If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Habituation is a good explanation. When I was a Marine I never went on leave when things were really nasty in my unit. I knew that sustained stress had numbed me, but if I took leave the numbness would fade. As the leave period drew to a close, it would be that much harder to return to the unit and get accustomed to the unpleasant conditions again. Since I knew going UA was a really bad idea, I only went on leave when I knew I would be looking forward to reasonable conditions when I returned to the unit.
I’ve never had a serious problem with a family member, but I’ve worked with and for a few abusive people. They charm most of the people, most of the time. They only get nasty with people they consider to be subordinates or patsies. They cover for their bad behaviors by a combination of concealing the abuse and convincing observers that the recipiants of the abuse deserve it.
They try to convince the recipiants of the abuse they deserve to be abused. It’s hard to say to what extent they succeed, at least in the workplace. Most workers put up with the abuse simply because the pros of remaining still outweigh the cons. That’s not to say it’s not unpleasant, but everyone has their threshold. I know a few workers who pride themselves in being able to work for nasty bosses. They believe the draw down higher saleries and better benefits due to being able to work with these unpopular people. (At least one woman seems to get a charge out of being around the drama of a sociopath. She seems fairly decent, but her comfort level around an abusive person goes beyond tollerance to actual enjoyment.)
From what I’ve seen, some people are able to avoid the “devalue and discard” phenomenon most victims experience near the end of a relationship with the abusive person. I’d love to know how they accomplish this. It seems like a potentially useful skill.
I had at one time surmised that it might be intimimate involvement with the narcissist/sociopath. In many really unpleasant units, certain women enjoyed better conditions because of their relationship with an unpleasant supervisor. Longer and closer observation however, revealed the exact opposite. Intimate relationships with narcissists/sociopaths can coincide closely with the onset of the devalue and discard phenomenon. Whatever slows or stalls the devalue and discard pattern of behavior, it’s independent of intimacy.
At one time I wondered if the devalue and discard phenomenom coincided with the abuser having gotten all s/he wanted from the victim, but now I don’t think so. I’ve seen abusers devalue and discard at a point when doing so is “cutting off their nose to spite their face”. If the abuser had been able to behave him/herself a little longer, s/he could have avoided charges, kept a roof over his/her head, made more money off the victim, retained a highly skilled and very accomodating worker, etc. Evidently the abuse and discard part of an abusive person’s MO is independent of personal benefit.
I know, I know. Mr. Becker is writing about why people allow themselves to become accustomed to abuse in voluntary social relationships. That’s an important question that needs to be answered. If in the process of exploring Mr. Becker’s question, perhaps a few of mine will get answered.
I’d also like to know how some people manage to deal with Abusive Coworkers and Supervisors more successfully than others. It would be helpful to know if there is a set of skills anyone could acquire. I am interested because if an abusive person has a personality disorder, then they probably can’t change their behavior. Only reasonably well people can do that. In an ideal world abusive people wouldn’t have power in the workplace or in churches and civic groups. Since we don’t live in a perfect world, I’d like to acquire skills to deal with abusive people more effectively.
Elizabeth Conley
Some very good questions and hope most if not all get some kind of answer. I think that I do know that if anyone “was” involved in a toxic relationship and understood acknowledged and accepted that they were indeed abused and used. Will have a negative reaction to the next “toxic relationship” very early on after meeting this person albeit a emotional relationship or a supervisor unless they have somehow found a way to because immune to these toxicities. In short nether you will have a negative reaction to it or a type of immunity to it. People of course are different in many ways possible and some may in fact get some type of satisfaction from these dysfunctional relationships which is something that I will never understand. Or will I?
Having grown up almost from birth around animals and training animals, habituating the animals to various things that are not natural to them was one of those things that I instinctivly understood even from a young age, but just didn’t have a “name” for it until I went to college and started studying psychology and human and animal behavior.
Of course different species habituate differently in some things but over all humans are more like other mammals than different.
Also having grown up around the fall “hog killing” where the neighbors would come to my grandparents’ farm and bring their hogs for a “community hog killing” I was never squeemish around “blood and guts.” It was just part of everyday life.
But also, growing up around a family that “kept secrets” about family member abuse, I also habituated to that. It is only now as I move into “old age” that I have become aware of how I was habituated to allow abuse from family members “and pretend it didn’t happen” that I am truly aware of my own habituation—I no longer accept this abuse as “normal.”
Elizabeth, yes, there is a “set of skills” that can be developed for dealing with the abusive co worker, the abusive boss, and the abusive customer. I developed a program for the University of Texas at Arlington nurisng program which I called “Dealing with families (of patients) in difficulty, and difficult families” which is basicly tuning into the emotional needs of the family of the patient. When a patient has had such a thing as a terminal illness or a grave permanent disability, the family tends to be come “difficult” and demanding of the nursing staff. The staff then becomes defensive and “trouble starts.” By tuning into the diffcult person’s fears and needs, and being willing to act NON DEFENSIVELY the person becomes less aggressive and the situation “calms down” quickly. By making the nursing staff aware of why the patient’s family is being aggressive, it makes them feel less defensive.
This will work with normal people under stress, but will also at times work with even disordered people.
As far as a BOSS that is abusive. QUIT. As far as a co-worker that is abusive secretly or openly, sometimes there is no option but to MOVE ON TO ANOTHER JOB. Sometimes you can handle those people, but many times, depending on the situation, you have no choice but to endure or leave. I usually chose to leave if I couldn’t handle it. Probably about 50-50 if they were really bad. I’ve seen them destroy whole departments, whole insittutions, and whole corporations. Sometimes you just have to PUNT or cut your losses and move on.
Churches and “Politically correct” institutions I think are the worst at allowing abuse because if the abuser is caught and they “say sorry” everyone else is supposed to “forget it happened” and that is just SO WRONG, cause when they do it again and again and again, the victim is accused of “not forgiving”–DUH! Double whammy.
Yes, you become habituated. Or normalize it and don’t see it for what it is anymore. There was a moment of shock. But being so nice, we normalize it, we excuse it, we overlook it, we forgive it, we understand, we give a second chance. We have to learn to say WTF without shame and WALK OUT.
It is like a smell in a room. After awhile you can’t smell it anymore, but anyone who just walks in can!
As far as abusers devaluing “too soon” when there was more to get still, I think that they ALWAYS do the devaluing when it is in their best interests, it is just hard to keep in mind how they define their best interests. Mine told me to go home at the start of what was to be a fun, sex filled vacation that we had planned for months. He got off more on the power of the shock on my face at being suddenly devalued at such an unexpected time, and then my hurt, then he would have gotten off on the sex! Plus I think my total feelings of love for him at the start of that vacation were interpretted in his twisted mind as me being in control, and he couldn’t have that! If I could relive that day, I would spit in his face and laugh, tell him he is an idiot and WALK. The sad thing is, he is an idiot, retarded, permamently, when it comes to love, intimacy, emotions. But still I could and would say “NO MORE” to his face without shame now! I was even polite to a rapist once! No more!
It is a shock to think you are giving gifts from your heart (like sex), only to discover the other person was congratulating himself on having stolen them from you. Besides habitutation, it takes awhile to wrap your mind around the fact that you were both on the same stage, but in different plays! Or as I said to my therapist, it was like I thought we were playing one game, when he was playing another and suddenly he shouted “I WON! Game is over!!!” and I’m left going “HUH?!!!” and wondering how in the heck he won, when the prize I thought we were both after (love, commitment, life long friendship and support) is sitting right there, within reach I thought, and he just left. Then I looked around and realize he has stolen my heart, my values, my time, my self-confidence, my joy…and that was the prize he wanted.
For awhile I beat myself for becoming habituated, for having ignored all the red flags. But then I compared it to a rape. Sure I can look back and say I should have not been walking in a dark alley. I should have studied karate. I should have had a police escort. Whatever. But none of that changes the fact that HE did the attack! Without his attack, my carelessness with my safety would not have mattered! And sure, NOW I will do more to keep myself safe. To enable me to go forward without fear. But none of that means it was MY FAULT. The shame belongs to HIM not to me.
Well, guess I just needed to say that, a little off topic!
“I developed a program for the University of Texas at Arlington nurisng program which I called “Dealing with families (of patients) in difficulty, and difficult families” which is basicly tuning into the emotional needs of the family of the patient. When a patient has had such a thing as a terminal illness or a grave permanent disability, the family tends to be come “difficult” and demanding of the nursing staff. The staff then becomes defensive and “trouble starts.””
This is fascinating to me because we are on the opposite side of that situation. One of our children is quite ill with an unusual hearing and balance disorder. The child is facing years of painful and frightening medical procedures, plus a great deal of uncertainty. We are trying to be reasonable toward our child’s excellent surgeon and his very competent and gracious staff. I’m not sure to what extent we’re succeeding.
Will you please give me insights into what family/patient behaviors are most stressful for caregivers? We’d like to avoid these behaviors and maintain good relationships with these important people in our lives. I sense that the degree to which they see us as cooperative may well influence our child’s care.
It’s easy to get in because they fool you by being so nice at first and then hard to get out, because they make you feel so bad about yourself you can’t imagine ever having another relationship with a normal person. Because maybe YOU are the one that’s really crazy…(or too sensitive).
Dear Elizabeth,
First off I am so sorry to hear about your child’s problems. Yes, a family’s relationship with a caregive can really mean life or death.
I started off observing families of patients in nursing homes making UNREASONABLE requrests and attacks on the nurse’s aids, who are of course not highly trained professionals, but usually are competent caring caregivers.
The family would say something like “I”ve been ringing this bell for 30 minutes (not true) and you are just now responding” The aid would KNOW tht they had just left the room 5 minutes before and that “Mama” was dry, but the dtr who felt guilty that mama was in the Nhursing home in the first place had found mama wet. So she would attack the nurses aid. The aid became defensive and said soething like “Well, I can’t stay in here with mama all the time I have 12 outher patients” etc. So Dtr would feel that unless she raised hell, mama would be neglected, so she would complain to the state agency and so on.
So what I did was call the staff together and explain this to them, and give them a “set phrase” to say to Dtr instead of arguing (J A D E: Justify argue defend or explain) and they would say “I’m sorry I took so long to get here” Not saying HOW LONG “LONG” WAS, as it was obviously more than Dtr wanted, then listen to DTR and again no JADE, just “What can I do for you now that I am here” REPEAT TWICE if necessary. This finds out what DTR wants. without arguing.
If Dtr keeps complaining then staff is to say “I can see that you are very upset Ms. Dtr, let me get thenurse for you” Then the nurse comes in and listens and NO JADE, then says—you guessed it—“What can I do for you now that I am here?” Repeat twice if necessary, if that doesn’t work, the nurse is to say “I can see you are very upset Ms. Dtr, let me get the director of nurses for you.”
THE PERCEPTION THAT THEY ARE LISTENED TO makes the family feel that their loved one is being taken care of. sOME OF THE WORST PHYSICIANS I KNOW are the ones with the best bedside manners and the patients love them. Some of the best physicians have horrible bed side manners and get sued all the time. LOL
So, I suggest that if at all possible you “get along with” the staff, take them cookies, praise them to their faces, THANK them for everything and limit any complaints to VERY serious matters.
I’ve had professional and non professional staff work under my supervision who were wonderful and I have had the same that were WORTHLESS, and in situations where I had the authority, I have fired my share of both professional and non professional staff for both overt and covert abuse and neglect of patient welfare. It happens.
Good luck and God bless you and your child, I hope all goes well with his treatment.
ps. I also suggest that you keep a log of your son’s treatments and medications and all conversations with the physician just to keep yourself up to date with the changes etc. As well as keep a copy of his medical file ( each time he goes for a physician visit, along with labs) so that coordination of care can be done between different care givers.
This article opened my eyes to my own propensity of staying in an uncomfortable situations, not only relationships, but other situations. Looking back, I realise there have been many instances, where I have ‘endured’ situations far too long. In the case of my relationship with the N, at the end, friends were saying that they could see how bizarre things were and couldnt understand why I was still tolerating it. This article helps me to understand that, much more deeply. This explanation coupled with earlier experiences in my life, have also helped me to understand what made me vulnerable to this kind of relationship.
The big factor for me, was that I was aware of the red flags – that something was amiss, but unless I had proof I didnt want to be seen as being unreasonable, and so I didnt withdraw, even from an incomfortable point of reference.
God Bless to all my friends at LoveFraud.
Dear Justabouthealed. So well put and I so agree with you – in fact, I said the very same thing over and over “I thought I was putting my all into a particular kind of relationship (which he was leading me to believe) and the big shock, was realising that not only was that wrong, and that I was being exploited, but the relationship was the very opposite from what he was pretending it to be. For people who have never been through this experience – it is difficult to get across to people.
hey Beverly – would you want to exchange emails? just wanting to say hello – good too see ya here..