You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
JAH,
Plus, as someone pointed out on another thread, sometime back, they are just plain ole’ sexual. Man, boy, girl, woman, big, small, deformed, in a coma, stripper, queen, waiter, bum. They want what they want when they want it, and will turn to any source that suits them in the moment. We are all in one big pot of human soup for them– and when they are hungry any bit they spoon up will do.
I say this only because when we are repeating their ridiculous assessments of us in our heads we need to tell the liars to buzz off. So we can make HONEST and discerning assessments of ourselves.
It just isn’t about ‘not being enough’ (pretty, motivated, rich, successful, loving, kind……). It is about what they want when they want it. Plain and simple. And if what they want is to make you feel like crap about yourself so they can feel the thrill of ‘victory’, then they say whatever serves that end.
Let us all pass wind, and scratch our behinds when getting up in the night to pee……
I should have known when he emailed his “female” friend..before we moved yet again… she is way attractive… he was setting it up ahead of time. I guess I foiled the plan when I read his emails… how dare I invade his privacy…..who knows what happened btwn them I really dont care. She is a single attractive mother , who knew we have the same birthday… I warned her via email hope she gets it or maybe she was into it all along ??
JAH
Been away for a bit.
Liked your list – read like mine –
Yup -Took on more and more work (all the veiled remarks about ‘earning pin money’ and ‘are you a little bit more ambitious now?’ (to live up to his expectations of what? So he could fleece me for paying for even more)
Yup – high heals
Yup – had my teeth whitened
Yup – lost weight (even though I weighed less that 112lbs and am 5’6″)
Yup and I could go on too
And what for?
To make myself bearly acceptable to this adonis? Who looked like what?
Short, bald, pot bellied, broken teeth, skinny legs
Arrogant prat!
What was I thinking?
I also ruined myself financially.
Who DO they think they are?
Yes, It is embarrassing – never again!
Hmmm broken teeth you dont live in FL do you???? cept mine wasnt short
Spirit40
Nah! In the UK….. short/tall – fat/skinny – Western/Eastern – whateverdom! There’s no formula for spotting them is there? Just have to take the lessons we’ve learned and have some faith in our own intuition.
As for the ‘setting them up way ahead of time’ – this seems to be a common pattern of behaviour. I called them his ‘back burner’ women. First saw the pattern in action (well got confirmation of it) from his phone bills. You could see on the Tuesday, he was making the calls to set them up for the weekends when I wasn’t going to be around.
What a player – hope his genitals fall off!
Spirt40
Just reading back through some posts. If no one has suggested it, there is a thread in the archive called Co-parenting and the sociopath. It may prove helpful to you. I, fortunately, was not married to a sociopath……… but I am sure you’ll find it useful ….
Dear spirit,
My suggestion to answer most of your questions is to go back through the archives here an dREAD ALL the ARTICLES (not the comments yet, just ALL the articles) it will give you a PhD in PSYCHOPATH, and then you can start to put enough of it together to see what is going on with yours.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, and we have given them our power, to hurt and control us and we must take that power back.
Even when you intellectually have the knowledge it takes time to INTERNALIZE IT and get it emotionally, and it does take TIME to recover. I am not going to minimize the amount of time, work and sorrow an dpain you will go through, but IT IS WORTH IT IN THE END.
Recovery is a journey not an “end point” but it is healing, one day at a time, two steps forward, and one back, over and over and over. STAY HERE, do not leave LF, because it is the life line, the life saver, and there will be people here almost 24/7 who will hold your hand, understand what you are going tyhrough, empathize with you, and cheer you on, or lift you up.
People here will not deliberately hurt your feelings or put you down, not to say that someone won’t hurt your feelings, but it isn’t because they meant to, and it simply may be a truth you are not yet ready to handle….this place has saved my life and sanity (such as it is) and has been responsible for a tremendous amount of growth personally, and I still have more to go, I know. I’ve been here two years, but am coming out of a LIFE TIME of dealing with a family full of psychopaths and psychopaths who targeted me. Hang on!!!! I hear a strength in you, and you are enlightening yourself!!! You have what it takes to come out the winner!!!! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
An email I wrote to my neighbors ;To all the supportive neighbors,
I thought it was really odd that she (landlord) took such an interest in us…when we moved here going out of her way to help us. Letting me store my things in the empty apartment, etc.
Strange comments, about cheating, coming over here and showing us all of her “other” properties… she was “giving” one away in Tampa??? WTF is going on I keep thinking , am I the crazy one…. What are my gut instincts telling me, Something very peculiar is going on.
The tour of her house on Christmas eve , this is my bed where I sleep alone (who cares)… I thought… god does it get any weirder than this???
Oh during dinner its as if I was being judged, Do I really look that stupid? Please guys be honest… then at the end of dinner I wont share my kitchen with you but I would share my husband…. I said I don’t share… I would — his balls off, ( a previous conversation she stated she just had her dog neutered) ???
I thought I would share my bizarre encounter with you all I think sociopaths must attract each other and please know that I am not the crazy one, gas-lighting is something a sociopath does well (look it up on the INTERNET) . If your curious at all I think ” it means they make it look like the behaviors are yours and your the crazy one. Then they change their story when they find out your on to them.
These are just my recollections… trying to piece together how I could let someone pull the wool over my eyes for so long but my eyes hopefully are wide open now…. Still am trying to figure it all out, I cant quite put my finger on who is playing who in this strange game…. All I know is I want no part of it.
I am focusing on school and David and do not want him near us. I would move but why should I let him run my life.
Thanks for understanding me a little better hopefully you all seem intelligent, I was told for so long that I was stupid I almost started to believe it… I am not… only stupid for trusting someone as long as I did.
No more victim I am much stronger than this. No longer will he take my spirit and crush it.
Lisa
-Do you not know I am a woman? when I think I must speak.
William Shakespeare Please what do ya’ll think ??
OX Drover…. Thank you! I needed this site and he was trying to corrupt my son.. he said oh look where mom got her info lovefraud .com , yeah Im onto you it only took me this long to open my eyes … boy ignorance was not bliss… I used to say it because he thought I was stupid… sometimes I felt I had to learn the game too to get back at him, and in my sons eyes I Look like the bad guy? hope not … I am in the process of going to file restraining order… wish me luck I keep putting it off…
Y’know, if the cluster B laid out the “rules” in the beginning of the relationship, there would be no relationship.
Can you imagine signing on for this sort of nonsense?
Of course not!