A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable, gratifying qualities.
However, when we’re dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.”
By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath’s exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he’s inflicted.
The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the latter may surface.
Most of us would take six sunny days in exchange for one cold, dreary, rainy one. That’s a trade-off we’d probably gladly accept. It’s not perfect, but it’s good, and it does nothing to compromise our integrity.
Yet six days, six months, six years of the man’s light side must not mitigate a single instance, a single flash (let alone pattern) of his dark side. One act of exploitation, the very first, necessitates, however sadly, that we cut our losses with minimal delay and filibustering.
Yet, in case after case I see clients who, understandably, prefer not to see their partners’ dark side. They prefer, naturally, to see his light side—his strengths, what he can be, what he usually is, what he “really” is!
They seize on his capacity for sensitivity, thoughtfulness, tenderness, warmth, good humor, patience, soliticousness, you name it. They desperately want to convince themselves, if not others, that his capacities define his essence!
Because he can be thoughtful, his essence must be thoughtful! Because he can be sensitive, his essence must be sensitive! Because he can be unselfish and candid, his essence must be unselfish and honest! Because he can go periods when he’s not (apparently) screwing around, his essence must be faithful!
I’m not speaking here about flawed partners who screw up, who make mistakes, who lose their course, their priorities, and in so doing sometimes wound others badly. In our fallibility we can make a mess of things, and hurt the people we care and love. Whether our transgressions are forgivable is for those whom we’ve disappointed to decide.
But the man with the dark side is a different case. When he reveals the capacity to exploit, he’s not revealing his human face, but his inhuman face.
He’s revealing the face of his dark side.
And while it’s a sight you might like to avoid, you musn’t. While you’d rather turn away until the view of his “light side” resurfaces, you must not. You must, instead, see him, unmasked, and recognize him, unmasked.
You must recognize him for who he is, in his essence.
(My use of “he” in this article is for convenience’s sake and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
hi slimone — when I refer to the “inner sociopath” term, I actually mean I had to — was forced because it was a matter of psychological survival, choosing me over the ex — turn off tender emotions and be cold. He had been callous and confusing to me at crucial times during the 1.5 yr. relationhip, enough that his actions and words could be described as emotional abuse. It harmed me in ways I could have never imagined. When I first took stock of things, it was…oh my God.
I had to allow myself to be cold to someone who had been cold to me. He was less affected, of course — in fact strangely seemed more turned on by it and even complained I was abusing him — but what mattered most to me was to reclaim the reality and myself that he tried to distort, to confront his projections and lies to and about me and everything else, as I began seeing a pattern. It was my primary defense — being cold to him — before I could let go and clearly determine the relationship was not workable.
I don’t believe that turning the other cheek is always best in all situations, particularly when survival psychologically or physically is at stake. Sometimes we give back what we got in order to release the negativity — at least that’s how I transferred much of my ex’s stuff back to him, rather than “own” and carry around his baggage after a certain point.
I’ve always been the type to suffer through/mentally leave a relationship before I actually leave it physically. Why, I don’t know.
So instead of placating all the time, I started becoming mean to my ex, callous and confrontational, dismissive of him and non-appreciative of some positive stuff he did — to deal with the pain he’d slowly overwhelmed me with. I didn’t cut him any slack — and called him on nonsense, drama and insensitivity during the last 1/3 of the relationship. Yes, I was behaving “out of character” at times when I would have preferred getting along.
It took seeing the pattern, and learning that my ex was likely a NPD/S, to help me let go of the hopes for improving things with him, and my healing intellectually and emotionally continued to evolve over time.
My inner socioopath component was a transitional part to help me devalue him and detach more — it was a “don’t-give-a-shit” attitude with the N/S as I was slowly reclaimed myself and my personal power.
That didn’t mean I treated other people the same way during the unfolding process of letting out rage and anger directly toward him. I made a distinction — only the ex deserved my wrath…not my kid, friends or family members.
It was like discovering I had access to different tools in the toolbox to work with — some people required dealing with by using a hammer and no-nonsense approach, until I was fully intact again, enough to move on from the drama and chaos.
And it doesn’t mean we will stay stuck in relating from that “inner sociopath” negative way. For me, it was a necessary stage of releasing pent-up pain, by simply giving myself permission to be very angry, uncooperative and a straight-up bitch toward a toxic person who did not deserve goodness from me any longer.
It helped me come out of the FOG after having absorbed all the harm from emotional abuse that he’d perpetrated.
For what it’s worth, this ‘inner sociopath” aspect — after this “tool” was no longer needed — reinforced that I do in fact have choices, every step of the way. I once told my ex I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who required that I be mean to him just to get along or stay balanced.
All this allowed me to move toward acceptance and forgiveness, eventually embracing the lessons and blessings from the experience.
What I found as I uncovered more was that the ex N/S wasn’t totally to blame for all my pain — he was a major trigger for much unresolved family-of-origin stuff, and yes he confused me and was abusive and callous in not understanding how his words and actions impacted me.
But I had to accept the role I played in all of it — unknowingly, but still responsible to the degree that I didn’t maintain boundaries or say “enough” sooner rather than later.
I am now freer to be me, strengths and limitations. And I know self-care is my responsibility.
So we can be multi-faceted and access different parts of our “integrated” angel and Shadow self. It doesn’t mean we have multiple personalities. It means we are being flexible toward life, accessing different parts of ourselves depending on what a situation calls for.
As you say, actions that are positive also empower us — “healthy ability to take care of me, have good boundaries, not worry about what others’ think of me, protect myself, etc”.in a different way.”
“All you need is to go NC and go through the withdrawal pains. It’s hard. I know it is. But, it doesn’t last that long. You CAN get through it.”
icanseeclearlynow is correct. It’s tough at first, and tough awhile -then starts to get better and better till you come thru and then…..oh, you feel sooooo good….maybe better than you ever felt in your life.
Watch the movie: Under the Tuscan Sun….quote from film: “You won’t die!”
recovering, thank you for explaining the “inner sociopath” (what I really said) so well. I don’t think I’ve ever said how much I enjoy your writing but I do.
I’d like to say a little more about this concept. Psychologists observe that it’s easier for those of us on the dependent or codependent side of the personalty type or disorder spectrum to become whole that it is for NSPs. Becaues they can’t learn to be social or empathetic people, but we can learn to have healthy self-interest.
I was so socialized to be dependent and supportive and it took me a long time after throwing my ex out (despite his protestations that he had no money and nowhere to go) to stop wringing my hands about whether he’d “made me” a sociopath too. I just spent five years putting his dreams, needs, demands and wishes ahead of my own. At huge cost and despite the fact that he denied we were in a relationship, slept iwth other women, hid the fact that we were living together or I was supporting him, never acknowledged that anything in his life came from me, and made a five-years project out of destroying my self-esteem and sucking everything he wanted out of my life.
I had it in my head that I needed to make him love me. Because if I could just convince him to love me, then he would care about how he made me feel.
Do you think I needed to get in touch with my inner sociopath?
Here’s what that means to me. What I needed to learn was how to put myself first, take care of my own needs, before I started thinking about taking care of anyone else’s.
I had to get cold about dealing with dealing with people who would use me. And where that is natural, such as business relationships, I had to become assertive about what I wanted in return.
I had to evaluate what came into my life in terms of whether it helped my goals, and if it didn’t ask myself why it was worth my time and attention.
I had to draw clear lines about what I would and wouldn’t tolerate or support. And enforce them.
I had to recognize that everytime I gave myself away, or invested in things that weren’t going to provide real return, or experimented with one-way commitments or try-outs, I was disrespecting myself and teaching other people to disrespect me.
I needed to put thought into what I needed and wanted, and invest time and energy in getting it, rather than hoping I’d be sufficient adorable and indispensible that someone else would be willing to share their leftovers.
That’s probably enough for now, but you may notice that this is all about my primary relationship with me, me, me. That is what sociopaths have, and what I didn’t. My relationship with my ex was very educational for me, not just in teaching that I needed to be more responsible about taking care of myself, but also in learning by watching him how it’s done.
I don’t have to worry about becoming a sociopath. I have a good, healthy, probably overactive empapthic, carring and collaborative side. I’d have to have brain surgery to shut that off. I just wanted to become a balanced, functional, self-supporting and self-referenced human being.
To do that, I had to turn the lights on in the sides of my brain that were all the sociopaths have. I always had the capacity. I’d just been socialized by a childhood of major abuse. I came out of it desperately in need of validation and safety, and I found it in relationships in which I made myself indispensible in return for the illusion of love and safety. If you think about what kind of person would want a person like that, you can imagine the general spectrum of my major relationships. Alcoholics, pathological liars, depressed people, narcissists, BPDs, and finally the sociopath.
No more. I’m no longer low-hanging fruit for these people. I care more about friendships based on mutual respect, and my standards for trust and commitment are pretty high now. And very solidly based on what I want out of my life. I’ll compromise, of course, but it has to be worth it. That may never happen again, but I’m no longer getting my sense of accomplishment or my hopes for the future out of making someone else happy.
Cheerfully sociopathic in my own empathetic way —
Kathy
Dear gang,
I don’t really like the term “inner sociopath” because I don’t think that taking care of yourself is socioipathic. I don’t think setting boundaries that don’t allow someone to abuse us is being “cold” or “unfeeling.”
Maybe this is just “semantics” but to me, the point is that we are NOT being “bad” or “hateful” or “mean” by protecting ourselves from abuse.
Quote: Kathy—
“I don’t have to worry about becoming a sociopath. I have a good, healthy, probably overactive empapthic, carring and collaborative side. I’d have to have brain surgery to shut that off. I just wanted to become a balanced, functional, self-supporting and self-referenced human being. ”
The BEST PARTS of us are what made us vulnerable to their predation.
Even good things, to excess, such as excessive empathy, excessive giving, can become damaging to us.
We need to practice, I think, MODERATION is all things, in caring, in empathy, in giving, in protecting ourselves, and in loving.
Kathy and OxDrover — Thanks for helping me better clarify the “inner sociopath” thing. As I think about it, our “Shadow” side (Carl Jung’s term) is really more appropriate.
Kathy, thanks — likewise, I’ve appreciated your writing. What you wrote also applies to my experience: I found myself in a series of relationships “in which I made myself indispensible in return for the illusion of love and safety. If you think about what kind of person would want a person like that, you can imagine the general spectrum of…alcoholics, pathological liars, depressed people, irresponsible people, narcissists, BPDs, and finally the sociopath.”
And Oxy’s comment further points to the need for balance within us: “Even good things, to excess, such as excessive empathy, excessive giving, can become damaging to us. We need to practice, I think, MODERATION is all things, in caring, in empathy, in giving, in protecting ourselves, and in loving.”
Balance. Being a good person doesn’t have to mean being a doormat.
Steve, thanks for another insightful article. I got caught up by the end of this thread, and almost missed your piece.
I think that part of the issue you raise is how we ultimately judge people. Do we judge them at their best or their worst, their most frequent or their most extreme?
After come out of my first marriage with an alcoholic (the poet who died), I figured out in my 20s that saying “he’s really not like that” about his worst and scariest alcoholic behavior wasn’t helpful. He actually wasn’t like that when he was sober. But the more salient fact was that the relatively few awful experiences with him taught me that I always had to be worried about them. Even if he only did it once or twice a year, I could still die in the car with him or get injured in some other way by him getting out-of-control angry.
So what was real? What was real was that I was living in fear of something that had happened, and would almost certainly happen again. The fact that I didn’t know when only made it worse.
Twenty-five years later when I got involved with the sociopath, I had plenty of evidence from the beginning that he was a miserable human being who could be charming when he chose. But I thought I had my trade-offs for that.
What I didn’t anticipate was when something much, much uglier showed up. The situation was so nasty that I don’t want to describe it here, but it boiled down to him asking me to help him humiliate someone whose life he had already essentially destroyed, because he wanted to see that person finally and permanently implode. I got a view of a monster whose nose twitched in anticipation of the smell of destruction, and it so shocked me that I didn’t absorb it. I refused to participate and somehow just didn’t add it to what I knew of him.
I wish I had because it would have cast a different light on what I went through with him. Evil really isn’t part of my internal world, but ugly, uncivilized and wasteful are. In the years I knew him, I struggled with all of this things in his behavior, but I also wondered if I was being elitist, expecting him to have the polish when he didn’t have the background.
It wasn’t until after I got him out of my life, and was trying to understand the whole story that I realized I was dealing with a sickness that, by definition, not only bit the hand that fed it but imagined some triumph in destroying the whole damned source — for no other reason than it insulted his grandiosity by having the resources to give him. And in getting to that, I remembered this instance and a few others that so shocked me that I just couldn’t take them in. One of them was when, for once in his life, he told me the truth about how he felt about me and the money and living arrangements I was providing him. His feelings that it was all so below him and his expression of disgust and desperation was so beyond belief that, again, I spaced it.
I think that’s one of the problems about recognizing the dark sides with some of these people. It’s so beyond the pale, as far as what we expect or have seen before, that we fuzz out. My expectations of him were fairly low, and grew lower over time. But these little flashes of what was really going on inside there … well, when they’re so intermittant, brief and mindblowing, they overloaded my ablity to grasp, process or respond.
I’m a lot more sensitive about this kind of thing now. But it came from my recovery process, not figuring him out. One of the things I don’t accept lightly now is negative surprises, and of course, I don’t get involved with people now who aren’t my peers, no matter what’s thrown into the deal. He may have thought he was slumming, but I really was. And that was a wake-up lesson in self-respect.
Thanks again, Steve. As usual, another insightful and thought-provoking piece.
Kathy
Recovering: I wanted to tell you I enjoy your writing as well and Kathleen, your post really said what I’ve been thinking about alot lately – that the healthiest thing I can do is focus on me for a change. Oxy, I agree with you that we’re not sociopathic to look out for ourselves, but I can see that the meaning behind the term could be used more to set ourselves free to be inner-focused and more tunnel-visioned as the sociopath is, except in a ‘warm’ way towards ourselves.
Update: I have been reading here and watching actions in my own world…I did not receive any money yet and almost a week ago had a bit of
crisis with my man borrowing car (again, against my better judgment and he asked in usual I-need- to -go- now fashion and will be back very
soon, – then didn’t get back in till 3 a.m.). While he was gone, I noticed my guitar and case missing in my bedroom and on last call at 2 a.m.
or so, asked him about it – he said he didn’t know, then admitted he had taken it down to city and that it was in his friend’s garage! I said, why
would you do that? He’d already known how tight my finances were during time he’s been with me at my house over holidays as well as my saying I did not want to pawn my guitar – after he brought it up one day. So I was and still am blown away by that act of stealing, that’s what it was – and he agreed he’d bring it back but over next couple of days he came back up without it, saying it was at pawn shop and his friend would be picking it up. So I spent another day having him at my house, telling me all afternoon into evening that this friend was on his way up, then got a call and he said his friend had flat tire, then that he was checking into hotel, one thing after another until finally, I was SO TIRED and had said why don’t we drive over there ourselves and gotten turned down on that for some reason – I had gotten virtually no sleep the night before over situation – I walked in from my studio and just said – if you don’t tell me the truth about him and the guitar, I’m going to call the police and report it stolen! THAT got his attention and he said no, it was still down in city, that his friend had not driven up, essentially that he had wasted my whole afternoon and evening (I should have spoken up sooner of course) LYING about the whole thing…
So within next day he had job interviews in the city and went back down, I have not reported the guitar as he has promised to get it, that it is in
the pawn shop, and now the latest is that he is driving up tonight with it, but it is late and he is still waffling and not here. I have all his clothes
he’d packed, and shoes, bathroom items in my car trunk at the moment. That is a $400 guitar I bought in 2001 on layaway – I admit I have not
played it much lately or around him but I’m musical and it is a wonderful guitar that if I’d wanted to sell it (I’ve never pawned anything in my life!) it should be mine to do what I wanted with – and it’s so incredible that I’d told him I couldn’t afford to ‘loan’ him any more money so in a way, I just ‘gave’ him whatever the amount he got for the guitar!
Anyway, I may have to write off my guitar now…I live in a small town and don’t even feel like calling the police here to report it stolen now and
the details behind it. It is shame on me and Oxy, you were probably right – I should have cut my losses earlier during the holidays but we were
actually having a nice time together, and even yesterday and today I was trying to balance being happy and supportive with him on the phone
about his getting hired at a job in the city – genuinely pleased for him still while at the same time, still hoping to get my guitar back – who cares at this point about the money he has kept saying would be in my account – supposedly held up because of converting pesos into dollars…I know
and have known this has to wind down and stop – do you all think I should just write off my guitar at this point and use the ‘this is just not working for me’ and then go NC. You have all been patient with me, please go a bit easy as I’m just about to go out and see my sister in Denver who has taken more and more of a turn for the worse. I have only spoken to one friend about this, I speak with my sister but have long ago not spoken of him to her as it would only upset her in her last days. I have to just keep myself up emotionally at this point – the good news is that perhaps the guitar incident is that tipping point I seem to have needed – it’s called, get a life! (and get your own…)
Too long as usual, thanks for listening. I am grateful for a wonderful Christmas spent with my kids and new grandson (now 9 months old).
There are still many good things in my life with good friends and I did get a raise recently at work so my attitude is still decent – I know
there’s just more ‘dealing’ to do…some days I just want to lock myself in my studio and not deal with anyone…
Dear Persephone,
Sweetie, Yea, “I told you so” but you know what, that doesn’t give me any satisfaction and you’re out a guitar, but IF IT WAKES YOU UP, IT IS A CHEAP LESSON.
I have read and re-read and RE-RE-read this article of Steve’s cause it has hit me so squarely between the eyes like a sledge hammer.
It is RIGHT ON! But—HOW do you tell if it is just a “blip” or if it is malicious abuse? I’ve asked myself that question over and over and over, and I go back to the article Steve wrote about the DEFENSE MECHANISSM we need to avoid—looking at EACH little lie, each little “blip” as in INDIVIDUAL problem to be solved, and NOT looking at the BIG PICTURE.
We can “explain away” one little “white lie” or “one little takinhg something” but if we look at the PATTERN of lie after lie, theft after theft, and EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE we pretty well see that they will LIE TIL THE COWS COME HOME.
This is not a “mistake” it was not a “mistake” to take your guitar and pawn it, or to say his friend was brining it back, IT WAS A THEFT, A LIE, a BETRAYAL and he has done it over and over and over and over and you keep excusing him and looking at his LIES AS TRUTH.
It is like you say “he is such a great guy when he is not stealing my stuff, or lying to me!” NO! HE IS NOT A GREAT GUY WHEN HE IS NOT LYING OR STEALING, HE IS A CON MAN WHO WILL PRETEND TO BE NICE TO YOU SO YOU WON’T CALL THE COPS WHEN HE STEALS FROM YOU.
I am THE BEST at excusing the bad behavior of those I WANT to love me, but I am starting to see that the problem is not their abusing me, because it is MY PROBLEM FOR REPEATEDLY ALLOWING IT AND MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM.
I just told my son to get the hell out of my house, not because he stole from me, but because he told me a “tiny little lie”—-NOPE, not for a tiny little lie, not one, but the same thing over and over and over, because I forgave him each time, I excused him each time becfause I LOVED HIM and I didn’t want to believe he was an ARSE-HOLE, he isn’t even a psychopath, he is just an ARSE-HOLE who acts like a 15 year old who can’t get his priorities straight and you know what, it KILLS MY SOUL lthat he is that way, but I can’t change him for goodness sakes, he is 40 years old and it is time for his MOTHER TO GROW UP AND KICK HIS SORRY BUTT TO THE CURB, AND LET HIM FIND OUT WHAT THE REALL WORLD IS ABOUT, without any “fall back mode.”
The stroy of the “Prodigal son” in the Bible where the younger son wants his “share” of his daddy’s estate, and he gets it and takes off and lives “high wide and handsome” till the money runs out, then he takes a job slopping the hogs (the lowest job a Jewish man could take) and eats the slop because he is hungry. ONe day he wakes up and says “the servants in my father’s house have a better life” so he goes home and ASKS for a JOB. His father watches for him, misses him, worries about him, but DOES NOT go out and search for him, he waits until the son realizes he is destitute, then he welcomes the son, puts a coat on him and throws a party. but you know what, after that HE GIVES THE KID A JOB, doesn’t restore him another “portion” of the estate, he just gets a JOB like the rest of the servants, but he is still better off than slopping the hogs. He had CONSEQUENCES and the father didn’t enable him no matter how glad he was that his son was alive.
The Bible doesn’t tell us about how the young man was 10 years later, or what his life was like after the party, but you know, the thing is that we can give someone an OPPORTUNITY, but if they don’t take advantage of it, if they abuse us, or make choices, there are and SHOULD BE CONSEQUENCES.
We must look at the pattern of their behavior and SEE that pattern and STOP enabling them to abuse us. Our abuse is on OUR own heads if we allow it after we know what is going on. I THOUGHT (to myself) that I was giving my son ann opportunity, but I was enabling him because I didn’t look at the big pattern. Sure, he had been a “good boy” for 2 1/2 years, but you know, as soon as he put his foot over that line and lied to me, I realized I had trivalized all the other, earlier lies, and I DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE THAT AND I WONT.
It breaks my heart, but I can’t FOOL MYSELF ANY MORE. Honey, I am NOT “beating you up” but I SURE DO KNOW HOW IT FEELS to want someone to stop abusing you, but the only way is to STOP TAKING IT.
WE both deserve better than to be lied to. We both deserve to be treated with respect but we will ONLY get it when we INSIST ON IT and QUIT giving change after chance after chance. I’d say my son has had his last “second chance” and for what it’s worth, losing a guitar may be the best tuition you ever paid to the school of hard knocks if you get the lesson this time. ((((Hugs))))) and God bless us both!
Oxy:
I know you have been going through your own trials and have felt for you – I know you are still the strong, feeling Oxy we all admire – at the same time, even your own ‘setback’ or realization with your son shows how human you are – you are a good, feeling woman and mother who cares. I feel sad and disappointed in my own situation with this person not coming through for me – in my heart, there’s still that ember of hope but like Steve has hammered at us, it’s all those incidents of their NOT coming through, NOT ‘having our backs’ like they say they do…and like Kathleen said – it’s also about realizing your standards become as good or bad as the people or person you hang out with, that’s what I’ve felt lately. If that’s his way of treating a friend or lover, who needs that? And who wants such an insecure life never knowing the kind of treatment you’re going to receive from this person who you feel you love and supposedly loves you?
Its B.S. and I know it. Thanks Oxy, Steve, Kathy and all – and once again, thanks to Donna for making this safe haven for all of us – I can go to bed now and feel peaceful about it.
Oxy,
I absolutely agree with you about recognizing the pattern and STOPPING it. And realizing that we are the ones that perpetuate it, if we leave the door open for it. Even my S said that, when I left the door open while and after breaking up with him: “how many people does it take to really break this off?” he asked me. “Only one,” was my response, “If that one really wants to.” But I lingered for awhile, looking, looking. . . for that man I loved so much.
And that brings us back to that addiction thing. ICanSeeClearlyNow (the rain is gone. . . . ) I absolutely agree with your assessment of how sex is used to lure us in and addict us. Mine was an artist in that department, and when I left him one of the things I told him was I just couldn’t keep up with him! I think he accepted and was quite flattered by that reason for leaving him, as opposed to the real one, which was that I’d finally seen his performance for what it was, and it made my stomach turn cold. . . . and yes, it turned me off! It wasn’t that I couldn’t keep up with him, really; I just didn’t want to.
And again, dear Numb, I want to add that it seems to me that if you are at the point where you’re writing here (you said you’ve been reading this site/blog for a couple years(?),then you are probably ready to make a real change. Do not wait for him to discard you, because he won’t do it. I tried that, too, a little – I even worked on trying to make him so sick of me that he’d discard me, and one night he said “I know what you’re trying to do, but I won’t break up with you. I’ll keep you as long as I possibly can. If you want a break-up, you have to do it.” (at the same time, he kept threatening that if I broke up with him, he’d “come after me.” I began to realize it was either stay with him and let him squeeze the life out of me, or get away from him and endure the hell he’s still no doubt going to put me through, because he no doubt feels our break-up is entirely my fault. I felt I had a better chance at survival if I left, so I did.
But two months later (that’s me today) my brain is really clearing. Yes, I still have days where I’m scared he’s going to come and get me (I’m still absolutely convinced he’s going to kill me, some day.) But I can also see how much he deluded me and degraded me, and I realize that much of what happened while I was with him happened in that FOG someone speaks of above (oh, I can’t find the entry now!)
I do think you need to find a counselor, and go to one who knows how to deal with abused women. I went to three who really didn’t have a clue, and then I finally went to the local women’s shelter, where I met a dynamite counselor. I also go to a group with some very strong wonderful women who are fighting this same fight every day. It was very hard for me to realize that i had been abused, just as you are being abused, and your sons, too. But once I started putting things in those terms, and talking to real live other women who are dealing with the same fears and triumphs, I began to see that I could go back home (if home is that placid place inside of me that he stole from me.)
I’m so lucky, because I never married him (neither of us wanted to); never moved into his house (I refused to); didn’t have kids with him. My heart bleeds for those of you who have suffered this with a husband, or with children, either as fellow victims or abusers themselves.
Numb, I wish you strength and luck and love. You can do this, and when you extract yourself from this, you will feel so much better about yourself.
have a hug. . .