You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Erin and ETP,
Thanks to both of you. Son just got home . He asked for spinach chicken soup???? and I winged it – he was very happy to come home to what he asked for. And we are having baby back ribs – another Yummm moment for the kids.
It will be a good night – I know I need to step back and let life happen to them too – you are right – bumps and bruises or they won’t grow emotionally and psychologically.
Can’t thank you enough – that’s why this board is so great!!!
THOSE THAT HAVE TRAVELED AHEAD, SIDE BY SIDE OR JUST CHECKING IN – THERE IS WISDOM HERE THAT KEEPS ME GOING ……..
learnEDthelesson(Abby)…the “hackles rising” was a reaction, not of jealousy, but to watching him in action. And I have confirmation from others that he was following her and definitely “stalking”, ignoring any appropriate boundaries. And from the beginning, she and I had a “just friends” agreement, at her request, which I honored. I grew to love her, in the Greek philos (friendship) and storge (respect) ways, and told her that. I probably hoped for more, if it happened, but did not expect it with any certainty.
A little over a week, ago, in an email, she called me a “true friend”. She originally complained to me about his stalking actions, then told me later it was no longer a “problem”…sort of a half-truth.
As usual, looking backward, other pieces of a puzzle fall into place.
And Erin…thanks. I spent a lot of time walking this weekend…me and my shadow…strolling down the avenue…nowhere near her house…at least a half-mile away. I know I’m not a P, N, or stalker.
Sent an email last night to my therapist…need an extra session. When I discussed her and the stalker’s coming to her house at midnight uninvited, months ago, my therapist went into “dangerous abuser” mode…he gets a lot of court referrals for abuse cases. He “gets it”.
As I’ve experienced before, God lets me see what I need to see. Him in action at the park concert. Last night, as I drove across town, a few blocks from her house, the stalker (that’s what he is} beside her walking her dog. (I have never driven on her street, past her house, uninvited).
Another lesson learned, hopefully not to be repeated. I have good memories of time with her…I’d love to be wrong about the whole situation.
Time will tell. I have other things now to do that must be done for me and my daughter.
So I’ll say a prayer, utter a faint “towando”, let it go, and go on. Thanks for my friends on Lovefraud.
Back on “Oxy’s road”!
Dear Indiana Jim…
Some peoples choices just dont make sense do they? Who was it, I think it was Kathleen that quoted something like “Im not upset you lied to me, Im disappointed I can never believe/trust you again”…. something like that…
An Abby question tho 🙂 … what do you mean when you say you would love to be wrong about the whole situation?? With regard to her choices ? With regard to him? Just as an outsider looking in… she seems to be making choices that allow a bad man to remain in her life. That is something she is going to have to come to terms with/realize on her own.
You are doing the right thing by reacting to the red flag… stopping and changing direction…. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue to build friendships and relationships built on honesty and truth…
ps. I dislike learning lessons but I now know its better than to keep repeating the same ole mistakes. You did the right thing for yourself, and hopefully for her… to slow down, stop, and take stock of her words/choices/actions. xoxo
Dear Jim,
I know it hurts when we see someone we care about and respect make some BAAAAAD (in our opinion) choices in their lives that we can pretty well “see” will turn out bad, but they seem oblivious to the DANGER they are walking into.
Just like with my son C when he was dating the X-wife-psychopath. I didn’t for sure know she was anything except “deceptive” but it was a RED FLAG for me–he didn’t see it and spent almost 8 years with that witch!
Your friend does not have the growth and enlightenment that you have, that you WISH she had. It is a darned shame, too, but she has not traveled on that road toward healing, crawled on it, and her wounds and her vulnerabilities are still raw and open.
As much as we would like to, we realize that we cannot save someone else AGAINST THEIR WILLS.
(((((jim))))) and my prayers for your friend as well.
Jim,
I’ve been reading your posts, and feel for you. It’s the standing aside and letting it happen that’s just so hard. It seems like there must be something…
Good luck on your efforts to discover this guy’s background. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find an outstanding warrant for skipping bail on a felony court appearance.
You said you’d like to be wrong. But you know you won’t be. There are just too many puzzle pieces that fit together. The stalking. Her asking for help and then “no wanting to be unkind.” (Can you just imagine the verbal prestidigitation that got her there?) Even the letter calling you a “true friend” a week ago, like a message from the sensible half of her, while the wounded half is getting wrapped up in this spider’s web.
I hate this. I hate it on your behalf. And I hate it for the times I’ve gone through it with people I care about. More than once, even before I knew about sociopaths, I’ve talked to someone else’s boyfriend, on the phone or in person, to tell them he’s not the only one who’s “watching out for her.”
Not that it ever did any good. Because when we get into these things, we become collaborators. When I think about what I did to myself, and what other people I know did to themselves, I can forgive us all. We were needy. We were gullible. But it makes it doubly hard to see the whole thing start up again with someone we care about.
I send you a lot of empathy and him a truckload of karmic banana peels. I hope he gets what he deserves sooner rather than later, and she comes out of it with a nice, little manageable lesson.
Namaste.
Kathy
Well…I’m beginning to believe in God.
LTL (Abby)…”I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
”“ Frederic Nietzsche
via Kathleen Hawk #11 Trust
I added it to my signature on a local website…got an email from my friend…She explained when she told me it was “solved” she thought it was…then. She and I talked by phone today. He came back. And Thursday and Friday were a big problem for her with him…and she feels embarrassed he showed up…she said she told him he was interfering with her friends…and he came back and keeps coming back…came back while we were on the phone today….
She says she did check him out, court records….people both knew…nothing there.
(The friend I was going to ask in a week or two for his last name…I went to the tennis court last night…he and his daughter were there, and I got the last name…checked out records this morning…nothing. Wonder how we both ended up at the tennis court with his daughter?…never saw him play before….)
She’s not in total denial…knows there’s a big problem…thinks she can’t let others help…she is very private…we’ll see what she’ll accept as help from friends.
If she’ll let us…I know there are a dozen people minimum who would stand by her.
Yeah, I’m supposed to let it go…
I have an appointment with my LCSW 9 am tomorrow…for me…
I will try again,,,she wants to talk to me…doesn’t want to be alone in this….but thinks it is “her problem”…
Maybe,,,maybe not…she’s worth an effort…but I can’t do this forever…
But within the last few days I’ve ended up at places I didn’t plan to be, with people and things I needed to see…I’ve got a good therapist…
There is a little hope…she’s worth it if it’s not against her will..it’s up to her…but she’ll have to make the decision it has to end and do it.
If not…he’ll be back and she’ll be lost for a time…maybe a long one.
Guess I’m not as enlightened as I should be….right, Oxy?
My counselor is pretty harsh when he needs to be. Haven’t seen his skillet yet.
If it works for the best…I’ll be back.
If not, I’ll still be back…LOL…and while previewing…Kathy Hawk, too! Next in the series..”The Futility of Trying to Save Someone Else” a case history…silly Jim!!!
Really, thanks everybody!
And Donna’s new article on the Betrayal Bond:
“When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.”
On Lovefraud…that’s me
In life…that’s my friend
And I was doing so well with my new “chaos free” life!
Pride goes before the fall, and Oxy is hefting her skillets…choosing my proper punishment…
Ain’t life grand! Damn the S’s! TOWANDO!
I’ll survive it , get through it, and go on. Soon. Very soon!
Jim, I just lost a post I wrote to you. But I can condense it.
I don’t think it’s always futile. It depends on the situation.
Your friend isn’t totally enmeshed. She’s at risk, she’s being heavily targeted, but she’s not a goner by any means. She’s still talking to you, which means that she’s still open to outside influence. And her natural alert systems haven’t been entirely shut down.
You know what triangulation is, that’s what’s going on here. You and she can talk about him as though he’s the outsider. He and she can do the same with you or anyone in her life that is not him. Your mission, should you decide to take it on, is to destroy his credibility in a way that doesn’t make you seem like a sociopath. (Because you know that’s what he’s going to charge you with.)
If I were you, I’d track down one of the articles about how to know when you’re being targeted by a sociopath, and pass it on to her with an “I’m concerned about you” message. And if you can find something, anything, in here about how to get rid of them, follow it up with that.
(If not, maybe I’ll write you one about that.)
Good luck with it. If you’re therapist thinks you should respect her privacy, of course, who am I to disagree.
Banana peels.
Kathy
Hi, all. Yesterday was the second anniversary of the S’s release from prison. If there is a God in heaven, he will not have a third.
On a much more positive note, things are going well with the new guy. I told a friend the other day that “If I had known how nice it was to date somebody who was good-looking, intelligent, thoughful, kind, financially responsible, employed and not on probation, why, I would have done it years ago!” This guy is a 180 from S.
It is such a nice feeling to wake up and not feel like I’m walking on eggshells. It’s such a nice feeling for him to call me instead of just me chasing him. And it’s such a nice feeling to be with somebody who actually wants to spend time with me.
Now that the romance part of my life has turned around, I can only hope that the employment part will follow suit.
OxDrover:
Congrats on the settlement. As for the barn-burning, what a beautiful symbol of purification — the flames consuming the S and/or the detrius therof!
Jim — if you want to do some more poking around on the suspected S, try running variations on names and initials on him. When I did that with my S it was like I opened pandora’s box.
All this new-found knowledge of our’s regarding what an S is all about sometimes makes our lives difficult. I have a friend who is in really deep with an S. And like your friend she doesn’t want to hear it — she has a million reasons why he isn’t one. I’ve had to take the position that when she finally stops suffering from cranial-rectal inversion (head up her ass) I’ll be available to help her. But, until then, all I can do is stand by and watch the destruction take place. Not a good feeling.
On the other hand, I have gotten better about drawing the lines with a former friend who I cut off awhile back because the drama quotient in her life is off the charts because she refuses to take her psych meds. I ran into her on the street the other day and she managed to get my new phone number out of me. Then she said “And I really need to talk to you about the situation.” The situation is her self-created craziness and drama. At that point I simply cut it off and went on my way. Don’t want to get sucked in. Don’t have any patience for someone who knows what they have to do to move their life forward (take meds) and really don’t have any patience for someone who thrives on drama.
Kathy…my therapist, when he heard about the stalking, wasn’t too interested in privacy issues…he was writing down the names and phone numbers at victim’s assistance and the prosecutor’s office.
Don’t worry about him…I don’t. Up until lately I think I was the only non-disordered person (his diagnosis) he got to see every few months.
And if she can’t be helped, he is entitled to one “I told you so” from a year ago (long before the toxic stalker appeared)and I didn’t know much about her.
“Sociopath” might not work for her. “Stalker” can’t be denied.
Apparently he’s a pathetic, lonely, pity play type…which enttitles him to steal her empathy and peace…whenever he wants.
A triangle won’t work without three sides. Somebody has to say “This ain’t working for me!” She’ll have to, and soon, or I will. If I do, I’ll lose a friend for a while. She’ll only be able to play in my world if she doesn’t bring him along. If he “shows up” when I’m there…I’m gone!
At least I’ll have peace.
Nothing to lose in sending the article then…soon.
My responsibility is to me first…I’ve wasted half my life in Oz, where the evil ones play. 25 years with the Devil’s sister…I’m not afraid…but I want a good life for me, too. The chaos is at her place. I can take my ball, go home, and not answer the door, phone, or emails. If she can’t do what needs to be done, I will, for me.
Banana peels…he’s a hog farmer…probably walks right over slippier stuff, and other’s boundaries, like that, all day!
Oxy got any free hogs to give away? I’ll tell him he has to be there by midnight!
And previewing…Matt…thanks. I know what you mean…cranial inversion. And I won’t be able to stand around and watch. I’m not in a long-term contract as a bit-player in this soap opera!
This is my last episode with the current cast! Diminishing returns for me without somebody who needs to be pulling out the miracle. Otherwise, a passive investment with no long term gains certain. Maybe I can sell some S default swaps to hedge me on the outcome? Lots of us suckers out there!
And Matt…aliases, etc…tried a few locally. Last name isn’t Garcia, or Jones…but it’s a close contender…Smith…unless that’s a recent acquisition.
Nothing’s simple anymore. Too many people…WAAAY too many S-classes on the road…the next “bubble” to burst…or it did.