If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?
In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.
But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.
I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.
When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.
Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.
And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.
Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.
This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.
Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.
Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.
When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.
Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.
But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.
When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.
Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
LOL henry! I can’t imagine what you thought ROFLMAO was!!!!
Yeah, justabouthealed, my life seems to have been one giant abandonment. I have had abandonment issues all my life, though I no longer act out in borderline ways. Some day, God willing, I will get to the bottom of it. I don’t think it would preclude me having a good relationship at this point because I have a handle on it. But it would have to be a very special and gentle man who understands the way I am.
Our songs were Sexual Healing and Unchained Melody. Everytime they come on the radio, I quickly change the station.
Now I like that song Pink does “So What.”
Wow, I’ve been trying to keep up with the posts but been so busy. You know what my attitude is now? If I never meet “the one” who cares, at least I have peace when I lay down and sleep at night. At least I am ok with ME…JUST ME. However, I am so looking forward to my new beau coming home from France this weekend. It may not work out but “So What.”
I got an email in my inbox about my ex changing his email address. Our address was a combination of our two names together. Guess what his new email address is?? Yep, her name and his combined. What a dumb ass. Same schtick.
For Christmas son D made a CD for son C of all the “you are a bitch” songs, starting out with the old C&W one by Charlie Daniels “THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE’S GONE” and a bunch of others. It was my idea when I heard the THank God and Greyhound on teh radio, but then son D got out his CD collection and got on the internet and found a bunch of great songs of “I”m glad you’re gone you sob” types and it was SOOOO funny. We suprised him and played it in the vehicle on the way out to eat for our special Christmas night out meal. I thought he was going to have a heart attack he laughed so much.
Music does move us and music does influence the way we feel and our emotions so get those “sappy” songs out of your head and “Play” the “Thank God and Greyhound she/he’s gone!” songs.
In the end, it is a BLESSING FROM GOD that they are out of our lives—it is up to US to get them out of our heads and our hearts.
Wini, NOT always will you “miss” your parents when they are gone out of your life…except to feel a great weight has been lifted off your back. If you have had a P parent or a severely enabling or punishing/controlling one, having them OUT OF YOUR LIFE is another blessing from God, just like having the P significant other. It may be harder or more difficult to see that (at least at first) but I realize I never truly felt so free since my P-bio dad died (though we were NC 40+ yrs) and to be NC with my mom. I no longer feel “responsible” for her welfare.
I talked with another friend of mine by telephone the other night about their N-mother who is TOXIC and my friend has Let go” of mom. Though she is in a terrible shape now, not taking care of herself and so on, there IS NO WAY YOU CAN HELP THEM. Another friend, her father has “disappeared” some where—he has a good cash income pension and is an 80 yr old drunk who hangs in bars, so he has plenty of “friends” who will hang with him as long as his money keep coming in each month. Still drives, still drinks and still drinks and drives…she just had to let him go. Nothing she could do. Not her responsibility.
When I realized that my mom canceling my power of attorney canceled my AUTHORITY to do anything for her, it also CANCELED my RESPONSIBILITY as well. What happens to her is no longer on my head. The fact that she has no one else is beside the point. That is her decsion. Mine is to stay NC. I am FREE.
I felt a “responsibility” to care for my mother’s health and welfare in her old age until I realized it was impossible to do. So now that I no longer “feel responsible” I do not have a sense of failure. I have compassion for anyone who is alone like she is alone, but again, that was not my doing….and if the neighbors think I am trying to steal from my mom and “abandoning” her( because of her smear campaign), that is also not the driving force in my own self evaluation or my own validation any more.
The funny thing is that I worked professionally with the children of elderly parents and counseled them on how to become their “parent’s parent.” I see things from a different persepective now. As long as the parent is not “certifiable” (by legal standards) it is NOT your buisiness how they run their lives any more than it is our business how our adult children run theirs. We (chldren) are no more obligated to impose our will on our parents (who are completent though maybe not wise) than we are as parents to impose our will on our adult children even if those adult children are doing things we think are unwise.
Every legally competent adult has the right and responsibilty to make their own decisions, live their own lives and BEAR THE CONSEQUENCES. It is not our responsiblity to impose our judgment or will on them…no matter how much we love or loved them. Help, but NOT rescue. Sometimes “real help” is to just step away. Help for them and help for ourselves.
Oh yeah, and he’s using her computer now and living in her home for free, and probably abusing her in the same fashion. Good Riddance!
Well, there are consequences for the psychopath.
The psychopath, I’ll call Michael, used me for 21 months to move to the city in which I live. He already had a new girlfriend before he moved here. She lives 2 1/2 hours away! I guess he just can’t endure up close and personal relationships. He moved 5 minutes from me. As soon as he settled into his house, he discarded me.
I became a member of a fitness club that he joined, too–after me. Well…I run into him frequently there. I have as little interaction as possible. I refuse to stop going there. I see him around other places. I’m not moving either to avoid him.
What happened yesterday was incredible.
As soon as he e saw me yesterday at the exercise club, he came up to me and squeezed my upper right arm. This made me angry! He had touched me once before–fingering the word on my t-shirt (and across my chest). The word was “Namaste” which means “I see the goodness in you.” He asked what the word means and when I told him he laughed mockingly. I asked if he was laughing at me. He said he was laughing with me. I said I didn’t understand that and perhaps one day he might explain himself. Not that I want to hear…obviously he doesn’t see goodness in the world.
Back to yesterday. He commented on the frequency of my workouts, etc. I said I see him as often as he sees me, etc. He said it wasn’t important. I told him he was rude.
I noticed he wasn’t doing his regular workout. He kept disappearing to a spot that was in the free weights area that wasn’t visible from the circuit machines where I workout–as does he. I wanted to leave after I finished my strength training exercises but a powerful voice (that inner Guide) led me to stay. I had planned on walking and wasn’t going to alter my plan because of him. I went upstairs to walk on the treadmill. I can actually see most of the workout area on the first floor while on the treadmill. I thought he had left.
But then I saw him chatting with a woman who apparently had been sitting–waiting for him. I watched as they went to the free weight area for him to show her an exercise! I didn’t recognize her as the woman who he connected with before we stopped dating, the woman who was at his house when I confronted him about his cruelty to me, etc, the woman who had to see major red flags when I showed up at his house–in October!
I didn’t think he was dating her anymore because I saw that he was back on match.com! And he made a comment to me while in the whirlpool during the holiday that he had had so many fun distractions lately! And he wanted me to send him a picture of me dancing at the Christmas party at work. And he told me flirting with him was fine.
Anyway, back to yesterday again. I decided not to waste the moment at the fitness center. I timed my coming downstairs with running into them! I can’t recall my exactly what I said…but remember saying, “is this the same one?” She replied “I am the same one” in a voice that seemed rather unhappy. I’m hot. Divalicious actually. (A word I learned in “I Used to miss Him but My Aim is Improving” which is an hysterically funny book.) He had a rather satisfied smirk on his face. I’m not sure what that was about. But I’ll be smirking now.
During our brief exchange yesterday I extended my had to his new supply source. She gave me a very limp handshake as I said, “it’s good to see you again.” And this is true. At first I thought I was just being a well-manner southern woman. But then I decided it was good to see her! I was very delighted with myself for not being with him! (We used to workout regularly together. I threatened to stop after he kept trying to sneak in the exercise facility without paying the guest fee!)
And…as I reflect on his actions yesterday, he was trying to hide her from me. She should have been doing the circuit because she really isn’t in shape. I think free weights are usually done by the serious and one risks injury because of the “free” nature of lifting. But then there would have been the three of us working out together!
He is such a risk taker. The day after Christmas he brought a woman there abut I’m not sure if it was the same one. He saw me and started to say “Merry Christmas” but didn’t get through the sentiment. He then said, “I thought you’d be at work.”
He really miscalculated my sassiness, strength, and courage…(along with wisdom). He miscalculated that he will always have to deal with me. If he hadn’t shown an utter disregard for my humanity the night I went to his house for comfort when I thought my son, who was hospitalized, would die, I might have still been dating him. If he’d still been living in another city I wouldn’t have gone to his house that night. I wouldn’t have interrupted his telephone conversation with another woman which made him very angry and hostile toward me. I told her all this in October.
Can you imagine the lies he came up with to keep her? That goes to show the lying skills of the psychopath. However, lying is unskillful speech (a Buddhist principle) and eventually the truth will be revealed for those willing to see.
I see with greater clarity. This very harsh lesson will remind me to pay attention to the red flags and set healthier boundaries. 2009 is the year I get in touch with my inner divaliciousness.
Oh, and when I got home yesterday, I danced all about my house! I was so excited it was difficult to fall asleep. I don’t ever want to see him at my door again.
But they always do come back.
Morgan
hi all my LF friends …
haven’t been posting, but have been checking in on everyone’s progress; smiling and crying with you all. i was doing pretty well until … this past friday when i returned home from work to this message from my ex-spath. NC for more than 5 months now. ready?
”hi, this is SPATH. i’ve been looking back on everything that happened between us and i just wanted you to know … (at this point i’m ready, finally, for an apology. yea, right.) … i want you to know that i now realize that i was being a bastard to everyone because of all the stress you were causing in my life. if it hadn’t been for you, i never would have had trouble with my wife or kids, and ____ (his new pregnant girlfriend) has been the greatest blessing in my life. so, it was a very good move for me to leave you for her. we are extremely happy and my relationship with ____ (wife) and kids is better than ever. you have to realize that you have a lot of problems and that is why i didn’t want you any more, and no one wants you, including your son (REALLY low blow here).”
at this point, i hung up the phone and deleted the message. but the damage was done. i’ve spent the last two days just miserable, crying, raging. i have been very happy to be rid of him, but in less than a minute he has me second-guessing everything i am again. he’s happy. i’m alone and sad. how do they always end up on top despite their disgusting amoral behavior?
i know i’m not perfect, but i never once did anything to hurt him. never gave him up, said no. always had his back. gave him everything and then some.
five months of no contact and he felt obligated to tell me this?
sigh.
And…this guy is so filled with anxiety he doesn’t just grind his teeth–his jaws click! So, even though he is callous and could care less about me, I do represent a threat to his current and future supply sources. If only I’d had an ex-girlfriend to talk to!
Question: what do you think I should do if I see her again? Should I just wait for her to approach me? I thought I’d give her my phone number in case she ever decided she’d like some truth about his relationship with me.
lostingrief,
that message was cruel! you deserve to be treated compassionately. i’m using this alone time to work on strengthening my soul. my spirituality nurtures and heals. whatever path you take, know you are a good person. he must be unhappy to leave such a mean message. happy people don’t act like that.
happiness truly does come from within. psychopaths don’t have much of a chance to be happy. but we do! i’ve been doing lots of work to turn this horrible situation around. my radar detector has been fine tuned. now i can have greater awareness about these reptilian creatures. i’m going to trust my intuition next time. it’s about me.
make it about you and not him.
for me, it’s like he’s in my mind and won’t leave. but each day he fades away a little more. healing from such a traumatic event takes time.
Lostingrief: I’m sorry you had to hear another despicable lie from THE LIAR. The LIARS will always play the blame game … on any one, every one that happens to be unfortunate to be in their space.
You were forced to listen to the message. It is not your fault. You have to remember their MO is to always sabotage some one’s happiness and tranquility … because their happiness and tranquility eludes them … and that’s why they search for it for brief moments in time whenever they meet some one/anyone new. As soon as reality sets in … they start the flight scenario over and over and over again.
On the positive side, you can and will heal from the encounter with him. They, on the other hand, will never reach the point of healing … since they always focus outside themselves to place the blame on every one any one that is available.
I wish you peace during this set back … and pray for a quick healing to your heart, mind and soul.
lostingrief: I read your post and his message was cruel. I agree with Morgan, I don’t believe that he is happy. I feel for you, lostingrief, I know how heartbreaking the raging and crying is… but the being alone is the toughest for me, I am alone and sad, but I am really fighting it, using positive affirmations, etc.
I don’t post too often myself, but I just wanted you to know I am out here thinking & praying about you.