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The getting in is easy, why’s the getting out so hard?

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / The getting in is easy, why’s the getting out so hard?

November 6, 2008 //  by Steve Becker, LCSW

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If it’s easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn’t always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult?

In retrospect (if we’re lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I’ve addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively.

But here I’d like to consider a less-appreciated factor.

I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something is amiss. The next best time to leave the relationship would the second signal that something is amiss.

When we don’t act on these early signals, increasingly we are less likely to act on subsequent ones. One of many reasons for this is the process of habituation.

Habituation is basically how, through repeated exposure to something initially uncomfortable, even highly disturbing, we adjust to it. We are built, it seems, to habituate to unsettling situations and experiences.

And the key to successful habituation is exposure. Sustained exposure to almost anything increases our tolerance of, and comfort with, it.

Consider what happens when we’re willing to endure the initial shock of cold water in a lake, or pool. Our sustained exposure (non-flight) gradually results in our bodies’ adjusting, or habituating, to the cold water, which begins to feel less cold, maybe even warm.

This is great news for someone with a social phobia. We just have to be willing to intentionally expose ourselves, repeatedly and sustainedly, to disturbing social situations, and quite likely we’ll experience a gradual reduction of anxiety.

Unfortunately the same thing can be said of abusive, exploitative relationships. The longer you expose yourself to, and repeatedly tolerate, the abuse, the more habituated you become to it.

Alarming behaviors that initially signaled our self-protective response (like flight) gradually lose their activating properties as we habituate to them. The avoidance-flight signal particularly—in the face of repeated, sustained exposure—dulls and/or we become less responsive to it.

Heeding the avoidant-flight response, in other words, can be critical to our safety and self-interest. It is great to confront and conquer avoidance when the avoidance hinders our personal growth; but it is dangerous to do so in the face of real, violating circumstances.

When I work with partners of sociopaths and other abusers, I find that habituation to the exploiter’s abuse often has occurred over time and contributes to the inertia that keeps the exploited partner in the relationship.

Of course there are often many other (and sometimes more compelling) reasons that one stays in a relationship with an exploitative partner.

But habituation to the abuse, I believe, is not only real, but sometimes helps explain why an otherwise dignified individual would tolerate behaviors that, from the outside—that is, from the unhabituated’s perspective—should be (or should have been) no-brainer deal-breakers.

When relevant I encourage clients to examine this factor in their analysis of the indignities they’ve sustained sometimes for years in relationships with disturbed, violating partners.

Paradoxically (and precisely to my point) their suffering was often highest early in the relationship before, through habituation, they grew slowly more numb and inured to—more tolerant of—the abuse, and thereby less motivated to do what was advisable at the outset—flee.

(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)

Category: Recovery from a sociopath, Seduced by a sociopath, Sociopaths and family

Previous Post: « Captive Audience for a Murderer
Next Post: When Mom or her partner is a sociopath »
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neveragain
16 years ago

As we all know, anyone who would leave a message that toxic, that mean-spirited ….unless reacting to someone who had raped them or something….is EVIL, PURE POISON….and just tell yourself that truth every time you think of him. You deserve MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better. You gave your all to a being that turned out to have RABIES. Keep AWAY. You hear his voice, push delete then. Hard I know. The injustice is hard. But believe me, you are MUCH MUCH better off alone than anyone is with him. The only reason he called was to make you feel bad, don’t let him win. REJOICE that he is out of your life. If you have lingering feelings for him, write them here and let all of us help you. Of course he had to tell you “this”….he’s trying to get a high out of hurting you.

Rune
16 years ago

Morgan: You might give her your phone number. Tell her that maybe one day she’d like to call. Don’t let him see, or he’ll twist it and manipulate her out of taking your number.

It may help her in the future. She’s not really the “OW,’ she’s just prey. When she’s inevitably dropped, she might need some help to keep from falling off the deep end. You can be her reality check, if you truly can carry the blessing: Namaste.

Morgan
16 years ago

Rune: I feel compassion for her. I think the reason why he has targeted her is related to money. She obviously has fallen for his charm.

I know that yesterday had to be another red flag for her but probably not for the reasons she thinks. I’m a divalicious woman who lives 5 minutes from her boyfriend. If I was 2 1/2 hours away I’d be wondering what he’s up to. He’ll repeat the same pattern with her. There will be a night he’s not available, etc etc. I thought about calling his number at 3am. There’s a way to block my number. But I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hear his voice!!

I will give her my phone number the next time I see her. Hopefully, she won’t tell him. I want to be available when she’s ready to hear the truth.

And, in keeping with my spiritual practice, I try to have compassion for him. I think he is truly a miserable person who must suffer far greater than me. I am moving on with my life after learning a valuable lesson. He’ll never change.

Healing can happen. I don’t want anyone to take my precious life from me. It is difficult at times and I struggle. But I’ve emerged from the horror and see the silver lining.

This website has been very helpful in that process. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to the blog.

Rune
16 years ago

Morgan: Yes, she may need to talk with you someday. I sensed your compassion.

As to him suffering — he doesn’t. Don’t waste your time thinking that. His motivations are so alien from yours that you would get nauseated if you even got close to thinking the way he does. Martha Stout in “The Sociopath Next Door” says, “Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. They don’t have any,” If she exaggerated, I don’t think it’s by much.

Any healing that comes to these predators will be in a way and on a level that we don’t understand now, and that we personally certainly cannot engineer. Don’t waste your time on anyone who has so clearly shown themselves to be an energy sink.

But yes, I believe it’s an act of grace, and might even be a lifeline, for you to extend your phone number to this woman.

Morgan
16 years ago

Thanks, Rune. I try to have as little interaction with him as possible. You’re right about predators. He’s not going to change. The whole thing is just so weird.

He wants to be “friends” but I told him that I’m not friends with ex-boyfriends! Why he would think I would possibly want to be a friend after what he’s done to me is unbelievable. But it does demonstrate how he doesn’t recognize his actions as deplorable. You’re right. I can’t possibly begin to imagine what goes on in his mind.

Matt
16 years ago

Morgan:

I’m with you — I hate my exes, just the way God intended.

Tonight I met a friend for a drinik. When I walked into the bar, I hesitated for a moment wondering if S was there. Then I decided f*ck him. I’m done changing my life around for him.

Not to say it’s exactly been a red-letter day. I was cleaning out drawers and stumbled across a trove of photos and souvenirs from trips the ex-S and I went on. I actually started shaking. I had to close the drawer and leave the house to get some air.

Up until now I thought life was fine and I was moving on. Not that I want S back in my life. But, damn, I am surprised at the impact these creatures can still have on us after the fact.

Just when you think it’s safe to go back into the water…

Rune
16 years ago

Speaking of exes, perhaps it helps if you don’t even honor them with THAT title. I realized that I actually NEVER was in a relationship with the predator. It never was a relationship in any way that makes sense in the realm of normal.

No sweet moments, no thoughtfulness, nothing to remember with bittersweet nostalgia. Nothing. The coffee he brought me in the morning? I wonder if I’ll be able to handle it if another person is ever in my life and tries to bring me the gift of coffee in bed.

Anyone know where to get a big pink eraser to just eliminate the past several years?

Wini
16 years ago

Rune: I fully agree with you. We can say instead … the slime ball that invested my life did this or that… etc.

Peace.

Wini
16 years ago

I meant to say infested … no way did he invest anything in my life. Must have been a Freudian slip.

Matt
16 years ago

Wini:

Yeah, there was an investment — the one we made in them. Talk about your losing propositions…

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