A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
pheresphone7 Thanks for that mythical relation to your name. It reminds me of hecatespath’s user name. I am off to bed..and Erins dog ate a 72oz bag of chocolate if I read her post correctly and that = many candy bars – lets us know erin how your dog is doing….
Courtingchaos, welcome to LoveFraud. We understand the challenges of disentangling from these people. I’m glad you found us and started writing. You’re at the right place.
Kathy
hey guys, haven’t been posting over a very long time. Went on a detour after my dad passed and son left for military, didn’t heed advise and got involved with a married detectiveJ(thankfully not too intimately) trying to help him with his narcissistic wife , bought him a book someone on here suggested ‘why is it Always about You” and heard all the whining and horrific things she did for 5 months, telling him to seek counselling which he did or so he says he did. Long story short on the 23 of december aft i had reemed him out as i was conflicted with him living in same home etc. and his loyalties , i thought for all the world that he looked like he was ready to end it all so i felt sssssssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooo sorry for him and a stupid little voice in back of my head said i have to hel p this guy no matter what. Next right aft Christmas he tells me she actually sang at Xmas(now remember this woman had not one redeeming quality from what i’ve heard from him and others) and i’m like so she’s fixed now. Well they have decided to work on things and i’ve come to the conclusion that they are both sick and have probably been living this way of life for a long time and i let myself get dragged into their crap, another dam lesson learned. I sensed this guy had no backbone etc. but i kept using the excuse that he’s physicologically damaged from all the abuse and that is true but i can’t pull him out of it. He has my copy of the Betrayal Bond which i found was so helpful and i would like it back but he’s toomuch of a coward to give it back i suspect. My feelings are he was so needy he had to have someone lined up in case she really intended to leave him. At any rate i feel like i’ve been duped again but i only have myself to blame. Dam it’s so much easier to focus on others problems than your own and that is what happened. Now i’m left thinking who the hell was this guy , is everyone a dam sociopath(he is a detective as well). Very wishy wash character and i just chalked it up to she’s done alot of damage . From what i’ve heard he cant’ even see the truth that she has not been faithful possibly blocked it . When i look back i was so distraught over my dad and this guy sure had to tell me how wonderful everyone and i mean everyone thought he was and how crazy she would be to let him go. I started to think who’s the real narcissist here. Just glad i didn’t sleep with him as it could have been alot worse but he was definately keeping me just in case crap. Now im really feeling jadded as i helped this guy or so he said over and ove r” i don’t know what i would have done without you” yea right. kindheard 48 don’t remember who it was on her e that warned me but i should have listened.
Kindheart:
Welcome back….you definately disappeared after you lost your job at the bank.
Although you have experienced this situation…you sound very strong..aware and ready to move on with the knoledge of living the lie and being used.
Remember…life has a way of teaching us…..and it’s up to us to ‘get’ what it’s throwing our way…..OR it’ll come right back around again until we do ‘get it’.
Now….dust yourself off and head out into YOUR life….for YOU!
thanks for welcoming me back Erin, i’ve even been hitting some meetings as i feel i have no social life at the moment. I keep putting off looking for work as the economy here is the pits but im bored to tears. Im starting to really realize how i love to get lost in other peoples problems and then i dont have to work on my own but im always left disatisfied or disillusioned and i know i have only myself to blame. I am dusting myself off and going to try to stay on a positive path with healthy people. I am going to actually try doing a bit of organizing something i dread and hope to keep posting and thanks again Ox it’s nice of you to welcome me back. love kindheart
Kindheart,
Would you believe I was just thinking about you last night and wondering what happened to you? So great to hear from you.
Thanks Star, not much new, got to get motivated to look for work. Still ruminating over this detective but come to conclusion he’s in a trauma bond and i should know and have to forget and move on. It did take my mind off the s and my father passing but just opened up another can of worms. So glad to be on and have to read over blogs to see what has been going on. Im sleeping in way to much but this time of year is so boring . Trying to get back to meetings as i know they are good for me. Hope all is well with you as well. love kindheart
Dear Kindheart,
Glad to see you again, hope you are doing well. Keep on the path! (((hugs)))) Oxy
Theodore: ‘It’s human to exploit you know. ‘
That’s very interesting.
what do you mean by that?
One step,
I am thinking potted plant here….What about you?