If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Laughing the hole way as they collect their million dollar pensions! 🙁 free market economy ???? right!
Indi: You guys run into more anti-socials … playing both sides of the fence … that’s why I don’t comment on it … for you to find a loving partner, good luck. Very far and few between …
My female boss had a female lover … the biggest user in the world … we used to talk girl talk when she was down in the dumps about her lover and of course my advise would naturally come out. She’s always ask me how I knew so much about gay lovers … I’d tell her, relationships have nothing to do with being straight or gay … users are users …
Period.
Peace.
It makes sense… and your right about putting a mirror in front of me. I guess I am feeling sad or lonely but it bothers me he doesn’t care or miss me… but I know he isn’t capable it still hurts. He has caused so much damage. And now I am questioning my own sanity as to why I would want someone like this to miss me. Vicious cycle.
Trinity, I too feel that there is a vicious cycle. Knowing that he doesnsn’t care about me or have feelings for me. Wanting him to but knowing he’s not capable. Too much damage has been done. I’m trying to figure out what happned to my key board. I have spaces where I shouldn’t.
Trinity
If we took a poll of the real people here who lost everything including the understanding from their own family members !
I’ll be 1 🙂 LOVE jere
I think that My Psyco will never be able to forget me because some of the things we did together are going to be his best memorys of his life ! I took him to the keys three times in one yr. Lobster diving ,fishing , Everglades experience ! Snake hunting ! where he caught a 6 ft. coachwhip snake ! Diving in the natural springs , collecting sharks teeth ! Camping ! He cant forget me! LOVE jere
Something else to consider. Some psychopaths use a persons strengths against them and this throws some folks and gets by their defenses. Many people are aware, at least in some way, of their own weaknesses and tend to be sensitive/guarded about them. Not so with their own strengths.
People who have a great deal of empathy and care deeply and passionately about people and causes/beliefs are people who have changed the world and left their marks on history. It is this strength that carries them through.
But if the psychopath can find a moment of vulnerability and get their hooks into a person they head right for their strengths. They then turn the perception of these strengths into weaknesses so by the time the psychopath is gone the person now perceives their own strengths as a horrible lingering weakness they often can not seem to shake or figure out.
And because this perception has been changed problems can linger for years or forever. The perceptions need to be put back to where they were and strengths needs to be seen as strengths again. You still care about him/her even after everything that has happened? Not a weakness, its a strength. The ability to care about someone deeply and passionately even after they have treated you horribly is a noble thing (and for the christian crowd it is christ like). How you see it and what you do with that strength is what needs to change.
I may love peanuts and long for them, pine for them, yes even crave them. But if I have a severe peanut allergy I certainly will have no contact with them. The same applies to the psychopath (though I am stretching the peanut analogy a tad).
So think about it in this light before you are critical of yourself. I think some will find that what they think are weaknesses are in fact strengths and they have just had their perceptions of them warped and this is one of the things that causes such deep and lasting damage on some people.
I am so sad right now. Looking at all these people and all this pain and hurt and heartache. Sitting here myself questioning the very future of my own life. Wanting nothing more than to wake up from this horrible nightmare and into loving arms. I have never felt so abandoned and alone before in my life. The amount of hurtful things said to me and I don’t just mean cursing or name calling Im talking personal attacks against me as a person I feel so low. I try every day to get up and and keep going and I don’t know why he has such a devestating hold on me. I know all the facts and have read books and have read others stories and even with all the facts it doesn’t make the pain any easier for me. BloggerT7165, what you said made so much sense and you have no idea how wise you are… that is exactly what was done to me. He took my strengths and ruined me. He turned me against myself until I felt I had broken every moral rule or code I lived by and I felt like a shadow of a human being. I now know exactly when he figured all this out and when he targeted me and he targeted my kindness. He took my kindness and played on it and than turned and used it against me. Even now I feel love for him because my feelings were real. I know he doesn’t love me because he wouldn’t have done this to me but I wish it was different… how much love I had for him… I would have traded my life for him… and now I feel he would like nothing more than that…
Today is his birthday… and I am struggling with keeping no contact from him… this is not going to be a good day. I feel guilty for not contacting him on his birthday…. why?! Did he ever feel guilty for hurting me?…
It’s been five years that I have been living a nightmare. Some peace comes, but it seem I am always waiting for a storm to hit. I have a child with a sociopath. My son is 3 years old. I also have two other children that are not his but he also has affected them.
I am going to start from the beginning” I met him thru a friend. He seem to be everything I was looking for, little did I know what that future was going to hold. I became tangled in a wed of lies, betrayal. I found out a few months later that he was living with a female, he claim they bough a house together and his name was on it. He said he was trying to get out and they were like roommates. So I believe him. A few more months passed by and nothing was happen. I was trying to get out. I would not answer calls, it seem like he just never quit. He was always there. He plays me messages from the bank about the house get refinance so he name will be off. He was just buying time. Finally, I had enough. I broke everything off. Three weeks later, I found out I was pregencey. I told him. He come over that night and told me it could not be mine he had a vasectomy. I didn’t believe him. He called his doctor about an appointment to get a sperm count rate in front of me. We went to the office and he sperm count showed up with none. But he was still sticking around. Now the story change, Wait till I find out about the child before I leave the house. I though I was going crazy, I knew he was the only one I was with. My pregnancy was so hard, and I thought I was going to lose it. Because of him I even began to doubt myself. I ended up calling the female and she had no clue. Then I found out that he had another child that he does not see. So my child made three. It was like he was living so many secret lies, and I was in too deep to get out. The one he was living with ended up leaving him but continue a relationship. Now I was one not aware of this. My child was born and he was there, and the day we when home with baby I set up at appoint to get the DNA test. A couple of week later, the test came back and he was his. I never forget that day, he act so surprised in his voice like he was sure that it was not his. I thought everything was going good until I looked at his phone it was not only I but also 2 other women. I spoke to one and she had to idea about my 6-week-old son or me. He would call me starting a 4 in the morning, show up at my house. He found out I was petitioning the court for custody. He began going thru my thing. Lock himself in my room. Then my child became a game. I would let him take him while I went back to work. We both work in law enforcement. He locks them up and I watch them. The crazy thing I work with sociopath. I see them lie, manipulate. But I never realize he was one until well I started counseling when I was pregnant with my son. And the couseler told me he was a sociopath. I never knew what one was until I came to this website which was years later. I wish I would of have looked it when the couseler mention it to me. Then I found out he was leaving the state. He would tell one thing and then another. He gave my son 15 minutes before he moved out of state. I found out he was seeing other women not the one he lived with but another one. He is a police officer both in the state I live in and the state he moved to. I had no address; I didn’t even know where he lived. He set up a PO Box so he could not get serve with court papers. He would not tell me even when my son’s insurance expired. One day he came back to my state. I set him up and call the server over when he was coming to see our son. He had my son the next and I called him from work. He stated that he was talking our son to other state and told me to say goodbye to him and he placed the baby on the phone. I lost it and left work. I trying to call the police but no custody was established. I was so upset and when I got the baby back he just laugh at me. Then my sister set me up with attorney that was her friend she was working with if I need her for court. When he went thru my things, he hired an attorney at the same place that her friend worked. Mine would count because it was on the side, and he already paid his attorney. I had to get a new attorney he knew I could afford one. My new attorney tried to remove his attorney off the case because of a conflict of interest. But the judge allowed him to only touch the child support not anything else. When he left the state his income dropped down $20,000 so I got stick with pretty much everything. Most of the daycare, the insurance. It like the court didn’t care he quit his job, lower his income, and ran away. My son was 4 months old when he left. A parenting time order came in to affect which he never follows. Everything is a fight, he needs to win. I wrote the court over and over nothing worked. I then found out that he got marriage. He would show up and it was like he was not here to see his children but to make his rounds. A year passed, he showed up at my house, he looked broke like he was empty and he started crying telling me he wanted to come home, he missed his son. Told me he was going to get his old job back.
Knowing in my mind I want a family. To have a mom and dad at home. He played on my heartstrings. I began to believe again. I now know I was not in love with him I was in love with a fantasy in my mind. But I over look everything for that fantasy.
I just wanted him to do the right thing, he told me he was filing for a divorce. But another 5 month passed and not changed. He wanted a family here in my state and a family in his state. I demand respect knowing that he never respected me from the beginning. Then all the pain started again. Alls I was chasing a dream, but I was putting my self thru a nightmare. Its like it does not stop. I have trying for years to stop but it like he wont quit. I didn’t answer the phone the calls get worst or he shows up here. Crying about our son, telling me he loves me. I stopped the relationship; again because I put myself back in what I got myself out of. I start counseling, again. I am a middle class, hardworking mother. He likes to live the high maintenance life with his new wife. He didn’t want to leave her money his big house and nice car for an average lifestyle. I am proud of myself because I earned everything I have. But he would say thing to make me feel less. He would send these expensive toys for our son. I am scared he will buy my son love. So I cut all communicate off with him, and two months go by and he taking me to court to try to get my son out of the state. He only seen him in the last few years a max of 6 times. He wrote I letter that was filled with lies, he made me look so bad. Just more lies. He doesn’t care about our son; it’s about me winning the game. He was pushing, and working me to where I wanted to give up. I didn’t. I picked up overtime for months, wore out and tried. I hired an attorney to write my response. He shows up here and we both when to the hearing. He stated lies, and the order was change. When the order came he didn’t like it. I just want him to take his responsibility for our child and leave me alone. But my son can’t leave state until his 5 years old. I have at least two more years. I follow the advise from the attorney to let the courts know when he violates the order. He did, he didn’t show up for a visit. I got the courts to limit his call in that order to. The courts order a show cause hearing. He hires another attorney but I could afford one. Well, alls this show cause did was change the order again. He again beat the odds. The phone call changed as well now he call more then once. He always telling the courts I am police officer I would never do that. I am tired of going to court, fighting, but I need peace. My son is better off with out him. He only bother me not the other mothers. I think its because I have his son the other are females. I need help, how do I move forward when he is always there on the phone, at my house. I tried to talk to his wife but that is a lost cause she believe every word he says. His family had no contact with us. I asked him to sign up off on my son, he wont. I like he wont be happy to he defeats me. I feel like this will never end. I can’t believe the courts did not see thru his games. I love my children with all my heart. When he calls for the child, he always talks about me. He blames me for keeping him from his son. He blames me for everything. Then even at court he was walking telling me he still loves me and follows me when I went to pick up my son. At least with people around he acts normal. I hate the games he plays with me. I just want to protect my son. Also it’s like I always waiting for a storm to come and it’s hard to move forward.