You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear janet,
I am so sorry you are going through all this unnecessary crap, it is bad enough, and then they have to make it worse. Just for the fun of it. UGGGGH!!! May the fleas of 1000 camels inhabit his arm pits and the crabs of a 100 ho’s live in his crotch!
Hang in there, sweetie, and keep coming here and reading the articles and the blogs….KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and the more you learn, the more you are validated, the easier it will get (I promise!!!) Come here and SCREAM if you need to!!!
Let us know when your divorce is final, and remember, whatevert it costs you, it is cheap at TWICE the price to get rid of that human cancer!!!! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!!!
Dear Spirit,
The deny, deny, deny, and lie, lie, lie is SOP (standard operating procedure) with the psychopath, they will “lie when the truth would fit better.”
The way you can tell if they are lying is THEIR MOUTH IS MOVING….or an email or text is coming in. REMEMBER, IT IS A LIE, THEY ARE THE LIE—-don’t believe a word they say, even if you have proof it is true. If they tell you the sky is blule, remember it is NOT BLUE, or if it is blue, it is still in their interest to use it to cheat you some way.
THEY HAVE NO CONSCIENCE
THEY DO NOT/DID NOT AND WILL NOT EVER LOVE YOU
YOU CANNOT PLEASE THEM
IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT (as far as they are concerned)
THE TRUTH IS NOT IN THEM
YOU CANNOT TRUST THEM====EVER
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY
THEY ARE MEAN, UGLY, HATEFUL, LYING SACKS OF CHIT!
no contact, how can you have no contact when all their crap is still in your apartment? HELP please a newbie ….
Thank you! 23 years and I read somewhere earlier how , and he told me this he chose me, then he chose to get me pregnant…. this is from another article …
“Impregnating the woman is a classic method of “controlling” and “binding” her down. The narcissistic psychopath aware of the shallowness and transience of his own simulated emotions – attributes the same fleetingness to his partner. Saddled with a baby, she is unlikely to vanish on him.”
well after 23 years I would like to vanish and he is not seeing my son without supervision!… my son adores him I wonder why…. I dont think my son is like him… he has empathy and feelings I hope….
Thank you Oxdrover !
He hates when I interupt him… because its all bulls–t that I hear…its only been a couple days since he has been out and all his things are here. I am not a storage facility, get all your things out all at once I want to be over it, I go through bouts of how stupid could I be… I see all the lies…. flirting with people right in front of my face like I didnt exsist while Im standing right next to him… even with the landlord who is another one… for all I know she is the next one and then there is his “friend” … who he is staying with a male friend…… UHHH
I hate him for using me for this long and all I really want to do is dump his stuff in the dumpster or have a bon fire on the front lawn
Janet,
I want to add my sympathy to Oxy’s. What a bunch of crap you are having to endure. Would a new attorney be in order, if the one you have is being so useless? I don’t know if you were just being snarky. But if you feel like he ‘works for your ex’, this may be your guts trying to tell you that you are really not getting your legal needs met?
As for being sexy……they don’t know poop about sexy. Look at Christy Brinkley and that loser she divorced. Hey, show me a supermodel/Beyonce look-alike and I’ll show you someone a N/S/P will grow bored, jealous, critical, and spiteful toward.
I have, though I am not so proud of it– as it is a matter of truth about me, invested a lot of my self-worth into how I look. I was a child model and hated it, but also got hooked into being ‘pretty’. So these kinds of comments cut particularly deep. So what does one believe? The part of what they told us that was affirming and felt good (Like your ex. loving your tummy cause that is where you held your babies), or the crappy stuff (like not being sexy when you pee–HA! that cracks me up now!)
I know now, as Oxy said, that if their lips are moving (or fingers are typing) they are concocting lies.
This has confused me this idea of them always lying, or manipulating. Because what about when I was told I was ‘yummy’ or ‘cute’ or ‘beautiful’? Is that a lie?
Here’s what I figure:
Still a lie. I don’t actually think they register individual beauty, cuteness, kindness, etc…..these are just words used to get under our skins, to infiltrate our lives. They are not real observations about us, our looks, our ‘self’. I do not believe they are discerning about what makes each person uniquely appealing/sexy/amazing and lovable. They are just as off-handed about their ‘evaluations’ of others as they are about anything else. Just as impulsive and reactive.
And I don’t think it’s that they ‘don’t’ differentiate, it seems to me they can’t.
So this is why I have chosen to throw all of it out. All the comments. ‘Good’ and ‘bad’, all get the same mental treatment from me. I do best to treat the ex. as he has ‘treated’ me. No discernment, all of it goes into the trash heep of history. The difference for me, for us, I suppose is we CAN see the details of their behavior, and learn and grow. We are not fated to wash, rinse, repeat.
Remember the behaviors that are part of our toolbox of future identification and self-protection. THROW OUT the words. Those are useless lies.
“I hate him for using me for this long and all I really want to do is dump his stuff in the dumpster or have a bon fire on the front lawn”
Thanks for that comment, oh how I almost forgot that period with “her” stuff BS.
I think they do this just so they can keep in touch to turn the knife a little more. Or they know (really I don’t know if they do or not) how much we want them to be gone it’s pleasure for them just to call and ask us about their stuff. Well for me it’s been 3 yrs of NC and I don’t have any of her BS stuff today!
Anyway Spirit40 thanks for the chuckers! And yes you are right you and we aren’t a storage for their stuff
jfog1—-I could start another list….all the things I changed about myself to “win” his approval.
It is an embarrassing list.
Includes taking on a new part time job
lazer to get rid of veins showing
laughing more
talking less
taking up a new hobby
wearing high heels
teeth braces
exercising
losing 30 pounds, even after the doc said losing more weight would be dangerous
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I’m mostly back to normal now.
Slimone wrote ” I don’t actually think they register individual beauty, cuteness, kindness, etc”..these are just words used to get under our skins, to infiltrate our lives. They are not real observations about us, our looks, our ‘self’. I do not believe they are discerning about what makes each person uniquely appealing/sexy/amazing and lovable. ”
Amen to that. Mine would go on and on about how beautiful someone was, to make himself look good, and then I would see the photo he would show me and I was thinking “Huh?” (not that attractive)
Aliens!