A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Style1 – When you write:
“And WHY was I ”
Because he was so charming.. and told me that I was his soulmate.. blah blah blah.. and I am kind and I got caught up in the spin..”
That’s exactly it. While writing some of my previous posts going over all the crap I went through and did for him and all the abuse etc. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Gee any sane person would wonder what in God’s name I would see in a person like this and WHY? WHY? put up with all this????”
But, then when I saw the word “spin” that really hits it. .There IS so much constant SPIN. I was spun around and around (like that annoying song from the 80’s) with the unending putting out of fires and drama.
The way I see it is the SPIN/DRAMA + CHEMISTRY + MASK = PATHOLOGICAL CON GAME
hi polly! busy busy and not time to read all the posts; hope you feel good in your heart.
in dharma we are not living out the karma from this life ….we have millions of years of karma to burn through.
hmmm, i haven’t thought about this and karma – said that we are born as humans as our strongest motivation is attachment – now, how does that work with spaths?
I will ask a lama.
Dear Duped,
I’m not sure about our “justice” system, there are so many “crimes” that they plea down to “nothing” and most fraud or “family” crime, unless it involves a dead body they don’t seem to take “seriously.”
It upsets me, but not a lot I can do. It seems now that even “murder” is not much of a “crime” any more. I share your frustration with judges and DAs. I wish I had something positive to say to you, but all I can do for sure is to tell you I sympathize with you and agree with your frustration. (((hugs)))
Maybe the judge will see the truth and do something, like stop his visitation.
I do know that drug addicts will cheat on the tests and lie and cheat some more. I will keep you in my prayers for sure! (((hugs))))
I had a recall.. I walked into the room and he was YELLING at his ex-wife about something concerning ‘the daughter’ …. When he YELLS like that it is like the devil enters his voice..
He hung up the phone and I said.. you can’t talk to anyone like that and expect them to listen or to accomplish anything. A woman shuts down when she hearts a voice like that..
To which he shouted at me ” You don’t know what you are talking about. This is about my daughter. She is telling me what to do about her..”
I said I don’t care what it is about.. it’s that voice tone..
then he SHOUTS at me. “Traitor! You are a traitor siding with my ex-wife!”
It was BIZARRE!…
This was one of the last times that I was around him..
And I thought after that .. this man is a kook….
Traitor? Made no sense… and that gave me the proof that he talked to his ex exactly like he talked to me..
mine wanted a baby so bad!!! and he watched me constantly …it made me so uncomfortable ,,,and another thing was he knew everything about my body..my movements and my sounds more than i knew myself….so scary now/.
Gem! i logged back in just to play! lama. 🙂
silly is GOOOD.
i would love to go to SA to speak wiht a llama. i spent time in CA and loved it. have been thinking about that warm sea water for the last few days.
the spath i tangled with has a ‘thing’ for incorporating ‘animals of interest’ into her cons….one of her’s was a llama. I will not hold it against the llamas – who i am sure would SPIT at the spath.
Oh God I am a mess – he just came to take one of the cats and she was crying and frighteneed in the cage. I started crying and saying sorry to her. He had to even control picking her up – txted me to say he’d be late and to have everything ready so I could take her out to meet him at the car. I didn’t get it so he rang and said ‘I am not coming inside the house’ I told him not to be so effing stupid and hung up on him. He arrived and said ‘Where is she?’ I made him come in to get her things – I was crying really hard as I gently carried her out to the car. It was all clinical for him – no upset no emotion. What a monster. I put the dogs outside so they wouldn’t get upset by seeing him and when I let them in they ran up the hallway crying for him – they had heard his voice. How could he be so horrible? How did I end up in this mess?
I’m so sorry polly 🙁 that must have been brutal (((hugs)))
Thanks so much one step – it was 🙁 I was apologising to the cat for picking such a bad partner that she had to go to a new place with him – I packed up food and toys and treats for her. Her little pink fluffy blanket and her special plate. At least I am not apologising to a child for their father I guess – that would be worse 🙁
One step = it’s all brutal at the end isn’t it? every action to get them out of our lives is horrible. It just feels so awful.
Hello Everyone……First I want to tell you all what a blessing you have been over the past 2 1/2 years I have been with an S. Yes, I am sure of that and have been for some time. I would like to tell my story for some insight but have not come here because I have not implemented NC and I know you all dont want to hear the daily drama………..
I have known for some time but tried to end it eaisly…by his choice so he could just discard me and disappear.
End of first year—-helped him get set up in his own place so I could prove to myself he was truly genuine in his future plans with me and my son and his but would support himself and stop dragging me under. It was working great and I convienced him that it was best because he wanted to grow pot and I wouldnt allow it in my home. Well……he got busted!
His son had noone but me to take care of him while the S was in jail so I felt I could hold on a little longer then they could move back home 3 hrs away to his parents…..
Well, he turned up the charm, started saying he wants to marry me and realizes that I am the best thing he has ever had in his life ( I know I am : ) noone else ever put up with him that long). Also, admitted that he had treated me and my sons badly, was lazy etc. and he was going to change and be the man I have always known he could be. He said he only did those things because he wasnt sure I was the one???
Well that lasted a little while but he went back to getting high, as well as all of the S traits I have ever seen posted-he did them all and more!
I will post the details later for my own self help and some insight from you all.
Anyway things got weirder and weirder and my boys as well as my family were sick of seeing me go through it all (They didnt even know the whole story!!) My oldest is at college but my 13 year old had enough! every complaint of his 12 year old son (Mostly amigined by the S) was blamed on my son. His son was always to be put first no matter what and I would get the wrath if he thought in any way he was not. Even things that noone could control like my sons team won a game and his didnt, my son was invited to a friends and his wasnt, much much more mostly made up in his mind. He started to steal my sons video games and trade them for games for his son. H would take my sons socks from his dresser and tell his son to wear them. (I feel like I spent most of my last three years buying socks for his son only to have them disappear????
Anyway, just a few examples but the point is my son was constantly questioned and had to hear me being yelled at and called horrible things.
Well right before he left for the summer to visit his dad it all blew up, the boys had a marshmallow fight in the house and the S came in in the middle of it. Well I am not sure what happened next but it ended up with my 13 year old pretty much telling the S off after the S called him several terrible names that an adult should not call any kid.
So my son goes to visit his dad and the S turns the charm back on saying how wrong he was and how badly he had treated me and my sons. Spent the whole 6 weeks telling me how he would fix it all and we would all have a wonderful life together. My college son also came home durring this time so he only saw the S good side. He repeated daily the great things he was gonna do for my son and be the awsome step father he always wanted. He had me beliving the dream and of course that was what initally attracted me to him.
Well my son told his dad all about the Bad Man and I was suddenly going to lose my kid to a father that only sees him once a year if that.
So without the long drawn out details, the S and his son had to get their own place so my son could come home and if the S truly wanted to prove that he had changed it would have to be from a different residence.
It was again another way for me to try to get on my feet financially as he was not working hardly at all and even when he was he would not help with bills or even food unless I approached him right after a bong hit (Very aggreable) or any of the other times I had figured out that I could get him to hand over some money.
Well he refused to support himself and said he would have to move in with his parents 3 hrs away if he couldnt live in my house. He spent 2 crazy months trying to get back in before he actually left town.
I was releived eventhough our relationship had been very intoxicating all summer and I did hope that he was sincere and could charm my son as he had before (ONLY MEAN IT).BUT MY SON HAD FORGIVEN SO MANY TIMES AND BEEN CRUSHED WHEN THE MASK FELL OVER AND OVER. Like my father told the S “You can bullshit your way out of everything in your life so far but my grandson is the one person that you cant bullshit anymore”
Well they moved out of town and I have just been waiting to be discarded (deep down knowing that it will happen and hoping it will ) HE JUST CANT SEEM TO DO IT ! I have tried to change the things that make him dependant on me but he still maintains he loves me and wants to work it out. He comes to town 1 day a week while my son is at school and I HAVE BEEN TRAINING HIM TO DO THE PART OF HIS JOB THAT i DO (HAHA ). I have set up a computer in his parents house, helped to fix up their 2nd house so he and his son can live there and he can move the rest of his stuff out of here.
So I KEEP WAITING……When will he discard me ???
Why am I so afraid to dump him????
He gives me nothing but intimate companionship but uses that as punishment when me or forces beyond my control make him unhappy.
He now has turned his anger toward my son(he is not ever in contact with him but tells me that everything bad that he does to me is because my son and his dad kicked him and his son out)
i FEEL SO STUPID WRITING THIS! But that is why I AM HERE NOW.I have completely lost control of my thoughts. My mind keeps blocking the extent of the bad things and he sucks me back in.
I made my screen name “Numb” Over a year ago because that is how I felt. While reading various support group blogs this week I found a word that describes how I have felt this week……………”Hamburger”
My son told me this week that he wants to go live with his dad……..I cant even think straight and just want to crawl in a hole.
I lost my job in May
I am about to lose my home
Now I am losing my son………….
Please help with any ideas that you have on how to get my head straight and deal with this.
You are all so strong for what you have been through……….I hope to be there soon.
Hamburger