A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Louise…if you ever consider breaking N/C again…think there’s no point because he will do it himself eventually, protection order or not…just happened to me today.
It feels okay, though, because I have learnt to read between the lines of what he writes, and any form of communication on his part can only confirm what a pathetic loser he is! He is acting guilty and apologetic…sending me back some of my stuff he took “by mistake”…I was puzzled at first, because he owes me a lot of money, and I thought that if he really wanted to tempt me to break N/C the most intelligent thing to do for him would be to use that money as bait. I understand now that he’s just being sarcastic. Reading between the lines I see that he’s really saying “ha ha, I give you back that worthless stuff you don’t want, just to remind you that I’ve kept your cash and had a lot of fun with it!”
It’s not lack of intelligence (well…there’s that too), nor a memory lapse, nor tactlessness, it’s not a coincidence if he uses such or such a word (“we have enough in the bank to stay friends”) – he is simply still having fun!
Personally I honestly don’t believe they can experience pain, or loss. They are angry they lost control and that’s about it. Whatever they do is aimed at gaining back some control, full stop.
Numb:
You are hoping that he will quietly go away and leave you alone. You are hoping that he will vanish. You are hoping for what I call a “soft landing”. Forgive my being blunt, but it doesn’t happen. Speaking from personal experience, you, and only you, are going to have to take control of this situation. And there is only one way to do that — NC.
Until you go NC, he will be taking up space in your head. You will be dreading his next move. You will be trying to figure out what hell he’ll unleash on you next. And a part of you will be trying to figure out what you can do to keep this parasitic piece of shit in your life.
You need to ask yourself “why”. The “why” for me was that I was determined to win back “the wonderful man I fell in love with.” I finally realized that man was an illusion. How did I do that?
By turning off the noise. Kathy Hawke said turn off what they are saying and watch their actions against a blue screen. Their words are always the opposite of their actions. Watch the actions. Here’s an example of what I mean. Your S is stealing socks and video games from your child. Yet, he is telling you how much he loves you and wants to be a family with you and your kids. See the incongruity? He is destroying the relationship between you and your son (no doubt you have more than once asked your kid how the hell he keeps losing socks and video games). Your kid is so fed up he wants to go live with his father (further destroying your family). Yet, S is telling you he wants to be with you as a family. See the disconnect.
That is why we advocate NC on this site. Not only do you need the time to get over the addiction — yes, addiction we form with these non-human creatures. But, also, when we go NC, it gives us the chance to reconnect with reality and see what they are really doing.
You are obviously reconnecting with reality. But, the healing won’t really begin until you go NC. It’s hard. But, trust me. 15 months of NC later, my life is so much better. Okay, I’m out of work, and I wasted a lot of money on S which I dearly wish I had now, but I have met a great guy and my focus is where it needs to be at this moment — on me.
Dear Numb: In addition to what Matt and others have said, keep reminding yourself that you are worthy, valuable and loveable.
Here’s part of what helped me in healing from the emotional abuse and confusion with my ex N/S from a 1.5 yr. relationship:
Do self-affirmations daily/hourly or more to help re-program your thoughts. Attribute more positive qualities to yourself (which you’ve likely minimized while in the FOG and under your man’s control/”spell”) while you’ve put him on a pedestal — resulting in making him seem so much more powerful than he actually is.
When you have enough physical and emotional distance after a period of NC, you can become more objective in assessing him. Give yourself permission to de-program yourself by deflating him in your mind. He is not God. He is a disordered-personality. He has major human flaws.
To diminish the feeling of being addicted, you need to devalue him mentally. We have to give ourselves permission to own our own Shadow and get in touch with our inner sociopath — in order to detach and evolve to becoming indifferent toward someone who is toxic for us. It’s an internal process and takes time.
Own your anger and let it out in healthy ways without harming your children or other innocent people, of course. Allow yourself to call the disordered man every bad name in the book if that’s what you need to do. Scream and cry as much as you need to.
Be gentle with yourself by not labeling yourself as “mean” or other derogative words for doing all this. You’re human and have limits to how much mental/spiritual abuse you can take. It’s important for your psychological healing and ongoing survival right now, and you won’t have to get stuck in this stage — it won’t last forever.
With time, this de-programming will help you develop new patterns of thought that open the door to greater reflection on the past and present, and emotional healing when you are ready. You will know you’re doing more self-care/protection and changing for the better when you begin to see that you actually can survive and be OK from relying on your own internal resources for self-support — rather than having a strong dependence on him to say and do things to make you feel OK. He is not required like oxygen for you.
These steps over time can help you to get stronger internally so you can consistently challenge his non-sense within yourself, and develop new boundaries so you don’t take in, absorb and personalize as much craziness from him.
This becomes a building block to feeling better, more alive and reclaiming your right to self-worth, self-respect and self-love.
Best wishes.
Numb: you are in a very toxic relationship and you need, for your own mental/physical health to determine yourself to get out ASAP! Sit down and come to a mental understanding [really, if you can get a good counselor that would help you greatly] that this situation is destroying not only you, but effecting your kids very negatively. Emotions must be dealt with…but your reality has been skewed by this disordered individual. You cannot begin to heal until you get away from him. Do whatever it takes to remove yourself and your sons and go NC. It will be difficult, but once you do…[we are all here for you….we’ve been thru it] your mind will begin to clear and you will begin to see the spin that has been put upon you. Sex is used as a control/power play and that is very dangerous….you can get drawn into a very dark world that is going to really hammer your mind. My X began to use intimacy as a major power tool and I could see he was engaging in areas [apart from me with other people/porn etc] that were going to forever alter him-and has pretty much claimed his sanity. My survival bells went off big time…and I felt like it was him or me..it got down to that level for me. I made plans and walked. These people are seriously disordered and want to take down as many people as possible with them into their dark holes.
Thank you all so much. I need to focus right now on my son and decide if I am going to let him go or if I will fight his father.
The father that claimed he was fine until #2 was born and then couldnt handle being a family man. He only sees him in the summer (has skipped a few over the years) and a few Christmas breaks.
He is being unusually nice right now and making me an offer of no child support, extra holidays etc if my son can move there starting next school year. I cant help but try to read through the lines and wonder if HE is just putting on a show and the mask will fall as soon as he has custody.Having the knowledge from you all I wonder if he has S traits as well.
My older son (21yrs) is not speaking to him right now because of the absent father issues I knew he would have issues with when he became an adult.
I know the ex blames me in part and cant help thinking he will turn the younger one (13yrs) on me.
So you see why I feel crazzzzzzzzzzy right now. My oldest son is my rock and when I get really down about losing everything (JOB, HOUSE, SON#2, as well as the fake wonderful life I have put all of my effort into with the S)
I can say i still have #1 son. He also told me to do some meditation techniques to clear my head.
One of the reasons that I have hesitated in the past with NC was I know the S would try to take the last thing I have.
I convinced my #1 son that even though he is the most forgiving human I have ever known he must keep his guard up when around the S.(He comes home from college on breaks) When the S lived here I was afraid he would try to set up the #1 son with some of his drugs another reason he had to be far away from my home before it all came down (the S is very jealous of #1 and our relationship as well as the awsome person he really is but claims that he loves my kid)He constantly wears #1s clothes, shoes, hats etc like he wants to be him……weird.
Anyway thanks again…..I have always been an intelligent, well respected person.The one that everyone else knew could solve the problems in my professional and personal life. I have raised 2 awsome kids to this point. Why do I feel like such an idiot?
Numb Hamburger (makes me think of a cow hit by a mac truck)
Steve, as always, your sentences are precise, with words expertly chosen, and full of meaning: ” By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted. ”
It is that gross insensitivity that shows he IS inhuman. And it is that gross insensitivity that makes him so different from the man who just screws up….and while that man who screws up may start by making excuses, ultimately he realizes the impact of what he did and is truly repentant, truly anxious to make amends, and humble in asking forgiveness. And he backs that up with sustained changed behavior. Not so with the man who has a dark side.
And if a man with a dark side DOES (for his own purposes) apologize, he is soon saying things like “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?” “I don’t want to revisit the past” and “are you going to keep bringing that up forever?”….and before you know it, your very rational inability to “get over” something (like him cheating on you) on the basis of a simple “Yeah, I was a jerk, sorry” , with no true repentance, etc on his part, suddenly means (in his eyes) that YOU are the one who needs to apologize, not him!
I also want to add that sometimes they betray you not only with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury, but they also often (if they can) betray you in a way that attempts to make YOU also insensitive to the injury they are doing you…to even at times get you to cooperate in the injury they are doing to you, to get you to be unable to recognize what is really happening.
Steve,
I read a line recently in a book titled, In The Wood, a murder/thriller. In it a woman said, after a few dates with the main character, “I am old enough to know the difference between intriguing and fucked up…..you may want to date 20-year olds….they don’t always”.
Oh, how I wish I could have been that woman at the first exploitation! Which was, by the way, the first night we ‘went out’.
I know I will now. Thanks for another spot-on article. As usual, a saver.
Dear Numb,
I haven’t read everyone’s else’s posts to you, so this point may have already been made, but I hope you read Women Who Love Psychopaths, 2nd edition. You can order the ebook version and have it immediately. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/women-who-love-psychopaths-%E2%80%93-2nd-edition
It will answers so many of your questions, including about your addiction, the sex stuff, etc. Think of him as a mini-cult who has brainwashed you. Thinking of it that way is not far from the truth. From the website link above:
“And learn even MORE fascinating aspects of why Sandra believes these relationships are highly connected to trance, hypnotic inductions and your own high suggestibility! Find out what you need to do to protect yourself from entrancem.”
Sounded crazy to me…until I read it.
Hi Numb:
It sounds like your son wants No Contact from your S so badly that he is willing to go live with his father.
He sounds like a really smart boy….not to mention all the crap he has endured from this man.
However, I don’t get the same impression with you. You are not done with this man yet, because you are still addicted. At least, that is what I am sensing from what you have written.
Whether your son goes to live with his father or stays with you, does not really matter. Because, either way, as long as the S is in your life, the S wins.
If you let your son go live with his Dad, the S has succeeded at splitting you off from your son. Sociopaths are great at breaking up families.
If you keep your son with you, there is a good chance your son will end up resenting you for staying in this toxic relationship. The S wins again.
You have already told your son that he is the most forgiving human you have ever known and he must keep his guard up when around the S.
Why is it your son’s responsibility to keep his guard up around the S? From what I’ve read, he does not want anything to do with this man.
So, why does he have to carry that burden?
Furthermore, if you maintain contact with the S, things could get worse. You may not want your son to see the ugly of what is going on. He’s obviously seen enough. Maybe that’s why he wants to go live with his Dad.
These are just some things for you to think about.
Right now, it is so obvious to me that you are addicted. Because all you are thinking about is the S. You are not thinking about what maintaining contact with this man may be doing to your family.
The only way YOU can win in this situation is to do what your son is trying to do……go NO CONTACT on this S, and move on to healthier relationships.
Easier said than done, I know. But, we are here to support you.
~Numb, it’s a brand New Year….time for new & healthy relationships.
Thank you so much………….do you know if it is available on audiobook for iphone download? I did this with The Sociopath Next Door. Good book but not specifically written towards the Male Female relationship thing. I was able to listen while doing other things and it was great.
Multi tasking is one of the things I have become very good at as surviving with an S demands this skill.