You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
MATT MATT !!!!
YEAH YAHOO WOW TERRIFIC YIPEE!!!!!!
So glad you are seeing someone who can really appreciate you.
You deserve it – all you give here and all other areas of your life you describe .
Go slow, enjoy, keep your senses sharp and expect only the best treatment for yourself !!!!
Keep us clued in on how it is going …
there may be hope for us all……..
always said I never wanted to die without being loved …….
blueskies…glad you’re here, and thanks. The walk helped some. I’m not usually into “scorekeeping” with friends…but I stooped to adding up costs and benefits…quick and dirty…I’m running a severe deficit, I think.
I have to add in a whole lot of altruistic/emotional/caring/rationalization mumbo-jumbo value to come close to “balancing the books” over the past year.
It is an odd “friendship”. Being a “lunch buddy” sucks.
I’m not a “Prince Charming”, Sold the horse. To my relief, I don’t think I’m “Prince Harming” (ltl credit) either. I’m me. I know some of what I am, am sure of what I am not, and see what more I should be,,,except I got stuck and slipped backward.
But, since I’m dealing with a predator in the game…all take, no give (fake give to increase take)…and a victim who swings back and forth…I can’t afford to lose much more…even if “just a stalker” I’m at a disadvantage…I am honor-bound, promise-trussed, and unable to cross two peoples’ boundaries-mine and my friend’s.
And I’m pretty sure now nobody will get “saved” for long.
And a few things don’t add up at all, yet.
NO CONTACT…the only proven anti-FOG formula.
The counselor in the morning…and a decision. I’m harming myself and my journey, spending energy I need to be responsible to myself and life.
And the last conversation with my friend today, how it ended, and where it left me…in the FOG with no feedback all day…ruminating, doubting…drained.
I’ll pay attention to me now…save myself…all I can do.
So I have some good memories…a glimpse at a nice and good person…I can’t figure it out. File the emails. Print and burn a few. Let time heal my wounds. Pray for my good friend.
I did what I could with what I have. Not enough yet. I’ve shortchanged my family and myself, and didn’t answer what life is asking of me.
And God…yeah, he’s still there…maybe I misinterpreted the lesson in this for me…he’ll make sure I et it in the end, I’m sure.
Whew….as Kris Kristofferson said: “The lovin’ was easy…it’s the living that’s hard”
I hope I make sense to somebody…I think Oxy and Kathleen Hawk are my friends….and I know I’m not them….they make sense! LOL
Indiana Jim:
“I’ll see what tomorrow brings, bounce it off my therapist (he might even suggest I’m being “played”)…
You make it sound like this is a crazy notion. I am a female, so I am going to give you some insight into the female psyche (mine). It’s NOT outside the realm of possibility. She could, in fact, be “playing” you.
I have seen it before. The woman is attracted to the toxic man. And yet, she wants the care and concern of the good man. She wants to have her cake and eat it, too.
It seems like she’s telling you just enough to let you know that she is aware that she is involved with a bad man. Still, she is being very private about it, and considers it “her problem”. At the same time, she continues to talk to you about it, and “doesn’t want to be alone in this”????
These are very contadictory points of view.
Again, she wants it both ways.
Why are you taking on the task of doing background checks on this man? That’s HER job, not yours. She’s the one in the relationship with this guy, not you.
I am a female. From my own experiences with these types of situations, if you try to “show” this woman that she is involved with a bad man, it will backfire. At best, the effect will be marginal. She has to come out of the FOG, if she is really in it, on her own. Trying to facilitate the process will only make you look weak and desperate to a woman.
AND YOU ARE NEITHER WEAK NOR DESPERATE. Do not allow yourself to get sucked into this!!!!!!
I stand by my original post to your original post.
You are doing the right thing by being a friend to this woman, and helping her if/when she needs it.
Don’t waste your time digging up dirt on this guy. You could be playing tennis!!! Tennis is AWESOME for clearing your head and getting your mind off of your problems.
Personally, I think you can do better than this woman.
Life goes by in a minute. You don’t have time for this. But you already know that, don’t you?
P.S. I am sensitive about this “love triangle” scenario, because my toxic boyfriend used to do it to me ALL OF THE TIME. And when I would find out about the “other girl”, he would act like an innocent lamb, and put all of the blame on the girl.
But, we all know that IT TAKES 2 TO TANGO!!!
P.S.S. You gave me a man’s perspective once when I was struggling with a decision, and it had an impact on me. I wanted to return the favor. I hope I helped, even if it was just a little.
Rosa-yes, I think I already know. Thanks, it helps a lot. I’m lglad I have friends here like you to help me work it out. The first time I met with my counselor, he described me as a “fixer”, not necessarily in a bad way…but. And three years later, here I am again, in that old routine, while life passes me by.
What’s that Einstein quote Oxy brings out about doing the same things expecting a different result…insanity? I let myself get sucked in to the chaos and drama, and am contributing to it…insanity!
Time to stop it. Really let it go. My friend will have to save herself, if she even wants to. I can’t do it for her. I lost myself in the game…time to get off the drama stage and go home where it’s safe.
Thanks again, everybody!
OMG…..I’m new here and speechless…. Let me think of my favorite thing he said to me… oh I remember saying … put your self in my shoes what would you do…. He said “well I’m HOT so you should do anything you can to keep me!!!!! LOL Thats when after all most 23 years knew it just was not right.
Oh and I going to be an overweight, single mother who dosent find anyone …..
Am I supposed to believe hat… Oh and Im going to end up one of those miserable old ladies with a bunch of Cats…..
I happen to like cats , not that many but… he HATES Dobermans .. I think Ill get rid of HIS DOG…. who bit my son(our Son) hate to admit that… and kept the dog… I like Dobermans, I may get one!
Another comment I have… I think this was gaslighting oh his part… I did not realize when I found this blog and shouted omg your a sociopath…. he and our son looked …at the site lovefraud and started laughing….. like somehow this site was stupid and he is not a sociopath/narccisst ….. I have been open and honest with my son who is 12 I think he is more like me I hope he does show feelings… any advice on raising a child after the jerk is gone??
My response…… to this is a great one for me….
You must understand what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too. Do not expect me to share finances with you equally. Do expect me to hide funds, treat myself well and perhaps contribute a meager amount to the household.
Yes I found his second account which he claims has no money in it…. his response well I had to you said you were going to kick me out…. not working, drinking watching movies while I work, go to school, pay all the bills….
Well I sold the car that I bought (he lost his license) dont sell it cause I built that car……manipulation oh we need two cars so I can get to work… excuses excuses…
Hello and I m sorry for not writing in weeks t my Lovefraud Fam.
First of all– who wrote the above? It was emailed to me and I just cannot believe it’s “perfectness” in describing my ex.
I have begun a new nob— very demanding and busy-
work with dementia residents and i am trying to bring light, love and happiness to this center.
I do miss you guys- I just never have time– while beginning this job (have walked into a messed up department).
Love to all of you an this Commandment List amazes me.
Spirit40…welcome. Welcome to the club…sorry you have to be here, glad you found it. Parenting…often discussed. On the left of this page…blogroll…Parenting the At Risk Child. There was recently an article Co-parenting with a Psychopath or maybe Sociopath…if he’s still around. Read the articles…don’t try to read all the comments yet. This is a good place.
akitameg…good to see you…if the “above” you ask about is the original list, Steve Becker, of course. Conratulations on the new job! Got time to sing?
Thank you Jim in Indiana…. I kept making the same mistakes now I see and am here to learn about them not make them again in the future… Thank you ! again.