If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxy,
I was just saying we could practice what we have learned in the situation but what I really meant was I was thinking the same thing.. and I wish it would go away.
House cleaning it is!
Dear Aloha,
I agree with you 110%—but you know, I realize my buttons can still be pushed! Which I think is a good thing to know. It isn’t “ideal” of course, in a “perfect” healing and adjustment, nothing could push my buttons, but I’m afraid I’m not going to get to the point that no one can push my buttons. LOL
I wish “it,” the ability of some people to push my buttons, would go away, but it hasn’t completely. My son D and I talked the other day and he had noticed that it wasn’t easy to push my buttons any more (not him, but others) and that if they were pushed, it was over quickly. That’s the thing that I have noticed about myself too, my “trigger” isn’t hair-trigger any more.
I don’t “make excuses” for people’s behavior any more, try to give them the “benefit of the doubt” when things are “not right” some how. If someone has problems of their own causeing, I don’t feel guilty if I don’t try to fix them. I’ve “bent over backwards” all my life to “be fair” to people and make excuses for their behavior, and I’m getting out of that mind set now. I don’t want to flip to the other side though, to where I can’t trust any one or I always assume the worst out of any situation. There’s a middle ground in there somewhere that has to be better than either extreme. So in the meantime I am still working on me, but the healing road is so much better in this phase than it was in the uphill climb when I spent a lot of the time on my knees crawling over broken glass. LOL At least I’m mostly upright at this point!
Feeling safe here at LF is one of the things I am so grateful to Donna for. Not only safety for me, but safety for everyone here. When you are healing, you need safety above all else.
(((hugs)))) and peace to you my friend.
Hi Gemini_Fairy and Lostingrief, I think the best thing to do is either sell it and donate the money or just get rid of it somehow… I keep it because it reminds me of love and of better times… but I know it was all a lie… I don’t know why I do this to myself. I took a drive to clear my head and was thinking about just texting him Happy Birthday and almost did… but something kept stopping me. As bad as I feel about it being his birthday I feel worse about letting him win and control me. Whats weird is… he sent me a text message about my pets earlier and I was playing with them… they do seem to know… guess they have evil forces at work for them O_o he used to tell me he was able to watch me in my room and now I feel paranoid.
Trinity,
My best friend’s ex stuck her with back income tax on something he messed up. He kept harrassing her about when and if she was going to pay it. So she promptly took the wedding ring, sold it and paid the bill.
Oh the sweet irony. Like I said, sell it. At least let it be worth something.
Hi everyone- I’ve been reading your posts for awhile now and I am in the right place, thats for sure. Let me give you some background on my p/s/n? I’ve been in love with this man for 13 years and always known it was a screwed up mess. Shortened version: Lived with me for two years in my house- never contributed any money. Watched the tv shows he wanted, didn’t help clean, didn’t help with yard work. I paid for everything. Went home to his house every morning came back at night. Never involved himself in my interests. Belittled my job. Hates the government, basically feels himself above everyone in everything he does. Loves his Mamma. Doesn’t want to work hard at anything(he’s a carpenter) works a few hours a day when he feels like it. He says he is going to enjoy his life (he’s 47) and not work constantly like I do. He’s a high school drop-out and has had problems with the law in the past. Used to do meth before I knew him. I tried to help him with a business of his own-got loans for a bull-dozer, backhoe, dump truck. I thought it was something we could do together. However he would not take out liability insurance and I never told anyone it was a partnership because I was afraid of being sued if something went wrong. I owned a store at the time and also worked at Lowes in the garden center. I felt so sorry for him, he would say this was what his dreams were and the only way things could happen was through me. He is anti-social totally, hates everyone, but one would never know it, He has a quiet way about him (although it’s totally phony) and is good looking for this area, worked out and had a great body. Very meticulous with himself and never got dirty. Women think he’s it. So did I. I thought he was so loyal and that he loved me. You can’t argue or discuss anything he doesn’t like because he loses his temper easily. Anyway I guess I saw what he was many times and was very uneasy inside but I still loved him. He moved back to his house because Momma moved back to the area and wanted him there. He was still saying he loved me and we would be together someday. Said I was his girlfriend. We never went out much because he never had money he wanted to spend on me (my thought in hindsight) Was a loner. Been working on his house for years, because of money and also because he has the attention span of a flea. Really , Bored easily. Doesn’t pay his bills. no sense of responsibility, stuffs his mail in a drawer. Has 4 kids from 4 women, none of them from a serious relationship. Mostly because he feels it’s (birth control) not his problem and wouldn’t use a condom. Pays support (very little and very erratic). Doesn’t want to see his kids or even know them even though they live in the area. Momma likes to be a Grandma though. Anyway years pass still loves me. I waste all my love on him, don’t go out with any other men and wait and wait and wait. I think he’s loyal to me. I am very busy–the total opposite of him. Own a 250 acre farm with all kinds of critters, dogs, cats. Own a store, owned a restaurant a couple of houses etc. When he helps me I have to pay him. Run in sheds. repairs etc. I end up making many payments on equipment. When he gets work with it he keeps all the money. I find out last summer he has been seeing a total pig of a woman who heads a social service agency and dumped her husband for him. Nobody ever told me about her, and this is a rural area- she only lives 4 miles down the road. I found out by accident. He’s still telling me he loves me but it was none of my business what he does with his private life. I thought we were a couple and went to pieces all last summer. It didn’t bother him at all how much he hurt me. I thought I would die. He’d tell me he wasn’t seeing her and I’d see his car at her house all night. I made a fool of myself because I’d have to know and I’d drive by and then go to pieces again. He’d act like I was nuts and when I’d call the bimbo up to ask her what was going on saying he was playing us both she wasn’t even woman enough to talk to me. She was just like him totally ignoring me like I was an insignificant nobody. Anyway I was completely demoralized because I wanted to know why-how could he treat me like this. So on it goes. His house burnt to the ground this winter with everything in it, No insurance. I said he could stay in my other house a mile away from his. I pay the bills there. Another woman has surfaced she informed me the day after the house burned she had been seeing him for 3 1/2 years. he told her we were just good friends and she was kept a secret from me. So he was telling me he loved me and was screwing two other women. They knew about each other and I knew nothing. So now I know. He still tells me he loves me and is still seeing the social worker and I found out about some other women. He feels he is doing nothing wrong, He lies about everything. I’m sick, demented, want to kill someone, ruin someone and put myself in an insane asylum because I can’t believe someone could treat me like this and still act like nothing is wrong, And he’s still living in my house 9 months later and still lying his head off. Now he’s the big drinking dude feeling so sorry for himself because he has no work and no money. She still is ignoring me and I want to do something drastic to her. He’s so sneaky with her, never in public with her. She calls him constantly I see it on his caller id. Help please before I do something really dumb I’m losing my mind.
Aloha-
This is relating to your request for help..My mom sent me a few books this week (because she keeps telling me to see a therapist, and I am so stubborn that I can fix myself that she needed to do something…lol) So, I am reading “The Emotionally Abused Woman” by Beverly Engel. Great book and I highly recommend this for you, as well as for all the ladies here. (In the book, the author states that men can read this as well, but recommends other books that will apply more suffieciently for men). In your post yesterday you stated “I let the BM abuse me emotionally,” so this will be a perfect read. Part 1 is “understanding your destructive patterns,” and the chapters are about the types of emotionally abused women, and the ‘many faces of the emotional abuser.’ Parts 2-4 are about the healing process (which I haven’t read yet.)
I have read your posts for awhile as well, enough to know that you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need to be. Don’t doubt yourself, as we all know that many people simply don’t understand if they haven’t gone through it themselves, and they will also make excuses for what they don’t understand.
Anyway, this book has really explained in detail many things that I needed to be clarified, and I hope you seek it out….or, since I am in San Fran Bay, I could always drive it over to you, neighbor 🙂 lol
LetgoletGod
Thanks for the book recommendation. I have quite a list going but I have not read that one. I will ad it to my reading stack! I do appreciate it.
I am feeling better. I was starting to doubt myself but I have been in touch with Bad Man’s wife and she has solidified for me even more that I was on the right track. Her daughter found one of my essays here and put us together… what a miracle. I hope it will be healing for both of us.
Thanks…
Hi imakeeper-not: Welcome to LF. You found the right place to heal because of the likes of him invading your space.
While you read the blogg, you’ll notice that your situation is the same as ours … out of control egos taking over our lives and crashing us into the ground.
The first thing to know about your Ex is that they never look inside themselves to heal themselves … aka fix their own emotional problems.
Know that you are not the cause of his pain and problems. These pains and problems developed in childhood, and instead of them staying humble, to be able to look inside himself, his ego took off and controlled his life.
Having his ego in control, the first thing they learn (sort of as tools for them to use in life) is arrogance (defends them from not having to look inside themselves at their vulnerabilities, insecurities, pain, problems in general stemming from their home life).
Next they develop the tool of control. How they wield this control, takes on a life of it’s own … hand in hand, control and arrogance work together in their lives as they get older, arrogance and control/manipulation techniques become fined tuned in their aresnal.
The laziness, the lying, the stealing, the cheating … all is the spin of sin … going through all the paces in life for not staying humble and living a virtuous life. Sin, is the vices in life.
Just as our parents, teachers, churches, relatives (community as a whole) taught us virtues and how to live (step by step) our lives righteously (to function positively influence in society), our EXs rebelled, started living in their own egos instead of staying humble (which would have allowed them to learn wisdom), and that way of living too, started a process step by step of instructions how to live unrighteously (not functioning … a negative influence in society). Since they have conditioned themselves to live in vice, they defend their way of living … even though it is a negative to society.
They do the complete opposite of virtue which is that of vice.
Here’s a list below of what I’m talking about.
Humility against Pride
Kindness against Envy
Abstinence against Gluttony
Chastity against Lust
Patience against Anger
Liberality against Greed
Diligence against Sloth
If you notice on the list, most of your qualities will be found on the left side of the list, as your EXs qualities fall on the right side of the list.
Opposites … we are opposite of how they conduct their lives and hence, the pain it causes all of us.
Peace.
Read all you can in this site, as well as understand the concepts of givers (virtuous individuals in society) versus takers (non-virtuous individuals in society) are all about.
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Any time you want to write on this site, any one on at the time your write, will gladly write you back.
Peace.
To Imakeeper-not,
We all know how you feel. You’ve been thoroughly betrayed, and your emotions are a combination of beating yourself up and wanting to lash out.
If I were you, my first priority would be to get him out of your house. There’s no point in going after the other women–they are additional victims, being deceived as you were deceived.
Have No Contact (we call it NC) with him. Establish this as soon as possible. You may even want to retain an attorney to get him out of your house.
No Contact is the beginning of healing. There is a lot of information on this blog to help you understand what happened and why. Be assured that you can recover. It doesn’t seem like you can right now, but in time, you’ll be better.
To Wini and Donna,
Thanks for your responses. I am sure in need of help. I don’t understand myself at all anymore. I lost myself totally, like there is an alien inside me that has taken over my head, my emotions- all of me. There is no one to talk to, I am so obsessive I probably make the few people I have talked to sick of me. I have lost my self-respect as well as any pride in myself because I have let myself become so devalued. I can’t sort through everything — it is so crazy. I gave him this power over me and I can’t seem to get it back. Why would I ever let myself ruin my life over someone so worthless and sorry? Is it because he is so certain he is a superior to me and everyone else that he has some how brainwashed me into believing it also? I went back to school and graduated magna cum laude from a fine university at the age of 47 because I wanted to learn and prove to myself I could do it because I had screwed up my life so badly in my teenage years. Dropped out of school, married a loser at 18 etc. Married again at 20 to a verbal abuser who thought I brought everything on myself that he said. Tried to destroy me but he couldn’t. Now this, and this I can’t take. It is so hard for me to hurt people. I always try to understand them, but I just can’t get a grip. I guess I learned nothing in college or in life.. If I am so smart how come I can act this dumb. I keep trying to fix things, to make the 13 years have some meaning and I can’t. He won’t talk about anything just says “Don’t worry I love you”. Then proceeds to do whatever he wants to. The OW is driving me crazy because she is fine with everything. She drinks and parties with him knowing he is living in my house. Hangs out drinking with the very people (mostly men) she is supposed to be helping rise above all of this squalor. However, what she does for a living is help the poor people of this county (women receiving no spousal support) poor children, elderly etc. She is the deputy director of the agency, for God’s sake. Plus she chairs the rural health network and sleeps with a guy that uses no protection at all. She is as arrogant as he is, I’ve listened to her phone messages because I took it upon myself to sneak into his shop and listen to his answering machine. It was the only way I could find the answers I was seeking, I’m sorry to say. Not that it did any good because I went running for comfort to the same man who is destroying me. Not once has he ever apologized to me for one thing he has done. Nope, just goes in my house and goes to sleep(without me) I think I must be sicker than he is. Somehow he thinks he deserves all of this. If he doesn’t like something I say, he just doesn’t call me for a few days. He knows I will eventually call him.
He keeps telling me stuff that makes me doubt reality and I can’t focus on anything. What the hell have I turned into. I sicken myself so bad I can’t even look at myself or into myself. I was such a loving person but I was always afraid to trust people-now look at me. I hate myself more than I do the person I should despise the most. I always thought he was my friend and someone I could really trust–That he loved me. I am so sick….