You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Jim and Betty:
I would also caution if NOTHING comes up on a person.during a search…if they are too ‘invisible’ this could be a red flag…..
Erin…I know…need more “intelligence”, etc. I hate to pay for it, but will if I have to. I can’t believe the stalking and pity habits appeared at 50+ without a brain clot event…it wasn’t massive enough if that’s the case.
Hope I get more help tomorrow…I got a deadline…my life!
Matt:
I am ecstatic for you!!! We all deserve a person that is good to us……
Take it slow, remember what you have learned adn don’t get ahead of yourself!!!
I’m thrilled your back in the field!!!
XXOO
Can we add to the N commandments:
“If I have a porno internet addiction, it is YOUR FAULT because YOU insisted to pay to have internet access!
(You shoulda known better!)
” If I abuse your defenseless animals, it is YOUR FAULT because YOU insisted to have the pesky thing around me!
(You shoulda known better!)
eyeswideshut suggested an additional commandment:
“YOU must accept that my mistakes are not mistakes, but that I have simply been persecuted by others because they envy my obvious superiority over them.”
If I could add to that; You must accept that when I make a mistake (even if it’s very hurtful and detrimental) it’s part of being a human, in the other hand if it’s you making the mistake count on never being able to be able to live it up.
The s I was with constantly quoted famous people like Rumi about life. It makes me sick. He also put on his myspace that he admires people who are not afraid to fail repeatedly. It funny though, he was so uber-judgmental about everyone, except himself. When he was shown to be a failure; he wrote it off as a positive attribute or a proof that he did not conform to society. He loved feeling like he was above it all.
Jim, darlilng, I am so glad you are taking CONTROL OF YOUR life, but also trying to HELP (NOT ENABLE) your friend.
I am not even getting the skillet out for you sweetie, I am soooo proud of you for doing the RIGHT THING even if it HURTS.
Unfortunately, that is what life is all about, what maturity is all about is DOING THE RIGHT THING EVEN WHEN IT HURTS. I still think your friend is “needy” and wants at the same time to ‘depend on herself” (which of course are contradictions) and she is being pulled in by HER CARETAKING NEED TO “HELP THE DOWNTRODDEN”….. and I don’t really see this guy as “down trodden” but DOWN TROD-ING (I just made up that word, but it fits! LOL)
I too am setting boundaries in my life by distancing myself from drama queens, not even talking to othem about their drama if I must be around them CHANGING THE SUBJECT which actually pisses them off and makes me NOT INTERESTING to them if I don’t go along with my scripted responses to their game of “oh, ain’t it awful!”
Some times, even here on LF people will come on with “drama” and want to continually play “oh, ain’t it awful” (which indeed it may BE awful, but if you keep hitting yourself i nthe thumb with the HAMMER, at some point, I am going to get tired TERMINALLY TIRED of how bad your thumb hurts! and pull out the SKILLET and BOINK someone.)
However, Jim, I am NOT seeing the hammer in your hand, and so you are not going to get a BOINKING from me, I think you are handling this in a VERY MATURE AND RATIONAL AND CARING WAY. You are doing what you CAN do and not trying to ENABLE her or FIX HER, but to H-E-L-P her, but if she refuses your help and starts banging herself in the thumb with the hammer you will distance yourself. (hugs)))
Sabrina said:
“If I have a porno internet addiction, it is YOUR FAULT because YOU insisted to pay to have internet access!”
Or …it’s your fault because you have failed to mold to my fantasy woman picture in my head. I squeezed and brainwashed you as much as I could, tried undermining your sense of self, make all my thoughts your rules to live by; yet you keep insisting having your own personality you stupid imbecile woman. I look at porn because you are not willing to cooperate with my fantasy. I no longer find you attractive, the potential success molding you to the image in my head is gone, and I just want to throw you away. It’s all your fault and you should be ashamed for being who you are!
Regarding the triangulation, Jim, I actually was thinking that you could use it. I didn’t view it as a bad thing.
No question, eventually you’d want to resign, if the situation didn’t change. It just makes me hopeful that she talks to you about him. And also that you’re so sensitive about the level of information that she can handle. Now, if there were just some way to make this guy really look like her ex, she might figure the rest of it out for herself.
Thanks, Oxy, Kathleen, everybody. My fingers are tired, my brain is shot, and I’ll need to leave the building. I’ll see what tomorrow brings, bounce it off my therapist (he might even suggest I’m being “played”), ask if I need “meds” for mild (or severe) depression, and then make some decisions and stand by them. Went to bed at midnight, woke up 4:30 am , another day for ME lost. Someone else out there is creating the chaos, I can choose to leave it behind if I have to.
I’m going for a long walk. I turned down an offer for a ood tennis match because I didn’t want to leave.
Kathleen…triangulation idea…maybe if I get the chance and figure out how to do it.
I can’t sacrifice myself in this drama. I won’t feed it. It’s in my head and heart now…thank god it doesn’t live in my house!
Elvis has left the blogroom…back in three miles. 80 degrees, sunny, light breeze…that’s the world I’ll choose to live in. And a TOWANDO! at the end…I did what I could…good epitaph for my tombstone, urn, or compost pile, right?
Hi ) loving Jims idea of a nice long walk(except its nearly midnight here) Jim I think you are wonderful:)
Had a literally breath taking attack from MY egg donor (I think oxy’s term is suddenly soo fittingx:) because she has realised I am not playing anymore, wow talk about the mask slipping… she has all by herself displayed in full glorious technicolour her true narc (yes doc, I think we can tick every box) all by herself. I didnt have to do a thing except for withdraw from the game to expose it. I am feeling like I’ve been in a punch up (I havent though), or like that weak sobby aftermath of a big cry, but its okay. Coming here and reading your posts and discussions (sorry no brain left- not much to start with- to comment) is like shuffling into a kitchen full of close friends deep in conversation to kiss g’night before I crash. Thanks just for being there:)x