I believe in miracles.
Not the rock your world, holy saints and rising apparitions kind of miracles. But rather, the light shifting, change your life, in this moment kind of miracle that takes you by the hand and guides you home. The kind of miracle that awakens you to the truth that this moment is all you’ve got. The kind of miracle that says, grab me and run with me or lose the miracle of your life forever.
I know about miracles like that. I got one on a sunny May morning five years ago when I had given myself up for dead. Well, not dead-dead, but rather, the walking breathing dead kind of living that leeches all energy from your body and leaves you without hope of ever finding a way back to the land of the living.
My miracle appeared in the form of a blue and white police car driving up and arresting the sociopath who had been lying and cheating and manipulating and abusing me for the length of our four year nine month relationship.
When first we’d met I thought his name was Prince Charming. I loved the view of the short cut to happiness he promised me and jumped onto the runaway train of his promises of happily ever after. I never expected to find myself lost in hell, in cahoots with the Prince of Darkness and praying for a miracle I didn’t believe I deserved, to set me free.
But then, that’s the funny thing about miracles. They don’t come looking for believers. They just appear, like stars in a darkened sky coming out at night. It’s not that they weren’t there all along, it’s just lost in the pit of despair, we lose sight of the miracles around us. Too frightened to open our eyes in the blinding light of day, we shut out the world and crawl into the cave of desperation, shutting ourselves off from belief and hope and possibility and even miracles.
It was a miracle the police found us. He was hiding out, trying to escape the country, and I was hiding behind the smile I’d pasted on my face, pretending to be the person he told me to be, or else. The miracle saved me from finding out what the ”˜or else’ might be.
Looking back, it was a miracle I was still alive. I had seventy-two cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my beautiful Golden Retriever, Ellie, who had travelled that rocky road beside me, faithfully keeping step to my faltering footsteps as I travelled further and further from life as I knew it.
I don’t know who said this, but I find it very powerful, “Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”
On that day in May, five years ago, I knew I didn’t get a miracle to live in pain and sorrow. I knew I got the miracle to live in joy. But, in the process of losing myself on the road to hell, I had become someone I didn’t recognize, someone I didn’t love. I knew I had to change. I feared I didn’t know how.
Change is always possible. Ending something that isn’t working for me requires me to change what I’m doing. When I awoke from that relationship, there was very little that was working in my life. So much was broken, so much was in disarray.
To change my life, I had to surrender my disease and embrace my ability to heal. To heal, I had to change the anger into forgiveness. The sorrow into laughter. The hatred into love. I had to let go of who I had become on that journey and fall into love with who I could become in healing by letting go of my fear of falling and learning how to fly free from the pain of the past.
And so, on that morning in May when my world changed and I began to see there was light beyond the darkness, I grabbed my miracle and set out to recover my joy. Step by step. Moment by moment. And, in the process I uncovered the greatest miracle of my life. Me.
I believe in miracles. I am one.
The question is: What do you believe in? Do you believe you’re some big cosmic experiment gone awry in one hopelessly lost human being, or a miracle of life, unique and magnificent, a shining example of the best of human being, full of possibilities, endlessly in love with the wonder and the miracle of being you?
It’s the left arrow and right arrow…called them carrots, didn’t I? Somehow I think I learned that somewhere – the greater than and lesser than symbols as carrots. LOL. Not covered in shit, although they could use a nice can of compressed air to clean them.
You are both, as always, quite wise.
“Struggling to let go in your mind is what you have been talking about a lot Lil Orphan, right? (I think it was you.) Check to see what you are replaying in your mind when you are struggling the most” just as an excercise. I do understand the loss a person would have to face if they accept that life’s sweetest moments were fake. That would be very painful. I do understand this” but if this is what keeps you captive in your mind, maybe it would help to set it free or put it away for awhile. ”
Part of what’s stirring this up is the passage of time, feeling stronger, looking back and thinking that what he did wasn’t so bad. AND going out on these DATES for this series of articles I’m writing for the site where I freelance.
Just came back from one: handsome guy, owns his own business, ambitious, flies helicopters, freely opens his mouth and discusses all sorts of fascinating topics, is expansive, kind…
and damn…every time I have one of these I think of the P — feeling like there’s unfinished business. Feeling like I’ll never care again for anyone like I did for him. Feeling like it’s futile to keep going out on these dates, just to cry as I drive home. Bet these guys I’m meeting who tell me I’m smart and attractive and funny have no idea I’m sitting here typing in tears after they take me out.
Maybe it’s just too soon. But I learned over the intervening years between the P that if I don’t go out and date I will get to a point where I won’t even bother. That makes me more likely to be sucked-in by the next P.
I’ve NEVER dated much, on purpose, since getting divorced in 1995. Have always been hung-up on the P or seeing the P or in various stages of confusion over him.
So getting out there is good. But the way I feel afterwards is AWFUL. I want to stay home from work and just go to bed right now and keep bawling, for not feeling anything for these new guys. For everything I felt for him that now is no longer real. My heart is like squeezing in my chest and I could throw-up. Great date, huh?
It seems that if I spend any amount of time thinking how I’ve only ever loved two guys and neither of them could handle any kind of emotional closeness or figure out ways not to be abusive, physically or verbally and emotionally, I will probably toss myself off a building. Well, not really. But you know what I mean. Me, who lived and breathed the whole concept of loving someone loyally, permanently, intimately — just one person – has had utter failure. But not just failure, painful horrible love experiences. Failure is tolerable.
This crazy land of love that’s stated but not real, love that wounds you instead of heals, is like a slap in the face.
That’s why I’m holding on to the good memories, because it’s too hard to see what happened with him as false…it wasn’t false for me. Without those two experiences, I’d have none at all, except the (important but not the same) love I have for friends and family, or little kids and puppies.
And more than anything or anyone I knew, I believed in the dream of experiencing that kind of closeness with one special human being.
Maybe I can’t give that up just yet.
rperk,
My career path has been a winding road and I have been through a lot. But, since leaving the Bad Man, I made the decision to pursue working in Social Services. I had about 6 months experience prior to going to the islands working with children in the Foster Care system.
Currently, I work at a group home for teenage girls and at The Children’s Shelter where children are brought while the County tries to find them a Foster Home or Group Home placement after they have been removed from their home for all kinds of reasons. I also volunteered at a Homeless Shelter for families but now with 2 jobs, I don’t have time anymore.
If you are wondering if I have always been the kind of person that has done volunteer work, the answer is no. My decision to shift my career direction and definately me time with Bad Man made me do this and it has helped to heal because it gets me out of my own head and problems.
I think I would like to work with women recovering from Domestic Violence and Abusive relationships in the future but I think it might be a little scary. I do not like scary things. Still, I have applied to go to Grad School for a Masters in Social Work and I am waiting to hear if I have been accepted for the Fall. Long term goal may be to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker which can do counseling and therapy.
I don’t think I have any gifts for therapy or anything but I have realized that I am okay with being around pain and that at the shelter, the Children gravitate to me as someone they can easily talk to or get a cuddle from.. and boy do some of them need it! Sometimes the job tears me up but I am learning how to cope better.
It’s funny but a friend of mine in college told me once, in anger, “If I am hurting, you know how to be there for me but if I am happy, you don’t know what to do.” There was some truth in that. So, I know what I need to work on but she was right… I know how to be around pain.
I am not sure how I would do in a Shelter for Battered Women. I think it would be hard to sit there and talk with a woman that is all beaten up… but I guess it’s just like LF. We share and continue to shine the light and hope that it will pierce through the FOG.
LilOrphan,
AHA! You are a kindred spirit. Nothing would send me reeling back in my mind like a date with a guy for some dang reason. Being swept off your feet for even 5 minutes casts a powerful spell on you. Once you have had that, you become convinced that anything less is no god. But, this is ths stuff of Fairytales. If I ever have a daughter, I think I will banish these stupid books from the home. They are fairytales.. hello.. FAIRIES… there are no fairies the last time I checked but don’t we buy into these as women?!
And yes, I believed in love.. deep committed, get through anything in the name of love.. LOVE. Deep bonding, keeping my word, honoring, cherishing, WORSHIPPING… L-O-V-E!
Check your definition of love and what it means to you. Is it healthy? Is it safe?
Love means something else to me now. It means SAFE.
Would l like to have someone sweep me off my feet.. yes.. and NO. I say sweep me off my feet AFTER you have done your “due diligence” as they say in business. Being swpet off your feet by someone you hardly know is unsafe for you and for them.
A very good friend told me BEFORE I moved to Maui, “You should wait AT LEAST 6 months before intimately involving your life with someone because no one can hide that they are crazy for longer than that.” GOD WAS HE RIGHT.. but I didn’t listen. Bad Man showed me who he was after the 3rd date.
I am seeing someone now but we have not even progressed to the point of saying we are dating. We have had nothing but a quick smooch and that’s it… I admitt.. it sure would be nice to have a make out. HAHA! There are times when I get antsy and I want more and there are times where I realize… this is mature. This is better. We live in a culture of instant gratification and that translates to our relationships as well and I just don’t want this anymore. And I don’t want to be with a man who can’t act like a man and have some self control and patience and treat me like a lady. BM TOTALLY pressured me for sex too fast and I gave in because he said, “Why do all the Bad Boys get sex and the good guys have to wait?!” I can’t believe I fell for that crap.
So anyway, I do understand that dating is a trigger for you.. I think it is perfect that you have this assignment because the universe is making you get out there.. which is just the right medicine for you, if you ask me!
Thanx for sharing Aloha, I know this probably wasn’t the place to ask but I was just wondering if I am ready to become an advocate again. Which by the way, you seem to be so good with people, I believe you would help so many women.
Thank you rperk. I needed that! :o)
He didn’t sweep me off my feet. That’s the unholy part of all this.
Compared to these guys I’m meeting he’s not even in their league, financially, socially, intelligence-wise….and as a human being, well who knows?
Objectively, the FACTS: He was cheating with a married person, his life was a shambles when he dragged me back into it, he was caught in several lies, nothing he “fixed” works (the brakes, toilet and ceiling he worked on are all still broken!!), he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there when the chips were down, he said crazy-making things to try and hurt me, he had no economic responsibility, he ruined every relationship he’s EVER had and has serious alcohol issues as well as denial. He wasn’t particularly smart, or decent to others. He admitted unethical behavior and a need to run every show. He embarrassed me publicly by his rage at these kids one night, for absolutely NOTHING important. He never said a nice thing about anyone else, including HIS OWN FRIENDS.
Those are the facts. These are the things I’ve observed and others have observed and discussed with me. These are all the things that led me to run like hell.
But I have this blindness, the fog or whatever, that keeps me from FEELING these things. I am intellectually aware of them as FACTS though. And have been since 2001.
Aside from interacting with him and his crazymaking, I’ve been the same solid, decent, loving person all of my life to everyone in my life. Have the same friends for forever, am always relied upon, have always been appreciated for being who I am consistently, alone or with other people.
Intellectually, all of these things are true. It was only with him that I ever acted out of character in response to what he was doing.
It’s the dream I’m mourning. It really is. Because the reality is not what he presented — from day to day it changed. Which means logically there is no REAL, consistent, reliable HIM to speak of.
I am rushing things, with all this multi-dating. It’s nice to be so appreciated by guys after the hurtful things he said and did, and it’s nice to know they’re attracted to me and that kind men exist. But until I can feel what I’ve known to be factually-supported for ten years….regardless of his “acting performance” I will probably be triggered.
Thanks, Aloha, for making me really think about it with my brains rather than my too-forgiving heart.
Six months, aloha? His was three. The very first time he verbally abused me on the phone, screaming, mocking and raging at me for not picking up the phone earlier that day was three months into seeing him again.
And yes, I believed in love.. deep committed, get through anything in the name of love.. LOVE. Deep bonding, keeping my word, honoring, cherishing, WORSHIPPING” L-O-V-E!
So do I. That’s what makes me keep going in circles over this. I had it for him, even after he showed me what he was about. That’s what converges with the FOO issues: he presented a different public face from his private, bad truth. I was used to that growing up in an abusive home, and gravitated to what was familiar — even knowing better.
Maybe that’s where the confusion about love stems from, and how I can know what I know but still feel care and concern for someone who doesn’t treat me well.
No.. he did something abusive after the third date.. not the third month. (that makes me look even more stupid doesn’t it?)
Bad Man could never hold it together longer than a few days.
:o(
I try not to blame my FOO but I have thought about some of the dynamics there and how they have influenced me. And if I am honest, I have a history of trying to make people like me that don’t treat me all that well. I have had to question myself.. why do I want to be a part of this group or that? Clearly, they are not my kind of people.
My instinct is telling me that there is something you have not accepted about what happened or that you have not integrated and that is keeping you in what we will call… informed denial. :o) I made that up just for you! I hope you don’t mind.
I lived in informed denial for quite awhile.. in fact, I moved in with BM with informed denial. I KNEW what I was getting into.
You know..I did some stupid stuff but I am willing to admitt it because I know that a lot of us are dealing with this and didn’t Donna write a great essay about looking stupid? And you know what.. I think she’s smart. We can do stupid things and still be the smart women we are. Isn’t that great?
Maybe you are refusing to really feel through what happened because it is too much to stomach. Maybe you can take a piece at a time. Take a big moment… a moment where you have some nice memory of it even though there were parts of that incident that were just horrible… and meditate on integrating the experience so that you are willing to see and feel the truth about it. Start with something small. And then move on to another one and go down your list.
These sociopathic encounters are not something we can deal with quickly. There is so much there that it is difficult to process. I ahve said this before but long after I left Maui, I would be driving in m car and suddenly remember something so aweful that BM said to me and it would land on me like an avalanche. I actually pulled my car off the road once because I couldn’t see from all the water works. He said something so offensive to my soul that I just could not cope with it when it happened.. but it had to be let go.
What do you say?
He said something so offensive to my soul that I just could not cope with it when it happened.. but it had to be let go.
What do you say?
I say this:
Have always had a hard time giving up on people I cared about, whether it was from years of better experiences, moments where they were their better selves, malignant optimism, a weird childhood, a too-soft heart (that’s what my friends say is the problem) or just the inability to give up on people. Have always been this way, even with people who were mean to me as a child. Even with bullies. If they were hurting later, I wanted to comfort them, even though they’d been mean to me and even if I socked ’em one right back on the playground.
I feel guilty admitting and writing the things I said about him, even though they happened and are true. Why? Where is that loyalty coming from? Loyal to what? And yet, I do feel bad saying anything bad about him. Yes, it’s nutty. Good hearted, but nutty.
I did do some stupid stuff, and things that made me question my own nature. But then you’ve got 98 percent of your life’s behavior that shows who you are and maybe 2 percent that confounds even you. With him, it was always that 2 percent.
He’s the only person who’s ever pushed my buttons like that, and I just want to be able to stop forgetting the bad in him or excusing it and remembering the good.
All the P and N stuff is new to me, but finding it was a revelation — either several dozen women on another board were either all dating the same guy I was OR he had a personality disorder.
Someone said the longest journey they ever took was from the heart to the brain. I need to integrate into my heart what my brain is saying and not feel bad or disloyal or feel that I’m “giving up” on him as a human being.
I understand myself in every single area of life except when it comes to him. Huge blindspot. Nobody around me understands….nobody around from years ago will even DISCUSS it with me.
They despise him and the toying with me.
All they ever say is that I’m worth 20 of him or deserve so much better and that he is beneath me, yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I’d find myself getting mad at them — the people who have consistently been wonderful human beings. including my own daughter who didn’t think he was good enough.
So, what do I think? I think I have to stop thinking about it. He was what he was, all along, and he said so himself: “smoke and mirrors, all about me, you should hate me.”
He knew he was unequipped and told me so, and that he was going to do what he did because it’s what he does.
And I will eventually heal by not poking at the scab.