If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
geez, STAR, i could have wrote your last post. the absolute commonality of experiences really … SCARES me! how can they have such a way of being!? it’s the sickest, most nihilistic paradigm you can ever imagine existing in the entire history of a godded world. YIKES!!
whew. sometimes it hits me in such a way that i just feel like they are why there is no justice in the world. they are the anti-christs.
am i getting carried away here?
it’s true.
finding: aaahhh…””but there is always that little corner of your heart that is scared you wont be loved again like in the good ways that they love you.””
that’s so painful to read. it’s true. damn it! it’s true.
they can really fake it, can’t they?
fake. word of the week.
lostingrief: yes all those little feeling they cause to flare up inside us.
Like the look on his face in the restaurant Saturday night when I kindly brought up the items in the house that clearly belong to another woman. That vacant, hollow, removed look – the unfocused eyes, the silent pause, the leaning back in the chair and telling me not to ruin dinner. Then the awkward silence he leaves me in while I frantically think of some other topic.. ……So what time is the football game tomorrow? And we go back to our normal acting selves as if her tampon box and shampoo had never existed. sick.
LIG: No, you’re not getting carried away. I do believe they are evil people. Mine sees women as “objects” and admits it. It’s so wrong.
findingmyself: You were so much more in control than I would have been. I would have come out of the bathroom with the tampon box and said, “hey, can I use one of these?” and then I would have thrown them at him and walked out.
Guys, go easy on yourself for missing them so much and wanting to be with them. The only saving grace for me is that when I told mine to go away, he knew I meant business. I threatened to turn him into the army and followed through with my threat when he continued to blog on my reptile site. If he’d been calling me, I would be going through the same things you’re all going through. Fortunately, mine disappeared, never to be seen or heard from. It was a total discard (which made me feel like total crap anyway). He did not appear at the recent reptile expo. He has not been on the reptile site (where I met him), and no one has mentioned his name. He has probably moved or is in prison. At least I have some distance from the fairy tale illusion, so I know it’s not real.
Findingmyselfagain: A wise healer said something very important to me when I was still waffling back and forth about my ex’s intentions. She said “a man like this is never happy with just one woman. They always have to have another one on the line.” I have always remembered that. I know I can never tolerate cheating. And I believe these types all cheat. Even if they don’t, how would you ever know? If they lie about one thing, they’ll certainly lie about that. Mine used to tell me that he did not find any other women on the reptile site attractive (I knew this was a lie). I would mention specific women who were stunning. He would say he didn’t think they were attractive. That’s one of the things that tipped me off to the lying. An honest man would say something like, “yes, she’s hot, but I like you better” or something like that.
StarG: I was just thinking of something funny. People say men like these are “dogs” or “snakes.” Dogs and snakes are better as a matter of fact. BTW. You should see my ex. He looks like a devil. I sent you his pic. You will crack up.
mine looks like a devil too. his eyes are almond to a fault and his ears are pointy. (i kid you not!)
he looks the way they often portray the half horse half man mythological creature. (what’s that called again?)
anyway. i’m drunk. had a glass of wine, and fading fast.
so, yes, they don’t just look like the devil (SEDUCTIVE), they ARE the freakin’ devil!
let’s win. NC.
LIG: LOL! LOL! You should see my ex..I swear he is the devil! email me at lcadams08807@yahoo.com and I’ll send u a picture!! You’ll crack up!!
Dear Findingmyself again, Well, sweetie, I don’t think I need to BOINK you with the skillet, I think you’ve done a good job of that yourself! But, I hope that you have LEARNED from this experience that there is NO GOING BACK and also that it DOES TAKE A LONG TIME and the thing is that when we think we are “standing” we are the most vulnerable.
Afte rmy husband died, 8 months after his death, I thought I was OK to start dating again, and BINGO! I was involved with a psychopath!
I would sincerely suggest a MINIMUM OF ONE YEAR after a psychopathic experience before a person even considers dating again. ALSO, as much as 18 months to three years if the stress has gone on for many months or years before the break up. We all have “something” about us that made us vulnerable to them, and we need to heal, and also to find out about ourselves to see what about us made us a “patsy” for them. What is it about US that is our “P-weakness” that is their KEY to our souls and hearts. They can spot that “weakness” and vulnerability just like a lion spots the one wildebeaste out of 1000 in a herd that has even the slightest limp and is “easy prey.”
Yes, findingmyself again, I am STILL HERE, and I’m in much better shape than I was even 6 months ago, but I know I am not ready yet to “hang out my shingle” and pronounce myself “cured” or “healed”—-I am closer to those “ideals” but I am not so cocky yet that I can say that I am “safe”—I’ve got decades of dysfunctional behavior behind me, and though I am learning new methods of setting boundaries, etc. the old “habits” are so ingrained it would be easy, I suspect, for me to fall right back into the groove of the old weak boundaries.
I’m just like the people in AA–ONE DAY AT A TIME, one moment at a time sometimes, but I am working on it, I am monitoring my emotions, and looking for cracks in my armor.
In the past few months I’ve had only one really bad day, and that was when I heard from another person about the lies and smear campaign my mother has done and continues to do about me trying to “steal her money”—I was FURIOUS for about 18 hours. I came here and posted, and by the next morning I was okay and decided not to do anything or confront anyone or break NC even to tell her off. A year ago I would have been in a melt down for 18 days instead of 18 hours. My “reserve” of emotional strength and level headedness is bigger than it was, and I am stronger than I was, but I do realize that MY BUTTONS CAN BE PUSHED. I am not in “total control” over my emotions now, and even back door “contact” about my mother can pi$$ me off, so there are still some raw nerves there, so Ineed to continue to progress toward my “goal” of NO BUTTONS. The goal of being in control of my responses, the goal of setting good boundaries and not feeling guilty about it, the goal of caring about people and being willing to help, but NOT ENABLING anyone. The goal of being aware of my own emotions, thoughts, behavior and desires. The goal of taking care of MYSELF appropriately.
I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. You are right there are plenty of people who come here and then “disappear” and we never hear back from them. I wonder about these people when I go back and reread old blogs and articles and I see those familiar names who have droppedout of our circle of safety. I wonder what happened to them. Did they go back? Did they get into a new relationship with another psychopath? My guess is that many of them do just that.
I’m sorry that you fell for “it” again, but I’m glad that you came back here, and in the end, maybe it takes the going back sometimes and seeing that there h as been NO CHANGE and WILL BE NO CHANGE, that they a re what they are and there is no “fixing” them, so I know it was a painful lesson, but obviously one that you needed. Believe me, I “flunked” Psychopath 101 MANY TIMES, but I think this time I don’t need to repeat the course! LOL Welcome back and big hugs!!!! Sweetie, you are not any dumber than I have been so I’m not throwing rocks either! Love,Oxy