If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear sstiles,
Thank you for sharing your very painful story. That took a lot of courage and I know must have taken a lot of energy, but blogging and “talking” about it will help you to get a better over all picture of what happened yourself.
Having cancer is bad enough under the “best” of conditions but having it under those conditions must have been horrific for you. I hope your prognosis is good and that you are doing well from that stand point. Pamper yourself as much as possible and take care of yourself, you deserve it. ((((hugs))) and prayers for your healing and safety.
OxDrover & all,
Even though it has been very hard to write this all out, I do very much appreciate your support , & kind words! As of now, I have been in remission for almost 7 years. Every year that I’ve lived is a triumph. I had a small scare this last summer with a spot of carcinoma on my hand, but had surgery, & they got it all.
Back to where I left off… He walked out on me to move in with his girlfriend of 6+months in Jan. 2006. I was left in the farm house out in the middle of no where, with no propane left in the tank,& no money. I heated the house with the oven & space heaters. I had been sleeping in my daughter’s room with my 2 dogs because there was a lock on the door. I piled pots & pans up in front of doors every night before I went to bed, so I would hear if he tried to get in at night. I was working 2nd shift, so I came home at 11:30 pm, & had to run from the garage up to the back door to get in after work. I kept the doors dead bolted when I was gone, & booby trapped the doors, so I would know if anyone was there when I was gone. I carried a spray bottle of ammonia with me every where I went, & kept one beside my bed, for protection. I know he was at the house at some time or another, cause I found a lawn chair out back by one of the barns, with footprints in the snow by the chair. I lived in mortal fear 24/7. I know he had been perusing terrorist sites & pornography sites on my computer, so I had the sheriff dept. come out & do a sweep of the computer. As the month rolled on, I found out all kinds of horrific stuff out about him. He had raped the daughter of his ex-wife, he had killed a man out in California when he worked for a bookie out there, & not one thing he had told me about his past was true. He claimed he had been in ‘Nam- he never left stateside, he had his own bodyguard business in Michigan- it never existed, when he had disappeared in 1998 & went to get mental help-he moved back in with his 2nd wife, not one flippin’ thing he had ever told me in 10 years was even close to the truth. I still to this day don’t understand that. I loved him for who I thought he was, why did he make up a fantasy life? I already had fallen for him, there was no need to fabricate a life. My son helped me to find a duplex in town to rent, & helped me with the deposit & rent in Feb. 2006. My kids all helped me to pack up & move. They were all scared to have me out in the middle of nowhere. I had hired an attorney, & he went about filing divorce papers for me. My kids started to talk to me more than they had in quite awhile. They had all gotten to hate the s. I soon found out about all the BS he did to them while I would be working at night. He had grabbed my son son by the shirt & slammed him up against the wall(my son would have been 14 at the time). My daughter told me the s. had come into her room one night on the premise of checking on her ankle(she was in track, & had twisted it. She was 16 then.) He made inappropriate sexual moves to her- kissing her hip, & trying to work his way onward. He told her if she ever told me, I’d never believe her. All this came out to my lawyer, & he told us it would be our word against the s.’s, so don’t bother. Not only did I screw my life up, I managed to drag my kids into it, too. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for what they had to endure. Stupid,stupid, stupid.
The divorce was finalized in June 2007. I have probably been back to court at least 7 times that I can think of right now, because the s. hasn’t paid any of the court ordered monies. He shows up at court with some sad story about only having food stamps to live on, & the judge just buys it all. I have worked 2 or 3 jobs for the last year to get my debts paid off & try to restore my credit. What a crock. Justice is blind, alright. I wish someone could explain to me how he can pay rent on an apartment,& furnish it top to bottom with rent-a-center furniture all with only food stamps. When I had my hand surgery last summer, I had it done on my day off, then went back to work with 11 stitches across the top of my hand, the next day. I don’t miss work, work 50-70 hours a week, the court feels sorry for him. I don’t get it.
Sorry, I guess I got a little stirred up there at the end. I didn’t mean to sound so angry. I just get really discouraged sometimes. I’ll sign off now, & get my wits about me. Will write more later.
sstiles54: That’s because our EXs are criminals and belong in criminal court. And the courts know this. Baloney that they make us citizens go to family court or civil court. Give me a break with all this nonsense with the courts and the attorneys. They are all making big bucks off of our hardships and they know it.
Blind, yes they are blind. But, not that they don’t know these characters are criminal.
That’s what they are and now everyone knows it.
P.S. My detectives have all told me, next time I date, contact them first to do a background check. I told them thanks, but I doubt seriously that I would ever date again.
So everyone out there … check with your local police department to do a check on anyone (man or woman) that you are interested in dating.
Peace.
sstiles54 – you are a walking miracle – Holy Shit!!!! keep writing please…..
sstiles54 ~ i have been reading everything you have written so far, but have been too incensed with rage to reply until now, after reading you had to return to work just 8 weeks after your surgery because HE wasn’t man enough to do the decent thing and go get a job himself.
The thing that really jumped out at me from all you’ve written so far was when you said his excuse for not working at this time was because he ‘needed to take care of you’. What kind of twisted logic is that? How on earth can anyone justify ‘taking care of’ their seriously ill partner by sitting back and letting them slog their guts out at work, so soon after they’ve been through such a serious operation and should be the one at home, taking it easy whilst recuperating?
For all you’ve said about him so far, this is the point i would focus on above all else, as i really can’t think of anything more selfish and callous than this example of his behaviour.
I’m angry again now, just thinking about it.
Blessings
Namaste xx
Wini-even though I am horribly lonely, the thought of dating ever again makes me sick to my stomach. How can I ever trust myself to not make another disastrous choice again?
Henry-Thank you! I never thought of anything but survival. I had 3 kids to take care of, so I just did what I had to do to take care of them.
Namaste-he put such a guilt trip on me, that I felt like a slacker if I wasn’t working. After all, he had made the ultimate sacrifice cooking, cleaning, & taking care of the kids, me, & all the rest. At least that’s what he brain washed me into thinking. …..it’s gets worse as I continue…
My timeline may be kind of screwed up, as I remember things that happened. I’ll try to keep it as together as I can. He was prone to panic attacks(from the ‘Nam experience he never had). Whenever he had one of those, if I didn’t comfort him the way he thought I should have, he always said that I was deserting him, he had taken care of me when I was sick, & I sucked at taking care of him. When we first began seeing each other, he took me up to Lansing all the time to spend time with his parents-we got along great. I loved them & they loved me. As time went on, we went to visit less & less. He said it was because of me-that if we were not getting along, his parents would know it right away, & he didn’t want them to have that worry. Even when his father became gravely ill, & went into a nursing home, we didn’t go up-again, my fault. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the time he began the one affair that I know about. He was taking me to work, so he had the car to go where he pleased. When ever I called home from work & didn’t get an answer, he always told me he was on the Internet, or out doing his office cleaning job. When we got the call in Aug. 2006 that his father had died, was the beginning of the end. I took off work so we could go up north to the funeral. While at the church, these people I didn’t know came up to him, & said they wanted to show him pictures of his grandchild. I’m like GRANDCHILD-WHAT GRANDCHILD? As this scene unfolded, it turns out that the people were his ex-wife & her kids. I had never seen any of them before, & only knew what little he had told me. Needless to say, I was pretty upset. This grandchild would have been the product of his raping his stepdaughter. He got enraged that I even dared be upset about any of this. A shouting match had occurred between him & all the exes, one of them got an inch away from my face & said she was gonna “kick my ass”, it was terribly ugly. I was ready to come home. We had a huge fight after the funeral-again I was being insensitive to his needs. I think that was when his affair got hot & heavy. I found out later that he & his girlfriend were going out in public together, & introducing themselves as girlfriend/boyfriend. I could die when I think of how many people in this small town knew about what was going on. They must think I’m so stupid. In the period between when his Dad died in Aug. 2006 & when he walked out in Jan. 2007, I did & said everything I could think of to get him to “forgive” me for the way I acted at the funeral. He finally started acting like he had forgiven me, & things seemed normal. He stayed long enough to cash in on all the gifts we all got him for Christmas that year. Then unbeknown st to me, he had been stashing his paycheck instead of putting it in the bank. I found a rent deposit slip & paid receipt for 1st month’s rent in his billfold when I got in it to trade him a $5 bill for some ones. I think I would have come home from work one night, & he would have been just gone. When I asked him about moving out(I didn’t tell him I had seen the receipts), he would tell me everything was fine, why would I think such a thing. In the meantime, I had called his sister, & told her I didn’t want to lose him, & asked for her help. She & the s. had been really close in childhood. He blew up, & called me every name in the book. two weeks later, he was gone.
This part really hurt to write. I gotta take a break & get my mind somewhere else for a little while. I’ll be back later today to write more.
sstiles54 – just curious how long you have been away from him? He really tops the cake – I just cant believe all you’ve been through. I’m so glad you are writing it all out – getting it off your chest.
Sending you hope and strength — in time you will be ok – its alot to digest and you will make it, with the help of everyone here rooting for you.
Findingmyselfagain- it will be 2 years since he moved out this coming Jan. 2009. The divorce has been final since June 2007. Thanks for the good wishes you sent!
As if all the BS with him wasn’t enough, then the legal system took off where he left off. My attorney filed papers for the separation, which of course the s. never replied to. He had to be served by a sheriff, because he wouldn’t respond to any letters from the lawyer. The divorce papers were filed & served, & when it went to court for final hearing, he didn’t even show up. I was awarded financial restitution for all the bills I had paid, attorney fees, & court costs, etc. This was to have paid to me within 30 days of the divorce decree. It never was. I called my lawyer I don’t know how many times, to get him to do something, but nothing ever came out of it. This went on from June 2007-Jan. 2008. When I got the letter from the IRS that month, saying I had failed to report income on my income taxes, that was the last straw. I learned from many calls to the IRS(they were actually quite helpful), that the s. had reported the piddly income he made with his 1 job cleaning business on my tax return, so I got audited. Luckily I had the check stubs from that year, so I proved without a shadow of a doubt, that the income was his, not mine. I was reimbursed the money I had been paying the IRS, to keep them from garnishing my wages while I was proving I hadn’t done anything wrong. After getting that fiasco fixed by myself, I went flying up to my lawyers office, with all the papers from the IRS, the collection agency letters, & any other papers I could find, & told him that all this shit was gonna stop, & that finally got him off his ass to finally file contempt of court papers against the s. The 1st hearing- s. never showed up, 2nd hearing he showed up claiming he was indigent & needed court appointed lawyer( judge informed him you don’t get one in civil cases) & judge gave him extension to find counsel, 3rd hearing he never showed up, 4th hearing he shows up with no lawyer(no money to hire one), 5th hearing he shows up again with no lawyer & judge gives him phone number of legal aid & ultimatum to show up in 2 weeks with a lawyer. Now, I had to use all my vacation days at work to show up for all these hearings. By hearing #5, I’m thinking to myself, “Am I the only one seeing a pattern here!?” Finally at hearing #6, he shows up with no lawyer, & the judge “scolds” him, but finds him in contempt of court(really? after only 1 year since he has owed me this money? wow.). This time he has 30 days to pay me, or report to the jail & serve 10 days for contempt. 2 days before he was supposed to go to jail, he calls my lawyer & asks if he can pay me $100 a month until I’m paid off. The lawyer tells me to go for it. He made payments for 2 months, then quit paying. I call the lawyer to see what’s going on, lawyer says he talks to s. & he is coughing & really sick, can I wait 10 days for payment. I waited the 10 days, called lawyer last week, & told him to get the s. locked up. As of today, still haven’t heard a word. So, I guess that’s most of my background. I’ve been through my 1st year of holidays alone, had to have my 24 year old son co-sign my loan when I had to trade cars(because of bank fore closure on my house & all the collection agency action on my credit report), been fired from from a job for the 1st time ever in my life, got another job & had the place go bankrupt & close, had no money for food, lost 60 pounds, & some how I am still upright. I have to medicate for depression, & have only come close to wanting to die once. That was 3 months into living alone. I was just going to drive the car into the garage & leave it running until I went peacefully to sleep. The only thing that kept me from going through with it was the thought of what that would have done to my kids. I lost my own Mother when I was only 24, so I knew the pain of losing a parent. I struggle with trying not to drink too much all the time. I never drink outside of home. I just sit alone here & drink. I some times catch myself thinking that even though it was the most horrible time in my life, I would be tempted to take him back, at least I wouldn’t be alone. Then I wonder if I am crazy after all.
I think that’s all for today. I am drained. If I left anything out, or don’t make sense, just ask me, & I’ll try to make sense of it for you. I wish I wasn’t alone.
sstiles54 ~ Oh what a tangled web they weave, when first they set out to deceive eh? *sigh*
Ok, it sounds as if he may have pushed his luck just a little bit too far now, by breaking the agreement to repay you monthly. So he made the payments for the first two months, then stopped? How many has he missed altogether now?
Namaste-after waiting for 13 months after he was supposed to repay me, he made 2 payments in a row, then quit. I have no idea what my lawyer intends to do to help me. Sometimes I think they are all in the ‘GOOD OLE BOYS CLUB’ together.
The s. just started making the payments in Sept. this year, made the Oct. payment, then that was it.