If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Escaped,
That “slot machine syndrome” is one of the primary “training” tools used to train animals (and people) with “intermittent rewards”
I’m an animal trainer and if you reward the animal for the “trick” EVERY time and then you stop, it doesn’t take long for them to quit the “trick” because they were expecting a reward EVERY time and obviously the rewards have stopped.
So, you reward at first every time to get the behavior established (just like the P idolizing us) then you start to drop off the occasional reward (they start devaluing us just a little) but not enough to stop the behaviors, then you slowly get to where you are only rewarding 1 of 10 then 1 of 100 time, then maybe 1 of 1000 times. But because the animal (or human) has found that though he may not get the reward this time, HE IS SURE TO GET IT NEXT TIME, and so on.
This kind of behavior will go on indefinitely without rewards once it is established. The HOPE that the animal or human has never dies once it is totally and completely established.
I haven’t given my donkeys a piece of bread in a year (that’s their favorite reward) but every time they hear my voice they run to the fence with this UNDYING HOPE that this is the day they will get one.
You are right, that is how slot machines and gambling work, that intermittent reward….and the Ps know this instinctively and “train us” to take the abuse just like I train my donkeys and my dogs to do my will. After the initial training and being nicey-nicey to them, I could (if I was so inclined) abuse them, beat them, and they would still “love” me and be my “slaves” because they would always be waiting for that slice of bread or pet on the head.
Humans are smarter than donkeys and dogs (well, most of the time we are) but we are still subject to the same reward vs pain training that works with them. We are after all mammals too. We are after all “herd animals” too.
PS: The Stockholm syndrome is like the way we train horses, we administer “pain” or “discomfort” and the REWARD is the cessation of the pain or discomfort.
When you put a bridle on a horse and a bit in it’s mouth, and you want the animal to go right you pull on the right side of the reins and it causes a greater or lesser amount of pain on that side of the horse’s mouth, the horse “gives” to that pressure or pain and the pain stops, pretty soon, the horse gets the idea that if he does what you want, the pain stops.
We are “trained” in the same way by abusive people. They administer pain to us and when we “give in” to their demands, we are rewarded by a stopping of the pain and even though THEY were the ones giving us the pain, we are GRATEFUL to them for stopping it, and pretty soon we see them as “gods” who are responsible for SAVING us from pain. DUH!
The mind is a marvelous thing, but it can be “brainwashed” in many ways.
Dear Wini,
I am confused by your response. Not offended”not at all. Just confused. Did something I said (or something in the slot machine analogy), lead you to think I was discounting Faith in any of this?
If so, I apologize. That would be the last thing I would EVER do. God, my Perfect Father in Heaven has seen to it that I survived this ordeal with the N and his N Mommy Dearest, (who by the way is extremely religious, attends church every week, gives the expected amount and can quote the Bible with ease. In fact she uses it to manipulate, control and shame, twisting and applying scripture where it serves HER judgments and purposes while she lies and abuses.)
Sometimes I think she did as much damage to me as my ex did. When they got their hooks in me I didn’t really KNOW God. I knew OF God, but mostly from people like her. My image of Him was of a vengeful God. I had always heard God Loves You but never could fit Love into the equation, given the image I had of Him. I even went through Lutheran confirmation before the wedding to satisfy her. My ex could have cared less; she nags him constantly about his lack of “churching.”
I was raised without formal religion or religious teaching. My parents said they left it up to my sister and me to make that decision for ourselves when we were old enough.
Don’t get me wrong. My parents and my entire family are wonderful people. They taught us right from wrong, to make good decisions, to be responsible, to be independent, kind to people and animals, family is important”.to be good people. But, there was very little talk about God. They were “Jaded” Catholics. (My apologies to Holy Water Salt and all the Catholics here. This is in NO way a reflection on Catholics or the Catholic Church in general, just a description of how it was presented to me while I was growing up.) They were both raised in Catholic families, attended Catholic Elementary Schools, then public high schools. My Dad used to talk about enduring abuse from the Nuns in school due to being left handed and the crushing blow delivered to his mother by a Priest who stated to her, after her firstborn son died at about 1 year old, that her son “would never see the eyes of God,” because he died before he was Baptized/had a Christening. He was ill a good part of his life and died from Whooping Cough. There were other stories, but you get the idea.
My Mother never talked about her experiences. My sister and I have always wondered, for various reasons, if Mom was abused by someone in the church or the school. Her Brother and only sibling is pretty much the same.
Almost 5 years ago, when I started discovering my ex’s affairs, bi-sexual activities, etc., I separated from him and went to my OBGYN for tests to make sure he didn’t give me something horrible. Of course, I had to tell him why I needed this and fell apart in his office. After questioning me about my ex’s drinking and abusiveness, (I told him not physical, but emotional), he sent me to ALANON, for families of Alcoholics. And it was there I found Faith. They said one needed to believe in a Higher Power whatever it was for you. They called it the “God of your understanding.” It came to me by Grace at that point in the term “Heavenly Father.” A light went on”His light, as I was leaving my parents house one day. I thought of my own Father and his role in my life. He taught me, guided me, loved me unconditionally (even when he disciplined me) and ALWAYS wanted what was best for me. And that was it. I realized that My Heavenly Father was all this and more. Perfect Love, always there. I swear, this saved my life, my sanity, and my spirit. I tear up just typing this to you.
Now, I am not religious, but I am VERY spiritual. I pray and I TRUST in Him. I started reading the Bible but have not gotten far. I have 3 children (20, 10 and 8), am in school full time for nursing, working part time, and am my youngest son’s Cub Scout den leader in addition to trying to unlock the answers to, and recover from, my toxic relationship of the past 17 years with these bad people, and keep records to protect myself and my children from the ongoing abuse and problems he and Mommy Dearest try to cause.
Gosh, this turned out long”sorry. I just needed to say it. This site and so many other things have helped me so much. I hope someday to be able to use what I have learned to help others. Knowledge is power to heal and help and I want to spread the power here and everywhere I can”hence dropping in articles I find like the “slot machine” analogy.
I don’t have a lot of time to share, but I always hope that someone who needs to hear it will read it because I know God has a way of dropping what we need in our laps at just the right time.
Thanks for listening and thank everyone on here for all they share with so many who need it. And now I just remembered I must go and study for an Algebra quiz in my 1:00 class.
Peace and Be Well to all!
Dear Esacaped: I was just interjecting why I thought most people found it hard to get past the pain of what their EXs did to them … they loving their EXs, and their EXs obviously having ulterior motives to be involved with them (all of us). What is the ingredients of love for them? Then I came up with them learning through their lives, family, church, school, community as a whole, what they were taught about spiritual love.
You’re e-mail made me laugh … yes, even nuns and clergy have EGOs to content with … having to go silent, go humble. We are after all, living a human life? Ego, as being part of the human condition. Is our ego in check that can live within a harmoneous society, or is the ego out of control, not in harmony with society.
Most religious people (today) do acknowledge their spirituality and do not attend community in their belief in our creator.
I like how Tolle describes the anti-social personalities of the world. He calls them “obnoxious”. I laugh every time I think of him describing “them” in his book. He puts a spin on the human condition too, that of the ego.
I wasn’t agreeing or disagreeing with you … I was adding my 2 cents into the blogg.
Peace.
Hello, thank you for the opportunity to share my story with all of you. It is EXACTLY like the stories told here. It makes me sick to my stomach that I fell into this as I feel that it is my fault that I was fooled into believing that I could 1. help this sick man 2. Let myself believe that it is all my fault 3. that i am a slut and a whore because I “talk” to other men. I could go on and on. My problem is that I have stood my ground and will no longer let him abuse me and I will no longer be party to his rantings and ravings. He takes great enjoyment out of making me cry and saying things to hurt me. Now I don’t hurt anymore. Now I look for ways to destroy him before I go.
Is this also a part of healing? Have I become psycho now too? Is this normal? The main reason I am writing here is to get some sort of idea of what has happened to me. I am now out of money, just started working at a cheap paying job, and no one will help me get out. He doesn’t hit me anymore because i said i will call the police (he hates me for it). When he hit me before, I hit back (and hurt him). Now he does things to punish me (no food, heat). I tried to get help from my sister, but she tells me to stay because if i leave, i will lose all of my furniture. Are there churches or any public places that will help me get out? (loans, etc?). I’m scared.
badkarma2: I don’t know what city or state you are in, but most cities/towns have a woman’s shelter to contact to help you with your current situation and for your own protection.
Stay away from him, mentally and physically. NO CONTACT. No contact so you can step back and see the bigger picture of what is going on. You are too close to the situation and you need time away from him.
Peace.
Dear Badkarma,
I only have a minute before I must leave for school. THINK! What is worth more “stuff” or Life?
Try a church, try a shelter but SAVE YOURSELF.
I’m outta here for a few days. I lost my dear uncle the other day and will not be blogging for a while.
Peace to everyone.
Dear badkarma2:
I want to welcome you to the site. I’m sorry for what you are going through. In no way did you deserve the treatment you got. No one ever deserves to be abused and devalued. Being in an abusive relationship for so long can really wear away at your self-esteem, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. It beats you down. This is part of the cycle, that you don’t feel you can do better on your own. You lose sense of your own strength and goodness! The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out as fast as you can. In my opinion there is no amount of furniture or material possessions that are worth allowing yourself to be diminshed as a person. There are people here who lost hundreds of thousands of dollars getting away from their exes and still feel they got the better of the deal. Furniture can be replaced. Your life cannot.
You have come to a great site. The people here are very caring and understanding. You can read and write here as much as you want, and someone will usually be around to help, even if to just “listen”.
If you do not have supportive friends or family there (sounds like you don’t), you could try a battered women’s shelter or woman’s advocacy group. Church groups can be helpful, if you can find one that understands how dangerous this man is in your life and does NOT encourage you to “work things out”.
Warmest regards,
StarG
I’m sorry for your loss, Wini. (((hugs)))