A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
JAH,
YES! My experience, exactly. And as soon as they ‘get away’ with that first indiscretion, trite ‘apology’, with ZERO behavioral changes, and we accept it-they are off to the races! Now they know we can be had.
There is also the tactic of ‘normalizing’ the indiscretions, by attaching them to some kind of ‘idealism’. As in polyamory (multiple partner lovelife), or BDSm (as in, it is my ‘nature’ to dominate), or being a shaman or guru (I was chosen by The Divine, to lead others’), or a hard-driving Wallstreet success (being tough, hard, and decisive to acheive success).
In my case, once I ignored the first lack of fundamental change I found that the indiscretions became more frequent, often not even hidden (because he is an ‘open and honest’ person!), and something I should talk about with him, like any ‘mature…spirtually evolved….non-jealous…..open-minded…..kind’ person. And certainly I wanted to be seen as all those things. And CERTAINLY not the opposite of any of those things. Which, of course, he did not value, as being a high-minded spiritual-shamantype, was his whole gig.
His whole persona was about how he was so full of love and energy and ability that he could have multiple partners, that he could ‘love’. But not his partners. They were not as evolved as him, and couldn’t maintain the proper balance, blah, blah, blah……In this way I did participate in the exploitation, wanting to believe, despite my body/mind/instinctual revulsion, that I was becoming a bigger, better, MORE giving person.
In this way, as you said, they attempt to manipulate you into ‘desensitizing’ yourself to their harm. And in many instances even have you questioning if the harm you feel is simply your own fault, for not being ___________ (enlightened, strong, smart, patient, etc….).
What a crock of shite! More brainwashing to become increasingly co-dependent, dependent, self-abasing, and boundary-free. All perfect for the predator.
Dear Numb,
Welcome to LF, glad you arrived here at a place ofknowledge and support for your healing.
The advice you have been given is right on, I suggest that you go back through the artchived articles and read and read and read, just the ARTICLES themselves for now, and keep coming here and postingj and blogging, but KNOWLEDGE-POWER and right now that is what we ALL need to do is to take back our POWER.
We have lived in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) for far too long and the Ps have played the tunes and told us how to dance.
Welcome to a great place of healing, please stay around! God bless.
Thank you all again…………………I have been here for years reading but not posting so you have all been my Guardian Angels for a long time.
Dear Numb,
You are being courageous. Keep on this course. Do NOT give up and do NOT give in to him. I get angry on your behalf reading your posts. There are some things I’d like to share regarding sex and how it’s used against you. I don’t have the time at the moment to post, but I will be back. There is a lot of excellent support and advice at LF. Keep coming back as often you need to to feel strong and do something that feels good for YOURSELF even just a relaxing bubble bath.
(((BIG HUGS)))
icansee
Regarding references to our “Inner psychopath”. Many have referenced that, maybe even me! But I now think that statement is really underestimating what a psychopath is. There is no inner part of me that wants to manipulate, exploit, to have my way way no matter what the cost to others, and who feels no loving emotion ever. Uh, no. I think most normal human beings can’t relate, much less experience that. That is one reason p’s are so hard to wrap our brains around.
What we have to get in touch with is that inner part that puts ourselves first. That is not psychopathic. And we have to create emotional insulation around ourselves in regards to them, to protect ourselves. That is not psychopathic.
There is not an inner psychopath in me who is emotionally retarded, anymore than there is a inner mentally retarded person inside me. No matter how much I struggle with a concept, I still don’t know what it is like to be mentally retarded. And likewise, there is no inner psychopath in me.
To believe that is to miss what a psychopath is. Does that make sense?
Slimone….you have my deepest sympathy. What a piece of work he was/is. I can see that working!!!!!!!! Very cult like.
JAH,
I appreciate your sympathy, but I wasn’t actually looking for it, as I don’t feel too bad about any of this anymore. And it feels good to say that. At one point I didn’t think I would be able to. But after more than two years this ‘story’ is less about it’s effect on me, personally, and more about what they can look like, in the wild, so to speak. So the details are there more by way of example. But I do appreciate your sincere understanding. Indeed he was a piece of work. A true bad man. As they ALL are!
What I really hope is that others’ will read my experience and see how these folks can really twist our realities, and use so many of our beliefs, idealisms, fears, and hopes/dreams against us, and in their favor. How convoluted their ministrations can be.
As for what you say about the innerpsychopath conversation. I understand what you are driving at. I find the use of this language difficult to integrate into my self-concept. I would choose, as you do, to identify my healthy ability to take care of me, have good boundaries, not worry about what others’ think of me, protect myself, etc….in a different way.
Kathy Hawke has a good way of defining what getting in touch with ‘the’ innerp/n looks like. And despite the brilliance, and accuracy of describing what it looks like (which I totally agree with), the use of the language about it being our innerpath is very much to my dislike. I don’t feel like I am creative enough to come up with a good phrase for what it ‘should’ be called. Maybe just plain ole’ good self-esteem, and all that entails.
Thanks again for your caring.
Recovering…..you are so right in saying that we have to self-validate. At least in my case, that wanting validation from him was a biggy. And then ..oops…it was realizing that was a biggy with my mom that she was not able to do for me as her child. So that pattern in me was easy for him to hook into and trigger. Now I REALLY watch out for that tendency in myself. Everyone wants some validation, but you are right.. it is not oxygen!
True, we all want/need validation. Even the P’s want validation. It’s why they try to mind melt us into their reality. We don’t try to make others see it our way [we do try to make our point] we want to know if we are seeing it correctly/normally. They, on the other hand, want others to see it their way-[distorted and disordered]. I think this is one reason they will panic rapidly when we begin to wise up and start asserting ourselves or leave. They work hard to re-hook us, but if we are past that point….they usually move on to someone new they can brainwash. I’ve heard/watched the panic in my X’s voice/face when he began to realize…I was coming into reality and he was losing his ‘spell’ over me. To this day: he says he wants to be with ‘people like him’. Whoever they are…
Said he wanted to be “where he fit in”. Wherever that is….
elleen,
You are so right with the “I’m a work in progress!!!” He has it posted on his facebook, it makes me sick. That’s what he always said to me for the 3 and a half years we were together, now he’s using it on his new supply! The thing is he never progressed, except to get better at deceit! He’s gone into his family religion, which he alsways ran down to me, and getting a hold on all the people he went to school with. They have no idea what he is about, except full of ____!