been through four companies so far, not to mention dealing with a lot of contract situations. The first company was the one I loved the most, a weekly news tabloid that was profitable from the first issue. I lost it to a sociopath investor who put in only $1500. I was so naive.)
My impulse was caring, but you didn’t ask for all that. And I truly apologize.
Good luck with whatever you do.
Kathy
Hello Gang Just getting home from work and trying to catch up with all the post. Kathleen – Thank you for being so wise and helping me smooth down my emotional feathers when they are ruffled, your words come from your heart and from experience. It means more than I can say that I am welcomed here and just the fact that you and so many relate and understand where I am coming from at times. You understand that big void, and how confusing it is. You all understand that no contact is not always easy. I have grown up in so many ways these past two years.
Witsend – You as well – thanks for being here, sometimes in the middle of the nite when I feel so all alone, you have been my friend.
Stargazer – I know you have been mad at me a few times and rightfully so. I think you and I are more alike than you realize. I am bad about telling people “dont do that!’ when I do the very same thing myself. But you like me and I like you, thanks for being kind when I am cranky with you.
Thanks to everybody at love fraud. I am over my mood and promise not to take up the thread, for awhile anyway. And ya’lls that know me please continue calling me Henry – I just wanted to change my user name is all…..henry
Star: Give yourself a break about the friend…if necessary give her a short version of some of these conflicting feelings you have about being social and spontaneous (I’m so used to just answering to myself, I don’t like to be pinned down as well – probably why I’ve chosen a few men who don’t/can’t commit…) Everything seems to be a lesson if we can take it in the right way – your dream can be read on so many levels. I agree with one step about the messy, inconvenient aspect of children demanding to be heard – our own inner ‘children’ tell us things and want things from us all the time and most of us have gotten into such a groove of sameness of pain, of thinking about this other person in our lives – that it’s hard to think of being that messy, spontaneous kid we were never allowed to be before in our own lives. I do think that’s why I’ve been attracted to men who have that irresponsible trait – who have a mask or Jekyll (I started to write Jerkyll…) and Hyde character because I’ve repressed my own shadow side for years = and at the same time, like you – I’ve had
flashes of wanting to be irresponsible myself at times. And I have achieved that in letting bad relationships drag on with two men I should have been responsible and strong enough to end.
Not to go on and on…I haven’t been back in awhile as I’m still waiting on guitar… I had called him last week on trip down to city and warned him I was bringing his things down and was going to leave them in or out of store. The weather was progressively bad, he was of course angry with me though I told him I was tired of being strung along on this – but I tended to believe him that he was way across town at an interview and he could not get over in time to pick it up – there was a good chance all of his personal effects could have been stolen. I had come down on another errand so did that but agreed to his coming up this week (tomorrow) when he says he will have my guitar and in his words ‘that will be that.’ I’m feeling emotionally unfaithful again as I talked to an old friend out of state today who called to see how things were with me and I ended up telling her whole situation, including guitar. After I hung up, I almost wished I hadn’t – I have moments that I feel compassion for him – I’ve never been so up against it – he’s been homeless and without a job, I’ve seen that he’s been making calls, sounds like he’s legitimately lined up a job and even volunteered at another to get his foot in the door. You are probably all rolling your eyes, but I do think that’s the truth and there I go, letting someone else in my circle (3 now) actually know about the situation. He has called twice today, the usual minute or so to just ‘check on you’ type call that is so unrewarding…
One of my married friends was saying how it is so counterproductive to be involved in these types of relationships as you are so CLOSED off to really experiencing the richness of life and all your other experiences – and she’s right! She is a new friend and every time she comes into town we do something together and I realize how much I enjoy the new experiences she joins me in – and how I feel, that feeling of being OPEN and alive – and doing something out of the ordinary and fun. We need to shake up our lives a bit so we don’t get into a rut of hopelessness or negative thinking. Everyone here seems to actually have a great passion for life, great senses of humor – it’s like we’ve all allowed ourselves to be sunk into a hole with cement added and need to break free. Star’s dream about children is maybe about our own shutting of a door on childhood instead of opening it up again (or for the first time) to be innocent and trusting with no b.s. involved – to say things imaginatively and bluntly, to be open without fear of being slapped down. Right now I’m struggling with just wanting to be alone when I really should rent a room in my house to help make ends meet – it means change, it means having
someone else in my space and (maybe it’s selfish/childish? after all these years of being a mother and now wanting to
just create as an artist in peace…) in this instance, I guess I have to be an adult and face facts – I need financial help
myself now and better be pulling some rabbits out of my hat immediately, whether it’s out of my comfort zone or not.
So when I get back from seeing my sister, my own life is way overdue being addressed.
Oxy, I especially hope you’re feeling better – you are usually so rock-solid but it’s that much harder if we think we’ve
‘gotten it’ and then something really lays us low – maybe God just reminding us we’re human and need a chance
to just not think – positive, negative, anything – ‘this too shall pass’…
Henry: I’m glad you said we could still call you henry and that you’re here.
I posted over your comment and just wanted to second your feelings about
Kathleen’s post(s) – and Witsend’s, recovering and others. It’s a real gift
to have your insight and caring right here to tap into.
Hi Kathy — Just checked in one last time, before taking my time-out. Many work projects to focus on over the next few weeks.
It will be hard not to want to sign on to LF, but it really can get addictive if I’m not careful about use of my time.
Yes, I appreciate that you were sharing your business experiences, and understand the context of your comments from this perspective.
I’ve had my primary business for 5 yrs. and the new venture for less time, so I’m applying what I learned from my first round.
With clarity and boundaries in place, I will figure things out based on my best interests, with mutual benefit for others who assist my efforts.
Thanks again. Take care.
Dear Dancing warrior,
“Just cause you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone is not out to get you.” I’d get the “treat” checked for poison! Anytime they get a self-satisfied smirk—look out!
Revenge for “slights” or “insults” is so common with them, I would be very paranoid if they did NOT try to get “revenge” on you in any way they could. BE CAREFUL and guard your back!(((hugs)))