You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Guys,
Thanks–the “barn” is a SHANTY on 1/4 of an acre that cornered on our property that we bought, it wasn’t worth fixing so we used as a “warehouse” storage building for lumber til part of teh roof blew off a few months ago, I told my X-friends they could store stome stuff there and when the roof blew off I told them, and then told them I was going to destroy the building on June 1, (gave them 90 days notice) they still haven’t come gotten the stuff. We will slavage some of the lumber and windows and doors out of the building, but it is mostly FIRE WOOD and nails. Will burn it with the fire department (my son is volunteer on it and I am retired from 13 yrs on it) then get a friend to bull doze the rest and bury it to clean up the lot. I wish it was a real antique barn!
Jim, I am so sorry about your friend’s situation. Unfortunately, though she “got away’ from the first P she did not HEAL, she did not learn what it was about herself that made her vulnerable to such a controlling STALKER.
Just for a minute think about this—you and I are friends, imagine ME in the situation she was in with the guy coming toMY house at midnight, calling and so on. Can you IMAGINE WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE? What Tilly or any of the rest of the SOOPER-DOOPER GALS here on LF would have done—-we would either have shot the window peeping creep or at the VERY LEAST CALLED THE COPS. We sure would not have gone to a concert with him, or let him sit by us if he showed up.
Why? Because though in the past that kind of stalking might have worked with some of us but because we are learning about them AND OUR SELVES and what the FOG is that we would NOT HAVE TOLERATED HIM.
In addition to that, she KNOWS you KNOW what is going on, and actually, I think she is ashamed that she has complained to you about his stalking and NOW SHE IS WITH HIM. So, YOU KNOW about him, she has already exposed what he is, and she is with him, and she knows you know—-so ring around the rosey!
Even though she has been with a psychopath in teh past, she has NOT LEATRNED A DARN THING about healing and keeping herself free from these people. She has not grown as the people here on LF have grown. She is not able or willing to put forth the effort and pain necessary to fix the only person she can fix, HERSELF. She is still wishing that someone else can “proavide” her with “happiness”—-ain’t gonna happen.
Jim, I know you think she betrayed you, lied to you, but I think she is LYING TO HERSELF rather than you. I think you had even indicated that you were kind of hoping that this friendship might eventually turn into more than just a “lunch buddy” relationship (if I am worng please excuse my CRS) but she is betraying herself AGAIN.
I think lots of folks who “blame the victim” (like her) who gets out of one BAD relationship and then either goes back to the first BAD ACTOR or finds another bad actor, doesn’t really realize what is happening. These people who are so traumatized, but don’t really realize WHAT hit them , retain the vulnerability they had that made them vulnerable to the first P-abuser, and then the next P0abuser comes along and BINGO someone “familiar” is there to fill the VOID. RINSE AND REPEAT! AND REPEAT! AND REPEAT!
It is ONLY when WE wake up and get out of the FOG that we are going to be ABLE TO Have a REAL and VALID P-FREE LIFE!
Jim, I think your friend is still a wounded and vulneable prey animal who is seeking solice and is “looking for love in all the wrong places”—-what this man offers her she is familiar with, it feels “normal” and also will keep her involved in the drama of pain that she is used to, and it will FEED HER ADDICTION to the drama and pain she is accustomed to. On some level she knows it is self destructive, but she has no idea how to breakk the addiction. She is just like a herion addict that has been off the dope for a while, but is going back again—on some level knwing it is bad, but unable to stop herself from picking up that syringe. Pray for her and pity her, and please don’t dispise her weakness….”but for the grace of God, there I go.” (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you Jim, my friend.
You must never trust what you see with your own eyes. The truth is what I say, not what you see. Stop looking. Shouldn’t you be cooking for 30 of my family and friends?
You must believe what I tell you without question, even when I’ve given you 3 versions of it- and then deny all three because we never even talked about it. You’re just being a crazy b*tch again.
You must not harp on broken promises. I never promised anything. You made it up.
You must understand that only I know what is a good idea. Let’s move to Utah where polygamy’s legal. (Big Love was a new show on HBO.) (He had been abusing my young daughter and had been promising to marry her when she was old enough. He didn’t want to divorce me- I make decent money.)
You must believe it’s all your fault- even though I did nothing wrong. Whatever bad I did that I didn’t do you made me do it.
Oxy…of course, right again. ANewLily, too. Thanks.
Oxy, out of frustration, I guess I gave the impression I blamed my friend…I understood why she did what she did in regard to me. That’s why she won’t want to see or talk to me.
I talked about stalking, lent her Gift of Fear, suggested she might want to try counseling as it helped me, recommended Betrayal Bond, sent her a quote from Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and suggested it. (A lot of this before the stalker appeared).
And here we are.
I have to let it go…breaks my heart, but I have to hope time will heal it.
I blame the predator…when I saw him my hackles went up…I had a gut reaction.
Can’t save the world. Can’t even save one. Maybe can save myself…that’s about all I got.
Thanks for bringing me back to earth…I was hoping beyond hope, I guess.
I’ll still walk, cry, pray for my friend every day…and find the beauty and joy I can. What little wisdom I have comes with a great price…that’s life.
Glad you all and Lovefraud are here.
JIM:
Unfortunately this is the path to wisdom…..it can’t be infused by others voices.
Wisdom is the gift you earn from learning about life.
You got you and your shadow…..and from what I have found….our shadows don’t even shelter us from the sun…..so continue to have faith in yourself and pray that your friend will walk out of the FOG one day….. prior to too much damage being done.
Unfortunately, I believe this is ALL you can do at this point.
XXOO
Dear Jim…
You saw the red flag waving and you reacted. TOWANDO… Remember the days in the past you would see red flags and turn the other way, or have self-doubt or overlook em….
Whatever caused your hackles to go up — was the gift of your wisdom! Whether it stems from your feelings for her that you have so graciously shared and given her the past year and half or whether it stems from you simply sensing something was”amuck”… or whether its all her own problems and poor decisions or selfish decisions you were witnessing…no matter… you stopped and changed direction because it didnt feel right…you sent her an email and spoke your peace. Do not second guess yourself…
Her trust will have to be earned. Her choices are hers. Friends are expected to be trustworthy. If there was an interest for more than friendship on your part – and she was unaware of that – then that is another story, I think. But if she was aware, then what she did was in very poor taste. And if there was no further interest than friends on your part, then perhaps you do have to sort out what triggered you and your hackles to go up (was he really a prior stalker or did she revert to that term because they were having trouble letting go ? What really is the deal/her deal with all of her choices, etc….all of which she has to sort out on her own…and always know you are right, you cant save the world, or even one…just yourself.
And you did, you reacted to the red flag that was waving. Im sorry for your saddness and pain. If she is a bright lady, then no doubt she knows the great loss she will experience once you let it go. You know as well as me that time does heal vs. staying in an uncomfortable place hoping beyond hope. If she ever gets her act together and wants to earn your trust…you will be able to decide whether there are any red flags waving or she has learned about “black and white flags” and telling it like it is…the truth.
The wisdom you have and get from living your life to the fullest with a commitment to self-love and self-protection…catapults you forward to brighter days and experiences…Hang in there, life awaits…. xoxo -Abby
You must understand I only did what I did because I didn’t want to be with you!!!!
So after all these years of NOT going to fireworks, he takes my son last night. For years he would not take the kids!!!!
And he sees me, daughter and her friend and has my son SUMMON her over to speak with her. She eventually went over to him and in front of her friend, he gets on her case about going to lunch with him. She is 15 and does not go weekend visitation because she has major issues with him and knows pretty much what he is. Poor child knew before I did he wasn’t right.
He can call her anytime – he did not need to intrude on the evening with his issues.
ThenSon comes to the house at 11:00 pm for a phone charger. If N didn’t live around the corner this would not be going on!!!
He walks in and is pissed because N was on the phone with skank next door. Son finds it very uncomfortable to have to overhear dad talking to her. She is not someone N met after divorce or some other way of having a GF. SHE IS THE NEIGHBOR and my son knows our families have never spoken a word to each other – he just doesn’t know it is because of their first affair.
Anyway, I go out and ask N to display a little respect for his son and allow him the luxury of now having to deal with their conversations. N can acall after son is asleep. My son has to see this OW everyday if he goes in the yard and he looks forward to time with his dad and getting away from staying out of his own yard to avoid her.
BUT NO – he replied NO ONE is going to tell me who I can talk to and manipulate me!!!
There you go – not even for his son to feel validated and a voice to be heard. It makes me sick how sick he is. I have no man in my life – would not especially now- who knows when I ever will. How could I do that to my kids right now.
But that is another answer from him – I NEED A MAN!!!
My God!!!!!
So, I guess my question is – do we run interference for our kids or leave them on their own to manage their N-dad?
Son did not want to go back with his dad last night but he did go after he cooled down a bit.
N was extremely abusive ordering me to send my son outside – which I refused to do if son wasn’t ready.
I consider N’s lack of feelings for my sons feelings as emotional abuse.
But of course I am the crazy lunatic.
Yes….we are always wrong…it’s not me….IT”S YOU!!!!
Okay…now we got that off the table…..
I think the more we ‘step in’ especially with the kids being this age, allowed to have their own feelings (but not being validated) that we should step aside and let the process of ‘growing’ be experienced by our kids. They do get it.
If your son is upset about the phone call…he should ask his father to be ‘present’ with him during the visits. He doesnt’ have to attack the OW to his father, he can approach it with dignity and with ‘grown up’ feelings.
Dad will respond to him the same way……and this we can’t protect from….but what it does is show the kids ‘who’ their father is without us interfering or becoming a target for them.
I would encourage your kids that they are validated, are allowed to own their own feelings, and allowed to express themselves with respect to their father. Whatever it is they are feeling.
Let them know that they are not in control of their fathers responses, yet it should not dictate to them how THEY express themselves.
They have a right to expression.
If the child doesn’t wish to continue visitation, they have that right aswell…..if the ars wants to bring it up in court….you will have the detailed documentation of this.
I think we can only encourage, but not demand of our children.
So….you crazy lunatic….stop controlling the N!!!!!
🙂
What a typical response!
My advice….don’t open yourself up to this from him…..
Erin,
Thanks for your input. I will try to look at it as growing for my son and try not to focus on saving him from the inevitable.
I don’t worry as much about my daughter in this regard – she has experienced more years of it and figured out so much already.
Question – you said ” Dad will respond to him in the same way”
I really don’t expect N to respond in a grown up manner.
Do you?
newlife08….WOW..WOW..WOW!!! I read what wrote…”I will try and look at it as growing for my son and try not to focus on saving him from the inevitable”…OMG!!! that gave me chills….you summed it up in a nutshell…I just totally had an “aha!” moment…GOOD FOR YOU!!! and Thank you, as well…that really hit home for me today!!
Ya…..NO!
Not a bit…..
I also think he knows and is fully aware of the OW/neighbor being a hot point for you all. This is something you should steer outwardly away from. Take away any buttons he may push.
If you gave him a hard time about talking to anyone else on the phone……he wouldn’t have perhaps responded the same way…..but he knew what he was doing…..
You will never win in anything to do with OW. period! He will throw it in your face each and every time……
That’s the game.
You son will grow and learn as you see your daughter has done. your daughter will also talk to your son about the father and their ‘relationship’ as he seems perplexed.
It’s a natural progression of reaching out to people you trust and know situations.
It is hard to see our kids hurt….this is why we go into “mama bear’ mode.
But, sometimes it’s best to let them deal with things on their own.
Get the bumps and bruises…..
You can be there for your son as a bandaid, holding the ice bag.
XXOO