If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
re dreams; i had dreams of my ex s path i was bashing him punching him hard. when i woke up i couldnt believe it i am not a violent woman at all. but i think i was getting out all the anger i felt toward him the only way could in my dreams. cause in real life it seemed like everything protected him from feeling my anger. also a bit off subject but has anyon read the book a brave new world, not sure of the author but my friend was telling me about this book and i think it could have something in it about s paths. she said something about the alfa male who can seperate love from sex or something like that, we only spoke about it breifly so i am not sure. but if anyone knows of this book and what its about i woul love to hear more about it she said she read it at school.thanks.
re: dreams
i had recurring dreams for a long time about my ex. he was ‘lost’ to me. i coudn’t find him. i would call his number from a pay phone and i would lose the quarter, or the connection was bad and i couldn’t hear anything. the dreams were all about frustration. i would see him down the street and i would call out and run, but a bus would go by (i live in nyc) and when it moved past he was gone.
then, after i threw him out, i would dream that i was bashing his face in with my fist (JULES!), and it felt SO good, but then i knew i hurt him bad and would freak out because i’ve never punched anybody in the face in my life! near the end of our relationship i used to tell him, ”if i could just punch you once in your face as HARD as i can!”(‘face’ is significant because he’s strikingly beautiful and HATED to have his face injured in any way … a tiny razor nick would give him a fit!). of course he would tell me if i did that, i’d be sorry. i believed him.
now i dream that i see him walking down the street with his pregnant girlfriend, his arm around her, and he sees me and is just as nice and happy as can be. i don’t say anything, i walk past making believe i don’t know him.
i wake up and cry.
i agree with NAMASTE. these dreams are like letting out the grief in measured doses instead of us being completely overwhelmed by the psychological damage they did to us.
in any event. dreams are not real. so, don’t let them impact you so deeply. i used to be depressed for an entire day after one of these dreams. now i just say, ‘oh yea, the asshole.’ and i thank god i’m free of him — 3+ months NC.
woohoo.
heal everyone…heal.
sstiles54 – Well after telling you yestersay that I only have had one vivid dream about him – guess what – I dreamed about him last nite – lol – it was in vivid color – most of my dreams are – colorless – he was on his cell phone as usual – and he said (oh work called – there is a problem I have to go in) and I felt the deceit – there was also snakes and horses in the house and my dad – he has been dead 10 years – I never dream of him – but he was pleasant – weird…Any way one of my favorite celebs is Bill Maher And he said (No _ I dont want to know about your dreams)–LIG is right _ Thank God I am free of hIM……..
I just received this e-mail today and thought I’d share it with everyone on LF.
Your Great Quotation of the Day
If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan.
And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.
by Jim Rohn
I used to have nightmares every night while I went through the suit with my bosses. I’d wake up in the middle of the nightmares, gasping for air, cold sweat soaking what I wore. What were my nightmares? Reality of what they were allowed to do to me each and every day at work … I was reliving what they did to me, each and every single day. Not only did my conscious mind know they were evil during the day while I was at work, my subconscious mind was telling me the truth about them too.
I never had dreams or nightmares about my EX fiance. Out of site, out of mind, I guess … anyway … good riddance to another user in life.
My life is too short and too precious to me … to waste it on the likes of any of them … I just pray for them all and send them peace… and hope they find their way back to God.
Peace.
You know, maybe, just maybe I don’t dream or have nightmares about my EX is because I spend all my energy up on my bosses and their cronies over the years that I had to endure their wrath.
I already worked their evil out, analyzed it to death, untangled it’s involvement in my life … and knew I shouldn’t have to waste my precious time and energy on my EX.
That could be why I dealt with him as well as I did. I just threw the likes of him into the mix of my former employers and their cronies … threw my two attorneys in there too. They never change, but I can change and I can make lemonaide out of lemons.
I’m glad that I have that option … to make changes in my life for the better of my life. Finding out what my EX was all about … switched me in to full gear to move on to a better life … what better life that I make for myself.
Peace.
WIN
That right there is the secret! Shshhshshs ! dont tell no one ok?!
This cleshay is so old the cows dont even notice anymore !
YOU have to LOVE your self First !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Before you can ever LOVE another !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUH! LOVE jere
Well, I guess I should share some of my story. I was introduced to the s by his sister. She & her husband & I all worked at the same place together, & were pretty close friends. At that time, I was still married to my 2nd husband, who had become a “professional student”. I had 1 child , & the second mate & I had 3 kids together. He decided to quit his job to go to school, so I worked 60 hour weeks to support us all. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was also suffering from depression. I knew I didn’t feel right, but had not been diagnosed. An article I saw in Readers Digest finally helped me put a name to what I was feeling. I went to the local mental health clinic, began counselling, & a steady cocktail of different meds, until they found the one that worked for me. I knew I had to get out of the marriage I was in, because I had gotten to the point where I hated him. It was at this point in my life, the s. entered the picture. He was charming, good looking, & he paid attention to me.I thought we had a lot in common then, but looking back now, I can’t for the life of me, remember what I thought it was. One thing led to another, & before a month was up, I was fully involved with him. It was like he was the push I had needed to escape the marriage I was in. I filed for divorce, & the kids & I moved in with my Dad temporarily. A week after I showed the divorce papers to the s., he disappeared. He had been staying with his sister & brother in law here in town, & he was just gone when they came home from work one night. I was totally devastated. We had already talked about getting married, & I had totally fallen for him. During the time he was gone, I kept blaming myself for his leaving-must have been something I said or did, etc. At the same time, my divorce got really ugly, with my depression being brought up in court, being “crazy”, the whole nine yards. I had never been on my own in my whole life, but here I was, trying to raise 4 kids, pay mortgage & car payments, working as many hours in a day as I could. During the summer of the divorce, the kids had to go stay with their dad(court orders), & they hated it. I worked 16 hour days just to be doing anything to keep from losing my mind. I some how made it through it all, the kids came back when school started, & we went about just trying to make it on our own. Ten months later from the time the s. disappeared in march, the phone rang, & it was him. He was sorry, blah-blah, he claimed he had left to get mental help, & that I was the first person to ever love him, & he just got scared & ran. He was now miraculously healed, & ready to take up where we left off. I fell for it, & 3 weeks later, he moved in with me.
OMG, this is hard to write about. I think I will take a breather, & come back in the morning to finish the story. I didn’t think it would be so hard. Thank you all for listening & being so understanding.
Take your time sstiles and only write as much as you feel capable of each time. We are all painfully aware of just how complicated and draining encounters with them are ~ not one of us would be capable of encapsulating all the tricks they played and all the devastation and turmoil they’ve caused then run away from in just a few, brief sentences. Nothing is ever simple when it comes to THEM.
From what you’ve written so far, it’s classic S behaviour ~ charging into your life like a knight in shining armour when you were at a very low point in your life, all the BS, then disappearing as soon as he had claimed his prize (at that time) ~ in his twisted, self-obsessed mind he thought you had divorced your husband solely to be with him ~ any other contributory factors influencing your decision would never even have occurred to him, as in his mind, it’s ALL ABOUT HIM!
I wish you a restful sleep.
Namaste xx
O.K., after some sleep & church, I think I can on some more. After moving in, the s. watched the kids while I worked for awhile, til he got a job. He got a job on 1st shift, I worked 2nd. I really missed him at night, since we had been together 24/7 since he moved in. He quit that job, & looked for another. He got a job at one of the “local Marts”. All went O.K. for awhile, then the place I worked went through a hostile take over. My life at work became a living hell. I knew I’d get fired sooner or later, so after having worked at the same place for 20 years, I quit. I had never been able to be a stay at home mom before. I took up babysitting so I could still be earning a paycheck. This all happened in the 1st 4 mos. we were together. We decided to get married, in June of that year. He had omitted one tiny little factoid-he would have to get his divorce finalized. I still wasn’t bright enough to see the writing on the wall. His divorce was final the day before we got married. I still look back at what I’ve done, & it’s almost like a bad dream. I can’t believe my common sense just vanished like it did. I went back to factory work after only 4 mos. He had began dropping subtle hints about money, & all of a sudden, his health declined. (This came as a surprise to me, as I had just paid for a full medical exam, tests, & new glasses for him before I quit my job.) We had enjoyed a good sex life, now he was too tired. So for the remaining time we were married (10 yrs.), I worked full time in factories. He went through about 15 jobs that I remember, always quitting or getting fired. When he quit one, it was my fault. When he got fired, it was a lousy company. He was always trying to come up with some grand plan to open his own business, so he could be his own boss. The closest he ever came up with, was a cleaning business with 1 customer, that I helped to do.
As the years rolled on, we got into more & more fights. I was also being isolated from all my friends & family. Since he “had to go looking for clients” for his business, he took me to work everyday. I had a car when we got married, he didn’t. The only time I went anywhere, was on Sat. morning errands, when he was still in bed. I didn’t even realize how isolated I had become until the very end.
O.K. Time to collect my thoughts again. Will continue my saga after while. Thanks for bearing with me. I’m so glad you’re here to help me along.