If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Yes Justabouthealed, and he got the same ‘hit’ off me too, by giving me his old mobile phone (he had bought a new one), watching me turn it on, and watching my reaction (as he had left all his ‘floozies’ phone numbers in the contacts). The next big prank was to suggest we go to a market and when we got there, he went off on his own for 2 hours, when we met up, he was sitting next to a woman (who walked off in a huff) whom I was sure he had arranged to meet there. What a bizarre situation that was. From that, I then realised what he was ‘showing’ me, that I would have to endure. I finished with him two days later – threw him out – that was the last straw. At the end, all the pieces came together, why he used to disappear – how he played with my feelings – bombarding me with text messages when he was coming back from holiday, how he missed me and then when I met him at the station – I realised he just wanted a lift! Yes, it was all about control – but because I am a kind hearted person, he really took me for a ride.
Hiya Henry, really good to hear from you. Yes, great, contact Donna to ask her for my email. How you doing? Are you keeping well – and good???!!
I love these articles by Steve Becker – he has the knack of capturing really important elements of these kinds of relationships – and he explains it, so it makes complete sense. Thank you. Steve Becker
When I read this article and use it as a mirror to myself. Although I have had relationships with cheaters, this is the second relationship I have had with someone with personality disorder. The first one, was when I was 30. I only went out with the guy for 6 months and he virtually disappeared, but I can remember feeling very ‘punctured’. When I met the N, I kept saying to him that he reminded me of someone I went out with when I was 30 – and of course, I have now come to understand that they were both similar because they were both Narcissists, eventually leading me to the realisation that my father was also an N (none of my father’s 3 wives realised it) and my mother developed a mental illness when she was with him – I think he helped to send her round the bend.
The getting out is also hard, because of the mind control and manipulation they carry out – they literally weaken their prey, until they cant think straight – and if they bleed their partner financially – that is an extra channel to bleed energy from – cos money is a form of energy. I can see a friend of mine, feeling very bowled over from just having met a guy – and I am asking her to hold back, until she gets to know him better, to find out who he really is – a run in with a PDisordered person really changes your perception.
beverly your post are always so right on the spot – [they literally weaken their prey, until they can’t think straight] I made so many dumb decision’s when he was here – I knew they were dumb when I did it but did it anyway – and finally I was just a mess – money – health – sanity were all gone – and he said [ I have to go be me] well he left and overtime I can see where he was deliberatly doing thing’s to make me crazy – blame shifting – gas lighting – threat’s – it was just madness – I am me again – back to the normal crazy screwed up me and it is wonderful!!!!
“Yes, you become habituated. Or normalize it and don’t see it for what it is anymore”
No doubt this is true but only if you only know that type of reality. Being raised in a dysfunctional family then marrying someone who also shares these type of qualities. The person never see a life any different then what has been presented as “normal” behavior but in fact isn’t. Which brings me to my personal experience because I knew something was wrong with our (my ex and I) relationship. I knew it and felt it like sharp glass pieces cutting into my mind and soul. But then I was lucky enough to have lived in both type of families as I was growing up. I seen and experience a comparison between a loving and caring family and one that was in every possible way dysfunctional.
Having now grew up I now also see not only what that type of family environment will do to the parents and the out come of their many “bad” choices but also their offspring’s and the long term effect it had on them. Being a child of four siblings saw how most of them never could stop this cycle of abuse. Like me they to had the same chances as I insomuch that we when under the care of the children’s home we lived at and had counseling and some good role models. The two that indeed spend a lot of time around my sociopathic mother fair the worst in life and in short suffered the most both physically and psychologically from her abuse. Living with this person (sociopathic mother) was a decision that the state of Illinois gave them (my brother and sister) and in fact they gave me to same “deal” but I refused it at the age of thirteen. My choice was one stay in that state and lived with Mommy dearest or two go back to Chicago were no one was there waiting for me other then a group home. My alcoholic father at this time period wasn’t in the picture. I knew he still lived in Chicago but his whereabouts were unknown to me at this time. What did I do? I took my butt back to Chicago! So I am still asking myself the same questions! Why didn’t my siblings learn anything in therapy?
Why didn’t they too make a comparison between good role models and those that was bend on destroying themselves and anyone they could take with them? Was I just luckily? Did I win some type of lottery? Or did I just see something they didn’t? Why? Why? Why?…
This doesn’t mean I walk away without scars. Oh no I have more then plenty of them but each day I try to understand them. Heal those that I can and accept those I can’t. But I also can see how much worst my life would have turn out if I didn’t accept the fact that I was abused as a child and that it wasn’t my fault. But also I didn’t waste my time hating and blaming my abuser(s) no in fact I feel sorry for them in short had showed empathy for them and I still do today. What I do now is my responsibility but back then I didn’t have the control I have now for my personal life! I was a just a child being lead by people who all told me that they care for me! Some really did but still others didn’t. I just learned early to see the different!
Hello, Beverly, glad to see you back on the blog. This is a good thread isn’t it? Yes, I see myself there, “habituated” to the abuse, not even realizing it is abuse most of the time with most of the Ps. Thinking I am giving my “all” for my family, when in fact, I am/was the “patsy” and don’t/didn’t even know it. LOL
At least, now, I can look back and see these things more clearly and I’m far enough out from it all that I no longer cringe or hurt from the realization of what a “patsy” I was. LOL It is amazing how “we” (victims and former victims) have as much in common with each other as “they” (the psychopaths) do. It is like they play with the Psychopathic Rule book and we play with the Victims Rule Book. But the game is certainally not “fair” as their rules change all the time and no matter what we do as long as we stay in the game, we LOSE.
None of us like to “lose” so we just keep “trying harder” and STILL LOSE, but it never occured to me that I even COULD QUIT THE GAME. I didn’t even want to quit the game for so long, not until the pain got so terrible I had to. Even then I felt bad/guilty for abandoning the game, abandoning my “family” members—-talk about “brainwashed”–whew! I am glad I finally “read the label” and got “dry cleaned” instead. Keeps your gray matter from shrinking!
Keep well, Bevie! Hugs and more hugs!
Hello Oxy, Yes, great article – it explains yet another puzzling piece, helping us to connect it altogether, seeing how these patterns are formed and how in a sense we are in the dark. My eyesight is getting duller as I get older, but my clarity is getting better! The strange thing is Oxy, that whilst I was going through it all, I kept phoning a friend of mine, telling her that he was doing odd things, and she kept saying well that is the way he is, so I was constantly over riding my intuition. But now, we know the pattern and the crazy making behaviour, we know that we will never repeat those horrendous times again. I know what you mean about the pain becoming so terrible and of course there is that family loyalty responsibility thing that alot of us have learned to dump along with the abuse!! You take care Oxy, you sound as though you are doing real well. Love and hugs to you too.
Dear Henry, yes, they are masters of chaos and I was looking at a men’s magazine which had articles about the ‘dark knight’ – the Riddler and I think now that this archetype is beginning to surface.
Dear James, I think the answer to your question, is that although we may have siblings, we are each on our own individual path. My brother and I share the same parents but we are very different. I believe that the aim of life’s journey is to learn and grow and each person has their own individual mix of experiences. If you learnt something that your siblings did not learn so readily, be thankful that you were given the gift of insight which helped you to make the right choice at the right time. My brother and I are different, he has done very well for himself and I have spent alot of my life feeling downtrodden for having had to struggle for much of my life – but now I realise that because we are each unique, that in fact we cannot make a comparison. When I give up the tendency to make a comparison, I realise that my daughter and myself have so much depth that I have to feel thanks that all the difficulties I have endured have made me who I am.
But, once the trauma of these relationships has passed, to get the hidden treasure from the experience, because where there is pain, there IS gain, I found myself looking back – like you – to my childhood – and so many questions I had, have now come to light and been answered.