I believe in miracles.
Not the rock your world, holy saints and rising apparitions kind of miracles. But rather, the light shifting, change your life, in this moment kind of miracle that takes you by the hand and guides you home. The kind of miracle that awakens you to the truth that this moment is all you’ve got. The kind of miracle that says, grab me and run with me or lose the miracle of your life forever.
I know about miracles like that. I got one on a sunny May morning five years ago when I had given myself up for dead. Well, not dead-dead, but rather, the walking breathing dead kind of living that leeches all energy from your body and leaves you without hope of ever finding a way back to the land of the living.
My miracle appeared in the form of a blue and white police car driving up and arresting the sociopath who had been lying and cheating and manipulating and abusing me for the length of our four year nine month relationship.
When first we’d met I thought his name was Prince Charming. I loved the view of the short cut to happiness he promised me and jumped onto the runaway train of his promises of happily ever after. I never expected to find myself lost in hell, in cahoots with the Prince of Darkness and praying for a miracle I didn’t believe I deserved, to set me free.
But then, that’s the funny thing about miracles. They don’t come looking for believers. They just appear, like stars in a darkened sky coming out at night. It’s not that they weren’t there all along, it’s just lost in the pit of despair, we lose sight of the miracles around us. Too frightened to open our eyes in the blinding light of day, we shut out the world and crawl into the cave of desperation, shutting ourselves off from belief and hope and possibility and even miracles.
It was a miracle the police found us. He was hiding out, trying to escape the country, and I was hiding behind the smile I’d pasted on my face, pretending to be the person he told me to be, or else. The miracle saved me from finding out what the ”˜or else’ might be.
Looking back, it was a miracle I was still alive. I had seventy-two cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my beautiful Golden Retriever, Ellie, who had travelled that rocky road beside me, faithfully keeping step to my faltering footsteps as I travelled further and further from life as I knew it.
I don’t know who said this, but I find it very powerful, “Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”
On that day in May, five years ago, I knew I didn’t get a miracle to live in pain and sorrow. I knew I got the miracle to live in joy. But, in the process of losing myself on the road to hell, I had become someone I didn’t recognize, someone I didn’t love. I knew I had to change. I feared I didn’t know how.
Change is always possible. Ending something that isn’t working for me requires me to change what I’m doing. When I awoke from that relationship, there was very little that was working in my life. So much was broken, so much was in disarray.
To change my life, I had to surrender my disease and embrace my ability to heal. To heal, I had to change the anger into forgiveness. The sorrow into laughter. The hatred into love. I had to let go of who I had become on that journey and fall into love with who I could become in healing by letting go of my fear of falling and learning how to fly free from the pain of the past.
And so, on that morning in May when my world changed and I began to see there was light beyond the darkness, I grabbed my miracle and set out to recover my joy. Step by step. Moment by moment. And, in the process I uncovered the greatest miracle of my life. Me.
I believe in miracles. I am one.
The question is: What do you believe in? Do you believe you’re some big cosmic experiment gone awry in one hopelessly lost human being, or a miracle of life, unique and magnificent, a shining example of the best of human being, full of possibilities, endlessly in love with the wonder and the miracle of being you?
Little wonder we end up with someone who is only about image, eh? An imperfect fit, but one we know oh so well from our upbringing.
Wow – yes! Or we end up in relationships that have the private and public face, like my marriage was.
I never even realized I was being abused as a kid. Well, I mean, seriously, I knew what was happening and knew it was wrong, but if anyone had asked me (and I’m sure they did) if my family life was fine or happy or whatever, I would’ve said YES in a heartbeat. And meant it.
It wasn’t until I was safely away from THEM (but then dealing with a physically abusive husband) that everything about growing up there got processed.
I’m slow to process things for what they are, even though I see them as they happen. A lot of that is shock — I have trouble accepting what happens when its someone I care about acting badly, and things do effect me deeply, sometimes so deeply it takes days to figure out how I’m really feeling. But I think it’s also the ingrained denial from childhood — that not really understanding what is good or bad when it’s a mixed bag of both and you love the people involved.
OxD:
I do know what you mean about when it’s only your own problems to deal with that life is simpler. Most of this decade until 2006 was like that, other than dealing with my kids’ problems. Which is different than dealing with an adult’s issues.
Breezed right through those years and they were peaceful, but I was missing something — someone to really love and care for on a healthy, adult level. I’m not meant to live alone, and the farther I get living alone the more ingrained my habits become and the more difficult it will become to adapt to the presence of another adult. Which I intend to have and really do want for the future.
Was going to respond in the “boundaries” comments area and thank you guys for the explanation. But most of us read pretty much everywhere, so I’ll do it here. There was a great deal of good information provided there.
What I was really wondering about boundaries is HOW. The responses said that you have to walk away from someone who does these unacceptable things, but in my case, the only ones left doing that are family members. And they aren’t abusive verbally or physically, but they do tend to walk all over me.
Not like I can tell them to go to hell and leave me alone!! Well, I could, I guess – you did, after all – but inside I CAN’T. Not without the guilt and shame of it eating me alive. Which to me is worse than just dealing with them.
With the Guy, I confronted him about the verbal abuse and said I would “rethink the relationship” if it happened again and leave if it went beyond that. But then he just found other means to cross my boundaries: talking about other women, hinting about other relationships, not showing up on time, not doing what he said he would, last minute plan-making, that sort of thing.
And I found myself doing one of two things – one kind of healthy but passive-aggressive and the other, totally unhealthy and designed to bring back self-blame and guilt. I either a. stopped talking to him for a few days, or b. started looking for other people to date. Which was stupid, because I would never cheat on anyone and didn’t want to date anyone else! But I hinted at it, like he did to me, just to get back at him.
When I shoulda just said “cut it out – if you want to be with me, you can’t do that.” Right?
But you get hooked in, and besides that, with all the history between us, I really did love him too much to leave him. He had made it into my inner circle to some extent, though I did not really SHARE myself with him as I do with other people in my circle. I still hid a great deal of myself from him, and did not give him my full heart or best qualities because I was waiting to see if he was serious.
I remained tepid, disinterested and unemotional for most of the interactions, because I suspected he would leave and I would not let him walk off having had the best of my heart. Also because my intensity and devotion are a lot to take for some people, and he had shown in the past that my level of real love and intimacy freaked him out.
What I’m getting to I think is this question: if the people in your life closest to you understand that you will not leave them or do anything bad to them how do you get them to stop if they are pushing your boundaries?
It’s not a matter of self-esteem. Never once did I think I deserved any of that crap from him or even from my parents. I was pretty clear on that issue, inside, each and every time. It’s a matter of being someone who seems unable to set-aside the people they love, because it causes more guilt and self-castigation in the long run and because you love them.
When I set a boundary — what are some good alternative consequences to use other than leaving?
(I know, with a P it doesn’t matter, because by the time they’ve crossed your boundaries or they selfishly find something else they’d rather be doing – or more like, someone else – they’re causing fights trying to get you to end things.)
But with NORMAL people, healthy people who make benevolent mistakes, what are some good things to do if you arent’ someone who leaves other people?
Thanks, Free. I’m glad your hair turned out great!
I have said it. I can say it until the cows come home.
What I can’t do is leave them.
Ultimately this would cause more harm to me because I would not be able to live with myself for turning my back on them at their ages. Really. Have thought about this and thought about this for years. I know that I’d be consigning myself to a life of complete misery and self-loathing if I left them. It would be my version of Hell.
The best I’ve been able to muster is just setting them aside for a few weeks at a time. But really leaving? Not something I could live with.
Thank you free. That validation is important. That post may have seemed painful, but it’s not something I don’t talk about freely. It’s just something I haven’t integrated yet or dealt with on an emotional level – not something for which I’m in denial. Nebulous territory.
What I mean is this: in my 20’s I processed it, inside, for myself. No more denial, no more lying about it. I confronted my family and, to a very small extent, my brother. Then I left my abusive husband. All in about a year or two of time.
But what I didn’t do was deal with how it effects all my other relationships. With men, only. With women and with close male friends, I’m okay. None of the terror or voicelessness or fear. So I spent most of my 30’s alone. It just seemed easier, and right to me. And it turned out to be right.
Then the guy came back and we tried having a real relationship. Him, with his demons, and me, with my utter lack of knowledge on how to have a good relationship and a full cargo load of my own baggage. It was beautiful…until we got too close. Then I was terrified and started acting out rather than speaking, most of the time. Plus there were all these family issues with my daughter and parents being ill, and he was dealing with whatever he was dealing with.
Up until we got too close, it was pretty wonderful.
Now I realize I need to process my feelings about what happened to me before I can go on and have a healthy relationship with someone.
But thank you for validating the experiences because that is huge. Unfortunately, once we realize what happened to us and validate that for ourselves, the validation we really need after those experiences has to come from the people who will never give them to us.
Still, it was beautiful of you and I appreciate it. Especially coming from someone who has walked the same path.
I have to let this go for now and do something productive with the rest of the morning, before work. Hope you get a lot of rest!
Oh, and about the writing thing, or people loving you, or thinking they know you and understand your heart from what you write, it’s pretty common, I think. ML Gallagher always inspires me with her writing, for instance, and all of the writing you guys do here gives me a sense of your hearts and personalities.
Orpahn,
YOu set yourself up in a “self-fulling prophecy” by saying to yourself “I cant do that because of the guilt” etc. YOU CAN DO THAT, AND YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT GUILT.
Guilt is for telling yourself when you are doing wrong. If you shoplift something at the store you SHOULD FEEL GUILTY, but if you DO NOT shop lift why should you feel guilty.?
Setting boundaries is RIGHT, NOT SETTING THEM IS “WRONG”–when you accept that what you are doing is RIGHT, you should not feel guilty. If you do, YOU NEED TO ADJUST YOURSELF—start by saying “Why should I feel guilty for doing what is right?” Then CONTROL your own guilty feeling. YOU CAN do that.
But rememeber the “Little Train that Could”? “I think I CAN, I think I CAN?” If you constantly tell yourself you can’t then you won’t be able to. Tell yourself you CAN.
If someone “stomps your toe” (crosses a boundary) why should YOU apologize or feel guilty by saying “I do not appreciate having my toe stomped”? or “I will not tolerate my toe being stomped”? Or worse yet, saying nothing and letting them do it over and over and over?
I have decided thaty ANYONE (adult) who does not have consideration or MANNERS or treats me REASONABLY AND RESPECTFULLY is not someone I need in my life, it does not matter who it is. As far as children are concerned, you need to MODEL RESPECT FOR THEM,, AND DEMAND THAT THEY COMPLY by giving you back respect.
“Johnny, I do not apprecate you going through my purse and taking money from it. This is theft, and the concesquences are that because you took money out of my purse and knew that this was wrong, we will not go to ______(fill in the blank with some thing they want.)”
“Johnny, when you kick me in the shin, that hurts me and does not show respect for me. I want you to go to your room now, (sit in the corner, whatever) for X amount of time–whatever is appropriate for that age kid. etc.
“mother, when you make comments about how pretty I USED to be, and how I look different NOW, this is hurtful to me, I would appreciate it if you would not make comments like this” If mommie dearest continues, remeind her and then if that doesn’t work, say something like “Mom, I came over to enjoy a visit with you, but your disparaging comments about my appearance (or whatever) are hurtful to me, so I am leaving now and I will come back another day when I can enjoy your company and you are not so inclined to make comments like that.”
Well, got to get to work!
Okay, so you’re saying that all I need to do is speak but be prepared to walk when they violate the terms. And you say I should walk, then, even when I know walking will cause me intense amounts of grief and feeling like I abandoned them.
And that I can “control” my own feelings of grief. That last one I doubt. (Sorry to be a bad little engine, but honestly, it has come up in the past when I’ve walked away from them and eventually went back because my insides were being eaten alive. Same with leaving the guy…or pushing him out, the last time.)
I’ve tried it and it hasn’t worked. Felt guilty about the Guy for five years and turned all of it inward into depression and becoming a hermit. That I can’t do again, because so many years passed me by.
Here’s a for instance: my favorite uncle who helped raise me when I was very young. We got into an argument in 2000. I did not see or speak to him (mostly by chance, but partially because of the fight) for four years. Found out he was gravely ill, and he died on the day we were scheduled to go see him.
That was in 2004. I still cry about him from time to time and feel horribly guilty about it most of the time.
As for the examples, though, thanks. The mom one helped! It’s not my girls. I either just straight shoot them with a response or explain to them – and explaining to them WORKS. Not like what I encountered with the Guy or with my parents, they don’t usually keep doing the same things over and over, like calling me after midnight!
Orphan,
Recently, I had my feelings hurt by members of my family. Won’t go into the story, but I had to stay away from them for just a couple of weeks, so I could regroup about how I felt. I talk to them, but not about what happened because I am not ready to confront them at this time. This is healthy for me because if I said something at this point, I would say hurtful things that I could not take back.
I guess what I am saying is, they are my family, I love them and don’t want to lose them so I have to take a time out for myself to think about how to approach them in a loving way so I can stick up for myself but in a healthy way, not mean and vindictive.
thanks, rperk. I do that too, the whole “I would say hurtful things that I could not take back.” Sometimes I manage to extricate the rest of my body before my mouth takes over. Sometimes…well, not.
Find leaving the situation for a few days helps, but then I’m no longer angry enough to say anything about it..so we go back to business as usual. I used to “time out” myself on my boyfriends, too….for a few hours, or a day, or days. Guess it’s better than saying nothing at all or blasting them to kingdom come, but it’s still not the best way. With the girls, I’m good. That’s because they know me so well and I trust them completely, so if I yell, I yell and they still love me, or vice-versa. We do get into fights, but they end quickly and we say what we need to and we even cross lines, BUT…we forgive one another completely.
Funny how you say “business as usual” cuz I do the same thing. People can say over and over again, just get them out of your life if they treat you bad. Not so simple is it?!
Sorry, when I read what I wrote it seems so negative. I didn’t mean for it to sound that way. I just wish it was more simple than it actually is living it.