If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Trinity: Do you have any thing of his in your home that is his or reminds you of him? In celebration of his birthday, perhaps you should form a cleansing ceremony. Toss everything out that has a memory or that is his.
The day i found out about the OW, I enjoyed very much walking back and forth to the garbage dumpster…only selecting the most finest items that I knew were his prize possessions to toss. I said, “Wheee, there goes the favorite Steelers jersey! and flung it in.” Next went huge containers of his protein powder, etc. etc. I tore up our photos in itty bitty pieces. Deleted his phone number from my phone, etc., etc.
Iwonder, I’ve been thinking of that all day. I’m figuring thats all he wants from me. I don’t want him to touch me or even look at me. He claims he never cheated… but the girls are there and I even found a condom wrapper on his floor… he said it was from us… nope. It was a package for one condom… not from us. So how can I believe a word he says?… Im disgusted.
Iwonder, I actually did some of that myself this week. I changed my email and all my online stuff so he can’t get a hold of me and deleted anything I had on the internet he could try to contact me. When this all first started I actually went to hise house and put everything he gave me on his front porch… he has most of it. Its in a box in his room. I have pictures and some of his clothes and a ring he gave me left… I have been thinking about mailing the ring back to him… Im having a hard time throwing it out…
Oh Boy, My ex wanted to see me 2 mos after I tossed him out and found out about the OW. I said, “No!” As long as you are with her, I cannot see you. Sorry. I will not be a part-timer. I think he wanted to see if he may still be able to have 2 women. He was so used to it. He’d see her, then me, back to her. No Deal. When i confronted him, I asked if the OW knew about me. He said yes. I asked “when?” He did not reply. I said, “how could she do that?” He said, “well, as long as she was aware of the situation.” My head spun. The “situation??” I wonder what the F “situation” he explained to her it was. So when he wanted to get together I said, “no. I’m not going to be understanding of your “situation” (living with another woman that is.)
My point. As soon as they have an understanding that you will not be played like a fiddle, they will stop contacting you.
Scorpios… must be the devils birth sign…. for sociopaths.
Trinity! The condom wrapper is the truth! At least yours used condoms LOL!! Mine is just a disgusting pig hoping to get another woman pregnant. He tried that with me.
Perhaps the universe has done something with Scorpios these past few months to bring out the worse in the sociopathic ones.
I already feel like he was trying to get me pregnant…. in the three years we dated we were careful but afterwards he used nothing with me. I feel like he knew he was losing me and was looking to trap me. Thats the only reason I can think of unless he was just thought he could get away with it with me.
I like the song by Leona Lewis “Better with Time.”
OMG…. he just texted me again. The most random things about my pets?… its his birthday and he said nothing about me not saying happy birthday… is he playing with me? or looking for any kind of response?… im on the verge of losing it.