If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Elizabeth, You are quite welcome. I’ve been on both sides of the problem, as a patient and as a caregiver so it is one of those things that is walking a tight rope.
When my mother went to the hospital for major surgery while my step father was home with cancer, I arranged for 24 hr care for my mother in the hospital from friends and family. I had it divided up into 8 hour shifts. The first night after surgery I took the first shift.
Because hand washing is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in preventing infection in surgical patients, I posted a sign on the door outside the room “Please wash hands before touching patient.” So in the morning when the day shift nurse cand the aid came in to do mother’s vital signs neither of them washed their hands before touching mother. I nicely asked them to do so, and the aid went immediately to wash her hands at the sink in the room. The RN however, told me that she didn’t need to because she had used the “sanitizer” outside the room on the wall.
I asked her again to wash her hands because she had opened the door with her hands that she intended to touch my mother with. She then went into a diatribe about how the sanitizer was much better than soap and water.
The third time I got up in her face (violating her “space”) and said in a very FIRM voice, “either wash your hands NOW or go get the nursing supervisor.” She went “Humph” and washed her hands.
Since I had been an employee of that hospital for over 10 years (but was not at that time an employee) I knew the director of nurses personally and wrote her a 2 page letter detailing how disappointed I was in the care there from that nurse and suggested that the nurse teach hand washing courses for her “consequences” to this behavior.
First off, my request was reasonable. Secondly, if my request had been for her to turn around to the left 3 times before touching my mother, she SHOULD HAVE HONORED THIS REQUEST OUT OF COURTESY.
Even with all the precautions taken, my mother’s wound became infected, burst open and took three months to heal with daily care, probably costing thousands and thousands of dollars for salaries of home care nurses, equipment and supplies.
Havning at one time been an infection control nurse in a hospital and with the continual rise in the “bugs that ate new york” in hospital acquired infections which are resistent to almost all antibiotics, I am a bit more than paranoid about infection. But I also try to get reasonable compliance with staff by “honey” rather than vinegar, but if necessary I can spread on “battery acid” if I think it is important enough or if the staff’s ATTITUDE is hateful.
I don’t doubt that I am a “demanding” patient, but most of the time my demands are met with a smile, I am also a demanding caregiver in that when I managed hospital units my patients received the best care possible and with the most caring attitudes. I have “fought” doctors, nurses, administrators and other staff to ensure that patients received what they needed and most of the time I have “won” in that the patient got what they needed.
There’s an old joke about “what do you call the doctor that finished LAST in his/her medical school class? DOCTOR of course.” I know his NAME! LOL I’VE WORKED WITH HIM/HER SEVERAL TIMES.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to send me messages and help me to not contact him. I am having a horrible time dealing with this but I just keep thinking of all the pain I had to deal with on my own and all the nights I cried myself to sleep. I guess part of me still thinks he can change and I need to keep telling myself no… he is never going to be like I “thought” he was in the beginning. I am doing my best to stay strong and stare down this evil… its a lot harder than I thought. Thanks to everyone who said they liked my name :] and yes it does have two very personal meanings to me which were mentioned. Its a word of faith and strength. Keep strong everyone.
I know this isn’t exactly what the topic is about but I needed to write my thoughts down. I keep going back and forth just like he did with me. I felt like a toy that was to be taken out and used and humored every once in a while and than put back and expected to remain silent and keep my head down while I knew in my heart he wasn’t doing right by me. There were so many times I was in his home and I ran into the bathroom to control myself from crying in front of him and I’ve even bitten through my lip and was bleeding to stop any kind of emotion so he couldn’t smile in my face or humiliate me or tell me I was selfish and childish for being upset about what he was doing. Telling me he was going to abandon me one day but he thought it was better to tell me and rip my heart out and never to my face always behind a screen or phone. The only time he yelled things in my face was when he was also getting in my face to back me down to show me how weak and helpless I really was against him. Making me feel like I ruined everything and wasn’t good enough so I tried ever harder… seeing his manipulation… I tried even harder. I gave up everything inside of me just to please him because… I thought he loved me somewhere deep inside I thought there was something that resembled a human being. Every time he touched me I felt a little more alive as if a simple touch was the equal of love but that was all I had at the time and it was better than nothing. I would sometimes cry after he touched me or after being intimate with him and he would just walk away. That is the ultimate feeling of being degraded as a human being. Watching him with his back to me I would cry silently and feel myself die inside a little each time saying but he looks just like me he is a person how can he not feel? How many times I took his hand and held it over my heart and asked if he cried for my pain if he felt anything at all. How many times I put my hand over his own heart and pleaded with him to let me in and to let me understand him and to love him. How he just looked at me and looked away as if I said nothing at all. How I looked into his eyes and seen black and evil and sometimes I could look into his eyes and see the reflection of myself… how could I not reach him. How I could almost feel his pain of not understanding love and how I wanted to save this person I loved so much and didn’t know why. The more I reached out the more I lost myself. I began to feel his rage and I began to feel insane myself going over and over again in my mind trying to make sense of the confusion. Watching him simply look at me and say I want to be with other people and no I won’t replace you… as I’m watching him do that very thing. How I mean nothing at all. How he is charming to others and vicious to me. How he can not feel bad for what he has done to me. Breaking every promise that I held close to my heart only now to look at the future with fear. Its no longer me and him vs the world its me vs him and I can’t seem to win or don’t even know if I can or want to. Not contacting him has given me time to think and learn but the more time goes on it doesn’t get easier it gets harder and he doesn’t even miss me or care. How do you defend yourself against such things? Will I ever be the same again? No… “there are some hurts that go to deep that have taken hold”
How do you deal with a sociopath when you are tied to him with a child? How do you make them respect you?
If I enforce the no contact rule, which I have tried many of times. It gets worst. He calls more, calls my job, and my family or I even end up in court. If I answer the phone, and talk so things didn’t get worst, it holds me to the past. It is like he won’t let me go, even though he has moved on.
Hi Trinity:
Remember i sufferred almost the same fate as you did. What was bad in the beginning but being without him torturing me is much better in the long run. Don’t think you’ll be sad forever. Look at it this way. I can let this sadness run its course, or, I can continue to contact and maybe we can be together again in the same hell. Get out while you can. Save yourself…you cannot save him.
If you don’t get out, you may never experience the love you really want. I don’t know about you, but I’d love someone whose kisses have meaning. Someone who puts his arms around me because he loves me.
Look at the abuse cycle. One day, they put their arms around you and it feels like love, the next they demean you and spit on you. Then they act like nothing happens the next day and put their arms around you again….around…and around…and around we go. This keeps you in check. So you’re always craving for those arms to be back around you the way they were so you take the abuse part. My ex would fight with me and walk out the door to the OW as part of the abuse. He used to come home like nothing happened and say he wants to work things out. When he wanted to see her again, well, you get it…around..and around..and around we go.
Trinity, he may as well just take these other woman to your home and do it with them right in front of your face! Now you don’t need that! STOP! There’s a fork in the road…TAKE THE OTHER PATH. THE PATH TO HAPPINESS.
If you call him, it’s not going to stop the abuse cycle.
TRINITY, be good to yourself. Cry it out or Blog Blog Blog but please don’t call that idiot.
Trinity and Anna,
Keep reading as much as you can, not only on this site but outside readings. I recently read “The Sociopath Next Door” and found it very helpful in understanding this type of “person” (I use the word “person” loosely). They are not capable of respect. They do not have depth of feeling like normal people have. It’s horrible when you find out just what you are dealing with. You hope for some shred of humanity, but there isn’t. People like this do exist, and it’s a hard pill to swallow. The only way to recover is to just walk away. They cannot be saved.
Knowledge is power. The more you learn about sociopaths, the more you will see how dangerous they are. It will help you during times when you are missing him. You will see that what you are missing is a fantasy and not real love.
Anna, I don’t have children, so I am not the most qualified to give advice to parents. However, I believe that the most important thing in dealing with a sociopath who is the parent of your child is that there is NOTHING you can do to change their behaviors, to get better treatment from them, or to get them to respect you. They violate boundaries and they can care less about your feelings. You cannot change what they say to do to the child when the child is with them. All you can do is try and minimize the contact as much as you can. And don’t react to their games.
Dear Anna,
It is difficult to deal with them when you have a child, and especially if they have court enforced visitation.
In dealing with BEHAVIOR in any animal species, one that is INTERMMITTENTLY REWARDED is a stronger behavior than one that is rewarded every time. That’s how slot machines get people to keep putting money in because they reward the behavior intermittently and each time the person thinks, THIS IS IT! Even if they don’t get the reward that time, they think NEXT TIME, FOR SURE.
I’m an animal trainer and have watched this “trick”and used it all my life in working with animals.
Also, if you give a rat a piece of corn INTERMITTENTLY but then stop ging him the corn when he pushes the lever, he will POUND ON THE LEVER for hours, still expecting to get a piece of corn. If you don’t give him one piece of corn for ever 1,000 pushes on the lever, he will still continue to pound on that lever.
Your x is the same way, he is POUNDING on you to get contact. Contact of any kind, negative, neutral or positive, is his REWARD, because it shows him that if he POUNDS ON YOU ENOUGH TIMES YOU WILL EVENTUALLY GIVE IN. So he ups the behavior (trying to get contact) until you eventually give in.
In order to break this cycle, you will have to stay strong. FOR A LONG TIME, because he has always “won” in the past, he will think that if he just keeps upping the behavior he will eventually win—he always has in the past.
I don’t know how you have the child visits etc set up, but you might work it so that someone else hands over the kid or supervises the visit or drops off the child and picks them up.
Don’t answer the phone. Advise your work that he is harassing you, and not to put him through. Don’t call him back, but e mail him (that way you don’t have to hear his voice or see his face.)
I have to have limited contact with my mother because we are both co-trustees of our family land trust, but I do it mostly by e mail , or I send my sons to take messages or papers to her rather than face to face or phone calls. If she calls my phone I let it go to voice mail. I don’t call back, I have my son do it.
I made the mistake once of thinking I could deal with her on a face to face or telephone basis, and I got away with it for a while but then I got a NEW AND BIG INJURY from her so now I have made the boundaries stricter and I stick to them. I don’t find out information about her and I do my best to see that she doesn’t get information about me if possible.
Go to Dr. Leedom’s site (it is on the left side of the screen when you scrowl to the top) about “parenting the at risk child” and you should get some good advice there. Since your child is the child of this P, you will need that information anyway.
My guess is that he will use the child as a weapon to harass you if you allow him, but if he sees only the child and not you, then most of his purpose is not available to him. I can guarentee that the company of an infant is not something he wants. If he is not paying support, I would make sure he does, and then if he objects to that (he most probably will) then give hi a choice, sign the kid over or pay support. Sometimes that will work, especially if they can’t or won’t pay support.
I am just grateful to God that I didn’t have a child with a man like this! My heart goes out to you. (((Hugs))))
Ok so this is the millionth time I said this but today is his birthday and I didn’t contact him all day and he is text messaging me now… I can’t do this. I feel like a criminal.
What does he mean Trinity?
Trinity,
You can have your text messaging blocked like i did. This way, you’ll never see texts coming in. It helped me alot. I know it’s a weak moment but say you do answer. Say he says sweet things to you and you are back in his arms. Will he love you? Truly love you? Or will the abuse start up again?