If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Yes Iwonder, I changed my phone number and my bank account cards.
He isn’t saying much just random things but I feel like I can’t do this… I feel horrible right now.
Trinity, If you feel tempted to reply, read the post you posted today at 1.30
trinity: your 1:30 post could have been written by me. it’s almost EXACTLY the same situation, the same feelings, the same confusion. they’re pods, my dear. all born of the same twisted womb. spawns of satan himself.
now, things will get better. mine just called me after 3 months like nothing happened and actually said (after getting his new gf pregnant and telling me horrendous things not worth going into here!): ”i’m not sure how upset you are with me, but i need a favor.”
so…be grateful that he doesn’t want you. i was doing well, now i’m obsessing again. i would never trust him as far as i can see him!
you must have NC! period! no ifs ands or buts. if you even let him breathe in your ear, you’re right back where you started. they are NOT human! they are NOT feeling! they have NO soul … no spirit.
it is absolutely incomprehensible how they are the way they are. stop trying to figure it out. it will make you more crazy than he did when you were together.
and it will get better. take care of yourself. do something nice for you. meditate. take a nice long bubble bath. listen to classical music. nurture your wounded soul.
and know that you experience is common to us all in more ways than you can know.
peace…
OMG, it’s his birthday!?!?! another freakin’ scorpio!?!?!
the worst kind of sociopath! scorpion sociopaths!
ewwww….
mine had a birthday last week. it was the first time in 20 years i didn’t see him or call him on that day. it was torture but i made it through. it drove him crazy, and now he called to talk to me.
do NOT answer your phone. do NOT text him back. do NOT see him under ANY circumstances.
when you have NC … YOU win!
Your right, thank you.
Trinity: My ex is a Scorpio too. B-day 10/28. You know what helps me not want to get involved again? The thought of having sex with him…especially after he’s been with OW. Now think of that my dear and you’ll say to yourself, “Ewwww!”
one more thing, trinity.
here’s what a friend said to me when i said how guilty i felt for not responding to his ‘need’ to speak with me.
”there is a difference between responding to a friend in need; one who has been there for you, and helped you, and loved you, and in responding to someone who has chosen to undermine you, lie to you, cheat on you, deceive you and threaten your very existence”
’nuff said.
Hi Lostingrief, its scary when you write something and people know exactly what your talking about or read something and your like yes! thats him. Ive been dealing with the idea of him not having a soul… how could he? After everything he has done I think he actually expects me to do something nice for him. I’m sitting here feeling like a criminal when he should be feeling like a criminal for everything he has done. This site has been my life line and I am grateful for people like you to calm my fears and help me. Thank you.
The last thing you wrote is very true… nothing more to be said. He tried to lure me in with the but your my best friend… I love you… oh but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you because I like or am seeing other people…. are you kidding me? After almost 4 years together. And he didn’t understand why I was upset. He wants everything and doesn’t care about anyone but himself.