A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
STAR – I TALKED TO MY FRIEND, THE OTHER SITE IS: http://www.felinecrf.org
pollyannanomore
Hens – including your ex wife, you and your family in prayers – I hope you all get through this strong and bathed in love and respect for one another
hens
Thanks for all the good wishes. I just talked to her on phone ‘ asked how she felt and she said I feel like I got hit by a truck~! She’s been wanting a new car, I told her this isnt the way to go about it. But she is doing great – glad she didnt have one of the grandkids with her, as she so often does..
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hens, this is good 🙂
pollyannanomore
That’s great news Hens – good to see you are both maintaining a sense of humor!
Cat
hens,
so sorry to hear this news. it’s wonderful, though, that the 2 of you have such a great relationship! sending prayers up for her, you and all family members.
NOT the way to go about getting a new car. 🙂 but it’s wonderful both of you can smile!
hugs,
cat
Rosie
I agree with lightsaber
STOP TELLING YOURSELF things that make you feel like SHIT.
Because you know what? YOU are doing the sociopath’s work for him!!!!
So true.
super chic
Rosie, it is so true, hard habit to break when one has been doing it an entire lifetime.
Thanks for the reminder!!! : )
lesson learned
A very powerful article, as well as the posts here …
lesson learned
Ox,
One of the things I find so interesting in reading here and integrating the information (Even though it’s A LOT to read!), is how I’m processing it!
I compare it to Anatomy and Physiology, which I had last term. It was a TON of information to be learned in a VERY short period of time. I was so frustrated with it because I felt I wasn’t “Getting it” and I wanted to throw in the towel on that class a million times during the term! I bombed exams, and walked out the class with a passing grade, THANK GOD….but then something happened toward the end of the term that told me I was indeed “getting it”. I got sick and had to see my doctor. what was amazing is how much I KNEW when discussing my condition, medications, etc. All that I learned flowed out of me while discussing my diagnosis of bronchitis with my doctor…
The point here being that unless you’re VERY educated about this or had direct experience with a Sociopath, which may lead to learning about it, it would be very hard to “get it”. The more I read, the more it hits home, the more I integrate and it has gradually removed the mask FURTHER…or rather transitioning from HIM to ME….I could never speak to nor see him again. There is NOTHING left to deny!!! And the more I read here, and interact, the clearer I feel I’m becoming. Just thought I’d share that.