You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
It’s a new day. Decisions made. Things will be good.
Thanks
Jim
Jim,
I just caught your last long post above, and I want to apologize (my stuff, you’re not responsible in any way) for talking as though you could just go in there and manipulate the situation and create a happy ending. Maiden is rescued. Dragon shambles off to find another village to terrorize. Sometimes I get a little carried away with “I can do anything and so can you” brain chemicals.
I was wrong. First, because I wasn’t listening to you when you were talking about the need to manage your own boundaries. Second, because my brain slid over the hints that your relationship with this woman is largely a helping one (you give, she takes), though it might be pleasant and/or helpful in your own recovery process. My helping relationships have been like that, helpful in getting myself clearer, but eventually they all show me that I need to get better boundaries, if I’m going to create a life for myself, rather than avoid my own life by fixing other people.
And what I really wasn’t responding to was your distress about this whole thing. That it was hurting you. I’m so quick on the draw with solutions — another one of my weakness, because I overreact to other people’s pain and then can’t just be a supportive friend while they figure out their own solutions.
This is a long mea culpa, which is, like most apologies, about me, me, me. But at the end of it, I want to say that I do respect what you were feeling. Just having something like this happening in your personal circle, when you have your own problems with a raging N/S/P squatting in your life, is bad enough. The fact that it’s happening with someone who was arguably using you, because her needs happened to be greater than yours (or that’s how the relationship seems from here, and I’ve lived through a lot of these), just makes it so much stickier.
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. Everything you wrote in that letter sounds so lucid and so right. Figuring out where to invest our energy, or reevaluating a current investment in terms of what we’re getting back from it, is work. Compassion (empathy from a healthy psychological distance) helps us make those decisions without hardening ourselves. It sounds like all that is going on with you.
Thank you for thinking I’m a friend. I feel the same way about you. And from you I get what I love about friendships. Insights I can apply to my own life by watching other people live theirs.
Namaste.
Kathy
Kathleen…another one went into the ethernet black hole…
Thanks for your help. I met with my LCSW this morning. I think it’s resolved for me…I may be able to say more after I process it…wasn’t fun, but I participated, so…onward, upward, or down the road…no other choice.
You never need to apologize.
Jim
Dear Jim,
Rosa has some good points. The “triangulation” that your friend is trying to get you involved in may be the “game” she is playing (unawares) and she is wanting on one level to hook up with this guy that on a primal level she knows is bad (but familiar) and she is going to use this “drama triangle” (there are a couple of threads here about this drama triangle of VICTIM-PERSECUTOR-RESCUER, and she has herself in the “victim” chair, with the guy as the “persecutor,” and you installed in the “rescuer” chair.
As you try to ‘rescue” her, from him, she will then change chairs and put HIM in the “victim” chair (you meanie you, persecuting him) and you in the “persecutor” chair and HERSELF into the “rescuer” chair when she “rescues” this poor guy pitiful guy from the meanie Jim. Then Rinse and repeat, and change chairs when he knocks the crap out of her front teeth.
Yep, I think Rosa is right—Eric Bern, PhD, has summed all this up in “Games People Play” quite nicely.
I fall into this “triangle” game easily if I don’t watch myself, too, Jim, in my desires to want to “help” people—-and I think that desire to help others can get us into big trouble and get us into playing this game of “musical chairs” with the V-P-R game.
Opting out of the game completely is the only way to survive these situations….BOINK to ME for not seeing this sooner, but “Pat Pat” to me for finally seeing this one for what it is. I think you caught on before I idid—thanks, ROSA for pointing it out! (((hugs))))
Oxy…yeah…my LCSW said, in the course of things…didn’t you read Games Divorced People Play? I said, yes…He said: “You might want to go back and read it again!”
I think he was talking about Bern’s book, not Berke and Grants, which I’ve read.
I’ve seen that triangle and explanatiion…on paper…and…I heard it from him this morning.
He’s really pretty good at what he does.
Thanks
Jim
The DRAMA TRIANGLE is such a SIMPLE concept, and it is so difficult for those of us that want to be “fixers” to grasp in real life!
From the descriptions you give of your x-tox and the games she plays i think she is the POSTER CHILD for “Games People Play.” I think I have heard of the games DIVORCED people play book, but not read it. I do highly recommend Berne’s book, though.
I find myself referring to the “games” from time to time to remind myself to QUIT TRYING TO FIX things….and it is a fine line between helping and fixing. I work hard on helping others rather than trying to fix them.
I think the difference is (just my own outlook) is that if you give a bum on teh street a dollar, when he goes to the liquor store across the street you don’t get mad. You just shrug it off and in the future when he tries to get money you just don’t give him any money, and AND you do NOT lecture him on why you don’t give him any money.
A friend of mine had a kid who used to run out of couches to sleep on and he would show up here hungry and beg me to feed him, cause he hadn’t eaten in 3 days, and I would feed him but would tell him that he had to work for me for so long to pay for his meal. Once he took off after he ate and the next time he showed up and had not eaten, I made him WORK FIRST BEFORE I FED him, for the meal he “cheated me” out of prior and then to work and pay for the meal he got that day.
I made him work 4 hours for each meal he ate here. I know that is pretty steep a price, but I figured if it was easier to work here and eat than to get a job he would hang out here, as it was, if he wanted to stay here and eat 3 x a day, he had to work 12 hours, and believe me I could find 12 hours of BACK BREAKING LABOR for him to do inorder to get 3 meals and a cot. So he usually only stayed a couple of days until somehow he would find some where else to go. LOL I think the county penal farm would be easier labor than I made it here for him.
I also took in a teenaged son of some friends who got suspended from school for minor crap, and after the second time of working at “Oxy’s penal colony” he did NOT want to come back for teh third trip….After the first trip he thought it was a lark, the second trip, he had to pay me $20 for room and board for 3 days, go to bed at 6.p.m. and get up at 6 and no TV, video games, etc. and sleep on the floor. I told him if he came back for the 3rd trip, uit was $100, an orange jump suit, sleep in the barn (hot or freezing I didn’t care) one blanket, bread and water, and that I had enough men around here that we would take him down and shave his head—he was so proud of his hair! He complained to his father after the second ttrip about the “beastly conditions” of sleeping on the floor and no TV,. but I think he BELIEVED ME about the terms of the thrid trip—there WAS NO third trip! LOL
Jim your LCSW sounds like a good guy! It does help to have a reality check doesn’t it!
Oxy…LOL…three squares a day and a cot…12 hours labor? Got any openings? No smoking, right? No internet or TV? No games? Exercise, sunshine, cure all my addictions in one retreat? People pay a lot of money for that….unless they’re willing to commit serious felonies and wait for the wheels of justice! I could be there at midnight tomorrow night…wait, bad idea!
In the silver lining category…for a week I’ve had an off-and-on, more on than not…killer pain in the left side of my back. Thought it was from overexertion on the tennis court a week ago. My legs recovered more quickly than usual…but this was worse…asked my Dr. daughter Sunday if pleuresy could be localized in one area like that…had it once years ago, She said it could be.
Reached a decision last night on my dilemma…woke up this morning…it’s gone! Yeah, I know…stress…less of that in reality when you find it.
TOWANDO!
Jim, going for a walk…
Why is it when you have proof they deny it with a straight face, or avoiding by saying I didnt check my email, or if I didnt get caught it never happened???
I’m not sure if the threats are real or not… he left us with no money and got mad when I sold the jeep that I bought and paid for….how else were we to survive?
Very enlightening and kick-ass comments here–thank you all! I’ve included some more commandments, which may overlap with a few already stated.
YOU must have a stable career with benefits with which to finance my extravagances and other women while you have to live on a fairly tight budget. Don’t worry that large chunks of money seem to disappear; that money will help me survive after you’ve caught on to what type of person I am and before I latch onto my next victim.
YOU must be willing to work the nine-to-five job so that I can play around freely and without care while you are hard at work during the day so that I can pretend to be the man you think I am during the nights.
YOU must be willing to hand over any money earned for any investment (hair-brained or not) that I consider important so that it increases my visibility and social standing. You will be happy with the fact that I don’t give you any credit for making this happen.
YOU must be willing to uproot yourself from your comfortable and familiar surroundings just because I want to isolate you from your friends and family so that the manipulation is easier and more complete.
YOU must accept that I will call you not by your given name, but “sweetie,” “baby,” or “gorgeous” (in whatever language) because I certainly would not want to call out anyone of my other women’s names during an especially sensitive moment.
YOU must be willing to accept that I will not introduce you to many people when we are in a social situation; I’m only doing it for YOUR protection (no, I am not worried that people will tell you what I am really like).
YOU must not ask where I got my expensive clothing or jewelry; where they come from does not matter, how I look matters.
There are so many more out there, but I’ll stop for now. Thanks again.
Hi everyone,
It has been a while since I have been able to sit down and read the blogs, and I really enjoyed the “Commandments” by Steve and all who wrote.
Slimone, you wrote about walking to the bathroom at night and not looking sexy enough. I was told that I walked like I had a corn cob up my skinny ass and that there was nothing about me that was sexy. This was his way of justifying his multiple flings. My self esteem was so low that I was excerising daily, looking into getting my stetch marks from my pregnancies removed. He knew about how I looked before we married. He said” baby that is where your babies lived. I think your tummy is beautiful”. After we married he would look at me with such disgust that I wanted to cry. Of course, there was no sex to speak of. I didn’t excite him.
As of this moment, he has another victim, or victims. He is still doing everything he can to keep me from being able to sell the house to retrieve the downpayment that I made on it.
He lies every time I have to email and ask anything. My attorney is no help. When I told him that my N/P had taken all of the appliances out of the house as well as other items that belonged with the house, the attorney said that it wouldn’t do much good to try and get anything for them.
It has been like this for the past year. Sometimes I think that he works for my soon to be ex.
My N/P fits almost all of the descriptions that you all wrote about.
Take care and hugs to all.
Janet