A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Numb / Hamburger … sorry you are going through all this – I don’t have any great wisdom to share with you except this
DROP HIM – JUST DO IT. Like you I waited for him to end it as the relationship got worse and worse = they will hang on forever though parasitically = lots of people here have had to end it including me. Do yourself a favor = talk honestly with your son about the bad relationship and get this guy the heck out of both of your lives = you deserve it.
Maybe a break from your son will do the both of you some good = you will need lots of time to heal from this even though you have known for a while = I was similar in that I knew it was abusive for a long time but didn’t know he was a P.
You need to get away from this guy = everything is fixable after you clear him out of your life = you know this probably already though!
Hugs to you = you will get lots of support here for the journey ahead. Lots of other people have lost jobs and family members = these people leave a wake of devastation in their wake.
I know sex is not discussed here very much but why am I so controlled by the need for him to want me? He does not do anything else for me and I swear if I was the type to just go get another partner I could dump him. and it is not that great……even so bizarre at times that I am not sure what happened. But I am addicted to him wanting me and to pleasing him. He uses that to punish me by withholding. It had not happened since before summer but this week we engaged in sexual activity on our one day together for the week and he insisted on leaving in the middle of it all because he was late for an appointment (never cares about being late any other time) I was very upset and he knew I would be. We are not to see each other until next week.
Is it because I feel in control when I make him weak wit h pleasure? Is it because I need to be wanted by a man?
It feels so lame but the truth.
I was single and without for 10 years by choice raising my boys on my own and had few partners before my 10 year marrage. Is that a clue?
Hamburger (My brain is fried but I still can make myself laugh at this one)
When he accuses me of being with another man I laugh and say “If I had someone else why the hell would I keep putting up with you” I DO EVERYTHING , JUMP THROUGH HOOPS/NEVER ENOUGH AND HE DOES NOTHING.
Well he did buy me an $8 all you can eat buffett (I had been begging for weeks) after I painted his new place for 3 days while my kids visited their dad and delivered his son and him Christmas gifts. Rare giving experiance.
But he did give me the cuddling and sex everyday I was there and knows thats all he has to do……………Am I Crazy?
Numb – they are masters at using sex and cuddling … they usually are very agile in the bedroom and adept at giving pleasure … oxytocin which is released during orgasm provides an even more intense bond with them as it is literally a bonding and cuddling hormone. So the sex hooks us but we don’t know it rationally.
No you are not crazy = you’ve been with someone who has a personality disorder = they have two distinct sides = one that is parasitic, abusive, nasty and takes everything and then another fake side that is charming, suave, slick, nice and helpful and declares they are our soulmates. Mine could look me dead in the eye and tell me he loved me while doing actions that clearly said ‘I hate you’. When I confronted him with it he of course denied it = ‘How can you doubt me? I love you so much – we were meant to be together’.
He also accused me of being with other men or at a minimum flirting with them – apparently according to him saying hello is putting sex on a plate for a man. I lost all my male friends and he hated my female friends so gradually they all slipped out of my life too.. I had no witness to the craziness going on at home and he would only drop the mask in front of me. He had the audacity to call me abusive towards him too. They project what they are doing onto us.
Mine took everything from me and was happy to watch me suffer and go without while he always got what he wanted – selfish to the core.
Read through the archives here and you will see that many have experienced exactly the same behaviours and even the same lines were used. These guys are pretty much identical no matter where in the world they live. It sucks … they get to walk away with no remorse and no consequences while we have to pick up all the pieces and try to go on with life. Reading that other people had the same experiences was hugely validating for me – I thought I was the only one going through this and was going nuts!
You are not crazy. These people are extremely sick and dangerous and they do a lot of damage to normal feeling people. If you have some time, I recommend you get hold of the book Women who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown – it shows all the strengths and weaknesses of women who get into these relationships and why the psychos and socios use our qualities against us. It answered a lot of questions for me. You can buy it at the Lovefraud store and there is an ebook version, which is cheaper than the printed book. I read it in one go and was shocked at who I saw in the pages =- incredibly accurate.
Numb Hamburger,
I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad first – no matter how hard you hope and pray, this man will never be what you want or need him to be. Clearly he knows how to exploit you and your insecurities and attachment/abandonment issues.
The good news? If he’s gone and you, logistically speaking can cut all ties, all that’s left resides in your scope of control All you have to do is stop using focusing him as a distraction from what’s truly going on inside you and do some personal work and you’ll get better and better, most days.
I suggest getting a good therapist that knows how to deal with codependency and PTSD. You have clearly chosen your son over this guy before and must do so again! Be gone with him, keep your problems, let him own his, feel like crap and then start pulling it all together.
That’s my advice. I wish you the best. Nothing truly good in life is easy!
Duped
Oxy,
Thanks for sharing in the frustration and the hugs and prayers! Nothing’s played out yet and I’m trying to follow my own advice about being diligent without being hyper-vigilant.
I’m going to allow family court to work through some of this before I take measures to involve another court. I know upsetting judges doesn’t EVER work in ones favor.
I’ll keep you informed of how things progress.
Namaste,
Duped
They are attracted to our stability and our goals, because they are so transient they apply that to our lives… hence my always moving around to “rescue” him from his life problems….giving up my own goals to make him happier… which never worked…Our stability and our goals appeal to them…cause they have’nt a clue… to see a happy future…..
Numb hamburger – yes, you are crazy as all hell – but it it curable! it’s a response to being with a spath.
PLEASE – do you have any experience of healing from addiction? if you do, yo will know the benefit of ‘abstinence’, here it is no contact. You have the power to extricate yourself from this – you are the ONLY one with that power.
Read, read, read here, post post post – have you read the BETrAYAL BOND? turn that compulsion you are feeling towards saving and healing yourself. use the jumpiness you feel to jump toward freedom – one step at a time. You CAN do this. We are proof.
Hi Numb, I think we get addicted to sex with sociopaths because we feel that in those moments a connection exists. It’s the closest we ever get to those cold, distant, hateful monsters. The rest of our daily lives with them tend to be devoid of tenderness, care or concern for us on their part. That’s why we cling on to those illusions of intimacy, mutual respect, tenderness and love during sex…
Like you I felt I missed this connection with him, even though he was a complete disaster in bed, and it took me a while to figure it out – I reckon it was really a default thing, as in bed he would behave a bit less in-humanly than usual!
Numb, my dear, dear Numb-side
I read this article by Steve and thought: geesh, I needed that (though I’m scared of it!) And then I read Numb’s testimony. I can’t help but think this: yes, there are two sides to the psychopath/sociopath – the charming side and the evil side. And I think there are two sides to his/her victim – the terrifically intelligent, able, creative, adventurous (etc etc etc)side, and the side that is terrifically emotional and loving, and capable of becoming absolutely numb.
Numb, you are me before I let me intelligent side convince me that if I stayed with this man, he would hurt me beyond all comprehension.
I have my good days; I have my bad days. This morning, I woke up remembering the charming side of my S, thinking about how right now he’s so deeply hurt by me (who filed an Order of Protection against him.) And I want to call him (yeah, to break the order) and apologize and assure him I’ll always love him.
Then I remember his evil side, which I was only beginning to see fully over this past summer – his evil side is bitter, vengeful, deceptive, and sexually perverse. Yeah, that sex thing is a very important element, and I’m glad you brought it up. Sex was part of what he used to capture me, and to hold me (and what I used, unconsciously, to control him) But he was easily bored with our sex games, and very willing to move into terrifically adventurous (ok, ok, that might be fun, but we all have limits) and then sadistic sexualities. Yes, I say that in the plural. I began to wonder if he was bi- or trans- or something else. Not that I take issue with that, but if it involves tying people up and beating them, well, that’s just not for me. Or putting pillows over your face in the middle of “love” making. . .
Sexuality for me ended up being a big part of what drew me to him, and what made me run. . . and I keep hoping and praying that what I experienced is the worst his dark side is capable of.